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  1. Yesterday
  2. normal you ask ? what is normal anyway ? I don't for one minute think I am anything but a freak I cant back up my own convictions, I am weak I wear the personas of crafted illusions live in my make believe world of twisted delusions view others as the freaks because they don't fit into my world they speak , but I am not aware of their voice and odd stare I am a manikin , Cinderella, rockafella, a poet, a thief a walking talking contradiction of grief I am emanceated in my hunger to fit in fat but thin, tall but small, fuck you all love me , I hate you, hold me close, don't touch me want to want me, don't you dare look poke fun at the strange one, and when you are done I will smile, stare a while, then cut my wrists sit while I bleed all my complications out of me spill all the shit of a lifetime onto the floor help me not, I am tired of playing life,s oncore normal you ask ? I pout my lips , gesture a kiss and die !
  3. I am going to fucking write about it ! Mental illness (omg ) I hear you all shout ! Not another sob story , life is hard enough without having to listen and read about these damaged freaks , ( stay away from them kids ) they are nuts , and you will catch it if you talk to them ! ( so you are depressed who gives a shit ) my life is great and I am happy , so go and be fucking suicidal somewhere far away from happy normal people ! People like me become ostracised from the mainstream , or get tagged and labeled as freaks , because we can't wear the happy smile of false contentment , we choose to be alone , rather than pretend we are part of some true man show , called media sites ! Taking snapshots of every fucking single thing we do in our lives , from waking up in the morning , to when we go to the loo, I phones superglued to our hands ! Anything to be popular and get attention , we scream ( LIKE ME ) A million comments and likes back up the bullshit we portray , like performing seals in a fucking circus , and you call me a freak ! I suffer with mental illness , I don't smile too much , talk that often , do fb , and yes I am on my own a lot , I cut myself , pop pills , tear at my hair , burn and inflict cruelty on my body and mind , I cry , scream , hide in the dark corner of my room , in the foetal position , too far gone to ask for help , just someone to care , hold me , give a shit ! Ok so I am not miss perfect , I haven't any friends , but I am alive and trying so fucking hard to stay alive , while the majority of the world judges me ! I am scared all the time , of each new day , I have panic attacks , anxiety attacks , my life is ( will I survive another day ) no I do want sympathy , I just want you to know I am a human being just like you , and I have feelings and emotions , just take the time please , before you judge me as a freak , because I done fit in , don't speak , Live your media lives by all means , but don't believe for a second it's real ! Because when you find yourself wanting a hug, and you look around for one of those million friends , you will find they don't give a shit , never did , because you are now me , a freak a pig , how does it feel , ( REAL)
  4. We all have human rabies And we don't even know it If we did We still wouldn't give a shit Animals eat to live and breed We live to eat and consume everything In our path Not content with half of anything We want it all On show THIS IS ALL MINE Fuck off you lesser swines Humans contaminate each other And everything they touch Rabid and fucked Taking other species as pets Like we have the right To enslave them Just to amuse ourselves Not caring about anything else I am a product of human rabies I have bred and had babies Caged and leashed lots of species And then some maybe But it's not because we are crazy We are just a horrible bastard species That attack in packs each other Some even the mother that carried us for 9 months We are all such cunts And we need eradicated Asp
  5. Jenny is on fb Jenny is my daughter She is kind thoughtful loving and caring Jenny has a best friend called Sally They are like sisters always together At college , shopping , listening to music , watching movies All the things teenagers do , they are both 15 And spend lots of time with family They both choose to avoid the media sites likes fb Twitter snapchat ect Preferring to enjoy life in reality Age 16 Jenny finally agrees to go on fb just to please someone else But I am not making an account she states ! Soon Jenny is hooked on fb and all the other media sites Mins turn to hours , days weeks , months, taking up all of her time She has 1000 pretend friends now, she loves her life on the screen Her and Sally no longer hang out , Jenny doesn't have time Age 17 Jenny meets a pretend friend from fb Gets pregnant , has twins , he leaves doesn't want any part of her or them Jenny is still on fb, the baby twins need changing , fed , bathed and mothered But Jenny is too busy on fb , talking to all her pretend friends, she has more each day Her inbox is always lighting up The twins get ignored and become sick , Jenny is still on fb She has to post , comment , put pics up , update her status , every minute of every day The twins get sick , and die , Jenny is still on fb She is arrested for neglect and cruelty to minors , death by neglect ! Can I still go on fb she asks ? All my friends will wonder why I am not on ? Jenny goes to prison , she gets 10 yrs , but can I still go on fb she asks once again ? Jenny will do anything to spend a few mins on fb , no thought of her dead babies ! Jenny becomes a drug addict , and prostitutes herself in prison for media sites time She updates her status and wishes all her pretend friends well , sends a pic from her jail cell Jenny is on fb , she used to be my daughter , have you seen her ?
  6. Last week
  7. Isolation I stay in my room a lot Daydreaming about what I haven't got Creating my own little private world Because I am lonely and my emotions shot I stay in my bed way too much I yearn for a cuddle just a touch But I won't let anyone near me My loneliness make me happily unhappy I find my mind wandering To places that don't exist People and things To take my mind off my scarred wrists I am so lonely so sad so mad Just wish I could find the courage To ask for help But part of me dosent want it That's the problem isn't it With people like me We isolate ourselves And in that isolation We create an alternate world That we then want to stay in And the real world gets further away I stayed in my room again today
  8. I swear they never want to help until it's too late. I'd take her to a and e and remind them they have a duty of care over your daughter and you want a care plan put in place. When I was really bad my mum emailed and phoned everywhere never got a response. When I did make an attempt and they wanted to keep me in they had the audacity to say well even your mums worried. My mum was worried weeks before I ended up needing my stomach pumped. I'd take her to a and e and remind them of there obligations and I'd also put it in an email as they'll see you've left a paper trail and know (hopefully it doesn't happen) that if anything does happen to your daughter they will end up in a criminal court. They have a responsibility. Make a fuss. Also as someone who's been, slightly is in your daughters position, I don't know how old she is but im 22. As much as your mum cares, it feels worse when you feel like other people dont. Even though their less important it does acctually feel worse. So when they do start to act like they care, they end up being told were to go. Then they say your daughters declining help. The mental health service is a joke.
  9. Yeah you should. A million percent you should, and don't feel bad either. You shouldn't deal with it on your own. She isn't because she has you, but you shouldn't be on your own. Also, if she does have a divorce, how do they know what signs/symptoms to look out for. As much as she is unwell, should you be accused of the behavior stated and accept responsibility for someone else's infidelity. The reason it's called borderline is because she's not suffering from psycosis. There's an element of emotional instability but she's not psychotic. I've been diagnosed with bpd and although I can frequently have insecurities in relationships, I understand my actions. Furthermore, people with bpd can be very manipulative. You have to protect yourself aswell as look out for her.
  10. Not to upset anyone or anger anyone. But this is a place I suppose I can speak freely because nobody can tell. I have had enough. I have nothing left to give a single person anymore and I dot really know what to do. A few weeks ago I was Sent to a mental health ward (goodmayes). Can you imagine the last place you can imagine yourself being is there and get the staff tell you to f**k off just because you ask for a glass of water. All my life I've been a victim of crime of horrible, vile disgusting men and yet I end up being the one locked up and they are free? Ive always done the right thing. I've never hurt anyone. I love animals and I don't have a criminal record. My "father" will be released from prison next year in march. After doing 6 years in prison. He got sentenced to 20 years? Why say 20 when he only does 6? He abused me for 5. But because I was aged 9-14 the criminal justice act changed. So hes found a loophole. So I've been free for only a little while longer than he abused me. But I haven't been able to reflect and try and fix me ? Why? Because as soon as he went to prison I was attacked again! 3 times. I've been attacked by the same person. When I've told the police they've been quite unhelpful. You know what. If the police are the only people I have to help me, and yet they don't then why. So I withheld the evidence. Last year I had to have an abortion after an attack!! And no one would help me. I had to sleep in my own car bleeding as there was nowhere for me to go? I finally get housed. Above a horrible man and woman. He's just been released from prison after doing 8 years for attacking someone with a machete. Before that he did 18 years for a racially aggrivated murder. They asked for money. I said no. They are drug users and I don't see why I should give them money. So they leave meat on my doorstep. They've attacked me in the street. Vandilised my car. I didn't get given my car, I saved 20 a week from 80 a week wages to get that. It's the only protection I have when outside ? Because that man only lives a few roads down. They always refer to me as a "white girl". Piss off you Race baiters. They attacked my car. Put things through my door. I just want to be left alone with my little cat and try and get over things. But if I make a complaint he makes a counter allegation (false) and the council have said they are just "piggy in the middle". He made a false complaint recently that I had a party and an ambulance came as I had been drinking with all my friends. This was proven untrue. I had overdosed on sleeping pills I bought online. I don't feel safe outside and now I don't feel safe at home. The ambulance service proved this to be untrue but yet, nothing is done. So after being proven as a liar, they just send another's letter telling them to stop harassing me. Another day. He offered me crack. I was disgusted and he said " White girls would suck dick for a bit of crack". Hes looking at the wrong "white girl". And also, if a young girl was going to do that for drugs and you accepted that offer, that says more about you than her. Anyways. I don't know what to do anymore. I have have cried for help. I have asked for help. I've spoken to the housing, the police, the mp. What can I do. Then I try to kill myself and I get locked up??? This isn't fair at all. They try and give me anti depressants and I say it's not me that has a problem in my head it's the problems around me. In 22 now. How can you let my dad out of prison, how can you do that to me????? It was okay when I was under 18 and everyone's around me to make sure I go to court. Get their prosecution. Now he's coming out, i ask what do I do? They said "if you see him, go to a place of safety and call 999". He will kill me. If Daniel sees me he will too. He's the one who's attacked me 3 times. If no one listens to me alive. Maybe the will when I am dead. There's evidence about the attacks from that scumbag in my home and an abortion clinic near me. I just dont understand how this can happen. I've had enough. And I hate my neighbours. Why put me above them. It's a house converted into two flats so I'm upstairs and they are downstairs. I've done nothing to them except refuse to give them money for there drugs. I have no where to go. It takes me days to work myself up to leave my house. I just don't understand how the prison service can do this to me? They had a choice to make. They've chose him. I can't be on the same earth as him while he's out of prison. I can't be moved from Daniel as I haven't made a report to the police and tbh I don't want too! They've not been great so far. And then this neighbour. Just leave me alone. i try to kill my self end up in goodmayes hospital and the staff can't speak English and the ones who can tell you to fuck off. The only thing I took from being in that hospital is that if your gonna kill your self do it properly. Else I'll end up their again! Maybe I'm more like these people than i would like to be. The overdoses fail! And I won't do anything that hurts because it's hurts!!! Fucking coward. Wouldnt believe I used to self harm. Wtf is wrong with me? When I hung myself when I was 16 it went into the guardian paper. "Police save teen seconds from death". Thank you. You did all but fucking name me. May aswell have. I'm lost and don't know what to do. I hate pain. Overdoses are failing all the time! If I knew where to get a gun I'd get one and I'd put it through my head. But who do you ask for a gun? I don't know anyone. I can't ask for help because I'll be the one punished. i don't know what to do in this situation. Maybe i need to get over the fear of ‭‭pain Then I'm told I HAVE THE PROBLEM. I have "emotionally unstable borderline personality disorder" I call it "police and prison service can't be asked"
  11. Hi Vince Im Jo Im also new to the forum. Nice to meet you
  12. Earlier
  13. Hi Guys and Gals, We are running a mental health series and our project has now launched on kickstarter - if you could spare some time to have a look and maybe a couple of pennies it's going to a great campaign. The Project Comprised of three separate 90 second films, each film gives an insight into the lives of three people living with different disorders: Mania, Anxiety and Borderline personality disorder. Medical Facts Every week, one in six adults experiences symptoms of a common mental health problem, such as anxiety or depression. One in five adults has considered taking their own life at some point. Nearly half of adults believe that, in their lifetime, they have had a diagnosable mental health problem, yet only a third have received a diagnosis. Formerly known as manic depression, bipolar is a mood disorder. Around 4 million people in the UK live with bipolar. Project Aims Raise awareness of these mental illnesses and their symptoms. Encourage people to seek help if they feel they are going through something similar. Each film would contain contact information for those seeking further help and support. Thank you so much!! https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1080349748/open-your-eyes
  14. Hi Guys and Gals, We are running a mental health series and our project has now launched on kickstarter - if you could spare some time to have a look and maybe a couple of pennies it's going to a great campaign. The Project Comprised of three separate 90 second films, each film gives an insight into the lives of three people living with different disorders: Mania, Anxiety and Borderline personality disorder. Medical Facts Every week, one in six adults experiences symptoms of a common mental health problem, such as anxiety or depression. One in five adults has considered taking their own life at some point. Nearly half of adults believe that, in their lifetime, they have had a diagnosable mental health problem, yet only a third have received a diagnosis. Formerly known as manic depression, bipolar is a mood disorder. Around 4 million people in the UK live with bipolar. Project Aims Raise awareness of these mental illnesses and their symptoms. Encourage people to seek help if they feel they are going through something similar. Each film would contain contact information for those seeking further help and support. Thank you so much!! https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1080349748/open-your-eyes
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  16. I got sick in 2004 for a reason life stuff relationships desperation for a relationship. I subsequently got worse as a relationship wasn't working out the emotional manipulation wasn't working, then I found out that the person id had a relationship with online for four years lied about everything, we are talking big stuff, he had sent me money and stuff, he was nothing like he said it caused to have a breakdown as my brain could not understand why someone would do something so terrible and spend four years doing it. I was really bad never left the house for months, cried all the time suicidal. Kept ringing friend expecting him to save me, because thats what we do. What cured me was time, having no contact with anyone, taking the right pills and one goal, I knew I had to have a job in six months as was losing sons family credits. I just sat here day by day one day not crying, next day not, not relying on others, it took ages, but one day I got an interview and because I had to do it I did. Wasn't easy but I spent months not talking to no one. You have to get over it yourself, but if you continue to live with what caused it you won't ever get better. For me it was relationships and men, when `I was alone and no man and no worries `I got better. Depression is thinking what ifs, what if this happened, what if he had not changed, what if I hadn't pissed him off. Constantly so you change that but it isn't you. If you keep thinking rather than saying move on can't change it you will always be ill. If you stay with what started it that life you will just still be ill.. It might be leaving someone, it might mean disowning family but you only get one life. I live with my student son but basically just me I have a job I don't have friends I don't have anything and im happy I sing I listen to music people make me ill and me letting them because I'm weak. I don't trust anyone because I give and get nothing back. I have nothing no life no money but I'm happy because I'm content.. Im working on stuff but I've spent years expecting others to help me or care and no one has.
  17. Diagnosed with BPD five years ago, spent that time learning what triggers me, what causes me to be a psycho, what causes me to allow people to abuse me and me accept it. Decided I can't trust myself and have to remain single with no friends as all emotional stuff causes me problems. I have realised that from 14 to 47 my life was lived due to my disorder, that I ruined my kids lives, that I got shit on, married the guy who beat the crap out of me. etc., I won't think about it though because going backwards causes depression. But how can I stop spending money on shit I don't need I get the stomach thing like must have and do anything to get it, then never use and sell it. What does that? How can I tell my kids and get them to understand I was sick as one has disowned me? I now have a bit of a drug problem but only when Ive got money and its to help me sort my stuff out as don't have any one to talk to or family. Who can help as the doctor did not want to
  18. I really need some advice my wife was diagnosed 2 weeks ago with BPD and MDD and has cheated on me and been seeking other male companionship for awhile but i forgave her and now she wants a divorce, which im not going to fight her on. but she is not telling any family or friends the truth about anything she says i had her committed but it was the nurse at the ER that did after hearing how she felt and other things. but now shes telling everyone im controlling and wont let her have friends which is not true. i feel like im losing control and my mind. and the biggest thing is she is not telling anyone what happend just that she was depressed.she has not even told her parents or friends that she has BPD question would be do i tell her friends and family that she has BPD and what has really happend
  19. Hi guys, I'm new, I posted a bit about me in the intro section but I'll probably say more here because its less of an intro thing... So I got diagnosed with BPD about 7 years ago. I have done some therapy, like cbt and counselling and meds like citalopram/beta blockers/mitazopine/prozac/wellbutin, but its been inconsistent because just move so much and i give up on things. I have lead quite a precarious life, was treated for depression and anxiety from the ages of 7, was sexually abused a few times as a kid and adult. It could have been worse, but I have found it very difficult to hold down any kind of employment or relationship/friendship. I am pretty low on support networks or any of that stuff. isolated and estranged/disconnected from people, I mean I am still in touch with some people, but its like everyone is at more of an acquaintance level, or at a duty level (my mother is quite mentally ill and I see her a lot, but I support her more than she supports me). On top of it all I have always gravitated to the arts rather than any kind of practical job, and even then I have found it hard to fully stick to anything for long. But on the flipside in some ways I am really accomplished, I have a high level of education, and teachers always really confident I would do well in my art practice, hard working and enthusiastic when I put my mind to it and when I had the structure of an institution behind me to give me confidence. But unfortunately I find it difficult to really follow through when I am left to my own devices, especially because of mood swings, impulsiveness, depressions, paranoia, insecurity, critical thinking etc etc.. even if I make quite a solid plan, with budgets and lists, schedules, a proper plan... it just falls by the way side.I often change my plans, ideas (identity in some ways).. impulsively. I know, in a way, what I need to do to succeed like to actually sustain myself financially, I have made detailed plans and to do lists, but its myself that gets in the way. I get so down in the dumps about it all that I don't even look after myself, cleaning, exercise, cooking, going to doctors, getting tests done, paying bills.. just can't feel motivated to do it, and it piles up and then I get into trouble. This is often when I then do something impulsive like just move somewhere else, burn my things, join a commune or random project.. I just can't do that anymore, I really want to get back on my feet (if I ever was on them). Practical tips? is there career support for people like me? has anyone else made a go of it who has similar issues?
  20. Hi guys, I'm new, I posted a bit about me in the intro section but I'll probably say more here because its less of an intro thing... So I got diagnosed with BPD about 7 years ago. I have done some therapy, like cbt and counselling and meds like citalopram/beta blockers/mitazopine/prozac/wellbutin, but its been inconsistent because just move so much and i give up on things. I have lead quite a precarious life, was treated for depression and anxiety from the ages of 7, was sexually abused a few times as a kid and adult. It could have been worse, but I have found it very difficult to hold down any kind of employment or relationship/friendship. I am pretty low on support networks or any of that stuff. isolated and estranged/disconnected from people, I mean I am still in touch with some people, but its like everyone is at more of an acquaintance level, or at a duty level (my mother is quite mentally ill and I see her a lot, but I support her more than she supports me). On top of it all I have always gravitated to the arts rather than any kind of practical job, and even then I have found it hard to fully stick to anything for long. But on the flipside in some ways I am really accomplished, I have a high level of education, and teachers always really confident I would do well in my art practice, hard working and enthusiastic when I put my mind to it and when I had the structure of an institution behind me to give me confidence. But unfortunately I find it difficult to really follow through when I am left to my own devices, especially because of mood swings, impulsiveness, depressions, paranoia, insecurity, critical thinking etc etc.. even if I make quite a solid plan, with budgets and lists, schedules, a proper plan... it just falls by the way side.I often change my plans, ideas (identity in some ways).. impulsively. I know, in a way, what I need to do to succeed like to actually sustain myself financially, I have made detailed plans and to do lists, but its myself that gets in the way. I get so down in the dumps about it all that I don't even look after myself, cleaning, exercise, cooking, going to doctors, getting tests done, paying bills.. just can't feel motivated to do it, and it piles up and then I get into trouble. This is often when I then do something impulsive like just move somewhere else, burn my things, join a commune or random project.. I just can't do that anymore, I really want to get back on my feet (if I ever was on them). Practical tips? is there career support for people like me? has anyone else made a go of it who has similar issues?
  21. Hello Everyone, hope your doing ok...or if not at least hope you will be soon.. My names vincent, you can shorten it if you want.. vince, vin, vinny, whatever.. I joined this forum because, probably like many others here I am struggling. I am in my mid 30's, and I like photography and filmmaking, nature and walking. I was diagnosed with BPD in my late 20's. But probably like many here I was 'treated' for other mental issues from childhood (depression, anxiety primarily). I am also Trans (ftm). Anyway I hope to meet you all gradually. I will be posting asking for advice but also if I can help in anyway I will also. Lots of love, Vincent
  22. I completed this therapy last year, it was helpful to me as I now think about things most of the time instead of jumping to negative assumptions hardest thing for me was opening up to people especially in a group setting, I was also the only male so that was difficult After MBT i decided to take medication as my moods weren't stable, and that's helped a lot too, but MBT helps how you interact with people, well it has for me I hope it helps you like it helped me!
  23. I've just started it and I'm finding it really useful so far. Would love to hear other people's accounts of how it's helped them. "Mentalization based therapy (MBT) is a specific type of psychodynamically-oriented psychotherapy designed to help people with borderline personality disorder (BPD). Its focus is helping people to differentiate and separate out their own thoughts and feelings from those around them." Just some questions: How's it helped you? What's been the hardest thing?
  24. I've just started it and I'm finding it really useful so far. Would love to hear other people's accounts of how it's helped them. "Mentalization based therapy (MBT) is a specific type of psychodynamically-oriented psychotherapy designed to help people with borderline personality disorder (BPD). Its focus is helping people to differentiate and separate out their own thoughts and feelings from those around them." Just some questions: How's it helped you? What's been the hardest thing?
  25. I'm getting to the point where I'm feeling suicidal. My Mother (Suffers from a Thyroid Condition) She blames all these things on that, She's a massive Narcissist. She only acknowledges past mistakes, you may think that's a good thing But accuses you of bringing up the past and starts crying. I've been dealing with Mental Issues for around 11 months now, Yet I can't talk to her about it, She says I can (And she does listen) but halfway forces her ''Truth'' Into it. She Just refuses to let me be who I really am. She makes me feel demonic or evil. I'm none of those things, When I was 11 she told me we were moving cities, No discussion though, I mean there was but her side only, Nothing for me to evaluate or consider. I was told by my stepfather that she must tell me if we want to move back we can, She kept that from me. Brought her alcoholic tendencies here. I hardly ever go out, She points out my flaws, I wish I could move away with another family member, But she does everything in her power to twist their thoughts or make me seems horrible. I need out HELP!. She cries and makes me feel horrible and like I can't leave. Everyone is leaving or has left her including my older Brother many years ago She's emotionally and mentally abusive. No-One truly acknowledges how bad it became. And not to mention the personality shifts from one nasty person, to a lovely but creepy person. She breaks down if i were to call her a narcissist or that she's wrong in any small way. She admits one thing to cover it up with another but all comes back to her ''thyroid''
  26. my daughter has diagnosis of BPD. She gets next to no help. Her suicidal feelings are increasing and I cant get any help for her. Anyone got any advice?
  27. Still haven't unpacked the bloody boxes but I am seeing someone on Tuesday so I will hear something more about the flooring situation because right now there is nothing on the floor apart from concrete which I don't mind because it's quite easy to keep clean like this so I'm going to top it with lino because that's going to be easy to keep clean rather than a carpet purely because of all the guinea pig cage that goes every fucking where Correction Hay
  28. I also hear music in my head which does my head in sometimes I am a musician nice I wonder if that's got something to do that
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