Hugging In Therapy

[Stezzy]

I've been seeing a new therapist for a few weeks and it's the first time I've been in therapy for 2 and a half years. My previous therapist was lovely and used to hug me when I wanted closeness, which I found really comforting. Now I'm seeing this new therapist and we've just started bulding up an emotional connection and rapport, but that isn't enough as the need for physcial contact has come back. I want a hug so bad but I'm too scared to ask in case she says no. I don't think I could bear it if she refuses. I know some therapists aren't comfortable with physcial contact of any kind in case things get misread but I don't know how to find out whether she is or not. I know it sounds obvious to just ASK but I can't. I really can't. But the longing is so strong and I know it won't go away. I don't want it to become a huge issue for me though. What do you guys think? Is it ok to want a hug or am I just being stupid?

[NickyP]

I've never known of a therapist that had such physical contact with a client. Seems pretty inappropriate to me, given that most of us are in therapy for emotional, sexual abuse type issues making us vulnerable to physical contact.

[Stezzy]

I've known and known of lots of therapists who permit some sort of physcial contact (obviously with the exception of anything sexually suggestive) but maybe we're thinking of different types of therapists. I have to disagree that it's inappropriate in every case - if there is sexual abuse that is obviously a difficult area - but sometimes I believe it might help the client to heal emotionally. The contact I had with my previous therapist helped me a huge amount, and there was never any question of inappropriateness. But everyone sees this differently I guess.

[NickyP]

well, yeah, i agree about it helping heal from past inappropriate touches etc. it should ideally be a perfect spot to learn to touch and be touched again.

BUT, therapists are leaving themselves wide open to many things, namely loss of their career. I mean, we, as in abuse survivors, might not admit, or even realise it but we can see contact in a warped way, ie. he stroked my arm...OMG he wants to shag me, never mind that he is your doctor or whatever.

[Stezzy]

Yeah it's a very difficult area I agree. I think that's why it should be up to the individual therapist to make the choice whether it's too risky or not based on how they personally feel about the subject and also in relation to each particular client. I don't think there should be a global "No Physcial Contact" rule for all therapists, as sometimes it's so emotionally healing. It's really tough if there's sexual abuse...in my case there wasn't only emotional and verbal abuse, and hugs really help me (esp when I'm upset). Also, I've seen therapists who are much older than me (motherly age) whereas I'm a young looking twenty something..so the sexual element is unlikely to be a factor. But other scenerios are more of a grey area. Interesting discussion anyway -helped me get some thoughts out lol.

[NickyP]

yes, a good discussion..

my therapist..is a mother figure to me, she reaches out her hand across the table in my direction.

she has only once actually touched my hand and i'm not sure if that was an accident, but it felt

so very warm and lovely.

i'd like her to stretch that bit further and touch me more often.

i know she is fond of me, we've known each other 3 years, and she often goes the extra mile

for me.

[Stezzy]

That's really great Nicky, esp as it shows she cares. It must be so hard for therapists too..they must see people in terrible distress and want to reach out but don't feel they can. I have problems showing emotions so the physcial closeness was one way I felt I was being myself with my previous therapist - otherwise I just sat in my chair putting on my usual front. It helped me to break physcial boundaries..but I accept every case is different.

[NickyP]

maybe i'll grab mine's hand on thursday when she stretches over...

[19ellie]

It is a grey area, but mine hugs me at the end of every session now. She didn't used to. Guess its building up the relationship on both sides.

I once asked my (male) GP for a hug - said to him, I know you're not supposed to, but can I just have a hug? He gave me one. I just needed that - some human physical contact, but again I've know him a long time - about 5 years, and he sees me about once every 6 weeks roughly!

I find it therapeutic. I didn't get many as a kid, and wasn't allowed to show my emotions. Also, I feel that she's somehow giving me strength til the next time we meet - like a you can do it kid. But I also think its a fine line.

Funny I've never thought about it til this thread.

[Barebones]

do you know how hard it is to get away from taht contact? therapist is there to help with issues not make more. what you doing to feel like when the sessions stop? and you dont have that anymore. thats not working on your issues of life and abonment feelings. as nicky said they oculd lose there job doing this coming to close to a client. there is boundries there for reason. what we have gone through our past shouldnt be brought into now just becasue we want it we have to address out problems and issues with the therapist.

my therapist last time i saw him and it was my last appointment is that he had soft spot for me, as i felt it hard to talk and do art which i was supposed to do. he said he would never abonden me but it was out of his control in why i couldnt see him again. if i did the same as you god how hard that would be, he is there to help you through things or she what ever sex.

sry im not being nice. but i do understand why most dont do this as it confuses things alot more with client and therapist and causes more issues in long run.

[Marchmadness]

Hey -

I know with my therapists over the years, I have only had one other therapist

who hugged me. I look at my present therapist in the mother role, and it can

be a real comfort to get a hug every once in a while. Trust me I am not the

touchy feely type, but every now and then she can see it in me. It helps.....

it really does.

March

[Stezzy]

Sorry I guess this subject is kinda emotive!

I don't believe that hugging a therapist is dodging issues or that it's going to make anyone more dependent on the therapist, obviously as long as it's not taken to extremes (eg hugging for the whole session). I really think there can be a time and a place for a hug in therapy...as March says, it helps. It's an intense relationship and to me it seems hard to imagine experiencing so much emotion in front of a supposedly caring person without so much as a touch of a hand. Ok it's a professional relationship and there has to be important boundaries but at the same time we're only human. I guess it's a grey area which is going to mean totally different to each person.

[Marchmadness]

stezzy -

It is one of the most intimate and intense relationships that any of us will

be in. Key word relationship!

March

[Barebones]

sry, im bpd so im coming off from black and white thinking but putting in a grey area which im trying to work on. it could confuse matters to a bpd person if this happend not just abuse clients. this could offer many issues if it happend. so agian im sry im just coming from a bpd view and looking at the grey are which we have probs with.

sry for spoiling your post, i didnt mean it im just being vocal today and seem to be upsetting people. dont take any notice of me.

[hmmm]

I'm with BBs on this one. I was once hugged by a therapist regularly, and it led to a completely inappropriate relationship. Not sex or anything, but I became obsessed. It made me much worse.

[beamfrostold]

I dont really think its the part of a therapist to hug. Family, friends etc but not therapist.

[rebeccaborderline]

Sorry I guess this subject is kinda emotive!

I don't believe that hugging a therapist is dodging issues or that it's going to make anyone more dependent on the therapist, obviously as long as it's not taken to extremes

Im pretty sure it would make me more dependant on my T, and thats a problem for me anyway. OK he's male, Im female; similar in age to me and Im half in love with him (whilst realising that theres no basis for it). I also have a S Abuse history. Whilst half of me screams out for him to put his arms round me I feel it would be so inappropriate it would completely change the relationship. Im BPD for gods sake! Much as I would try to look at it logically I just know I would be wondering if he meant something more by it, if he was giving me a signal he wanted a relationship. It would unleash a jumble of emotions that I wouldnt know how to handle but he would not then be the one I should work through them with.

So for me, a complete no-no

rebeccaborderline

[Stezzy]

Ok that makes a lot of sense. I guess i'm also looking at this just from my point of view. I know there are some really tricky issues that would make it impossible to hug a therapist. I agree that a male therapist hugging a female client would open a can of worms and wouldn't be the wisest move, but I still stand by my own feelings on certain situations making a hug helpful. My previous therapist used to hug me and I needed that as I'd never had affection, but although I felt very strongly about her (in a motherly sort of way) I'm now seeing someone else and I don't feel dependent on the previous one although I miss her, but would've missed her anyway.

The main point for me is that it helped me heal emotionally. I had my son towards the end of that therapy and I was able to transfer the affection I'd got from my therapist towards my son, and I know for a fact I would've struggled to give my son love and affection without it. The hugging from my therapist met a need in me and made me able to give emotionally, because I had recieved it.

I guess that becoming obsessed with hugging this latest therapist is probably a bad idea, so I'll leave it for now and concentrate on emotional healing but if it seems right to ask for a hug later on I will try to have the courage to approach it. I know you guys have some very valid points - I do agree that in some cases hugging is a blatant no-no, but i don't agree that it is always wrong.

[Barebones]

why do you feel that you need you need a hug?

she is a professional and is there to help you overcome your difficulties. would you expect a hug from other professionals? just because you need it?

im glad you transferd what you got to your son, but really talking would of done the same as you would of worked through your problems, if you didnt get those hugs it wouldnt of meant that you wouldnt of had succesful time with your son.

i never got hugs from my mother,but do i wish a stranger to give me a hug, no. it couldnt make up for what i lost in anyway. talking things through would and understand why i need things or dont need things would come clearer.

anyway im not thinking straight so im sry if im being harsh on you. i dont mean it. i do try my best to understand things when i can.

[Stezzy]

BB we go north and south with this issue, which is cool, but I won't think we're going to meet on this one!

When I wanted a hug in therapy I'd already been seeing the therapist for 3 years or so, so it was something that built up with trust as my real self started to come out. I have always wanted hugs with people who show me caring/affection (which isn't many)...it's just the way I am. I know some people go the other end of the spectrum and don't want or feel the need for physcial contact with anyone, and that's just a different way of being.

Some therapists think that talking through the issues that surround the need for a hug is enough, but i don't believe that would have been for me. I needed the positive experience of a hug rather than simply talking and analysing my need for it to death. My therapist saw the need in me and it was something that she was able to give me, and no I don't think simply talking about it would've enabled me to transfer physcial affection to my son. Hugs are basically a transfer of energy as I see it. But it's such a difficult area. I think if the therapist is happy with it and the client wants it and there's no risk of anything being misread, then it can a very positive thing. I don't think this issue is a "one size fits all" as everyone is different, including therapists. Put it this way it didn't do me any harm, quite the opposite!

But I do understand where you're coming from and if physcial contact seems wrong or going to stir up more issues, than it clearly isn't the right way forward for you.

[bibiddi]

My personal views on a therapist hugging, is that unless, it has been discussed in detail, and that it is part of the actual therapy treatment, I cannot see any good for it.

A therapist is a person of authority, if they offer a hug, it may be very difficult for us to challenge it, and decline. For many of us, we are used to figures of authority making unreasonable physical demands, and not being able to say no.

Thinking about it, I wonder if the hug is more for their benefit, probably not in a dodgy way, but so that they feel they have comforted you.

But a therapist isnt there to comfort you.

[Stezzy]

Thinking about it, I wonder if the hug is more for their benefit, probably not in a dodgy way, but so that they feel they have comforted you.

But a therapist isnt there to comfort you.

I have to disagree with the last two statements...yes some therapists might well be dodgy and after their own needs but plenty more aren't. The hugs I got were way into my therapy and only when i wanted them..there was never any question of her needs.

And if a therapist isnt there to comfort you, then what? Emotions get released during therapy, awful stuff...if they don't comfort then what are they there for? Yes they help us sort through our problems, but comfort is a big part of that surely?

Anyway I think I'll leave this topic now, as I've said what I feel about it and I think its just causing problems.

[bibiddi]

I actually think its an interesting subject.

I think one of the concerns is to do with the fact that one of the things we have to learn is how to self-sooth,how to comfort ourselves when in times of distress.A therapist who hugs at the end of a session, is comforting us when we are upset or distressed.That takes away our need to learn to self sooth.So we never learn it, and always rely on others to comfort us.

Self soothing, and comforting ourselves, is a hugely difficult thing to learn.

[Stezzy]

Sorry I guess I'm feeling a bit over sensitive.

What you said then is interesting because although I agree with you that we do have to learn to self sooth, the point for me is that a lot of people who go to therapy have never been able to do that because they didn't get their needs met. Therefore the therapist providing a hug is reaching the part of the client who is needy and deprived, and meeting that need because it;s what the client never had. Then eventually the client will learn to take that comfort within him or herself, which is just what should've happened in normal family life if there had not been abuse etc.

I guess the issue is whether the client can get their needs met from simply talking through the issues, and also whether it's the therapist's place to provide that alternative healing. I would say in some cases yes it is, but it depends on the therapist and therapy and the client and a whole host of other issues. Getting hugs did meet my need for affection, but because I never learnt to be emotionally close to my therapist, I guess the need for a hug with the current one is still there because I'm still unable to self sooth. If I was able to be emotionally close would I still need a hug? I'm not sure but I think I would. I don't think I could really let go of my emotions without feeling physically close to the therapist in some way, even just a touch of a hand etc. But maybe that is just me.

Anyway it'll be interesting for me at least to see what happens in this current therapy.

[Marchmadness]

Wow this topic has really taken off -

Some really strong opinions here about hug vs non-hug. It all comes down to what

you and the Therapist have discussed. It is as individual as each therapist/client is.

There is no right or wrong answer here. If you are uncomfortable with a hug from the

therapist, then talk about it, if you feel that you need one because you have a close

relationship and therapy can be draining at times, well then talk about that too. The

point of therapy is to bring issues like this up. Discuss it, and see where it leads to,

find out within yourself why you do or do not want the physical contact.

March

PS - BB yeah I have had my cardiologist hug me as well as my oncologist. Some

docs reach out to their patience, it depends on the relationship that is there.