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Today I Am Liking....
Ansdeluu and 27 others reacted to fedup! for a topic
**breathing deeply ** Today I am liking: Green and Blacks Ginger chocolate (can no longer pretend I've given up choc..oh well!) Brian Cox(!) My homemade soup The fab film Gypsy starring Natalie Wood The 3 EP's by the Beta band Liverpool FC What are you liking today? xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx28 points -
A Support Forum?
starlight2012 and 27 others reacted to Joshua for a topic
Hi All, This is something that has come up again tonight but isnt something that hasnt been said before. Many people believe this is a support forum and those of you that do would be partly right but its much more than that. This place is about laughter, sharing, support, relationships, interactions, conflicts, fights and making up, learning, hurting, happiness, togetherness the list could go on forever and a day but most of all this place is about inclusion. Many people who join this site do so as they feel utterly alone and as if no one could possibly understand the chaos which is life to most of you, they join for understanding. Please be kind to each other but also recognise that being a member of this community will not always involve a smooth ride. People hurt and when people hurt they sometimes lash out at others, others that care...28 points -
Recent Events
NoitteReibe and 21 others reacted to Joshua for a topic
It saddens me to write this message but it’s something that I feel needs to be said. I really don’t feel that the work here is appreciated by everyone it should be. So much time and effort goes into everything you see here today. I started this site at a time in my life where things where particular difficult, many many years ago. Since this time I have dedicated my energy, my money and my time into maintaining and developing the services you see here. This is something for which I receive no financial reward. Recently I implemented a new system which incorporates many features which have been developed in response to your feedback. Over the past 8 years I have benefited from hearing many of your views, not just directly but also indirectly through messages you have posted on the forums. I understand that some have taken a negative reaction to the sudden change and I am truly sorry about this. My intentions were certainly sincere. I understand the point made about letting you know in advance of changes but experience has shown me that this causes a level of anxiety in its self as those who do not take well to change have time to over think the changes. Also a level of resistance can be met which can cause a delay to the implementation of the new features due to me having to deal with these issues of anxiety rather than spend all my effort and energy in completing the new features. Further issues are caused by letting you know prior to something becoming a part of the community which I have gone into around the forum. Whilst I acknowledge some unhappiness about the changes and value some of the feedback I do not accept the way in which I have been treated by several members here. Neither do I accept the behaviour of some members in response to some of the changes. This community is renowned for its openness and the flexibility it gives to its members. I value giving those the ability to speak freely and openly and at times of conflict for people to state their issue and propose alternative and challenging views. What I do not value is bullying, abuse and contempt for authority here. Should you disagree with something on this forum you are free to bring this up in a way that considered constructive. All I ask is that you treat the team members and I with the same freedom and respect we offer to you. We are not here to be pounced on and abused when you disagree with something that has occurred, we are here to help out of good will and not out of obligation.22 points -
Checking In! (How Do You Feel Today)
Anspeluh and 19 others reacted to piuma for a topic
hello i just thought this might be a good idea. when i was in group therapy we all started off by checking in. sometimes on here, i dont wanna post a topic, just wanna state how im feeling today, now i know you can do that on your profile, but we dont have time to sit looking through everybody's profile to see what their status says. i thought maybe we could post on here just a sort of check in, how we are feeling today, or anyday, doesnt have top be everyday if you dont want. but somewhere you can just come and say what eva!!! i'll go first. today i feel, ok, frustrated at my lack of motivation, but ok, how is everyone else??20 points -
Have A Great Xmas!
Skisseattiz and 17 others reacted to Joshua for a topic
I just wanted to wish each and everyone of you a great day! I hope you are all able to enjoy some, if not all of your day. I realise that many are isolated and may be spending the day without family support. I really hope you have a stratergy for deaing with Christmas and wish to assure you that although most places are closed through XMAS we always remain here for you. Please take care, Best Wishes The Team and I.18 points -
How You're Feeling In A Picture
Suttonxud and 15 others reacted to Saxen for a topic
Whilst I was trying to find my perfect house for another thread I came across this photograph and it really struck a chord Was wondering if you guys have any images that described how you're feeling? (Sorry if there's a thread like this already anywhere!)16 points -
Wish Me Luck
Mandyfza and 15 others reacted to Data for a topic
I have a job interview on Friday. Its for a research fellow position in a university. So on Thursday I leave work - I'm hoping to get away by 3.30pm as we have flexi-time. Then its a 205 mile journey to my hotel. I am staying in a hotel overnight; I have some pasta to take with me for an evening meal. I'm planning just to stay in the room and boot up my laptop (wi-fi is free) and munch my pasta and have a quiet evening. I've got a double ensuite all to myself which is good! On Friday its up at 7.30, breakfast, then change in to my suit and head to the university, which is about a mile from the hotel. They say that its a whole day thing - 9 to 5pm!!!! I have to give a 15 minute presentation which I have prepared. I've rehearsed it quite a few times.. I've also polished my shoes and printed off the directions (I have no sat-nav) and printed off the hotel booking accommodation and asked for a parking pass in the university. I've also skim-read four academic papers which were written by the professor who runs the department - he's the person who has been emailling me. And I'm doing a bit more prep reading in the research areas that they are interested in, which I'm scribbling down tonight into my little notebook. I have a couple of bottles of lemonade and some fruit to munch on during the day. They haven't said what the format of the day is, or if they provide lunch. Once I am finished its a 155 mile journey home. If they keep me until 5pm then I reckon I won't be home until about 8pm. And then I'll be popping out for fish and chips and loads of beer lol. I've not seen my family since last weekend, as I work away in the week. Strangely enough the thing that I'm most nervous about right now is the travelling, since I have never been to the town (where the interview is held) before. However, I am sure that tomorrow night I'll be worried sick about the interview.... I am going to try and be confident and positive and smile a lot. If I get the job, then thats great - as the one I have now (although a good job) isn't really what I want to do. If I don't get the job then at least it will be good practice as I've never had an interview for a research job before. Wish me luck! Its exciting but soooo stressful!!!!16 points -
What to do if you are in Crisis.
medchemshop66 and 15 others reacted to Warrior Princess for a topic
Hi all, I'm not in crisis! But thought I would post this here rather than good day and recovery. I find that when I'm in crisis that's the last place I go! Hope that is ok. The Purse Dump Often when you are in a crisis situation it's because you are overloaded. Then it's time to offload some of the crap and give yourselves a bit of a break. I call it my purse dump! The women can relate to this I'm sure. It's when your purse gets so full of bits and pieces, junk mail, extra make up, money hidden at the bottom, can't find the mobile phone under tissues and other odds and ends. It gets heavy to carry and is so disorganized... so what do you do? Dump the whole thing on the table and only put back what you absolutely need! Toss out the junk and rubbish, put the rest away where it belongs and Voila! You have a much lighter load. Try it with your schedule and life. For the men... think of it as re organizing your tool box. That's what my hubby likes to do. He empties the whole thing, cleans out the rubbish and then puts the tools back in order from largest rachet to smallest... puts all the drill bits in their holders and then he has an organized little area to work from. So how do you apply this to your lives? I tend to do it with lists. I make a list of everything on my mind. I go back and prioritize it with *'s. One * means not so important... five *'s very important. Then I re write the list with just the five * things on the top. The rest gets filed til later. so example 1. Mental Health - top priority... 2. Physical needs (food, shower, sleep) 3. Taking care of the kids and animals. 4. Work 5. Pay bills 6. time out for play and relaxing etc. and Forum. Your list might be different or in a different order. After you make that list can then PLAN what to do for each. For the first one it might be ring crisis team or MH worker, take meds, take care of physical self. Slow down and do One thing at a time. Lastly what I tend to do is one thing at a time. Choose ONE thing on the list to do today. No other! Just one. Do that thing first. Then if you have the energy for others stuff you can do that as well. Obviously things like paying bills and taking care of kids can't really wait til tomorrow but some things can! Ask for Help Also, ask for help where you need it. Keep your crisis team updated and be honest about how you are feeling and what you have done to help or hinder yourself! Limit your worry time. Put a time limit on how long you will look at the list. Say, 2 hours. After the 2 hours is up LEAVE IT and take a rest. Do something you like. Take a warm bath, cup of tea, spoil yourself. I like to go garden and forget the list and the problems for at least another 2 hours, if not for the rest of the day. Crisis box or self help box. Keep a crisis box. this is a little box you have with things in it to remind you of what you have to live for. I have pictures of my kids in there, reminders of good times such as the time we all went and played laser tag! I have words to songs I relate to and like, I have affirmation cards, crisis numbers, a bunch of cards with things to do rather than self harm, practical things like band aides and dressings, print outs of posts from here that were helpful and positive. Basically anything that is helpful and up lifting. When ever you are down, go to the box and review the stuff in it. Use a Tephlon Mind This is when you allowe thoughts to slip out of your mind as if they were a cooked egg on a non slip frying pan. the frying pan is your mind, the egg is the thought. Just let it slide out onto a plate and your head is clear of it. Do it as many times as yu need to to get rid of unwanted thoughts. Some people prefer to visualize a leaf on a stream. You're standing at one point at the stream and watching the leaves which are your thoughts, slip on by slowly by with out reacting to them. Or you can visualize a conveyer belt with items on it that go by. You watch them go by with out evaluating, judging or reacting to them. I find using these techniques that my thoughts get "sick" of me and they slow down since I refuse to react to them. Hope everyone is well. I will see you all in a few days when I get back. W P16 points -
Today I Am Liking....
Anseelub and 14 others reacted to Endoftheroad for a topic
Great Japanese film I saw last night, Departures Indie Dance anthems triple album This http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=kfhfxNIMJjA#at=2015 points -
So Called Former Borderlines Are Really Full Of Bs
Villan and 14 others reacted to Joshua for a topic
Hi Wow an interesting topic. Firstly me being full of bull shit! oh how offensive lol. I think here we need to ask our selves whats recovered?. If its not wanting to kill your self every day, harm yourself, or if its being able to function in relationships, if its not feeling that darkness in the very core of you, then yes id say i recovered. This will mean different things to different people. The other thing is i can now work and accept what comes with that work both ups and downs and have done for a few years now. For instance when people no longer meet the full 5 minimum criteria of BPD they can be classed as recovered but do they feel recovered thats another thing.... I dont know if its fair to call someone a bull shitter when they truly believe they have come through the other end of something. It wasnt easy, it wasnt painless but it is so.15 points -
I wanted to take a minute to wish you all happy holidays and the very best for 2013. I know for some of you,you hate the holidays or find them hard.My wish is that for you the holidays will be smooth,non painfull and that youre able to make it into that what suits and pleases you! Youre all without exception wonderfull people even if sometimes thats hidden below the surface I see the good in each of you and believe in you all.In your ability to grow and find happiness. May you also see these things in yourself and may 2013 be your year! Lily14 points
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I Finally Got Admitted!
lonelyheartemma and 13 others reacted to icu_baby for a topic
Today I finally got admitted as a Lawyer Its been years of blood sweat and tears. At times I did not even know I was going to make it and when I say that I mean that I could have died on several occasions from my suicide attempts. I feel happy and thankful that I am alive today to experience this achievement and I know that if I can do something like this, others can too.14 points -
I Hate The Hypocrisy Of Employers
Mandyhxq and 12 others reacted to Data for a topic
I applied for a job in a company and they contacted me and invited me to come for an interview at their office, which was 80 miles away. I received the email at 7am on the 5th of June, and the interview was 11am on the 6th of June!!! I politely asked if we could do a telephone interview instead. I said if that was successful then I could come to their office. They are aware that I am currently in a full-time, permanent job. Perhaps I should have said: "Yes, I can come to the interview. I'd love to work for you! Although, I might just take a few days off work if I don't like the job. And I won't give you any proper notice, I'll just say that I won't be in work tomorrow". And then we had the interview, and they said they'd call me back on the 21st with a view to arranging an interview on the 28th, so I booked that day off work. And they didn't bother to call me: I chased them up but they said they are busy, so I lost a days holiday and didn't get an interview. I am busy too. Perhaps they think I have all the time in the world just to be fucked about? I had another day off for an interview on the 12th (another day's annual leave used up). And it took the WHOLE day. That was over 200 miles from my current workplace. I had to stay overnight in a hotel, at my own expense. They said they would reimburse travel expenses but that never happened (although maybe that is my fault for not asking them). He said he would call me on the 15th to give me feedback. And guess what - he didn't bother. I'm going to ring him on Monday and ask him politely whether they have any feedback and whether they are going to give me a job. Perhaps instead I should email and ask: "Hi Prof. I noticed on the 12th that you like the sound of your own voice a lot, so I am surprised that you have not contacted me to let me know whether or not you are going to give me a job. Do you treat everyone with such disrespect, or just applicants? Or maybe its just that you are a poor time and project manager?".13 points -
Checking In! (How Do You Feel Today)
PereerroriruT and 12 others reacted to Shelley for a topic
Today Ive felt anxous, low, tired, irritable and generally pissed off with life, just took night meds, had enough of today.13 points -
Checking In! (How Do You Feel Today)
PereerroriruT and 12 others reacted to piuma for a topic
oh im sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo glad its back, has there been a pronlem??????13 points -
Depression
Auret and 11 others reacted to Lily-Bee for a topic
Advice on how to deal with depression from a fellow sufferer; - Find a balance between acceptance and not giving up. - Allow yourself to be lazy, to sleep, to just hang but dont wallow, eat, take your meds, talk to your friends, keep your house and yourself clean. - Practice mindfulness/meditation. - Read, read, read and then read some more good books on things like selfcompassion, acceptance, mindfulness etc. Alternatively if youre not into reading, get an audiobook, check out youtube vids or sign up for a course of your choosing. - Practice, try out coping skills and stick to what works for you. - Be gratefull, even in the darkest night there is beauty. Take note of it! - Remember that one step is more then no steps, so applaud yourself for every little thing you manage. Set only small goals, the rest will follow naturally in time. - Dump unsupportive friends and cherish the good ones. Invest in them, do not shut them out. If you dont want to talk ask how they are. If you lack friends join a club of your choosing even if it is "only" online. - Fuel your passions, feed them. If you do not know what your passion is search for it, what interests you, what did you like as a kid, try out things. - Give your time to a good cause, find a cause that speaks to you and somehow contribute. You have worth and you can do good in this world. - Practice (self) compassion like your life depends on it, it actually does! Learn to give yourself what you need. - Listen to your gut. Do not be afraid to set bounderies, be your own advocate, protector. This is your job. If you dont no one else will, youll lose yourself and there is nothing more depressing then that. - If you love animals consider getting a pet, they can be very therapeutic. - There is absolutely no shame in seeking proffessional help. The most interesting people are those that have or have had tons of therapy - Express yourself. Doesnt matter how, find what suits you; writing, painting, acting, dancing, talking, photography, singing, whatever. ( People Ive learned from; Kirsten Neff, Steven Hayes, Jon Kabat Zinn, Elizabeth Wurtzel, Russ Harris, Marsha Linehan, Rick Hanson, Jack Kornfield, Christopher Germer, Eckhart Tolle, Byron Katie, Dalai Lama, Augusten burroughs, Ruby Wax, Stephen Fry, Andrew Solomon, Ajahn Brahm and many others).12 points -
Commending This Forum On Recent Shows Of Unbelievable Strength
CrippleAndStarfish and 11 others reacted to fedup! for a topic
Hi folks, Just got a huge rush of love for this place. I know we go through horrible phases where it seems we all do each others' heads in and times when it seems we are all hurting as one. But at the mo, it seems to me that we are all really trying and succeeding to push through some hard barriers whilst being kind to ourselves. Here's a few examples off the top of my head - please please remember that my head is like a stoned goldfish's at the mo, so there will be folk I've forgotten about!! if you feel I have, please add them in your reply...or add yourself!!! Esme - sticking with the career and course you have always wanted, and seeing good results coming in Eagleheart - for truly inspirational words here Data - for never giving up and taking risks in your career walker - for dealing with hard emotional times in an unbelievably brave way Growlycat - for finding the courage to do the right thing Badkitteh - ditto above Orangelamp - for trying a to be optimistic and inspiring us all to do the same here Snoozysuzy - for being a fabulous cat mum seriouskid - for sharing your creativity Maddison - for never failing to see the humour and thankfully reminding us all Jades - for putting yourself first re: your health Sah Blue - for being gentle with yourself and for always, always being supportive Jinxsta - for being so honest about yourself and being a rock for others vivien - for always being yourself and being there for us all villan - for being a fab chips Please please please reply and mention any others I have missed out!! I have typed this off the top of my head, please don't think I've excluded anyone on purpose, I'm just mega absentminded. So proud of everyone here at the mo, this feels a safe and supportive place to be xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx12 points -
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Upgrade....
foevegroumeno and 11 others reacted to Joshua for a topic
Hello all Sorry to say but the site was down for a period of three hours, this was due to some updates to the server performance which should have only took 30 mins!. You should notice a big difference in the speed of the site. Let me know...12 points -
Do The Forums Seem Very Quiet?
maddogboy and 11 others reacted to Joshua for a topic
The site has been here 8 Years and there is still more than a 100 people on this site a day.... It's going no where.12 points -
Current Sh Posts
DJJK and 11 others reacted to doormouse for a topic
This has been a difficult thread for me to read, but I chose to read all the way through, because I wanted to make sure what I wanted to say was relevant.... Like Piuma, I have sat on the end of the phone, or the computer, with someone I cared about having told me that they had done somthing which could potentially end their life. Even putting on my professional hat in those situations is no help at all. I couldn't sleep, was constantly worrying, I made myself ill. Equally, I've felt the urges to harm myself, I have hurt myself in the past. There is a huge difference between saying - "I feel the need to harm myself" or "last night I hurt myself but I went to casualty" and "I AM harming myself and I AM NOT seeking professional help." I'm not trying to underestimate or invalidate how bad anyone feels when they are in crisis - but posting whilst you are hurting yourself makes others feel helpless, and can push them into a crisis situation too. When you are in crisis, you aren't in a place where you can consider other people much, which I why I personally agree that there have to be rules against posting details about self harm or suicidal behaviours in which you are currently engaging in. There are places you can go in those situations, people you can call - the samaritans for example, and you can email them too. Just in a community like this we need to protect each other and ourselves. Hugs Mousexx12 points -
So Called Former Borderlines Are Really Full Of Bs
lobstergirl and 11 others reacted to sanctuary for a topic
Foreverborderline your name says it all. I hope people don't get angry at you although saying people who have recovered are 'bullshitters' is really rather harsh and could easily provoke strong responses. I've been in therapy for 3 years now and I can definately say my feelings about recovery have fluctuated wildly in that time. I would rather believe that recovery is possible rather than the alternative however I am open to ANY view which is progressive and hopeful. Whatever you think about recovery, it doesn't take away the fact that there are people working tirelessly day in day out to manage their tumultuous emotions and live a better life. It is this constant striving for a more peaceful and balanced life that makes me hopeful I can learn to manage my emotions so that they do not take over complete control of my life. You really are biting the hand that is trying to feed here by saying Joshua is a bullshitter. What is extremely clear is that he has gone out of his way to allow people with BPD the VERY BEST CHANCE at any kind of recovery. You really can't take that away from him. I feel sorry you think recovery is impossible but like everything, it takes commitment and time. You can't judge people on their ability to recover just by their diagnosis. It takes a strong person to overcome the powerful emotions involved in BPD every day life. Perhaps you are feeling weak now. But who's to say you will not surpass all previous attempts at getting better. You have to stay positive and open to the possibility that your view is perhaps a self fulfilling prophecy itself. Dig deep.... you will find your answers within yourself... not from other people so dont be too harsh on others. xxx12 points -
Dr Data (Nearly)
wordsmithy and 10 others reacted to Data for a topic
On Thursday I had an oral exam. Its a 3-4 hour interview. I wrote a thesis, which is like a book, which summarised the research I did over 5 years 2007-2012. The result of the exam is that I can have a PhD (doctor of philosophy), subject to minor corrections. That means I have to do a few little things to my thesis, merge a few chapters and include a few extra paragraphs. If my corrections are accepted (and they almost always are), I will graduate with a PhD this year. So its a REALLY positive outcome. They could have made me do much more work to get the doctorate. But the external examiner, a professor from another university, was really positive. I am made up. He was so nice to me . He did have some criticisims, but most students are not perfect, we are here to learn, that is why we are a student. So it looks like I'll be Dr Data soon then .11 points -
Hello all, Just to let you know the forums software has been updated with the latest software. You may notice slight changes but nothing major as far as im aware. Also the return of PM's - by the end of today PM's will return to all member groups (Free of charge). I have also been working hard on introducing some educational videos. They are not final versions yet but i thought io would share with you the progress - http://bpdworld.org/videos There are a number of spelling mistakes etc which are currently being worked through. Plus the intro's need writing.11 points
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20,000 Members
Adamb and 10 others reacted to Joshua for a topic
Well I just couldnt believe my eyes when a day or so ago we reached 20,000 members!!! This is huge for any forums but esspecially a forum that deals with a specialist subject. This forum has come through some hard times together and has done this because of people like you! I have seen so many people come and go and also many stay, its really been quite something for me to experience some of your life events with you and I am thankful for my time to date on this forum. I would like to thank members of my team past and present for your support and dedication. Let the growth continue....11 points -
Commending This Forum On Recent Shows Of Unbelievable Strength
catsmother21 and 9 others reacted to jenny1471 for a topic
While I appreciate this thread, mainly because I've been included in it, I really worry for the many who haven't had a mention. I haven't read and remembered all the names mentioned so far but I personally often think of Growly, Maddison, Berenger, Walker, Vivien (a lot), AppleCrumble, JBR (sorry can't remember the numbers after JBR), Natfredricks, Iron Lady, catsmother (who both haven't been here in ages but are missed), Sundries, bananas, Christine, orangelamp, dorian, cookyducky, guntarded, elvis, daisyduck, artemis, Tan, Maddy, fedup, Jinxsta, emogirl, Saharah, addy, debz, amenthyst, annielou, bereft, cadance, pandora, esme,Eagleheart, lonelyheartemma, detroitguy, imdebbiem, lucy, ollie, successful.worthrough, corpsewithapulse, JasmineRose, Dice, Data, Shadowoftheday, snoozysuzy, jeckle, tray, absolute, badkitteh, data, villan, jelly-bean, Lily, Josh.... Oh and the list is truly massive. It's dangerous to list specific people as there are always always people missed out and I'd hate to trigger people's "I've been forgotten" feelings. There are many new people, people who come and don't post, people who do post,etc who haven't been included in any post yet... But please know you're all important and without all of us this forum wouldn't exist xx10 points -
Back - Again!
carlylight1 and 9 others reacted to catsmother21 for a topic
Just wanted to say hi to all my friends. I wasn't intending to come back but have missed you all so much that I couldn't stay away any longer. Love and hugs to you all Cats xxxx10 points -
Cooking And Eating Properly :)
fedup! and 9 others reacted to catsmother21 for a topic
This is really a big thanks to Crippie because of the post she made about eating a varied diet which we weren't doing at all and it has given me a kick up the arse because I realised that I was worrying so much about doing the housework, washing and ironing etc that I didn't have any energy left for cooking and eating and enjoying doing that. This is what we have had for the last 3 days (can't remember the last time that I cooked properly 3 days in a row!!) Saturday - homemade Spag Bol (made with Quorn) with butter, black pepper and parsley tossed through the spaghetti and garlic bread. Sunday - Linda McCartney sausages, mash, baby carrots, baby sweetcorn, green beans, asparagus and red onion gravy. Monday - homemade sauteed mushroom and caramalised onion quiche with new potatoes and salad. I have also been eating a sandwich for lunch and fruit every day and do feel like I've got more energy Just need to start eating breakfast again - coffee and cigs at the moment - that's still a work-in-progress. But I think I'm doing quite well and I am enjoying the buying of the ingredients, the measuring, chopping and weighing and then cooking it and enjoying eating it - my passion for it is returning and have been going through my recipe books and magazines again I'm going to the hairdressers tomorrow so I'm just going to do something easy like a big bowl of pasta, garlic bread and a lovely side salad. :masked:10 points -
Next Challenge - Try To Stop Cutting
DaisyChain and 9 others reacted to manja. for a topic
so i have decided that trying to stop cutting will be my next challenge. since i started doing it regularly i just decided not to worry about it as if it's helping for now then so be it. trying to stop wasn't a priority. my priority was firstly to stop overdosing and i have. been almost a month now. the thoughts are still there, but i am sure i'm not going to give in to them. and it is no longer the way that i have the intense need to od, like there's no other way to get through it. they're just thoughts,that's all, and i can handle them. my second priority was to tackle the gambling problem. this one is harder, but i have gotten myself in bad financial trouble. i don't have an addiction, and my cpn agrees with me on this. the rush i get while gambling was filling the emptiness for a while, and i'm fine with not gambling now, but tackling the financial a mess is a whole other challenge so i'm trying my best at that. so next challenge i seen what a mess i'm making of my body. i don't think the next challenge is even just to stop cutting. perhaps the next challendge is to somehow get myself to care enough to want to stop cutting. i need to really want it, like i've really wanted to stop overdosing and stop gambling. i need to really be determined. and then i need to put a serious attempt of trying to stop. next challenge, here i come :)10 points -
First Visit To Day Unit Today
manja. and 9 others reacted to CrippleAndStarfish for a topic
So, after what happened the other night, my care co-ordinator, the consultant psychiatrist that i see from the Community Mental Health Team, the crisis nurse, and the crisis team's consultant psychiatrist has decided that it would be detrimental to admit me into to psychiatric hospital at the moment, as it would interfere with and possibly stop altogether the process i'm mid-way through of getting my own home. Instead, they've "suggested" (read: worded it like a suggestion while making it perfectly clear that if i don't comply then they'll cart me off anyway for inpatient treatment) that I attend the day unit at the hospital every day for 2-3 hours, and have contact with a crisis nurse via phone at least once a day. So, I went today. My care co-ordinator took me and brought me home as it was my first time going, but the rest of the time i will have to get to and from there on my own. It was okay. I got there just before 10am. There's a reception bit that has this tropical fish tank right down one wall, and the fish are really pretty, I was sat watching them while i waited for someone to come and take details from me. Anyway, they came and took some details, and then my cc and the receptionist(?) walked with me and i was shown through to what they called the day room, where there's a few sofas, a bookcase and a table covered with magazines, a tv and dvd player with a few dvds around it, a radio, a small fridge with juice and milk in, a kettle and some mugs and cups. There are big french doors at one end of the room that open out under some sort of shelter bit where there is a little patio table and a few chairs. That's the smoking area. Past that, there's this little bit of garden thing that looks quite pretty. Apparently when it's nice weather they have games of tennis and stuff like that on the lawn there. I was left in the day room until about 11, when i was called through to a room off the side and was sat and this lady asked me how i was feeling and stuff, and what led to me coming here etc. I talked to her for about half an hour, then was shown back to the day room. Had a chat with another woman who was there, and then went to get some lunch.... Well, I had a cup of tea and some toast, didn't fancy anything else, but sat chatting to a couple of others who were there too. There were 5 people there that I saw. Then back into the day room and i sat with a book and watched a bit of telly until my CC came to collect me and bring me home again. I got back in just before half one. I didn't realise how nervous i had been until I got back here, cause i walked in the front door and just started crying and shaking. Again. It's annoying me, this shaking-crying-crap. It feels like it's happening all the bloody time. But anyway, it was alright at the unit. I'm going tomorrow, got to be there for half 10, and will be coming home about 1 again. anyway, enough of me rambling, just wanted to get that out, as can't really talk to nana about it and mum is at work so can't speak to her just yet. xxx10 points -
This Weekend
drybones and 9 others reacted to CrippleAndStarfish for a topic
I get to spend the entire time with Logan Just me and him in the house - we're gunna be at my mum's, as she's got broadband, sky+, and a much fuller fridge and also need to feed the dog and the cats, as mum and her fella are buggering off for the weekend (only to steve's flat 5 mins away, so they're close by if i can't cope and need a hand with anything - we're being careful cause i'm not very stable atm) But i really feel like i'm actually trusted enough with the responsibility of looking after logan from this evening just after tea time until sunday late afternoon. I'm really happy, ESPECIALLY considering all that's gone on recently, with my bro reporting me and stuff. Thought I would share. Love to you all. xxxxxxxxx10 points -
If I Have Broken The Membership Rules....
Fireflies and 9 others reacted to Lily-Bee for a topic
Oh come on youre highly intelligent so you should realize youll only get banned if you knowingly break the rules again. Its in your own hands. Why do you insist we are singling you out,are you blind to your own role in this? Lilly10 points -
Alters Having Accounts
smileler and 9 others reacted to toaster for a topic
no u cant trust me str8 away, an nor shud u. its how u get taken in by horrible ppl. an fyi, i know all about your 'non garden variety' types of abuse u speak of, u know, being abandoned then raised by a psychopath and her paedo sons and daughters, u know, that sort of thing... and fyi no abuse is garden type - its called ABUSE for a reason. it either abuse or it isnt. and whatever abuse it is shud never have happened.10 points -
I Love My Therapist
Data and 8 others reacted to lonelyheartemma for a topic
I hope I'm not going to get too attached to him but I'm really impressed with him so far. He is a trainee but when he doesn't know something he is honest about it. He didn't resort to "why would you want to know that?" or an untruthful "I told you that weeks ago!" like the trainee social worker. When he doesn't know something, he says he'll find out in time for the next session and he almost always has the answer. If not he at least gives me an update. But one thing he does definitely know is what 'validate' means. Just small things like "that was a horrible thing for your mum to say" really mean a lot. He's interested in my whole life, not just the things that make me feel bad. He wanted to know what I'd been doing since I last saw him. I showed him my book and he loved it. He thinks my imagination is amazing. I find it odd that he would admire things I do but he does. He's told me almost nothing about himself and I don't quite like to ask but he seems like a human being and not a blank wall. I find it so much easier to talk to human beings. He warned me that a letter was coming as he was worried the wording of it might upset me- it says I'm signed up for 10 sessions but he says that doesn't mean it's "10 sessions and then goodbye", it's just he does things 10 sessions at a time, then we review, then we extend if I'm in agreement. I think it's really good he's aware that little things like that can be upsetting. He has a sense of humour- maybe not vital but it is something I appreciate. I like how he looks at things in a positive way. Getting my own flat is a positive step, it's not just an escape from my parents. He didn't quite say he liked me, that's probably unprofessional but he gave me a whole list of reasons why I'm not a horrible person. And I think he does like me. As a person. I thought he fancied me at first because I didn't think anyone would like my actual personality but I think he does like my personality. When I was a teenager all I wanted was for someone to think I was hot but being liked for my personality is even nicer. I wish I could clone him so you could share him.9 points -
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Praising Myself Finally
Silverwolf and 8 others reacted to manja. for a topic
I know this probably sounds really stupid and I hope nobody laughs at me, but I want to take a moment to congratulate myself. I know I’ll just sound stupid, but seems I may have found some of the self-compassion I was looking for by getting and reading my social work records. And I read about a little girl today that some really awful things happened to. Some really terrible stuff that shouldn’t have happened, that could’ve been prevented but wasn’t. But despite that I didn’t do too bad. I went to university and got a degree something nobody in my family had ever done. I bought a house at 22, despite growing up in really bad poverty. I got a really good job, and followed my heart and emigrated and made a life for myself that I really like. And I might suffer from depression and mental health problems but I am strong and focused and determined to make good stuff come out of all the bad stuff that happened, and really determined to get through all the shit and make the best life I can. I’m doing that for that little girl that all the horrible stuff happened. I’m going to get through this, to give her the best life possible. Don’t know what else to say, just that I think if it helped me see some good about myself and helped me find some self-compassion then getting my records was actually a good thing after all. I guess it makes a change from me giving myself a hard time about being unwell. And please don’t praise me, this is not why I’m saying all this crap xxx9 points -
Im Going To Paris!
Benway and 8 others reacted to Lily-Bee for a topic
Hi, On Monday Im going to Paris for 5 days on the same day hubby and mum in law and sis in law will arrive there from London. Wasnt planned that I was going but hubby called me today said my mum in law would pay for ticket for me to come too. I live like a hermit so will be big thing for me but also fun. Josh gave me a kick in the butt and told me to go lol He is right I cant miss out because it makes me a bit nervous. Lily9 points -
How Old Are You?
greenkalllo and 8 others reacted to blackdagger82 for a topic
Physically, Emotionally or Mentally???? Physically 29 Emotionally 2 Mentally 109 points -
What Do You Think About Having Children?
toocrazy and 8 others reacted to walker for a topic
you know the sad thing - none of you see the good things that you can offer to children, yours, AND/OR other peoples you all have SO much goodness and love in you that is there to be shared - that is clear from how you are here please remember that - alongside your illness and difficulties xxxxxxxx9 points -
Firstly I wish to start this message off by saying I am dissapointed by the responses i received in relation to the new support system. I went to great personal and financial expense to intergrate this system with all the new functions it brings to the community and i feel that the response was largely negative and unsupportive. I also believe the responses were premature and did not give the changes the time they needed. This has certainly had an impact upon the way i feel about this community and has also impacted upon my motivation to continue to ensure the place thrives. This being said, i have had some more time recently and therefore changed a number of things around here. I have brought back the status updates for the forums. These can only be used by sponsors, also should anyone misuse the system (as it was misused before) they will no longer have access to this feature. Status updates will also show in posts. Your see this for yourself…. I have brought back the forum blogs, as always they will only be accessed by sponsors. I have increased security so that trolls and spammers should be less frequent. Pm's on the forum can again be used by sponsors. The support system will remain and will continue to be developed in the future.9 points
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Today I Am Liking....
Suttonuev and 8 others reacted to CrippleAndStarfish for a topic
Today I'm liking..... Jelly beans & icy cold glasses of cola how warm it is outside And completely unrelated to the above - my ability to rise above it xxxxxxxxx9 points -
Current Sh Posts
bpdhead and 8 others reacted to Roses for a topic
I thinkthat there should be a section for SH to be able to go and talk about it as it is happening, as when we get the urges is when we need the help to distract or whatever and not being "allowed" to talk about it is hard work. In fact challenging this behaviour just before or just after is key to breaking that cycle and banning it from the discussion table is kind of like banning a kid from TV for a week and feels kinda punishey. Also there are various forms of SH yet it is only the cutting one that is baneed???? People can talk about their over/under eating freely, their wracking up massive credit card debt, their addiction to substances and tobacco..... all of which can fall under the SH banner. And as you said above it is hard to define where to draw the line so hows about you DON'T.9 points -
Life Changing Decision
Silverwolf and 8 others reacted to skp67 for a topic
on monday whilst on leave from hos i started my usual od procedure but this time i gagged on the pills, felt guilt straight away. So just want to share with everyone my psych doc said i had taken 60 od's last yr, but something has clicked i dont want to do it any more. Yeah sure i'm gonna wobble but the last 7 weeks in hos has really helped. I know its baby steps right now and the path is long but by god i'm not gonna die so soon. Scally xx9 points -
I Did It, I Did It, I Did It!
angelsmile and 8 others reacted to catsmother21 for a topic
I haven't been out for well over 2 weeks because the anxiety and panic attacks were getting too much. So I gave up for a while and just stayed in my comfort zone at home. Today, I felt like I was beginning to get some of my fight back and thought I can't and won't stay in here for the rest of time. I washed my hair and then made a small list for the supermarket, took the bull by the horns and went for it. I kept my sunglasses on so that people couldn't see the fear in my eyes and they gave me something to hide behind. My mouth was dry, I felt sick and I thought my legs were going to give out at the checkout but nothing really bad happened. We only live about 3 minutes walk from the supermarket and didn't have heavy shopping so it was OK to walk back. I'm so pleased I did it - still feel a bit strange but I know that I just need to ease myself back in day by day and IT WILL GET BETTER. My husband is so proud of me and I think I'm proud of me too!!!!!! :D9 points -
Checking In! (How Do You Feel Today)
Stanleypouz and 7 others reacted to Apollo 13 for a topic
That's my Girl.........tell it like it is.....not your fault if it offends or doesn't sit well with others......you are just being YOU........................Liberating....isn't it??!!8 points -
Alters Having Accounts
x-Bliss-x and 7 others reacted to Warrior Princess for a topic
Hi all,I'm finally getting a word in edgewise with my alters. Go me! I'm on the mini lap top so excuse any typing errors. It's such a small keyboard. I just wanted to say that I am so proud of everyone in this thread for being able to openly discuss a highly contraversial subject with out it becoming a huge horrible debate! I can see both sides and relate to both sides of the argument. As someone with DID, I have been through massive denial about the dx and I have asked all the very same questions that Toaster and others are asking. I can only speak from my own experience here so I will tell you what my life is like as a multiple. How do they hide from people? Main way they do this is pretend to be me. They are able to pull that off nicely since they know me better than I even know myself! They also make conversations brief when they need to and make up excuses why they need to leave. They also have a network inside that they can draw on. Example, if it's a little one and someone we know comes up to us, they can ask one of the older ones to switch in and take over so it's not too obvious that they are a child. Next point. You would be absolutely amazed at how people don't notice the changes. I have switched three times in one sentence in front of a church group and my husband commented he was shocked that no one seemed to notice it. If they did they may have thought I was just a bit wierd, which I've been called my entire life, or they may think I'm just in a bad mood today, or a sad mood, or a wierd mood, or a playful mood. Some who don't know me might even think I'm high but I do not drink or do drugs,smoke or even drink caffine! So life as a multiple is a web of lies often No multiple likes that. We are not liars by nature, we are protective of each other and they are very protective of me as the primary personality. Alters are also pre programmed to keep secrets. It's the very nature of the abuse victim. They may have been threatened or some one/some thing they love was threatened if they told. They may have been told that they would be in trouble if they told, or that it was bad behavior to allowe what was done to them so they would be in deep trouble if they said anything. So when you get use to all this secrecy its very easy to hide. Alters are so unaccepted. They often suffer from a long history of rejection. Not just during the original abuse, but also after when they finally start to come out of the closet and admit they are there. Even we host personalities often reject them which only serves to worsen the condition. So why are they all coming out now on this forumn all of sudden? Here are my theories and I'm not judging anyone! 1. The alters all triggered each other. I have found this with in me. It only took one to say "here I am" and all the others suddenly felt safe to come out. Sometimes wanting to all at once which caused "mega switching" opr spinning. I certainly hope this is not my/our fault and that has been greatly on my mind. but then again if alters are really there it may not be such a bad thing. 2. The alters are lonely, and have no one like thenm to talk to so seeing another alter speak is causing them to seek friendship with someone they can relate to. 3. There may be a minority who are making up alters for attention. If this is so, then they obviosly have a deep need with in to be accepted when they feel unacceptable as themselves. If this is a way they can explore that, then like Lily said, who are we to judge? I just take it all with a grain of salt. To me the ones who are doing this will fade out and on to the next attention seeking phase. We all need attention sometimes so why not? 4. (This has been the case with me in the past) Usually when the alters come out they go else where or offline. I have disopeared for periods of time and it's very often an alter who didn't want to tread in my turf and make a fool of me. ALL alters are there for the benefit of the host even if they have forgotten this fact. Through therapy I have a pretty good relationship with all of mine and they did not want to embarass or discredit me so they would just go awol. 5. My alters have come out on here before and sadly felt ignored . It's a huge fear in an alter to be ignored/rejected so it's easier to pretend to be the host or say nothing and just go do something else other than the forum. Maybe seeing other alters post gave them the strength and courage to talk to that other alter thinking that surely another like them would understand, not ignore and not reject them. 6. This reason is personal. I've heard from them that they feel it's their fault I'm not a moderator any more. I just want to clear the air... it's not. I'm just in a phase of great need myself and I needed you guys! As a mod I held back a lot of myself. I also felt I could serve you just as well as a general member. You are in fantstic hands with Arrakis and Aurora. That's all. Sorry for yet another short novel from WP WP8 points -
Spell Check
Warrior Princess and 7 others reacted to boobsticle for a topic
Expressing my personal feelings about this thread would probably be inappropriate, so I shall suffice to say I am very disappointed that this has escalated to this point. People are in crisis and despair while others are blathering and bickering. I realise I am late to the thread so most of the arguing may have finished, but my point still stands. It has been reiterated countless times to keep personal arguments and disputes to PM. If I see another thread made or any more bickering like this on the board, I am giving all involved a 24 hour suspension so you can chill out and have time to think about what this board is really for. No more of this.8 points