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Hugging In Therapy


Stezzy

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My ex social worker/CPN type person (haven't the foggiest who she was) hugged me. She was a complete hippy and used to bounce around the room flailing her arms wildly while explaining stuff and hug me at the end of each session. Freaked me out a bit.

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My therapist over gives me hugs, rubs me on the back, pats my knee (all in a reassuring way, not a sexual way whatsoever). You know what? After all I've been through, I do find his hugs and displays of conern comforting. I know many I have told of this behaviour have deemed it totally inappropriate but he has never once pushed his boundaries in the 3 years I have been consulting with him.

Unfortunately now I have to say farewell to him and find a new therapist, I just hope I can build up a friendly rapport with the new one and if I prove them trustworthy, a hug definitely wouldn't go astray!

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Wow this topic has really taken off -

Some really strong opinions here about hug vs non-hug. It all comes down to what

you and the Therapist have discussed. It is as individual as each therapist/client is.

There is no right or wrong answer here. If you are uncomfortable with a hug from the

therapist, then talk about it, if you feel that you need one because you have a close

relationship and therapy can be draining at times, well then talk about that too. The

point of therapy is to bring issues like this up. Discuss it, and see where it leads to,

find out within yourself why you do or do not want the physical contact.

March

PS - BB yeah I have had my cardiologist hug me as well as my oncologist. Some

docs reach out to their patience, it depends on the relationship that is there.

Wise words March, I totally agree.

I think sometimes it's easy to forget that we're only human with human emotions? I had a teacher who I was very close to and she gave me a hug occasionally. Maybe some people would see it as inappropriate, but I don't. I see it as being human.

YES there has to be important boundaries in place to protect vulnerable people in professional relationships, I'd never deny that. But that doesn't mean that all physcical contact and closeness is wrong if both parties see the need for it. Sometimes I think it's easy to cut off our nose to spite our face.

I know I have strong feelings about this and I don't want to upset anyone. It's a sensitive issue and these are just my feelings. Like March said there is no right or wrong with this as everyone is different. It depends on the people and circumstances involved. It's been great reading other peoples thoughts on this though as it's given me a few different perspectives to think about. Like maybe I am too needy and should discuss this with my therapist before I ask for a hug? Don't know, but it's given me pause for thought.

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Well it looks like you were right and I was wrong.

I finally plucked up the courage to ask for a hug today - overcoming my extreme fear of rejection - and guess what - she said no. She said that's what she does with family and friends, and not in therapy.

I wont write anymore here as it's the recovery section and I dont want to depress anyone with how I feel right now, but just to say you were right guys. I shouldnt have bothered. I've just ended up making a complete pratt out of myself.

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the point for me is that a lot of people who go to therapy have never been able to do that because they didn't get their needs met. Therefore the therapist providing a hug is reaching the part of the client who is needy and deprived, and meeting that need because it;s what the client never had. Then eventually the client will learn to take that comfort within him or herself, which is just what should've happened in normal family life if there had not been abuse etc.

That said it for me.

Stezzy sorry that snt on offer for you at the moment but as youold t made you feel loved can you hold that in your head feel foundness for that time you had and work with the new T

I never had contact with the T's id had one was 18mths NHs then i went private seen this one for 2 years but recently i had group therpay with a t who did believe in apporate touch which was up to each individual I moade so much progress in that 6mths than i had in the 4years of my other therpay

I find it hard to know what to say but Stezzy i know how hard this must be for you

take care

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I know I expressed the view against hugging from a therapist.But it doesnt mean I dont want one, or feel the need to have a hug from my therapist.

So my heart goes out to you Stezzy.

However, you did it right.You asked for a hug.

She hasnt rejected you, she has just set her boundaries, and explained them to you.

Thats a good thing for both of you. From her behaviour you can learn to set your own boundaries, when others ask you to do something you dont want to do.

Also, I think its great therapy work for you.

To talk about what a hug from a therapist means to you.

And no, you havent made a pratt of yourself.You are doing great.

I know it hurts though, but its progress.

Take care.

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Well it looks like you were right and I was wrong.

I finally plucked up the courage to ask for a hug today - overcoming my extreme fear of rejection - and guess what - she said no. She said that's what she does with family and friends, and not in therapy.

I wont write anymore here as it's the recovery section and I dont want to depress anyone with how I feel right now, but just to say you were right guys. I shouldnt have bothered. I've just ended up making a complete pratt out of myself.

I'm new on here. I've been in the psychiatry "world" for about 2 years but today, my new psychiatrist gave me a diagnosis of BPD. So I'm kind of reeling from that new diagnosis...

But, reading this thread and then your sad outcome after asking for a hug, I just wanted to say that I really feel for you, Stezzy. I like a hug from my wonderful (female) therapist every now and again too. But, more poignantly, I can really feel empathy for that bottomless-pit kind of worthlessness and humiliation that you are probably experiencing. I know, at least, that I would feel like this in response to being actively denied a hug.

But my god HOW brave were you for taking that risk and asking her.... It bowls me over. Please take time to dwell on your courage here because you're very deserving!! And I hope that she let you down softly with her words and tone of voice when she answered you no. I really hope she knew to treat you with extreme care and love over this issue, despite her negative answer...

And the other posters on here are right to say that this delicate situation can be put to very good therapeutic use for you, if you discuss it candidly and tell her honestly how (perhaps) hurt you felt when she declined the hug last session. That could be very liberating for you both in your relationship, and she will admire your ability to completely let go of inhibition and tell her just how bad you had felt.

Anyway, my heart goes out to you - what an unfortunately devastating thing to happen. "Stay with it" though, as my therapist always says to me, and work your way through the shame and doubt.

Sorrel xx

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I'm sorry Stezzy. Therapist/client relationships are really difficult for me. I know what it is like to be shot down like that, when all be damned if all you wanted was a hug and some reassurance. Try to realize that in the long run, it is just sort of better for her not to have any physical contact like that from you. It doesn't mean that she is a bad person, but just that she wants to keep boundaries firm.

Just a thought, I know it sounds silly as can be, but it works for me...have you tried giving yourself a big ol' hug?? Works for me. I always roll my eyes until I finally give myself a hug and feel so much better.

Take care, this isn't the end of the world & it will look up soon. I do hear you though & I know how hard it can be.

Just wish it was easier to think in grey all the time instead of having it be such a struggle. Thearpist/client relationship has ALWAYS been black and white thing with me which I never have completely understood ever.

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yes it is a really emotive topic and im sorry your therapist said no, but maybe its for the best.. i have 2 experiences to share.

. 1st was with a therapist who flirted with me, hugged me, kissed me on the lips, totally fucked my head up, said he wanted to f***k me, said he mnight marry me if i was lucky.. i was attracted to him and so lonley but i knew it wasd wrong and kept trying to leave.. he said he wasnt doing anything wrong. i reported him, took him to court and lost as they played some dirty tricks in court like getting court orders for my mother to give evidence against me, and got my psyc history read out in court. i lost as there were no other witnesses( he got agressive with me and pinned me down in the seat,) even though i met someone else who had been abused by him (a male) but he was too scared to give evidence.

it caused me a major breakdown..

my 2nd experience is with my fab psyc nurse who i have been seing for 3 years.. she is like a mother figure to me, and she occasionally gives me a hug and it feels safe and not innapropriate but i never inniciate it and dont rely on it . she has also cried recently at stuff i have been through which makes her more human to me.

hugs, bluebell x

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Wow, I've read through this topic with great interest. I am sorry the OP didn't get their hug but maybe it was for the best.

Recently I've been to see my GP several times because of feeling so awful and he was fantastic, told me loads of positive things about myself and basically encouraged me when I was feeling like absolute crap. The point is at the end I really really wanted to give him a hug because I was so grateful but it wouldn't have been appropriate.

I am very lucky in that my husband gives me all the hugs I could ever need. I was never hugged appropriately as a chilld so sometimes I come across as a bit too needy and the last thing I would want to do is to frighten away my GP.

I have never been hugged by any psych staff either on the ward or in the community but my therapist I had in an eating disorder clinic used to always hug us girls in a very strange way with his arms around you but with his backside stuck out in the air so there was never any questionable contact LOL

I would never think to 'hug myself', interesting, definately worth a try anyway. Sorry for rambling on, it is just very fascinating, we all need someone to touch and be touched by or else life seems sterile.

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Stezzy -

Sorry your outcome what was not what you wanted, but once again I must

say there are no rights or wrongs here. Don't beat yourself up over this.

Marchmadness

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  • 2 weeks later...

I just wanted to say that I did go back to see the T, and all went well. She said she was really pleased I'd gone back as she wasn't sure I would. We talked about the hug and she said she recognised how much I needed it, but she said she saw us as equals and as we hadn't been seen each other long she didn't feel comfortable with it, and wanted to be honest with me. I said to her that despite the lack of hug I did like her and felt I could work with her, so that went down well with her. I feel a bit more positive about it now. I still really miss the lack of physcial contact, but it might help me deal with my emotions better instead of focussing on the physcial contact and on trying to meet my needs that way.

Like March I don't think there is any right or wrong, only individual circumstances. I would still be all for hugs in therapy but if I can't get them then I can work around it as long as it's with the right T.

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hey good for you Stezzy, you've negotiated that pretty tricky patch well there. Im glad you still feel you can work with her, it must feel good that you can both be so honest with each other.

Take care

rebeccaborderline

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