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  2. Nina of the Light


    HEYA Dice and Joshua!! All is well. It's been a long journey! I suppose it has for most of us. I'm getting ready to start a brand new chapter of life. I'm leaving the United States and moving to Costa Rica!! Peace and healing will be my main focus. I wish you all the best. I'm hoping to check in here more often now. So... what's up? what's new with you guys???? Tell me something!!! Love, NIna
  3. Personailty disorder is a living nightmare that however much you try you cant get out off like your drowning everything is strange boxing match that never ends so hard to express and explain to someone who doesnt have it where do you start your acting out but you dont mean too to you your doing nothing wrong at that time i have personailty disorder with alot of other disorders its very complex and i hate the struggle of it goin out of your mind feeling you are alone and no one understands
  4. I'm 36 now and was diagnosed recently with BPD. Although my partner said that he was going to support me the best he can, started reading up on the info that I printed out for him etc. he still has no idea how to handle this! He takes everything personally despite my trying to explain that I can't control this! He gets impatient and shuts down. I keep ending the relationship but he always gets back in touch and we end up back together. With a step child, termination of a pregnancy and family fall outs all happening this year I don't see a way out any more. The relationship makes my BPD worse but being without the guy absolutely kills me too. I feel that I'm stupid staying with someone that doesn't support me but he's so good in other ways. He has mental health issues himself - ABSOLUTE NIGHTMARE SITUATION!!!
  5. Jessicatt

    Can someone help me...please

    You must make yourself busy in house work and your college/university works. Don't think about the depression and that your friends are not helping you and listening to you. Whenever you feel alone, type a diary on your mobile or write it on the diary book. It will help you alot in this situation. Also if this continues to happen then please consult with doctor he/she will definitely help you out in this matter. I am also feeling sorry for you
  6. Lisa207

    Advice please

    Gosh.. It's interesting that you say this as I have blamed both of my parents for my mental health and I no longer speak to them. They do have narcissistic tendencies.. But for you to reach out means that you truly want to know how to deal with the issue. I can only say what I wished that my mother would do. Maybe write a letter to your daughter telling her that you love her and want to know more about her condition so that you both deal with it in a healthy way. From my perspective we deal with really difficult emotions and we don't know how to handle them as they feel overwhelming. Peaceful and kind encouraging words always help.
  7. HollyR

    BPD World Mental Health Assessment

    I'm really sorry to hear that you have been struggling, but it is a positive that you are seeing someone about it and getting the help you need. If your counsellor has mentioned that you may have it, whether they are qualified to diagnose or not, it's more than likely that you are suffering from the disorder. I suffer with Borderline Personality Disorder myself so I understand what you're going through. I know it's hard, and it's really great that you're seeing someone to help you! Stay Strong! x
  8. Hi! My name is Holly and I am a new member on this website. I wanted to put something somewhere about my condition where I felt comfortable and like I'm not being judged, so I thought a forum like this would do the trick. I know I shouldn't be ashamed, but I don't like lots of people I know, knowing what I've got, just because I know what some people can be like when it comes to discussing Mental Health. Insensitive and ignorant. It was in July of 2018 when everything came to a halt in my life, I tried to end my life via an overdose, things had gotten to a point where I felt that suicide was the only answer. I was then hospitalised and spent a week overall in general hospital, and in the Mental Health Unit. The whole experience was just horrendous from start to finish, but it did give me time to think about my future and how I was going to go forward from this. I had officially hit rock bottom, and sometimes you don't always go up, you just stay there, which is where I was for a little while. A team of doctors spoke to me after three days of observing me with other patients and told me I was ready to go home, so off I went with my boyfriend, nobody told me anything about my diagnosis and after a few weeks, I didn't hear anything from the Mental Health Team who said they were going to stay in touch for 6 months. A few weeks later I started to think to myself that my original diagnosis of Depression and Anxiety Disorder was a little vague and that there was definitely something more going on. I'd been previously tested for Bipolar, and had been suffering with bad Mental Health since I was 12. All in all I'd suffered with a lot of Mental Health Disorders but didn't know much about Borderline Personality Disorder, so when I did some research on it, I thought that the symptoms sounded a lot like me. Unstable relationships, strong impulsive behaviour, extreme fluctuations in mood and a burning fear that I will be abandoned by anyone who says they love me. I went to my GP because I just wanted to get the ball rolling and get tested, just so I knew if it was anything or nothing. Turns out it was already on my notes from the hospital, no one had told me that I suffered with it in there or the days after I came home. I didn't question it any further, and the doctor sent me on my way, it all felt a bit like I was being dismissed. After I came out of hospital my anti-depressants were doubled in dose and since then I've been taking them daily to try and stabilise my emotions. It's just strange though, one minute I'm happy, almost too happy, then I'm down and moody or emotional, then excited, anxious and angry all within a few hours. It's all so extreme, there's never really a grey area, it's just black and white. I've always known that there was something else, I just couldn't quite put my finger on what the problem was. But now I'm seeming a counsellor once a week for DBT, and week by week I'm slowly telling her more and more about my life, and the traumas I've been through to lead to this point. Sometimes I do feel very unlucky, because as many of you will probably understand, living with bad Mental Health is tiring more than anything, you just spend so much time exhausted and drained from trying to hide your emotions from others because you don't want anyone to worry, and you don't want people to know. You spend a lot of time thinking what if? What if things were just 'normal' whatever that is? It's very confusing and fingers crossed my therapist and make it easier to deal with and if not, cure it completely. I will be posting more soon about different subjects, but I just wanted to introduce myself really!
  9. Spiraling

    Hello memers *dabs*

    Farewell to Peace Farewell to Peace, my long sought foe, although you have already left. How ignorant was I on that pivotal day as fire was forced upon your back! Foolish was I to send you away, all the while counting my cash. Soon, I realized you had brought the cash with you and burned it all to ash! What is burned cannot be renewed, what is flaming cannot be retrieved, what is ashes cannot be fixed. But Peace, what is lost can always be found! oh, and hello people. I speak riddle. No plaguies please (plagerism)
  10. Spiraling

    How can I dissappear?

    Unfortunately for some, there is no way to disappear. In both secular and religious beliefs, matter cannot be created or destroyed. No matter how far you run, your problems will be one step behind you. However, you are one step ahead. The only way to break free is to turn around and fight. If the problems say you are worthless, that is a lie. They are decievers, do not listen to them, do not give them a foothold. If you let deceiving thoughts enter, you must either fight back, or let them destroy and take everything you know. No matter the struggle, fight now and live the rest of your life a champion. Waiting ‘till tomorrow will only give them a foothold.
  11. Terra98


    I have exactly the same problem. I find it so hard to control my urges. I'm really struggling to tell the truth at the moment. When I am stressed or anxious I lie really easily and it ruins my friendships and puts a strain on my relationship. I cope with my anger by walking away if I feel that I am going to say something that I might regret. I then hold ice cubes or have a hot shower. Don't know why but overwhelming the senses seems to help. Then I go back once I am feeling more rational. Hope this helps!
  12. walker

    Setting boundaries

    tell the hospital they will only let people in if you want them there
  13. Antimony

    Setting boundaries

    Hello. I am new here. I need advice on how to set stronger boundaries with my mother in certain areas of my life. The boundary I need to set right now has to do with not wanting her at the hospital during the day of my surgery. It is not yet scheduled but, will take place within the next couple of months. It is a big surgery that I have had before. I need to remain stress free and keep my blood pressure low up until then and following the operation. I will be very out of it and tired and in pain and sick from the meds when I wake up. I only want my wife there the first 2 days and then others including my mother may visit. I have told my mother this but she has told me and left messages on my phone that she is my mother and will be there regardless of my wishes (or what's best for me apparently). I am 40 years old. This should be my decision and mine alone. What should I do? Thank you
  14. BenBen245

    Can someone help me...please

    Everyone is not abandoning you. You do not need to punish yourself and they are not punishing you. You are loved, sometimes people come and go in our lives but they are not trying to hurt you. I lost my love two days ago, borderline, to heroin, I beg of you to trust that your feelings are justified but they are not always rational. You are loved!!!!
  15. Hi everyone! I'm new on this forum, in the hope to get some help I'm French so my apologies if my English isn't completely correct, I'm currently living with my fiancé in Amsterdam (who is Dutch), we have a certain age difference and we've been together for 3 years now (I moved with him a year ago), He has been diagnosed with ADHD 5 years ago and probably has BPD as well, of course until the psychiatrist diagnosed it, it isn't 100% sure, but from what I've read so far on blogs & scientific articles, the symptoms feel very familiar (which also shows that I'm not alone being in such a situation). I deeply love him, and I know it would be easier for me to just break up and move on, but I do believe in him and in us, and he's been doing some great progress year after year and is willing to become better every day, I truly love living with him and sharing all kinds of moments together, he's honest, open-minded, respectful, very smart, (handsome of course ), generous, funny, and great support when it comes to helping me with my projects/ fears/ doubts/ life choices. And at the same time, our relationship is on a constant emotional roller coaster... Every 2 or 3 weeks an emotional crisis will happen based on various random aspects. I think I can divide these crises into 2 chronological parts: (1) when I would unconsciously trigger something in him, regarding different things that would make him feel that: I don't listen to him, I don't support him, I don't take into consideration his perspective on important relationships' matters, I play with his trust, I don't understand him, I think he's not good enough, I talk only about me and not about him, I force him to do something (should/ have to, which I never say), I don't hear what he's telling me etc... These crises usually start by me asking a random/ impulsive question regarding important projects/ feelings he has (until that specific moment I didn't know these topics were so important/sensitive to him). So he would start explaining himself (not necessarily through anger), he would force himself to take a deep breath in, and try to explain "why and how what I asked hurt him and therefore makes him angry", "to which personal and childhood memory this pain is linked to and why" and "how next time I could better approach him". Until that point, I'm okay with everything, and I actually find it really great that he can express himself that way. But, after this explanation time, his feelings are usually triggered, and he's already angry inside even if he doesn't really show it. (2) He would start getting agitated, try to re-re-re-re-explain for the 100th times why what I did hurt him because according to him I didn't understand him the 1st time, I didn't listen to him well enough and the more he re-explains the whole thing the more he gets angry and agitated and hurt and the crisis begins... Sometimes he would try to go for a run, sometimes he would go out and spend the afternoon outside, and sometimes he would go in the 2nd bedroom we have, close the door and shut down (because that his "protection mode, to protect himself from the rest, because if he doesn't do it no one will for him" (I partly understand that one) + he does it so "he doesn't affect his environment/ me, which of course doesn't really work..)... And sometimes he would just explode, and starts screaming and get angry, and blame me and everything/ everybody else, mix all his issues regarding work/ family/ personal projects into the actual discussion (or monologue) and the roller coaster would start. Of course, it's always a bit different for each crisis but the worse ones are when he either decides to stay in the room or when he explodes. I know that in these moments he's deeply suffering, and drowning but the contradictory point is that: he wants to feel supported by me to help him to stop drowning and he also comes to the conclusion that I cannot help him. When he decides to stay in his room, he tells me that in those moments I should just do my own thing, enjoy my day and take care of myself. I think he's right. But the question is: How on earth can I enjoy my day if I know that my partner is suffering? How can I just put this crisis on the side, give him enough time (can go from hours to days) to let him calm down so we can talk again? How can I protect myself from the heavy negative emotions that are in our apartment? He's very charismatic, so as soon as he gets angry it feels like the whole house carries this emotion. One possible solution I found is to get out of the house, for instance, I'm actually spending 4 days at a friends' place right now. But is it the best solution? What do you guys do to deal with these intensive emotions? And there is the other outcome: when he explodes (that can also happen after staying in the room for hours). It can last for hours and days. For instance, last Saturday I asked him a question about a project he put on the side for 2 months because he's dealing with some stuff at work and his family (after his dad passed away, his sister and step-dad (gay couple) got depressed). I was just curious about what were his plans and what he wanted to do etc. He got the feeling that I was forcing him to get into this project again (you should do it), that I wasn't trusting him ("I don't trust you and your projects") and that I gave him the feeling that who he was at that specific time wasn't enough for me, which of course is not true. I love him the way he is, I don't want more, I just accept him the way he is, even though - it's true - I'd like us to deal better with his emotions. Anyway, he got really mad (1st he tried to explain it as I said earlier, but noticing that apparently, I wasn't understanding him, he explained again and again). He went for a run, came back (still angry), went out the whole afternoon, came back (still angry), went to his room, spent his evening there. Sunday, we tried to talk about it, but he was still very angry. It basically ended up me listening to him for one hour at least, without saying ONE word, and he was screaming and crying and getting angry and because it was so intense I quietly cried as well. I couldn't move, couldn't speak because of the stress I had. I didn't know what to do, so I stayed on my chair and I just received all his emotions, again and again and again. I'm realising now that I probably let him abusing me both verbally and emotionally. How should I deal with these moments? What can I do to protect me and at the same time making sure that he gets the feeling that I understand and hear him? I think in the evening he felt a bit better, Monday was okay if I remember, not great but okay. Tuesday, it started again (from the same angriness than Saturday) he got up cranky and I don't think we talked that much, (we did eat together though) he mostly went to work and stayed in his room. And yesterday, the crisis reached its summit: the whole evening he kept coming back into the living room to try to talk. He would start talking, expressing himself, would get really angry and leave when I tried to talk. At some point I wasn't even reacting just nodding my head, looking through the window, I had no clue what to do or say. Once he was done he would ask me to say something, to say how I feel. So I would try to start a sentence to say how I feel, and after two words he would tell me that I only talk about myself, that I don't listen to him, that I don't understand him" and that he wanted me "to say how I feel but to not make it about me" (??). he also said that when I'm not doing well he brings me support by listening to me and by echoing my emotions (How do you echo someone's emotions??) So I would stop talking, and when I would stop he would tell me that I don't care and that I don't understand him... Get angrier, would go back in his room, come back, the same thing, go back etc... Until the moment he would come back and start telling me that I'm not bringing him the support he needs (while when he's doing well, I apparently give him all the support he needs), that we're not working, that we should break up (while when we're doing well, breaking up was a stupid idea) and we end up thinking that the relationship isn't the working and it's all drama... I think I should set up some clear boundaries for my own well-being but also to give him a chance to calm down. Usually the next days he feels better, and he apologies, he asks me what did he say that hurt me, he doesn't want to break up, he says that he's been way too emotional, that he doesn't know how to deal with that pain and anger. For 2 weeks it would be fine again, but of course, more and more I watch out every day how he's feeling and when it could explode again. He's not suicidal, he doesn't insult me, he doesn't hit me, and he doesn't break stuff, he doesn't use drugs and he's not alcoholic, and he's in the process of seeing a psychologist/ psychiatrist (as the process is long he might have the first meeting in July, he's very enthusiastic about seeing a psychologist, after the crises he makes notes to keep in mind what he would like to talk about with the shrunk). After each crisis, he is able to take a step back, look at what he said and notice what hurt him and why he felt that way. He doesn't want to be angry like this all the time - it makes him so tired -, he wants to find some emotional stability and peace he wants to get better, he meditates, write, read, exercise, talk as much as he can to become a better a person. I truly think he's on a positive path and he doesn't want to lose me because of this. I really mean a lot to him, and breaking up would probably be one of his biggest regrets. For the last 3 years I saw radical changes in his behaviour, he became more and more positive, ambitious, motivated, smiling etc on his good days. I really believe in him and I think there is some hope. Knowing that before it was way worse (10 years ago he would throw stuff away and break stuff) So I'd like to know what you think if some of you could answer the questions that are in the text, maybe if someone has BPD and could explain to me what my fiancé goes through, it hurts me so much to see him suffering like this. I know it's not my fault, I can't change it and I can't control it, but I believe that the more aware we'll be about it (it's actually him who told me that he might have BPD), the more chance we'll have to make it work. I'll take into consideration any good advice, and will try to stay as open-minded as I can. I'm also aware that it would be easier for me to just break up and leave him, but that would be a regret, and I don't want to because I deeply love him like no one else before him. Thank you for those who'll read that post, I know it's quite long but it's the 1st time I openly talk about it to people who might understand what he and I are going through.xx
  16. Joshua


    Hi Nina Long time no see. Hope all is well?
  17. Joost


    It saw psychosis, schizo-affective, bipolair and schizophrenia appear on paper. It is favored, it understands the intention, but it is not true. It is well-intended, blessed but needlessly painful that this is made up for not yet feeling emotions, observing thoughts and opening the mind. These are ordinary experiences that are part of life and that have nothing to do with disease, except to make it disappear. Even though it did not know what it was meant for, it yielded against better judgment a lesson by having taken psychiatric drugs. This contributed to the level of suffering to make life collapse, which later turned out to be the intention to repay evil with good by asking: who? The idea that 'I' am suffering is exactly that, an idea. Not true. It found out that there was no 'I'. No 'I', so no suffering and therefore no problem. Although there is no 'I' who can complain about anything and the body can take a drug until death, it can try to let this instructive, blessed but useless 'medicine' be. As of today, it has started to gradually withdraw with 25 milligram less. The family, spiritual family and psychiatrist Bart Simons are supportive. Do you want to support this body, possibly mutually, to let go of Quetiapine?
  18. Dice


    * Waves * Hey, Nice to see your name on here again …
  19. Nina of the Light


    Hello. My name is Nina. I am a long time member, but have only visited a handful of times in the last ten years or so. A lot has changed. I want to re-introduce myself and get to know everyone. Hope everyone is having a great day. Love, Nina Lov
  20. fabbychic

    Bpd the discovery

    Bpd.... living with an illness that was caused by failed parenting, not only do you have your parents letting you down they cause you to have an illness that makes you different makes you make all the wrong choices. Makes you a manipulator, emotionally abusive. Gettingnto an age where you have insight and see that the person you are is making choices living a life that’s totally insane. No one will ever get that you don’t get for and against or good and bad you only get one side when you have a choice when you make a decision. Black and white sounds like you get two sides you don’t, it’s not an option. There is no cure you can do dbt which gives you the tools to think before you react, what it can’t do is change the way you think the fact you make choices born of a mind that needs feeding attention. I have just spent five years in the worst relationship of my life. I have flashbacks and ptsd. My head made me stay because one day it would change. Then one ifht I saw that what I believed wasn’t true he had never said he felt the same I’d wasted all that time and lost myself. I can’t ever be around people again for my head to do that, I don’t want to be controlled not have the facts it made me feel so bad I gave up living I just exist. My life will only ever be work and home alone. I’ve had people use me, abuse me when I’ve helped them been a friend. bpd is the only mental illness that only has external triggers that means an emotional event - people. You get the rest because it kills you emotionally makes you anxious depressed. If you remove people you stay stable. I’m gutted that I was a child my parents destroyed me I got this and I’ve done nothing wrong. I lived my life having opinions doing stuff that’s alone to normal people. After diagnosis I blamed my kids for stuff sent them shit for two years I never for one minute thought I was wrong. Some never see what they do is bad, that we are taking stuff normal people would walk away from, that we constantly test. I messaged my son for years asking if he would help if I was homeless. Bpd you never love love does when you get treated bad or aren’t happy. Need survives. at 17 I done things I didn’t want to do he wouldn’t leave me. I have never said no. I moved over 100 miles left my long term job moved my kids after I knew someone three months. I told everyone done it for them. Married a man didn’t like beat the crap out of me. Then talked to a man on phone for four years lied never questioned it. It cost me my eldesti had a breakdown then after five years thought I’d date man said I sleep with women first I didn’t say no. Then last person still about he made me realise I can’t yrisy my head that I can’t let my bpd accept abuse. I have never had anyone care. 54 got nothing my kids will see me in a bedsit. They judge me but won’t read up about it. the only way to be with someone is out of something that grows. I spent three years begging a friend for help he never said no I blanked him on good times he lent me money he is the only person I have known that has never wanted anything. I can stay here alone or move to his in a room hivingnip my life. Yet I just can’t be doing it out of need. I’m stronger I won’t take any thing anymore my friends who is killing me bought me stuff then calls me a leach I’m paying him off. I used to wear make up have hobbies this relationship has lost me I don’t cate anymote . I can either die or take a chance on someone who for five years has given never once taken he has been used but is still there. I have only ever done things for men changed lost weight. ky whole life ruined because my parents didn’t give me unconditional love that’s what causes bpd. That’s what we need. I’m way further on than most will ever get some will never see. bpd doesn’t cause voices or noises. I don’t see any mental health peeps. I take antidepressants. I’m stable but I take coke to think and I get bored because I pet someone abuse me for hours at a time whilst on drugs expect me to do stuff he won’t do. I’m sick of. Not being able to say no of being scared. I won’t ever be normal I hate that and my kids will always judge me. Mouth heads work totally different we are arseholes, abusive, manipulative. We blame everyone. A lot still take shit Fromm their parents they caused this we are victims. I hate spending can’t control. It. I say stuff then think shiy was that ok. We don’t think like normal people we can’t listen to someone’s vies. i am passive aggressive. I am terrible if I have been underpaid go mad I don’t wait and see. If I live with someone who does stuff without me moving I won’t be triggered I can learn to be normal. Ive never achieved. Stuff and I’m super clever. Don’t have anyone to say well done. im angry that my parents have had happy lives I’m angry that they donenahat they did and lost me my future. When I die my kids won’t say she was sick. I stayed with their dad ten years was a one night stand didn’t say no thanks. Abused me cheated never worked. Ten years. I’m 65 I’ve got no happy stuff. People think I’m strong. If I stay here I die because I’m not existing if I move I live in someone else’s place. Im scared because I can’t be in a place where I have to do stuff to be safe. I think I have to go with money and s iob. It’s 18 months away. I just existing. Because. I’m finally dying l I got into coke because he done it. Then when realised my head fuked me I couldn’t cope. I need to try to live. If I stay I be alone. I think the man has done enough but I worry. What’s my choice. I will go if I can’t do it I can die. i paidnin bef At thirteen cutting begging god to let me die. He didn’t I knew then there is no god. In the next room was my mum and young boyfriend having sex. My dad left me three. They done it all in front of me. My dad came back said all my fault. I was a child no one said sorry I tried for years to die. Then god gave me this sorry but that’s the devil. I’ve got nothing yet my parents had lives. Parents protect save. My dad left me. I’d watch tv and they would be snogging. How is it possible for a mum to do that. I see uernfornyeara out ofnsitu shenjever said sorry. I saitnin a chair cowering whilst my dad shouted it’s uout fault. I was in top classes bright. Had plans to be an accountant. I can’t change but I can not pet my head trick me. i take shit from my kids never say or defend myself. It’s fear of rejection. I had the man I moved here for contact me I told him no thanks I’ve never said no. ive never had sex out of love. I’ve done five years again. I lived alone five years before happy hobbies. I need someone to balance me to stop me. I want to write about bpd because it’s caused by one thing.. it doesn’t cause depression or other stuff. We aren’t nice people. Our minds all work the same as it’s mapped the way it is as we didn’t get emotional security. We never love . We always think we are right. We never ate in anything. I
  21. hey. im jay. call me jay. or tyn. im a transboy. so he/him please. im usually much happier than this. sorry i feel like i might make someone sad with how im typing this. sorry again. i like music and drawing. i also think about how people either dont care about me or hate my with a burning passion of 60 billion suns or both. i also have a pet moth. should mention: think i have depression, bpd, and gender dysphoria. thats me. call me. we can talk more about it.
  22. vle

    Advice please

    Dear all I hope that you can help. My 20 year old daughter has recently been diagnosed with BPD. Life has been a rollercoaster ever since. She has recently told me that she blames me for her condition, I'm a terrible mother and she wants nothing to do with me. I've always tried to be the best mum I can so I'm devastated. I know that I shouldn't take this personally but it's hard. Be good to chat to another parent who has been through something similar if possible? Thank you
  23. wilcombebolger

    What Forum Should I be Looking For?

    I Have what I was diagnosed as "Emotionally Unstable BPD", what forum covers this disorder? Best Regards Roger
  24. yoyogirl1986

    How to find calm in the evening

    How about some music or watch some relaxing videos on youtube, I love watching cat videos myself and I also love watching technology videos and what's in my bag videos, these help me relax or playing a game on ps4?
  25. Eagleheart

    BPD trouble

    Thanks for your suggestions yoyo girl. I am still waiting to see my case worker. It's been ages. I am managing to get by but have SH'd again, cutting the C word into my arm again. But I'm really trying not to do any more. I have started listening to music again after years of not being able to and you are right. It does help. Thanks again for replying to this thread. I really appreciate it.
  26. yoyogirl1986

    BPD trouble

    Is there someone you can to help you get through the next couple days? perhaps your Gp or go to a+e? Don't worry too much about the distractions stuff if you are not that place right now? I know the feeling well, if it helps to listen to some music or play a mindless game on your mobile, even its candy crush.
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