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  5. Hi My name is Amber Wilson, and I am a student at Nottingham Trent University. As part of one of my projects I am researching into middle aged women mental health. I would really appreciate it if you could take the time to complete my short survey, if you are a woman between the ages of 40-65. https://www.surveymonkey.co.uk/r/FPPRFD7 Thanks for your time Amber
  6. Thanks for the input youaregood. I think maybe i gave the wrong impression. I am in a very stable, very happy 24 year marriage, so I'm not on my own and desperate for a bff. She was the one who sought me out and became very clingy very quickly. I had a bad feeling about her from the start but chose to ignore that and give her a chance. We became very co-dependent over a short space of time and were BOTH becoming reliant on each other. Anyway. Thanks again.
  7. Well, you're not alone.. I have suffered for many years but have tried to cope alone because GPs and others over the years have ignored my requests for help.. Everything is overlooked.. Maybe I 'coped' too well.. I have meltdowns but again, when I see a GP, that's as far as it gets.. "Take these pills... Blah.." It's as though nthey don't believe it's got as bad as I say... Exaggerating again... Groan... I have finally got counselling now, that helps, not ideal but better than no help at all... Maybe something about aspects of your job are triggering something else. Talking therapy might help you to explore this.. I'm sorry it taken time to get a reply, it seems like the forum is very slow moving.. I hope you find something that helps, it's not nice, suffering for so long and not being listened to..
  8. I've been struggling for a long time. Since I was a child I've had mental health issues. Recently, as an adult, I've been in an extremely stressful job for 7-8 years and it seems to have taken me to a very dark place. I've not been diagnosed since I was a child but after recent issues I feel I've likely had a breakdown a year or so ago. I'm trying to deal with this myself and be fair to my partner but she finds it hard to understand and thinks simply moving to a new job will help. I know it's deeper than that. Has as anyone else had lifelong issues manafested through stressful situations and can give advice? Or equally any support or advice over mental breakdowns would be much appreciated
  9. I think you should start swimming again. I think i should too. Hope you are well.
  10. Hello first time posting so forgive me if this is on the wrong thread! I'd really appreciate some advice with this as I'm quite literally at my wits end! So I've self harmed since the age of 15, I'm now 23 and have a Bipolar & BPD diagnosis. Around 4/5 weeks ago, I woke up with a large area of scratching on my thigh. I didn't think anything of it until a few nights later when I had cut my arm with a razor blade. So I disposed of everything that was readily available and only keeping ones for personal care use. Yet the next night I woke again with cuts and a blade on my bed. I'm guessing this means I had gone to the "effort" of removing the plastic whilst asleep! So I removed those too from my bedroom. Yet again I woke with cuts, and glass on my floor & small chunks of plaster missing from my wall beside my bed where I'm guessing I had smashed a glass to use. So those have now been replaced with plastic cups. Another occasion I was awoken with a nose bleed, I cleared myself up in the dark so I could get some sleep. When I woke in the morning there was blood on my wall next to my bed, the only explanation I can guess is I'd hit my head/face on the wall. I consulted my GP when this first happened but he was honest in saying he had no idea how to treat it so to consult my psychiatrist. CMHT have no idea either. I have an appt this week and I'm at a loss on what to do other than keep a diary of the injuries and beg for some kind of help! This happens around 4-5 times a week currently, I'm genuinely terrified to sleep and am only managing 2-3 hours a night, hardly ideal with a full time job! Waking up covered in blood with no idea what has happened is honestly horrendous! Any ideas? Absolutely desperate!
  11. Just take these pills and see a counselor and everything will be okay... Won't it??? I have called out for help several times over the years, no help except the above.. I have to search sites and forums to find some kind of help and support for myself.. Find someone who can tell me it's okay to feel like I do... I'm not alone etc... We are being let down big time, that's true.. As you say, wait for us to do something serious then 'save' us, more like write us off...
  12. I hope it wakes up too bored-a-line. As you say, there are few places to go.. I had tried a couple forums and they were either very quiet or full of people who just want to 'compete' and say how much worse their stories are which is why I kind of stay quiet.. Sorry you're having problems with your GP too.. I just get fed up with professionals using personal opinions where their patients are concerned.. The idea that all people who suffer with depression hide under the duvet all day and don't wash or dress is a bit out dated.. Many of us live quite functional lives with massive smiles on our faces.. Until the doors are shut and we are alone.. For me, that's when all hell breaks loose.. Yes, we are being failed in a big way but that's not new, is it? It's as if we are a sub species that can be overlooked in the hope that we'll all quietly disappear.. The more we share, the more awareness can be raised..
  13. Hi! First of all you shouldn’t feel sorry for sharing here. This is what this forum is for (right?). In my opinion you have a belief that you cannot be happy unless being in touch with your friends. You rely your well being on other people, while all the feelings good and bad come from your inside. If you want to be happy, you are the only one who can create this feeling. Beliefs are easy to change if you know how to do it. Everyone is suggesting going to a doctor, but there is a lot that we can do if you do a little research. Try to find something to do just by yourself. Whether it will be painting, playing instruments, going for a walk in the forest, it should be pleasant doing it alone. It’s good to have friends, no doubt about that, but it’s good to have some time just for you. That way you might stop feeling worried that people come and go – because you will be fine just being with you. By the way when you feel emotions that you feel you cannot control – tell yourself that you are releasing them. Subconscious mind is following your conscious instructions, so if you are saying “I’m letting these emotions go” it will happen as the body follows the subconscious mind. Mind-body connection.
  14. Hi! First of all, you have to accept the fact that might never come back to be your friend again. Feeling abandoned and destroyed hurts only you. It’s like drinking a poison wanting to hurt someone else. It doesn’t serve you in any way. Accept that you might have felt good having a close friend, but she might not have felt the same. She had the right to end this if she thought that this friendship is not for her what she was expecting it to be and that’s fine. There are enough people in the world to find someone who resonates with you and be your close friend. Loving you exactly how you truly are. There is a lot that you have to offer in a friendship, there is no doubt, but you need someone who can see these values. She left without saying anything because it is hard to say hurting things straight to someone face. She probably didn’t want to see your reaction. You should learn how you can be just by yourself. Focus on the things that can do well to you. The right person will come along in the right time. You like helping people, but it’s time you should help the person you see every day in the mirror. She deserves it!
  15. Hello, Sorry this forum seems to be so quiet these days.. I honestly think getting at least moral support from places like this can be comforting.. which is more than i can say about most experiences I've had with doctors. I have exactly the same response from my doctor / case worker or whatever they call that unqualified person who just sits and listens and has no expertise whatsoever. They talk very slowly and and don't seem to take anything you say seriously. They think if you have a job then you must be ok. Then they don't help you get a diagnosis so you can't tell your employer what you have and can't get practical help with your life. I hope this forum wakes up a bit because there are so few places where people can share actual evidence of what going through Mental Health problems is like. We need to help each other because the NHS is failing us.
  16. Sorry if this is a really negative thing to say but having had around 20 years or more experience of going to NHS doctors / units for advice and care in managing mental health issues I'm beginning to wonder if half of these people could be replaced by a website or a robot. They have been pretty much useless for me during times of acute crisis and I've lost all respect for them. I think I have managed to be seen by an actual psychiatrist once in my life, who I waited the best part of a year to see. GPs (God bless them) and these case-workers who they make you go and see while they decide whats available - don't seem to have any practical help at all or any understanding about what treatments work and when. They aren't allowed to diagnose you, they aren't allowed to suggest anything they just go to and from between you and a panel of doctors of some sort. And if i have to hear how i can call samaritans (a charity not an official line of medical help) one more time i'm going to explode. It's shameful how little anyone knows about diagnosing and treating mental illnesses.. yet we have these token mental health units that basically wait for you to do something serious and then "save " you. In my case they just ignore me.. they say they'll call and they don't . They say your names on a list and to wait and then they lose your name. And sorry but even the person answering the phone sounds like a 6th former who's not had any training on how to talk down the phone at work. NHS Mental Health care is a joke.. there really is no excuse in the 21st Century to not be able to design effective services for so many people. They need to sack the person in charge
  17. argh.. who are these people and what do they actually know about anything.. I really do wonder sometimes where this "expertise " is.. how do they teach these experts?
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  19. Swimming

    Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming, what do we do? We swiiiim, I love to swiiiiiiiiiiiim...... I love Dory. Possibly because she's the only impression I can do. But I'm so tired. Got signed off for another three weeks on Monday. Tried to tell the GP about the SH, but she guessed anyway. I haven't since, but can't pretend I haven't thought about it. She's trying to get me in the the psych earlier, but given that my next appointment is in six weeks (which is psych terms falls into the category of super-urgent....I know.....) I doubt it will happen. He's pleasant enough, but sees me twice a year if that. He doesn't know me, and I have no idea what he's going to DO about any of this. Because he can't. Maybe he'll look at changing my meds, but I have absolutely zero confidence that this would make any difference. I'd try it - depending on what he suggested, but I don't think it will change anything. I went to see my boss/mentor/friend yesterday evening. Had baked a cake for the 1st birthday of the kids parkrun she set up and I volunteer for. Although not much recently. We hadn't really spoken since she sent me home. I told her - I told her I knew she did the right thing for the right reasons, but it feels like being told that I am shite at my job. I told her that knowing wasn't enough to change how I felt - I wasn't blaming her, that's just how it is. I think she gets that. But she started asking if I'd ever wanted to do anything other than medicine - which I know is because she wants me to be doing the right thing for me, but just makes me feel like more of a failure. She told me that I get snappy at the admin staff, and they are frustrated with my saying I don't understand things, because they all have the same information as I do, and they can't understand why I am making out that people aren't telling me stuff. I told her I appreciated that, but find it hard to understand how they all come to understand stuff with the same information - they act like stuff is obvious, but its not obvious to me! It just made me feel more and more useless. And I guess part of the reason it made me so upset was that, in reality, I just don't care about that side of things. I don't want to spend hours learning about targets, and pathways and pivot points, and all sorts of other stuff I don't understand. Because I just don't care. I became a doctor, in part, because I'm not good at caring about the paperwork. Knowing (or constantly being told) that it is an "integral part of your job" doesn't and can't make me CARE. I just want to treat people. I don't want to be involved in management. I'm not interested. And all of that makes me feel guilty - because I should care, and the fact that I don't clearly means I am letting people down. It frustrates me that nobody would ever talk to me about leaving medicine when I'm well. She even told me (about two years ago, before they offered me the job) that I was very good at what I do. I accept that I am not great at anything now. But that's because I'm not well. If I had, I don't know, cancer - nobody would be asking this. It just makes me feel like a failure. I KNOW that she is not getting at me, I KNOW that she is not trying to make me feel shite, I KNOW that she cares. But I can't help how talking to her makes me FEEL. Not least because I really care about what she thinks. I tried to explain - actually, staying longer and longer at work, and starting to bury myself in the aspects of work where I feel safe is a reaction to, not a cause of, feeling bad. She doesn't believe me. It's not work that broke me. It's like any other maladaptive coping mechanism - the mechanism becomes the problem after a while, and I feel that that is what happened. She doesn't understand why I didn't find other ways of coping, put other things in place when my therapist was first away in the summer. She says it "dangerous" for everything to hang on one person. I tried to explain - that's how psychodynamic therapy works!! It wasn't digging around, and opening pandoras box which caused the problem - we wouldn't have done it if I wasn't up to it, or hadn't have been ready. Things were good - I was feeling more than I ever had, and more able to explore what I was really feeling than ever. And it was hard, but it was good. Cutting it off without warning - that's the problem. People don't seem to understand that it's the relationship that makes therapy work. That having more people around doesn't fix things, or make them any easier. I wouldn't have anything AT ALL if I had continued to rely on the NHS, and I certainly won't get anything more. I don't want to go see the bloody occupational health bods - and I've put them off for the time being. Said it clashed with another appointment, which isn't strictly true, but I just don't feel up to it right now. I know I have to do it in order to work, but I am not prepared to go through everything with some random stranger who can't do anything. All I need them to do is approve a slow phased return, as and when I'm ready to go back. Which I'm not yet, so it's a bloody waste of time, and one which seriously stresses me out. Then she was asking who my support network was. Who did I call to say I felt crap, and invite over for a takeaway? Who was helping me move forward from staying in bed, sleeping and watching netflix, because frankly that's 90% of what I've been able to do for the past week. I know she's asking because she cares. But I can't even begin to explain that this is part of the issue - and underlying that is stuff which is so so so much more complicated than that. I can't explain how lonely I feel, and how I was only just started to identify that feeling, and work with in in therapy when my therapist went off sick. I can't make anyone understand how complicated that is. I can't just replace the years of work which got me to that point with something else - or someone else. Right now, I'm not sure I care about "moving forward." About getting back to work. It all just feels entirely overwhelming. I'd love to have someone I could call, someone I'd be able to let be around when I feel like this. Someone who I could literally say all this to - and who wouldn't make me feel like I'd failed - whether intentionally or not. It's the adult version of wanting my mum. Who is in NZ right now, on the trip of a lifetime with my Dad to celebrate their retirement. And I can't make her worry about me, I can't. But God I'm so lonely And so sad And useless And pointless And I'm just not sure I care that much about anything anymore
  20. Hi, all.. I have been trying to find supportive forums and came across this one.. Hoping it's going to be okay. I don't say too much about myself but do offer help and support if I feel I can.. I have been through the mill myself so can relate to a lot of different people. I have been in counselling since last summer after being told I have PTSD. Have also been suffering with depression for many years but apart from offering pills, the GP doesn't actually think I'm depressed because I get up in the mornings and can look after myself.. Don't know what training she's had on MH issues but think she should stick to coughs, piles and ingrown toenails.. Lol.. Looking forward to chatting with some of you on here..
  21. I haven't got anything useful to say - my head is swimming in some of the same oceans at the moment! Just wanted to send you a virtual hug - which can be taken as metaphorically or literally as you like! xx
  22. thank you Dice your words mean a lot I guess I am a bit better than when I wrote the post but it feels like I am just on the edge and I don't know if that is a good or bad thing I am on the verge of tears almost all of the time, even when someone says something nice you are so right about others not knowing, not REALLY knowing, how difficult apparently simple things can be I cant even give myself permission I have not had a bath for nearly 5 weeks, rank I know but it has just become too complicated a few weeks ago I had a pdoc appointment , yet an hour later I had taken OD and called CC for help and he was confused saying he thought it had gone well I even got accused by the SNP at the hosp for planning to do it well these things are often planned, but it doesn't mean I know whether they will happen or not since it is a mass of disputing and stress in my head we have to change our 'narrative' what an easy little phrase that is but it is like climbing mount Everest words like 'future' and 'life' and 'living' - my god they scare me so much
  23. Over the past year, I have made several important discoveries about myself. I've always felt like the black sheep whether it's been within my family or society as a whole. I've been described as unfriendly, antisocial, difficult, unwilling to participate, weirdo, so many negative labels. And I'd begun to believe it. But NO. As a result of searching, researching and seeking answers, I've found out that I am 1. A pagan 2. An introvert 3. An empath 4. My soul is an artisan These things may sound strange. Even bizarre. But believe me, they have set me onto the right path for me. I am more self assured and sometimes, i even manage to attain a small scrap of inner peace. Self discovery is a tough journey. Please try not to let others influence you so that you abandon paths you feel are right for YOU.
  24. Not been here for a long time. Had an intense friendship with a girl who ended up breaking me completely. She made me believe she loved me and cherished me. My confidence was growing and I was so happy. Then she abandoned me completely, in the middle of a BPD flare. No explanation. No apologies. Just nothing. It has left me a total wreck. Destroyed. I miss her. I hate her.
  25. Well done for changing your bed sheet, As I know how hard it can be to do these things, When most people think it's just normal to change a bed sheet/clean ect without feeling like how we can do... I do guess it is only us who can change things in our life BUT that does not mean it's easy or straight forward, No matter how many times people say that as they aren't standing in our shoe's battling whatever is going on in our head at that time... I'm glad you spent sometime outside in the sun and felt safe there away from things, Could you imagine yourself back there when you feel the need to do something bad to yourself??? Just to see if that helps or not :/, I do hope you are feeling a little better today than when you wrote this...
  26. Hey there! I'm completely new to this forum so don't really know what to expect, I just needed somewhere where I could talk about my issues and help others out in the process. So basically about 6 years ago I was diagnosed with psychosis, which they now think could be schizoaffective disorder as I suffer from delusions and thought disorder as well as manic episodes. I just needed somewhere where I could talk about my first hospitalisation really to get a second opinion as I haven't really spoken to my family and friends about this issue. When I was first diagnosed with psychosis in early 2011 I was sectioned because I was a risk to myself and others as I had been walking in the road against a flow of traffic. By that point I had completely lost the plot and thought that I was being possessed. What led me to that point however is where my dilemma arises - I had been studying at college doing art and I was completely besotted with my teacher and I thought he could have felt the same way. Things came to a head a couple of weeks before I was sectioned when I tried to kiss him after class and I was given a warning from the course leader about my behaviour. Although I shouldn't have done this I still can't help feeling that there had been a connection between us that I still haven't forgotten about to this day. It is very unlike me to attempt to kiss a professional so brazenly and although I know I was in a manic state of mind at the time I still can't help but feel that these feelings were a result of his actions towards me and not my mental health. He was quite unprofessional. Suffice to say I didn't end up going back to college after Christmas as I had been hospitalised so I never saw him again. I just want to know why I still think about him, I really want to move on. Serena xoxo
  27. I'm going to the pet shop to get some toys for the pics today I will let you know what I get when I come back
  28. Hi
  29. so sad and tired

    this has been going on weeks this sadness this hopelessness this fear today our big achievement has been to finally change the sheets on our bed - after 2 months and most of those 2 months has been spent in bed or on it fearing life more od's meant under crisis team again end of feb but we know it is only us that can change this but there is such a battle inside our head a battle of pain a battle of fear god this is crap this whole post this whole being one of the women on our local mh line is always going on about how we have to face change and be prepared to do the hard work it really fks us off when she has no idea how much hard work we have done ironic isn't it that last year - when we were focussed and losing weight and helping with stuff at the unit - our key worker (at our review) said we hadn't achieved anything - and they kept saying they didn't really consider us safe/well enough to do the 1 to 1 work we were requesting yet now NOW they go on and on about us going back there and doing this work and now we get judged for being so hesitant and scared why the fuck couldn't they have listened last year but now everything is always our fault always and we are told by our parish priest and by our mh team that we need to change our 'narrative' but time after time after time after time on and on and on it is repeatedly proved today we have sat in the sun in the churchyard as it was warm and safer away from the damaging things we want and need to do now we are home and we just feel so lost and so afraid and our head is just saying over and over we cant do this we really cant do this
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