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Totally F*cked Up For No Reason At All


walker

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sitting here

realising how I have ruined everything

how i have been living under the guise of 'illness' for months now - and no one has kicked me hard enough to set me straight

I am not ill

I want to be ill

You are ill

You DONT want to be ill

you spend your energy struggling with each day - trying to find good in your lives

I spend my energy forcing myself to do nothing, holding myself back, hiding and avoiding my life

I am on the point of giving up

of putting my smile back on

of saying sorry to the world for being such a manipulative liar

I am hiding from life - because it didnt feel like mine - but there seems to be no other - or not one I have the strength or energy to find

I am so tired of the mess - the mess that I have created - that is caused by me - that I feel imprisoned by

This is all just a lie - a bloody great big lie - filling my ears, my eyes and my head

Crashing around inside me - wrapped in layer upon layer of guilt and shame

Beating my consciousness over and over again

NO ONE else would behave as YOU do, selfish, manipulative, scheming woman set to destroy everything that was good

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When you're NOT in this particluar frame of mind - which does sound very much like the punitive parent - how long do the slightly more self-forgiving feelings last?

It seems like this one - the self-blaming, self-hating mode - is kind of your default, but how long do the modes that at least let you feel for a BIT that you really are ill, stay in touch with you?

It may be hard to judge right now because the power of the mode will make you feel that this is all there ever has been - but I have seen your other modes and I know they exist. It will be a long hard fight to let those other modes come through more - your punitive parent mode is extremely powerful, and right now I think you are in the grip of it. Punitive Parent mode will feel "true" to you - perhaps even safe, and so the thought that you really arent ill will feel almost relieving to you because you are giving in to an inner message of fear - much like being a good girl so that daddy doesnt get angry.

But just because it feels right and safe doesnt make it true.

I really wish you could get some proper BPD schema but I appreciate that its unlikely what with the train phobia and money and all :(

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please dont hate me for this

though i wouldnt blame you if you did cos i am such a crap person

and i am lying here getting pissed and i dont even drink

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I dont hate you for it, its what you need to do right now. There are other ways that you could self soothe but right now these dont seem available to you.

Just remember that the mode doesnt last, it isnt right, and that you will experiecne more changes.

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no its all crap

ray has gone away and i am getting slowly pissed

which i never do - have never done in my whole damn life

but i dont give a shit anymoe cos i have caused allt his

spoke to my aprents eatrliet and the y were so ind and reasonable and even laughed when i said avbout invalidasting parents at school and dad said wht a us and mum said no we did tht YEARS AGO

and we laughed and they said thy lov me and think about me and understand that i want to be alone or they would have come down

and i feel like shit

utter shit

com[lete shit

it is all my fault cos i walked out of wor and made it bad

why doesnt anyone understand

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Hum, are you trying to say you dont think you are ill? That you just play up that you are? If so, I can sort of understand how you feel.... When I get really bad, I tend to think im not that bad just making out I am... Even though im not in control of the way I am acting. Its weird x

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it stinks bscause i cant see beyonfd it

it is me and my fault and nothing eles

i am not ill or they wouled lood k after me

but they dont so i must be bad

but i have had enough of htis

i hurt and they just want me go tog o

but i dont wnat to be bad

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i make it bad

cant anyone see

why cant they see

i have shut out a life of gooed things becaues i am bad

why wont anyone see my family see, they no that i shouldd be working and living ont sat on my aarese wasting my life asaway

i just want ot go away from here but no onr will let me

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Just because you dont have a job or what ever doesnt make you bad.... it means your stuck in a bad place. Its such a vicious circle. You get used to doing nothing, sitting around in front of the t.v or computer, and you dont want to do anything else. I have been there. It DOESNT make you bad. You will get past this. I did, and I was adiment that I would never get out of it.

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i havce a job but i waleked out

i dont want oto do anything again ever

just want it to go away aned leave me alone

want thm all to leave me lone

god this wine seitill tastes folul

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You obviously wasnt in the right place to be working then, you need to get yourself fixed before trying to work again. Who do you want to leave you alone? Do you see anyone to speak about all this hun?

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sorry gettin g raher pised here

i want myf amily to leave mte alone, i love them losads and loaeds but i jsut want a breaik break

want ot get away from wwrything everything

sorry

in a mess

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Walker, your first post huni, i feel like that all the time, your not alone, and you certainly shouldnt be apologising for the way you feel.

Wish I knew what to say to make you realise that you are a good person.

You know where i am if you wonna chat hun

Rach x x

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Maybe just try telling them you want space for a while, whilst you sort yourself out?

Is there anyone you can call? like crisis team or a helpline? Just so you can talk?

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Sorry you are hurting walker.

Is there anywhere you could go for a few days? Friends, extended family?

There is a place in London that offers short stay residential help for people who are suicidal and it doesn't cost anything. Don't know anything about it or if it would be for you, just came across it whilst googling.

Hope you feel better soon

Stay safe

CCxx

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not suciday jst hurting

wish i was tho

can tcall crisi team

they need refral rom gp or cpn or someoneee

am on my own til weds so can do wathever

bt it idiis all my falt and no one nos

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I give a shit walker, i really do, and i really think that you need to talk to somebody better equiped than me, but if you dont feel you can, then please keep telling us how you are feeling, writing it all down can help to get it out of your head, you told me that, and it worked hun, it really did,

I hope that your feeling a little better,

All my love and :hug2:

Rach xxx

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I thought that the other day when you were helping me, i though, nah they're not going to be able to help me, i'm a lost cause, why are they wasting their time on me?

But guess what? You were able to help me, and i realised that it was because you all cared.

We are all here for you.

You said this to me:

and time heals - or none of us would still be here

YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS -

write it out - get the poison out of your head

Hope your tummy feels better soon :rolleyes:

xxx

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blesyor heart

waht a dear girl you are

jstu try and get wel now cos it is a bicth when ou dont now til yuor older

i feel absollut shit

noew i now whoy i dont drink

and stil there are no ssanswers

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Drink lots of water, always a great place to start! Will help your tummy, milk might do the trick actually, and sometimes eating bread makes me feeel less sick.

I think you need time out, and you need to stop being so hard on yourself, i wish i could tell you why you were feeling like this, and how to make it stop but i can't, but im not going to give up on you, so you better bloody not either, i will be here all night if thats what it takes.

I still wish i was hiding in your garage :lol: , then i could come and give you a big cuddle,

Stay strong, you wont feel like this forever!

Love and hugs, Rachie xxx

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