Ode To The Pillocks Of Psychiatry

[sundries]

aww no comment on my sweet poem to you u should be touched

i concede u are going to be stiff sompetition for poet laureate but i have time!!

[Fairy]

Sundries I do thank you

For your words so sweet

You too are so speshul

You keep me so upbeat

I will win the prize

For rhyming all the while

Poetry and odes

Off topic Jeremy Kyle!

[icu_baby]

OMG YOU GUYS ARE SOOOOOOO FUNNY LMAO

[icu_baby]

You said I am not safe alone

You diagnosed me on the phone

You tried prescribing tea and bath

You know that really is a laugh

LOL, you think prescribing tea and bath is a laugh

In Australia they tell you to squeeze ice cubes....it makes me want to cry

[sundries]

FAiry my darling I modified your poem (cos of the swearing) and sent it to my compalints manager along with my poem. I also decided to call yours pillocks of society adn i felt it fitted yours better than mine i just called mine crisis team

so here is your modified poem

Pillocks of Psychiatry

We are hopeless!

Can't you see

We have no skills

in psychiatry?

We are lazy,

We haven't a clue.

We're at a loss

Regarding you!

All the patients

Sent our way,

Just as fast,

we send away.

We have issues -

power trips

We want tea,

And more biscuits.

We took this role

to be the boss

And no

We do not give a toss!

[Jelly-bean]

So you're having problems?

Well now we're here

to fix you're life up

(ignore our sneer)

It's not that we're better

or more equipped

It's just that we're paid

to do jack shit

It isn't easy

to do what we do

Our arses get sore

from the fence sitting we do

The nodding gets tiresome

our necks become sore

Pretending to do things

and get you out the door

We said we could help you

but its all a charade

to bump up our paychecks

oh we've got it made

but you don't feel any better?

oh no what a shame

here is the exit

lest you tarnish our name

we worked 'hard' for our bonus

and can't have it ruined

our failure may be spotted

and our ability questioned

we'll say our goodbyes now

we know you'll be back

but we'll blame your 'condition'

and forget that we're crap

wow i love it rael lol

[Jelly-bean]

Ode to the Pillocks of Psychiatry

I went to the crisis team and said.

‘ Im suicidal. I need a hospital bed’

The crisis team said to me,

‘try a warm bath and a hot cup of tea’

I tried again. I said to them,

‘I don’t need hot tea or a chat with a friend’

They looked annoyed and said to me,

‘that is your responsbility’

I said to them ‘I feel at a loss,

I really can’t cope. Please don’t be cross’

They rolled thier eyes and said (with a bored sigh)

‘Its up to you. You have to try’

I said to them, now I was crying.

‘I try so hard I really am trying,

But sometimes I need a hand

Please, won’t you understand?’

I spoke through the tears, spoke of my fears

‘ Im scared Im going to die’

Ive tried and Ive tried. Ive tried for years

Please help me. Dont let me die.

‘Its not our problem’ they said to me

‘You have a borderline personality’

And nothing we do will help you cope,

For people like you, there is no hope.’

'THat may be true' I said as I walked to the door

I cannot cope, there may be no hope

But one things for sure, I guess I knew it before

The crisis team is an utter joke

good one sun lol

[Fairy]

Let us know of any response! What a lovely gift for them on a Monday morning!

Fairy xxx

[saphyreraine]

Very well written...and so true.

I don't think I have met anyone who has been under the care of the crisis team who hasn't had a hot bath or cup of tea suggested to them.

[CrippleAndStarfish]

Oh, you guys are making my sides split with laughter.

The above posts - pure talent. Geniuses (haha, can't spell that word) , the lot of ya.

And you speak the truth, my dears!

Hope you let us know if you get a reply.

Hopefully one that doesn't consist of 'have you tried having a nice relaxing bath and a cuppa?'

That would be so bloody typical.

Hope they listen!!

Changes within their 'service' are long, long past due.

Tis indeed infuriating. I feel your pain!!

Crip xxx

[sundries]

With regard to your poem please could I ask you sincerely if you would like me to pass them on to the Crisis Team/Mental Health Services in ....?

(sent to me by complaints manager)

my reply

Dear Mr. S,

Yes I would like you to pass these on and I would particularly like feedback on the poem written specifically to the crisis team but can you forward them as rhyming verse as Ive decided they arent really poems.

Thankyou.

[yorkiegal73]

They must love you over there Sun!

[sundries]

of course they do yorkie. everybody loves me.

I am going to send him the courses for the crisis team as well, as i doont think i ever heard from him on those.

[Fairy]

Shall we write some more? It is just so funny!

Our collective genius could create another post for your complaints department! Advertisment would read -

Poet needed for complaints department for local Mental Healthcare Trust.

Please apply in rhyme.

:lol:

[sundries]

I have also sent him the following

Dear Mr. S,

I did send these to the PALS address you gave me but I never received a reply. I would be grateful if you could pass them on with the poems. Please could you tell the staff that, if in the event they are insightful enough to run them, the workshop on not shining your torch in a sleeping patients face should include the suggestion that, if you really have to, all hospital torches are covered with a blue (or at least yellow) filter as there really is no need whatsoever to use a 100watt bright white light.

All the Best

Courses for the crisis team

Nurses who are Scared of the Dark: A possible answer to the question ‘Why wont the Crisis Team home visit at night?.’

(followed by)

· Debunking Myths about Mental illness: Service users are not werewolves

‘ Tea’: Examining its limitations in crisis resolution'

(followed by)

'beyond warm baths: alternative strategies for managing patients in crisis?'

Improving Risk Assessment

TBC - Strange but true: Specialist Crisis team nurses wont come to your house at night, but will send an untrained taxi driver, all on his own....and other bizarre facts about 21st Century Mental Health Services.

Courses for Inpatient Staff

'Diagnosis: What psychiatrists do ...and nurses shouldnt'

How to talk to someone who isnt a nurse

The 10 Rules of Deaf Awareness for Mental Health Nurses: Rule 1 Most patients are not deaf and can hear what you say about them..........come along to find out more.

LOSE 7Ibs in ONE WEEK: Leave the Quality Street in the Office and go talk to the patients.

'Eye Contact: feel the fear and do it anyway - an introduction to advanced communication skills for nursing assistants '

'TACT: 'Don’t boast about your 'romantic night out' to sectioned patients'...and other easy to follow tips. (afterall they dont get conjugal visits)

How to sabotage inpatient obesity prevention programmes: prescribing olanzapine and other evidenced based methods.

Nutrition: Preventing obesity by stealing the patients biscuits

Promoting sleep hygiene: a practical skills workshop where you learn how NOT to shine your torch in a sleeping patients face

How to improve hygiene standards on the ward: Clean!'

A guide to shift work: How to schedule the med round so you don't miss the X factor.

A guide to shift work advanced: How to help patients entertain themselves whilst you read ‘Pick Me Up’.

Training new staff: the students aren't there to do all the work whilst you look through your holiday brochure.

(This final course includes a brief discussion about why it isnt your fault that as a qualified nurse you really need to attend ALL these new courses.)

Whats the difference between a moron and a competent psychiatric nurse? ones a moron the other is an oxymoron

Whats the difference between a black hole and nhs mental health care? Scientists say black holes exist

[Fairy]

I wonder if they will laugh, I would. Oh to be a fly on the wall!

Fairy xxx

[sundries]

ha ha latest diplomatic response from complaints manager

With regard to your rhyming verse and other information regarding the Crisis Team (previously forwarded to PALS), I can confirm that I have forwarded to PALS and they will respond to your requests for feedback rather than myself.

[Fairy]

That is funny! :lol:

[sundries]

Darling I wrote you a nice little ditty

But Mods deleted it - mores the pity

they said personal messages on the board are wrong (im sure they are right - the mods i mean)

even if i do... write them in song

they asked i refrain -

its such a pain

All I wanted

was you

back in chat

once again

[DaddyJay]

I like the poem sun

To be fair though the forums are for discussions, if you'd wanted Fairy back in chat a simple PM would have been more appropriate.

:)

[sundries]

hee hee

please can i clarify. my verse above is not about our sweet fairy dove. its just an abstract reflection on love (and its obstacles)

[Fairy]

Hey Jay,

We were discussing me coming back in to chat!

Fairy xxx

P.S. I promise this is my only smart arse response, I give you such a hard time! :lol:

[rebeccaborderline]

you buggers, youve made me giggle when I thought i couldnt!

I now have strong urge to print all this out, drive 12 miles to Looney Bin and post up on notice board (I would put it in the smoking room, but now defunct-"elf 'n' safety")

and email it to all MH workers-except of course, their email addresses are private, in case they get harrassed-or contacted by clients, perchance

reb

[sundries]

which do you prefer?

They rapped thier fingers and pointedly said,

'If you really meant it, you'd already be dead'

I flinched away from their unhidden fury,

And said 'I don't need a judge and a jury

Clearly for you I'm an unwanted chore.

I often don't cope and I've said it before,

There may be no hope but one things for sure

your Crisis team is an utter joke,

need I say more?

OR

They rapped thier fingers and pointedly said,

'If you really meant it, you'd already be dead'

I flinched away from their unhidden fury,

And said 'I don't need a judge and a jury

Clearly for you I'm an unwanted chore.

I often dont cope and there may be no hope

but one things for sure, need I say more

your Crisis team is an utter joke,

ps pals contacted me about it to check i really wanted them passed on to crisis team and i could hear the woman trying to stifle laughter

[Rael]

first version i absolutely love sun, unfortunately i could relate to it all too much.

xxx