Jinxsta Posted January 20, 2009 Report Share Posted January 20, 2009 Ok, tomorrow is the last ever ever ever time that im going to see my "previous" care-co-ordinator (i've been pretty trashed over her departure), its our farewell day, she said we could do whatever I wanted but we can't get arrested (lol, she knows me too well), so i've planned us to go up the spinnaker tower and go rock climbing.....which will be great and i'm really excited about it...BUT I know im gonna fall apart afterwards, everyone thinks im taking it so well and doing real good....walking around laughing and joking, but im just putting what im really feeling to the back of my mind......god i was even laughing and joking with my therapist today, i bet she was thinking fucking hell whys she so happy, but ive gotta be, i can't be a crying wreck tomorrow, i wanna make good memories and i expect ill be able to hold it together for the 2hours im with her but after.....well, there wont be a need for the act anymore. I have got an appointment with the new CC at 3 tomorrow... so i suppose thats a plus, in the way that shes prob gonna see me at my worst, or will i hide it??? Big tough Billy will take over, "nothing bothers me, i dont have feelings, im happy" ...........yeah yeah whatever..........I apologize in advance for anything i say or do after tomorrows farewell.......maybe i'll be wrong and handle it all fantasically.....and maybe theres a santa.X Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted January 20, 2009 Report Share Posted January 20, 2009 You might just surprise yourself honey! You'll be fine, and we are here for you. Is there no Santa? What about he tooth fairy? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted January 20, 2009 Report Share Posted January 20, 2009 it will be okand if Billy comes out, tell him to f*ck off, tell him you need looking afterxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AveMaria Posted January 20, 2009 Report Share Posted January 20, 2009 Rock climbing sounds fun, you should be very proud that you are trying to make good memories. Although I know what you are talking about just pushing the bad thoughts and feelings to the back of your mind. I do that too with everything unpleasant. I hope that you don't fall apart afterwards, but like you said maybe it would be ok to let your new therapist see you doing not well. Wishing you luck and lots of good memories, we will be here if you need any support! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jinxsta Posted January 20, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 20, 2009 Hi Roses and Walker, Thank you for your support. I wish there was a toothfairy, I would've made a fortune with my wisdom teeth. I think its goona be a trip to the pub after, but can't get too out of coz of the other appointment (not meant to drink anyway ATM!). I got a copy of my crisis and contingency plan, risk assessment, care plan and risk management and some of the forms are done by my new CC, so they have her name, and it's like smacking me in the face.......reality that is i suppose. The thing is with Billy is... he's good at these times; he don't let me get upset or cry....he tells the world to fuck off.... then that stops me feeling hurt........... but i can't be taken over forever, gotta be me sometimes...but me always gets hurt and sad, he protects me and he's more fun........ah I dunno, maybe were too late. I bet that new CC is goona hate me after tomorrow, coz i'll probably be a c**t to her, she will say she don't wanna work with me...................................................STOP STOP STOP.......BE HAPPY........GOTTA SMILE XXXXX Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted January 20, 2009 Report Share Posted January 20, 2009 I missed the whole Billy thing, sorry. Is that a friend or a make believe friend or an alter or do you mean billy whizz? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jinxsta Posted January 20, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 20, 2009 Hi Roses and Walker, Thank you for your support. I wish there was a toothfairy, I would've made a fortune with my wisdom teeth. I think its goona be a trip to the pub after, but can't get too out of coz of the other appointment (not meant to drink anyway ATM!). I got a copy of my crisis and contingency plan, risk assessment, care plan and risk management and some of the forms are done by my new CC, so they have her name, and it's like smacking me in the face.......reality that is i suppose. The thing is with Billy is... he's good at these times; he don't let me get upset or cry....he tells the world to fuck off.... then that stops me feeling hurt........... but i can't be taken over forever, gotta be me sometimes...but me always gets hurt and sad, he protects me and he's more fun........ah I dunno, maybe were too late. I bet that new CC is goona hate me after tomorrow, coz i'll probably be a c**t to her, she will say she don't wanna work with me...................................................STOP STOP STOP.......BE HAPPY........GOTTA SMILE XXXXX Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jinxsta Posted January 20, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 20, 2009 Lol......sorry.....he's an alter, wrote a poem about him in creative corner i think, called "billys back"- that explains him more.X Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jinxsta Posted January 20, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 20, 2009 Rock climbing sounds fun, you should be very proud that you are trying to make good memories. Although I know what you are talking about just pushing the bad thoughts and feelings to the back of your mind. I do that too with everything unpleasant. I hope that you don't fall apart afterwards, but like you said maybe it would be ok to let your new therapist see you doing not well. Wis Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jinxsta Posted January 20, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 20, 2009 [font="Comic Sans MS"]Hi Avemaria, Yeah will be fun......long as im not taken over. I hope I can be myself around new CC, but when im most down and need the help the more i wont be myself or if im at a point i cant hide it, i prob wont show up. Will be interesting to see how it pans out....i'll be worried if im really not upset and i'll be worried if i really am.... both are dangerous.XxX Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jinxsta Posted January 20, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 20, 2009 ^ | WTF? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted January 20, 2009 Report Share Posted January 20, 2009 huh? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jades Posted January 20, 2009 Report Share Posted January 20, 2009 have fun with old care coodinater let billy come out if hemust new ldy will meethim smetie ayway just write a note today explaining and bring it with u just though it mayhelp no worries hn take care be urself xxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jinxsta Posted January 20, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 20, 2009 Ah I dunno roses, posts got all fucked (like my heads gettin lol oj)...makes sense somehow......i think.XxXHi Jades,Note sounds like a very good idea, have i got the ball'z- I dunno, give it ago though.ThanksXxX Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jinxsta Posted January 20, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 20, 2009 "billys back- a warning to the world" is in unsent letters/unspoken words on the first page.XxX Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mummyismad Posted January 20, 2009 Report Share Posted January 20, 2009 Hope all goes well tomorro, will be thinkin of you xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jades Posted January 20, 2009 Report Share Posted January 20, 2009 good luck and let me know how itgoes take care hun xxxx oh ad if bily need to com out let em i say Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jinxsta Posted January 20, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 20, 2009 Thanks Mummyismad and Jades.... need some glue XxX Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mummyismad Posted January 20, 2009 Report Share Posted January 20, 2009 What are you gluing? (last time i used it I stuck my lips together - tried to get the lid off!!) xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jinxsta Posted January 20, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 20, 2009 Oh god, i think im coming undone, .......i just looked looked at myself in he mirror and whispered "you may aswell stab me through the heart, coz thats how i feel" and then realised and started cryin..... i gotta stop this. need a fuckin exorcism or sumfin.XxX Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jinxsta Posted January 20, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 20, 2009 LOL, i need glue to hold me together.XxX Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rael Posted January 21, 2009 Report Share Posted January 21, 2009 i hope it goes well for you tomorrow and although you may take it badly you have the appointment and even if you not sure you will say if you bad at least there will be someone there just in case you can and she may be able to tell anyway. anyway i hope you have a good time and that you do ok after.xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jinxsta Posted January 21, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 21, 2009 Thanks Rael XxXIm a wreck already, woke up with this feeling that I only usually get at funerals.... like a tight ball in my chest, hint of heartburn in the background, been sick....soon as my eyes opened I was crying... TWAT, I know it must look to the world like im over-reacting, but I can't stop this feeling, I can't stop myself hurting, i can't not feel it, theres no tablet out there that can stop me feeling like this.I stopped and thought who can I get to phone me, that can make me feel better? and its her....shes who I would phone..... and I can't. .XxX Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jades Posted January 21, 2009 Report Share Posted January 21, 2009 oh jinxta try to think happy thoughts so u can enjoy the day with her and u can probably tell her how u feel and talk about it too u think? maybe some good music none of the sad stuff. ur not overreacting this woman knows u intamately and ur goning to miss her it ok. take care keep posting if it helps xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jinxsta Posted January 21, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 21, 2009 Im trying im trying now im getting panicky heart racing and sorts.....................i dont like where this is heading.X Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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