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Did Ya Ever Want To Go Back?


Martina

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Hey all,

I've been on my anti-psychotics (Seroquel), and my anti-depressants (Zoloft) for two months now. The seroquel has helped tremendously. My emotions don't change dramatically twenty times a day anymore, I have not threatened suicide since they kicked in, I have not chased down any cars, my biting has lessened dramatically, etc etc etc.

I've heard alot of people say that Seroquel has been a "wonder drug" for them as well.

Now... even though I know its good that I don't do these things as much anymore, I miss being totally crazy like that. I really want to lose complete control again. Yesterday I tried to make myself do it, and I couldn't. For twenty years out of control emotions have been a part of my life.

And yes... they are still there, but just subdued a lot. The real test will be when I start working again, and I have not had a job since the last day of April.

What do you think of all that I've typed?? Can you relate??

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I can relate. There was an exhillaration there that you don't get anywhere else. Sad, but in order not to have the other crap that goes along with it you have to lose that feeling. I guess for me all the negative effects that came with the high were too bad to trade for those few moments.

bets

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i guess i just got tired of the past and past feelings controling my life. it wasn't easy and it took a lot of time for me to be comfortable, and the level of comfort varies with my mood, but i guess this is better. i got tired of clinging to walls that were moving and not being able to function... i just started doing things. i started university and found it stimulating and enjoyable and i got a lot of possitives that came with it. of course i was a lot older than the average student and i think my age helped me get over some of it. then about 2 years ago everything crashed and i got to the point of not speaking, not going to work, or caring about anything, no feeling, no pain, no life.. just sitting and rocking. three hospitalizations, therapy 3 times a week, some yoga and 2 years later i am able to make myself work and live. it isnt great right now but it is getting better.

maybe it's like a new pair of shoes, kinda cramped and uncomfortable at first... but you wear them because they look cool.. then one day when you put them on they fit your foot because you have been wearing them everyday.

i dunno.. i just keep trying. there seems to be this strength inside that won't let me kill myself... so i guess i should try and live.

bets

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Martina,

I know exactly what you mean, and I've posted about it before. I will miss it, I know I will, but for me, making the wrong choice and going into therapy, knowing how painful it would be to leave it, WAS NOT WORTH THE RUSH. I said a couple days ago that I would rather burn my house down than go through this again, and I still feel that way. If I thought the emptiness would go away if I continued to go further and further out, I'd do it, but I know that it won't.

Now my only problem is trying to figure out the skills that others are being taught in therapy or DBT. Anyway, Martina, yes I know what you mean, but it just wasn't worth it to me or my friends and family.

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