Is This Ocd Or Trichotillomania?

[catspiracy]

Welcome, suzi! It's a strange journey, feeling like our own body tissue is a foreign object. I'm anxious for the reasons to reveal themselves to me! Thanks for the well-done, it really feels good to have a place to discuss this with others who are going thru the same sort of thing, because it is an extremely alienating/isolating syndrome, thats for sure! I feel like i can't even mention it but that the signs are all over my face and others can read my mind and find out how pathetic I truly am.

Friends came over last night and brought me a bottle of vods. So I drank a bit last night but this morning I've been sneaking more. I seriously believe the alcohol has a LOT to do with my problem. I have a real hard time saying no. And the alcohol is like a portal for my dad's malignant ghost to enter my body and start telling me I'm nobody and nothing again. Then the self destruction starts in earnest, when my inhibitions are down.

[saskia]

Cat, you're not at all pathetic! Could you tell your friends you've stopped drinking? Would they be supportive?

Suzi - welcome to the discussion! From what I've read about trich a lot of people go for the eyebrow and eyelash hair. I started with my eyebrows when I was a teenager too but I got fed up with people staring at my sore and scabby skin that I started pulling from places that I can cover up.

As for me, I've almost reached the 48-hour mark...

xxx

[catspiracy]

Way to go, saskia keep your head up! you have to reward yourself for every bit of progress.

I want to tell my friends, but I'm afraid that I will become oppositional if I tell anyone. I will rebel against my self and drink in secret even worse than ever. Maybe it's time for AA......I think I could do that. But I don't want to stop smoking herb, it's better for me than any med I've ever been put on.....don't feel like people giving me a hard time for it, and assume AA would.

9 days pick-free.....

[sylv666]

god i've just realised I do this too!! I pull out pube hairs and pick spots OBSESIVELY I dont mean to do it... I think I'll just squeeze this blackhead and before I know my face is covered. Im almost thirty and have quite bad acne all round my mouth and all I do is pick at it all day. I just cant resist it and it drives me mad.

Well done on managing to stop for days on end people... I wish i could

[catspiracy]

welcome, sylv!

I know how you feel.

Does anyone have any tips? I'm in a positive mood...

1. put bandaids on the pickable areas. I've put them on my fingertips to stop, too.

2. put ointment on the pickable areas cos the sticky touch is a reminder to stop

3. cut fingernails short

4. do a hobby that requires hands

I know that when we're gonna pick, we're gonna pick and no bandaids will stop us....but on the inbetween days, these help me. That is, unless I mess up and drink : (

I told my husband to help me stop drinking. hopefully that will help.

11 days pick-free. Yay!

[Jeneliza]

I am so glad I found this post! I started pulling hairs and playing with the root around the age of 17. I would describe the sensation as almost orgasmic ... just pulling so slowly until I finally felt the pop. Like someone said above, there was no satisfaction in it coming out easily. I ended up with bald spots. Somehow I was able to force myself to stop but I moved on to face picking. Now 16 years later I still do it. My skin isn;' bad, but I'll sit and find ANY little bump or uneven spot until I'm bruised. The skin then flakes off and pick at that. I get SO much pleasure out of something actually being there. I do this to my scalp too and have had to fix my hair after a car ride because I am all over my scalp when bored and driving.

Congrats to those that are stopping, it really made me think about it and now I'm going to try my best to not pick nomatter what. I just need to keep my hand off and avoid that stupid 20x mag mirror!

I'm sorry everyone here is suffering from this too, but I'm also glad I'm not alone.

[saskia]

Hi, I know what you mean about it feeling orgasmic! Sometimes when I'm about to pluck I try to imagine that my life depends on not plucking and if I do it then I, or someone I love will die, but I still can't resist it.

As for tips to stop... I find that keeping covered helps - I mean, if I can see or feel the raw skin with the hair starting to come through, I just can't resist and go mad with the tweezers. Layers of clothes provides some kind of barrier.

I used to snap my tweezers in half when I got really fed up with it but I'd reach a point where I'd find anything to get the hair out and make even more of a mess of my skin.

I started doing this while I was recovering from a severe bout of anorexia as a teenager. I think I just transfered the self-destructive behavior from one, more visible form, to another, more secret one.

[*elizabeth*]

i have suffered from Trichotillomania for just two months now, it started like you have siad, "no1 will notice as i have thick hair" now the underneath of my hair is practically gone, i have two lard bold pathches on the front of my head and another coming in the middle. i was told however that this is not related to ocd in any way, and in fact is a way of letting nevrous tension or stress out. however i have since been told i am suffering from ocd due to having the earge to wash my hands every 17 mins. the hardest thing was telling some1, i told everyone it was stress related and it was just falling out. i now have an appointment to see some1 in two weeks because it is getting so bad i am getting agrophobia trates, and i may need a wig. tell someone now and get help. it is the best thing you can do for yourself.

hugs to you xxxxxx

[catspiracy]

Ugh, I was at 20 days of no picking but did it again last night. Just the zits, manageable....but this afternoon got kinda crazy with the one on my chin, it was a really deep cyst. I haven't been drinking hardly at all, only like 2 of my hubbys homebrew beers at night watching movies with him. I kept telling myself while I was picking, I can stop doing this at any time....only I couldn't. I feel frustrated and ugly. I know what you mean, elizabeth, about agoraphobia...i don't want anyone looking at my crater face....sigh.

tomorrow's a new day......got my goopy ointment on to try to keep my hands off......once my skin's broken into, it is the hardest to leave it alone!

[*elizabeth*]

im sure ur beatiful. i always think people are lookinh, some1 siad my hair looked nice the other day and i was screaming in my head are u mad!!! u dont even know.

i know what u mean tho, i pick at my bf every chance i have, spots, lose skin everything.... i just cant help myself!!!!!! xx

[saskia]

Hey fellow trichsters!

I went on a plucking rampage this evening - got a really thick hair with the follicle still attached and I was so ecstatic for about five minutes just touching it on my fingers and feeling the pain where I had pulled it out of the skin. Thoughts of what it looked like and how it felt keep coming into my head and I know I'll still be thinking about it tomorrow. Will these compulsions ever go away? Is it possible to stop completely?

Hugs to all

xxx

[*elizabeth*]

i dont think it will, even when im not pulling my hair out, im thinking about it, how much i can pull out, where i can pull it from, the bad thing is i rip mine out, in chuncks. its getting pretty bad, but im a master of disguise hehehe, the pulled over fringe is genious...although people have noticed....but iv told them its stress!! its easier that way for me!!!

hugs xxx

[saskia]

So, it's been almost 24 hours pluck-free and I haven't really thought about it. I think that's because it's the weekend and it only hits me badly when I get home from a stressful day at work (which is most days).

It's my birthday in a few weeks and I really want my skin to heal by then and I can't face the thought of being a year older and STILL obsessing over this... so I am now going to promise you all that I HEREBY STOP THE PLUCKING!

I am going to wrap up my tweezers and put them out of reach, and set up plenty of 'distraction activities' around the flat for when I get home from work.

If I relapse please shout at me until I stop again as I respond well to matronly discipline

Hope you're all doing fine,

Lots of love,

Sas

x

[catspiracy]

You've earned your 24-hour chip, saskia! ***applause***!!!! You can do it, you have a goal for your happy birthday present to yourself! YAY!

i'm back on the daily face touching gig. I was doing better, like i said above, but once it starts it's sooo hard to stop! This horrid man pulled up in front of my house yesterday and started taking pictures of my messy front lawn and my house and told me he was reporting our house to the city, and it made me crazy-paranoid for the rest of the day and I went straight into the bathroom and picked my face for 1/2 an hour. ugh!!!! once again, i watched myself doing it and observed the reason why and a voice said, "you can stop doing this anytime. right now." but i didn't. I, too will HEREBY STOP THE PLUCKING!

one day at a time, one day at a time!!!!

[catspiracy]

I keep picking my skin and I dont think it will ever end. I am just plain too weak to stop doing it.

What I just said is only true if I make it true.

but for some reason, I just havent been able to stop yet. I picked some more today and i hate it.

[catspiracy]

Since I re-integrated with my inner child age six, I have only skin-picked once. That was shamefully painful but it was over a month ago. Today i discussed regressing to an even earlier date with my hubby. The photographer Assaf took me to age six, but my issues are deeper than that, and I am starting to wonder if I was molested pre-verbally.

I think that I need to dig deeper to pry out the self loathing, but the digging is a metaphorical one, a spiritual journey accessible only by special intuitive means. I dug literally, physically, bloodily, for enough years. I think I need to go back into the time before anyone defiled my female places, making me hate and despise myself. I think I need to go back to when I was a radiantly oblivious Naked Baby. 15 years ago, I was very impressed by my sister in law allowing her baby daughter run all over the house naked after a bath, crying out "Naked baby!!! naked baby!!!" and I realized then that I never had that freedom to be naked without incurring my father's discomfort. I NEVER had that freedom, not even as an infant, because my very existence at all teased his self esteem issues into a boiling point. My femininity discomfited him, goaded him into acting out his own miserable fetishes, even though he never touched me. The porn and the bizarre confrontations were molestation enough for both of us.

The thing is, at this particular juncture, I feel capable of going back. I feel like it is a credible endeavor. I have a grounded place to come back to, even though it's six years on from my birth, but that the ME that there is, extends limitlessly forwards and backwards. I feel a peace--a serenity!--previously unknown to me. I feel a powerful center coming alive inside me that can heal even this oldest of primordial wounds.

At Elysium, I witnessed my father transitioning. It was fathers day. And at the moment of prayer, there at the river-side (not the Rivercide), I saw him shoot into the Whitelight Doorway my integration created. Nothing is impossible. No wounds are un-healable. No hardship cannot be sublimated.

I am.

You are.

We are.

ONE.

Namaste,

cat

[bohemian]

may I join? I have been pulling since little 6yo (?) anyway as far as I remember as a child .... I am completely bald on the crown of my head and for 10years have been wearing bandanas ... people ask me do you do it when stressed? what I have noticed no not really I do it when I am alone in quiet and relax ... or in the car while driving ... I pluck my hair, pubic hair as well as hair on legs .. I pick my skin .. eat the follicles .. just the whole kaboodle ......

if I don't pluck, I drink, if I don't drink I purge, in the past I used to cut and burn myself ... luckily that passed .. well there is here and then .. but If none of it I have unbearable anger attacks .. so I pluck .. and pull and scratch my scalp so it bleeds at times

I have been diagnosed with depression, trich and BPD .... and the more I get to know about depression and BPD teh more I realize I have suffered of it whole my life ...

anyway what I wanted to share is this ..

I have discovered these by accident while browsing for educational toy for my son .... and the moment I saw it I bought it ... and I love it ... it gives teh tip of my fingers similar comfort to when I try to pull ... so sometimes I manage to replace pulling with this gorgeous little thing ....

it is called puchi puti .. you can buy them of ebay .... it definitely did not stop my trich yet ... I hope for one day ...

[Lilac]

I'm glad I found this forum and not. The more I read, the more I go 'oho, that was me too'. This is a case in point. I don't pull out my hair, never have, but I've been doing the scab picking/skin pulling thing for years. It started in my early teens. Its not so common now, but I used to attack scabs on my head. I've been told by a few hairdressers I have psoriasis on the scalp. Dunno, but sometimes a sore spot will develop a scab and then I'll start picking at it. Not long after, I find I have a few of them there. Eventually, I stop but I have no idea how or why. The area will clear up and all will be well til the next one appears. I also pick at scabs on my arms and legs. I usually get them because I have sensitive skin and often get ingrown hairs from waxing arms and shaving legs.

What I have started doing just this week is running my fingers through my hair and pulling on it. Not pulling hairs out, but taking a chunk of hair, feeling it flow through my fingers then when I get to the end, pulling the chunk. I don't hurt myself, but once I start I keep doing it over and over for 5 minutes or so. As soon as I stop I have this sensation in my hand of an urge or compulsion to do it again. Because I've only just started, I'm jumping on it now to stop. If I can prevent yet another thing from developing, I will.

[catspiracy]

Hi Bohemian and Lilac,

I guess it's weird to be glad that I'm not the only one talking in here anymore. I wouldn't wish picking on anyone! But welcome!

The pea pod toy looks good. I know that would probably help me. I used to have a stress ball and it helped when i used it. I mostly pick when i've drunk too much.

Be careful, Lilac, don't pluck and don't eat! It's sooo addictive. I have a theory. I read that babies have a lot of sebum and people are highly attracted to the pheremonal scent of sebum, so people fall in love with their babies and want to "gobble them up" ya know, with kisses. Sebum dries up after breastfeeding age, which is why children don't have acne. I think it's to keep cave people from being too sexually attracted to children. Anyhow, the sebum comes back in adolescence, when people start wanting to lick each other again, LOL!

I think Trichtillomania is some kind of sebum addiction. That's why we have to eat that follicle.

For me, it's a very oral condition. I wonder if it has anything to do with the freudian oral stage, too.......

le sigh.

love,

cat

[catspiracy]

<<<<ECHO CHAMBER>>>>>>!!!!!!

i have to talk about this shit somewhere so it may as well be in an echo chamber! may trigger

last night i picked my face again, knowing full well i'm modeling today. how stupid. this time, i realize that I keep telling myself that it's not that bad, it's just a little squeeze to pop that zit. But it never stops there. I ended up with my mirror and my super craft light and a needle, digging deeper and deeper. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!

[saskia]

I broke up with a guy (well, he broke up with me) and I've spent the past week on a plucking rampage. I have no reason to try and moderate it or hide it now so I'm just pulling away, leaving nasty red raw skin. Will this ever end?

[saskia]

Ok, today I've done slightly better. Only a bit of eyebrow plucking and resisted the urge to go for legs and pubes. 24 hours is a small but significant victory. VIVE RECOVERY! :lol:

[catspiracy]

Vive Recovery is right! congrats on your 24 hour chip, Saskia. How are you doing today?

I have come around a major turning point. I haven't picked since the last time I posted, Nov. 18th, a month and a half! You know how I talk about a voice coming to me and saying "you don't need to do this"? Last week, I leaned into the mirror for a look at those pores, heard the voice, AND LISTENED! For the first time, I didn't backtalk it and "only pick a little bit".

Now I feel comfortable going out without makeup, and I even went to a Christmas party with my hair curly instead of flat ironing it for an hour. When we came back home yesterday, I said to my hubby, "I'm so glad I don't pick anymore!" Suddenly I realized what I had said. Not "im TRYING to not pick" or "look, I havent picked in a long time", nope, this time it was a statement of fact. I DONT pick anymore.

ok, well, there is one place on my scalp that i still play with almost like a thumb sucking comfort. and i still pop my hubby's back acne. But I don't pick my face, back, or buttocks anymore!!!!!!!!! I'm FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!

love,

cat

[saskia]

Way to go Cat!!!

I haven't plucked since New Year, so a whole 2 days! I feel quite positive about it this time too.

New Year, new start.

Love + hugs,

Sas x

[postures]

That's Trich, I've had it since I was 9. It's from the OCD family of fucked-upness though, if that cheers you up somewhat :P