Mayday Mayday!

[Roses]

if u r now aware of your alters and when/where they been and stuff does this mean you feel you can move forward? xxx

[Jinxsta]

Hi Rael and Roses,

Im thinking this is good to be aware of them, because i kno why im so strange now....but i do agree with u Rael I would rather be unaware of all of it. I have told some of the MH's before about the memory lapses...they done a memory test on me stupid questions like roughly what is the time, ten mins in to a 3 o'clock appointment, with a clock opposite me on the wall..fools, ive always explained it like its me going into auto-pilot but my brains absent..... i done it yesterday...one minute i was in my bedroom the next i was in tesco.... i thought i had teleported there at first but i looked in my pocket and i had a bus ticket so that was obviously how i got there. I dont think i should tell the MH people everything, they will just say im deluded of something and make me feel like a freak.

I just gotta see whether I can control each of me..... that would be cool, like so they take over when its the right time, there own dutys and jobs.............and then i woke up, if only things like this worked like that.

Knowing doesn't make me feel better about whats going on around me but, least i know whos feeling what about what and why. And im not gonna hide nothing anymore, just gonna be who i am at the time..........but not tell anyone if they think im being weird........oh i dunno chatting brown now... i just mean i cant tell people the truth coz they will think ive gone crazy.

Things will be fine until Billy gets back, I hope he stays in tomorrow, we're meant to be goin2 group therapy............. would be amusing though.......or not would probably get us locked up. Stay with me Jinx, dont let him back just yet mate.

XxXxXx

[Roses]

Hope it goes well in group therapy tomorrow. Let us know how you get on babe. xxx

[Rael]

its a big thing to work out and a lot to carry, let time tell you the best way to deal with thing but if you feel you ever need to then tell the mh people whats going on. better that and them think bad than not to and something bad to happen. best of luck with group therapy tomorrow.

xxx

[Jinxsta]

Thanks Roses and Rael. Ya know what im begining to think; maybe I don't even have mental illnesses, maybe this is all just a major fuck-up and all thats going on is i am more than one person, and not knowing that has got me confused, and its looked like im ill, but really im not, i just haven't been aware of whats going on, or if I look at it from another perspective, what if "they" know there is more than one of me but they are just keeping it quiet, they haven't wanted me to know, thats why they throw pills at me, to make me forget......look what they done to Jesus, he was telling the truth in the end and tey all thought he was a mad-man....locked him away, killed him.....well we don't actually know if he even existed, but still, I bet everyone thought alenander Bell was a loon when he spoke of his plans for comunication.....now we have mobiles. MAYBE these docs etc are telling us all that we have mental problems but really its because we are figuring out the real world.

XxXxXx

[Rael]

i do often wonder similar things myself, usually while manic, i figure i am seeing the world clearly and its everyone else who is trying to hide it or dull the knowledge with drugs. i guess it doesnt really matter if its real or mh, fact is it is things that are causing us problems, pain, even when i think im thinking clearly i dont generally want to know these things because of the pressure that comes with it. gar dont think im explaining this sorry. i mean if its something that causes you pain, mentally or physically, and its something that we dont necessarily have to put up with, then sometimes its better to not wonder too much and just so what we need to for our present well-being. so sometimes i may think i know the answers to the worlds mysteries and the secrets of telekinesis and have psychic abilities, its not good for me because the pressure of 'knowing' these things is hard in itself so i will take the meds and hopefully it will ease and the pressure will lessen.

still not sure that made sense crap

xxx

[Jinxsta]

Do u tell MH peeps about it Rael?........and..so........ even if I am right, it might be better not to look into it any further........ like urmmm Roswell, no bad example....urm like not knowing wot day the worlds gonna end.........no, oh i dont know......better to be innocent, like kids...not so aware of danger so not so scared, yeah, wag-wan?.....maybe my thoughts are running away with me, but then maybe not. Ha if im right, its obvious crisis team are there to encourage suicide.......thats why they gave me too many pills.....see through it now, they think im fucking dumb, thats ok i can play dirty too. Show them im not falling for there shit, all of them that is.

XxXx

[Rael]

when i first had mania yes i told mh peeps about it. is different sometimes, first time i thought i was famous and tried to quit my job, second time i kept losing it (really odd) and went for bf with a knife. now im sinking out of this last one and yes i will tell docs about it. its painful to 'know' or think these things and i would rather be medicated to the eyeballs than go through how that was, trying to protect my thoughts from intrusions by others, thinking everyone was 'in on it' trying to catch me, putting fags out on my hand trying to keep my thoughts safe because i thought the pain put other thoughts in my head that it didnt matter if they saw, couldnt write for fear they would steal it. ugh horrible. not sure they are there to encourage suicide, though also not sure they try that hard to stop it, actually said to me once 'well we cant stop you its your choice'. if you gonna play dirty what would that involve? dont do anything damaging to yourself, remember if you think they are encouraging suicide then anything harming you would be them winning.

xxx

[jades]

sorry to change the topic but did u ever have amnesia with did and did your alters tell u their names or did u name them caues i can describe mines actions but have not named them and very similar to yours thanks

[Jinxsta]

aaarrrgghh I dunno Rael, i mean how do i know whats real? how did u know the differnce in the end coz obviously u wern't famous.....but u didnt know that at the time. If I tell them and im right there gonna lock me up and say im insaine just to hide it, or if i tell them and im wrong they might lock me away coz i am insane.......if i dont tell them and its real then i can be one step ahead and if im wrong i could end up doing something bad for no reason...hmmmm.

'well we cant stop you its your choice'

...oh yeah that ol' chesnut, had that one.....translates to "Do us a favour and get on with it"

if you gonna play dirty what would that involve? dont do anything damaging to yourself, remember if you think they are encouraging suicide then anything harming you would be them winning.

Thats my point, thats what they want to do, im gonna go along with them, let them think that have me hook, line and sinker, then i'll throw a spanner in the works, expose the facarde.... give the dog a bone. Can't trust these people, none of them.

did u ever have amnesia with did and did your alters tell u their names or did u name them caues i can describe mines actions but have not named them and very similar to yours thanks

Hey Jades, I haven't got DID, i just kind of lose windows of time and then suddenly become aware of being in a strange place or doing a strange thing. Well with my alters, we have Jinx; the name was actually a nick-name given at school, but i used it to name my fun/mischievious side sometimes call Jinx Jester... then the inner-child, known as the little'un....no name.... then Billy, I think i may have named him, can't be sure though....have there own ages, i just transform like power rangers.

AH Tyler Durden.......fight club, that explains all.

XxXxXx

[jades]

thanks jinxsta i appreciate that xxxxx

[Rael]

really i think it boils down to how thinking like this makes you feel, if it makes you paranoid, causes you pain, panic, sh, sui thoughts, then personally i think you better off telling them and letting them give you whatever pills or therapy help. believing something is true is one thing (i believe in lots of paranormal stuff that gets dismissed as bullshit by those who havent studied it - part of my degree was in parapsychology), but it getting out of control to the point where it is running/ruining your life and making you do dumb or harmful stuff means that you better off getting help.

in the end i guess i just dont think its worth it, throughout history there have been madmen, some have turned out to be geniuses way ahead of their time, some are just madmen. if it turned out i was a genius then tbh the pain of 'knowing' what i do in mania still isnt worth it.

xxx

[Jinxsta]

thanks jinxsta i appreciate that xxxxx

.....NW Jades XxX

making you do dumb or harmful stuff means that you better off getting help.

......hhhmm could end up dare i say killing others, me thinks that sounds harmful.....maybe I should tell them then....even if it is them im quetioning the motives of.....or i'll just say it in therapy.

............I bet Einstein never had this trouble.

XxX

[Rael]

funnily enough i believe he had bipolar. random knowledge

but yeah, def sounds like better bet to tell them, better than prison or ending up dead.

xxx

[Jinxsta]

Lol Rael........all the clever people are nuts. Got a feeling prison will be home soon.

XxX

[Roses]

what's the first rule of fight club?

[Jinxsta]

1st RULE: You do not talk about FIGHT CLUB.

2nd RULE: You DO NOT talk about FIGHT CLUB.

xXx

[Roses]

LOL!!! I love that film.

[Jinxsta]

...........Just thought i would update, yold my T today about my alters, well kind of i didn't go as far as telling her names etc, but i said i felt like my body is just a vessel for more than one personalites, and said how they eat, act, dress and behave different........... she said it was part of the "identity disturbance" part of BPD..... im not so sure, well i dont know, what do u guys think?

Yesterday group therapy didn't go to well, I was Billy for the most of the session, didnt realise until i noticed how i was sitting and speaking, but instead of trying to hide it....pulling back into Jinx, i just let him be, ended up saying "TBH im just here for a laugh, to make a mockery" (no wonder my T questioned my commitment to DBT today, said it seems to be fluctuating)......as u can imagine, no-one was impressed, it was really strange it felt like it was the first time i had been there, first time i had seen there peculier practises, like i had a friend with me saying "OMG, u sit thru this shit every week". CCCCCCCCraziness.

XxX

[Rael]

did you mention to her about the finding yourself strange places not knowing how you got there? i wonder if that would make a difference. i dont really know that much about DID, maybe best to keep seeing how it goes and explain as much to her as you can about how it feels and what happens.

xxx

[Jinxsta]

did you mention to her about the finding yourself strange places not knowing how you got there?

Urmm, no i didn't actually......tryin to think whether ive told her about it before, sure I haven't. Got an appointment with the shrink on thursday, maybe its worth mentioning to him..... but then i'll prob do my usual plan to say and ask 100 things and then spend half an hour looking at the floor, occassionally coming out with some dumb-ass comment that seems amusing at the time.

I feel a little over-whelmed by it all, my minds racing in circles, trying to figure out these characters, i feel like i want to describe them all in depth; Loves, hates, styles etc.... but on the other hand im thinking...god i can't be bothered with this, lets just let it be. The more I think about it the more i can recall strange things like... I wrote a letter to myself once, let someone else read it and they said "why do you keep refering to yourself as we?" and i just said, coz theres more than one of me........ unusual..... or like when i do something then i'll go "wot the fuck are you doing??, oh great now im gonna get the blame for this...".

God I dunno..... somethings gotta give.

XxX