Mayday Mayday!

[Jinxsta]

no there are theropies for them and they can be managed and bd in some cases can be grown out of i heard i used to have ocd but dont now and hvent since iwas 24 now 31 used to have to was hands aot

I was just looking at the Dignitas criteria, they will take people with incurable mental illnesses...........so im fucked then left down to me and my ballz.

XxX

[Jinxsta]

im sorry

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[Rael]

just looking through your amended list, couple of things stuck out, ill try to show you with just a few.

you had "Loss of P, having no-one to talk to who knows me well and my MH probs well. NC" i would say that is changeable because you could work with the new woman to help her get to the stage of being someone who knows you and probs well. write things down for her so you dont have to keep telling her

also "Moving process, packing, transportation, unpacking. C; Dont move." other thing to consider is that once its done it wont be a problem anymore, more of a temporary issue for now.

"Panic of change of environment, rules, germs, sharing K&B C Dont move." get a routine that could make you feel more comfortable, have things that make you feel good around you, have something nice planned either just for you or for all of you to do to give you something to look forwards to about it

"Panic attacks. MC With drugs?" or with relaxation, breathing exercises, having music on (i always have mp3 player on me), having something calming with you, essential oils, distractions

i wont do it with all of them but just wanted to give you an idea that there will be options that immediately spring to mind for you, because they are often the ones you first do. they dont have to be the only ones though, it may take some thinking about but that in itself can be good, a distraction.

xxx

[Jinxsta]

Im too far gone Rael, no saving this mother fucker, trust. Waaaay tooo gone. Cant take it.

XxXX

Look after urself

XxXx

[Rael]

never too far gone hun, it is worth fighting, the odd may seem insurmountable but you are worthy of the fight. dont give up, please, go to a&e if you need to, i know it may not help long term but if it keeps you safe for now then thats good. you know that things can look different, might be frustrating not knowing when that next time will be but it WILL come and is worth it.

xxx

[daisy duck]

Really hope you don't give up....its never too late jinxta.

xxx

[Jinxsta]

Think i already hav

x

[i_m_yours]

Im too far gone Rael, no saving this mother fucker, trust. Waaaay tooo gone. Cant take it.

XxXX

Look after urself

XxXx

I am so sorry for what you are going trough

and you are not too far gone, you are SO YOUNG! your whole life is ahead of you, if you could just stop for a second and take a breath and see that you can have yourself, your life under your control?

and about your list, you are expecting too much from people and everyday life, I know its easy to say, but try to accept stressors as normal part of life, and not to just overcome one by one, because they will always be here... for example, moving - you can find it very stressful, but you can also look at it from other angle and find it motivating.. and many other things that are bothering you.

try to live day by day and maybe doing things like caring for yourself - normal daily routine, being responsible - is first ticket to your self esteem... like "i am good to myself, that feels so better"

I know that my advices are a bit idiotic because you know all that, but do you really know it? you should start to believe you are able to live normaly, other way you cant start with it.

xxx

[jades]

how r u today jinxsta? xxxxx

[AveMaria]

how are you doing? Sorry it took me so long to check back. The list sounded like a good idea, but your last post sounded kinda hopeless. You are strong, you can make it though this. Hope you are ok!

[Rael]

how you doing hun?

xxx

[Jinxsta]

Hi All,

Last night has opened the floodgates'to self-destruction. Don't quite know whats going on, strange things are happening and people in generall seem to be acting strange. Arm is hurting, got no grip, must have hit a tendon or something. Hometreatment came this morning, told them what i did and what i wanna do, said i had looked up train times for when it goes under the bridge, and that I had found someone to get me a gun, tried to be honest with them but they just said i gotta stop being negative, blah blah blah.......gave me a new script (i pointed out the last had a months supply, that im not allowed) so new one was for 10tabs, took it to the chemist, they gave me a pack of 28...... feels like someone up there is trying to point me in the OD direction.........but no i'll only puke them up.....still isnt the point someones playing games with me. Hometreatment coming next on monday... Dont think i wanna see them anymore, they aren't exactly helping. I found an old pack of olanzapine in my bag might have a few of them to knock me out for a few days.

XxX

[walker]

jinx, you are a powerful person, suffering powerful mental pain

but

you WILL get through this, and grow from it

you are allowed to feel shit - someone has gone and left a f*cking great hole in your life

that would hurt anyone

and you are already hurting,

the torment is agony, I know

and it is at these times we need coping mechanisms

DONT get excited - I am CRAP at giving advice

but for each moment you can cry, scream, kick something, tear something up, even tell yourself what a heap of shit you are (NOT YOU, but its my favourite for me!!)

for each moment - it is a moment forwards, - a moment of future, - a moment of strength - yes strength -

I do not know what has happened in your past - but somehow you have learnt that you are not worth being here

WELL IM SORRY JINX BUT YOU ARE WRONG

and whoever, or however you came to have those beliefs, is wrong too

YOU ARE A SPECIAL PERSON, and you touch and enrich other peoples lives in ways you may never know

JINX is SPECIAL

JINX is SPECIAL

JINX is SPECIAL

JINX is SPECAIL

GOT THE IDEA YET ?????????????????

SO much love to you, we are reaching out and holding you in our hearts

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[Jinxsta]

.......u must be very good with words, u got a grin outta me, funny and heart-warming, i literally welled-up (in a warm way), thanks Walker. Them people keep saying to me "well u have been here before and got through it", but i dont think i have been this bad before, and even if i have y would i want to keep fighting only to come back here again? like i said to them this morning; "If ur dog bit u everytime u touched his tail, u wouldn't touch his tail would u?...and i dont want to be bitten anymore"..........they couldn't answer that one. I kind of in a way know im not a nasty person....its just my head...so i don't want my head. They asked me if they had a magic wand wot would i want them to do? i said get me a surgeon who will perform a brain transplant.

XxX

[Miko]

..........I just got these lyrics in my head....."20 something years old he should be ashamed if i was him, i would slit my veins at the mains, run a luke-warm bath sit in it till my arterys drain, do it right this time so i aint gotta do it again coz theres nothing more pathetic than a cry for help, either you do or you don't wanna kill ya'self, everybody knows you've got a problem so it don't matter if you admit it, wot u gotta do is be a man and fucking deal with it"

XxX

PLEASE don't post destructive lyrics without commenting on them - preferably not at all

[Miko]

Thanks Miko, Jades and Roses,

What ones come round more than once, takes someone else to notice sometimes. I've done what I said I would and put the way I can change them, but on most the way to change them aren't good options either..........I'll show u what i mean (boring I kno);

NC=Not changable MC=Maybe changable C= Changable and DK= Don't know.

Whats Pissing me off?

In no particular order;

Loss of P, having no-one to talk to who knows me well and my MH probs well. NC

Moving process, packing, transportation, unpacking. C; Dont move.

Panic of change of environment, rules, germs, sharing K&B C Dont move.

Being apart from Bean, will she hate me, will something happen? NC Dont move.

Terrorists, planes, buses, public places. MC Be hypnotised

Intrusive thoughts. NC

Acting on urges. MC If DBT works

Kidney pain unresolved. C Go to the appointment!

Being psychic, causing bad things. DK

Not having a phone. MC Get contract.

Lumps on head. MC Go to the docs.

Not being taken serious by those who don't know me well. NC

Being weak. C Get stronger, don't back down.

Not knowing significance of signs. DK

Lollys affair, the after-effects, people being sad. NC

Quitting college. NC

Losing control. NC

Doing too many narcotics. C Cut-back.

Lack of dough. C Possible, but illegal.

Feeling dirty. MC Temporary relief from bleach bathing.

Not being able to prevent things happening to people. NC

Not being able to be there for people. C Be there.

Everyone arguing and fighting. NC

Not being able to snap out of bad alters.NC

My own risky behaviour. C If DBT works.

Being "off the rails". DK alraedy off.

C being nasty, me not sticking up for myself. C Go stick up 4 ya'self.

Not wanting to be alone and not wanting to be around people. NC

Feeling compassion towards objects. NC

Noise in general and unknown sounds; bangs etc.NC

Feeling like im being watched. NC

People thinking they have one up on me.C Show them they don't.

Sensing someone is going to shoot me. C Won't sense it when I am shot.

Going to prison. C conform.

Being alive and not wanting to live. NC

Uncontrollable impulsivity.NC

Worry of future rages, will I accidently kill someone? C Learn not to care about it.

Eating. C Protein shakes.

Not having transport.C Get some.

Being selfish.C Think of others first

Not seeing bro and sis.C go see them

Being a failiure.NC Having failed I am a failiure

Panic attacks. MC With drugs?

Haullucinations, visual and auditory, whats actually happening?MC With drugs?

Not being able to smoke pot.C Just smoke it.

Lack of consistancy in attitude towards MH services and medication. C Pick 1 or the other and stick by it.

Not being able to controll my emotions.MC If DBT works

Not remembering what has been a dream and whats real. NC

Not being loved. NC

Ruminating over losses C Deal with them , get over them.

Nan and grandad. NC

Not being able to get drunk.C Stop doing pills or drink more.

Dad. NC

Checking and counting.MC Could not do it but would be wracked with anxiety.

Strange smells.NC

Not being honest about my feelings.C If DBT works

Rubbish.NC

Fake people.NC

Most odd numbers.NC

Being beyond help.DK

Lack of fight. DK

People giving me unhelpful advice through lack of understanding; such as; "snap out of it", "you're just bored" C Dont talk to those who probably wont get it.

Ever mounting dirty washing.C Do washing more regular.

Talking to myself/the lodgers and objects in public. NC

Being or saying something inapproprite, without realising it. NC

Hair getting long.C Cut it.

Being looked down on. NC

Sleepwalking NC

Am I what my mind tells me? NC

Are unknown forces creating my thoughts? NC

Aliens. NC

Not completing suicide, ie; not dying, being left paralysed.DK

Bad memory. NC

Losing things and spending alot of time looking for things.NC

Lack of sleep.C Drugs, uppercut to the jaw.

Having to seek help.C Don't seek it.

Lack time perception. DK

Being dependent on services.C Drop out.

Having to be an adult.C Be the real life peter-pan.

Having no ID.C Get driving liscense.

Not liking the number of the year we are in or the age i will be next. NC

82

I can't seem to prioritize them it's like they all seem as important as each other but in different ways, I thought maybe putting them as High priority, Medium and Low but i don't even think i can do that.

XxXxXx

Hi Jinxsta

Your list is fabulous!

There are so many C's and MC's

I can just see the brick wall that is in front of you crumbling just by looking at it!

(Sorry about my other post but that triggered me)

Oh yes and by the way are you on the right neds?

Since my good time on gabapentin started I am convinced mood stabilisers are under prescribed, could you do with it as well, it takes a long time to cut in but I've stopped seeing the world as a jazzy Van Gogh painting, it is now a cool Vermeer B)

[Jinxsta]

..........I just got these lyrics in my head....."20 something years old he should be ashamed if i was him, i would slit my veins at the mains, run a luke-warm bath sit in it till my arterys drain, do it right this time so i aint gotta do it again coz theres nothing more pathetic than a cry for help, either you do or you don't wanna kill ya'self, everybody knows you've got a problem so it don't matter if you admit it, wot u gotta do is be a man and fucking deal with it"

XxX

PLEASE don't post destructive lyrics without commenting on them - preferably not at all

-Comment; Lyrics by Plan B, song title Mama.

As Bart Simpson would say; eat my shorts.

(im joking BTW)

X

[Jinxsta]

Sorry Miko i should have put a warning, just wasn't with it at all at the time or now come to that.

Ive just restarted on Sertraline, gotta gradually up the dose from 50 to 200mg........takes too long. Some things are now NC's on my list coz of the post today......really pissed me off, the neighbours are lying about me and trying to get me charged £200 for something i didnt do.......dunno y they hate me so much but if they want trouble then thats wot they will get.

XxX

[walker]

tis the season for magic wands then

My gp asked me exactly the same on Tuesday

my response?

to go - somewhere - with nothing - for ever

Hmmmmmmmmmmm she didnt like that

and if my dog kept trying to bite me, id find out why, before I put him down !!!!

I am pleased you welled up - for the well inside you is deep, very deep, and filled with sadness and hurt

It is a tough bitch - which I think - (FORGIVE ME IF I AM WRONG) - is what these people see when they visist.

It is what you show others, as its your survival ticket - so maybe keep a little bit lol

but inside you is warmth and humour and compassion and talent

if you cant feel it in your head at the moment, then know it in your heart

it is the hurt and vulnerable Jinx who is crying out for help, and the tough bitch who keeps pushing it away

DAMN THIS

totally lost my train of thought BUGGAR

I was trying to be deep and inspiring, but its all buggered off out of my head,

sorry, too much personal anger and hatred seeping in

messed up head trying to help messed up head

WELL ANYWAY

I CARE - for what its worth

and I think you need to know that - there are people in this world that care about Jinx

THERE ARE PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD THAT CARE ABOUT YOU

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[Jinxsta]

tis the season for magic wands then

My gp asked me exactly the same on Tuesday

my response?

to go - somewhere - with nothing - for ever

Hmmmmmmmmmmm she didnt like that

and if my dog kept trying to bite me, id find out why, before I put him down !!!!

I am pleased you welled up - for the well inside you is deep, very deep, and filled with sadness and hurt

It is a tough bitch - which I think - (FORGIVE ME IF I AM WRONG) - is what these people see when they visist.

It is what you show others, as its your survival ticket - so maybe keep a little bit lol

but inside you is warmth and humour and compassion and talent

if you cant feel it in your head at the moment, then know it in your heart

it is the hurt and vulnerable Jinx who is crying out for help, and the tough bitch who keeps pushing it away

DAMN THIS

totally lost my train of thought BUGGAR

I was trying to be deep and inspiring, but its all buggered off out of my head,

sorry, too much personal anger and hatred seeping in

messed up head trying to help messed up head

WELL ANYWAY

I CARE - for what its worth

and I think you need to know that - there are people in this world that care about Jinx

THERE ARE PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD THAT CARE ABOUT YOU

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Thanks again Walker, sorry you've got it rough too. Not sure where my talent is yet, (I have business cards that state my professionas professional TWAT).

My alters are getting all mixed-up, you got the little'un, she's basically the inner child....who is screaming out for help as if shes being chased by a big scary monster.....then theres myself saying "oh i can't be fucked anymore" .....and then theres Billy, well need not say anymore bout him...... but him and the little-'un are just battling eachother all the time.....usually i can step in to break them up and say right we are doing it MY WAY, but its not happening at the mo, and Billy is so damn powerful...................so yeah with them fighting im pulling and pushing.................then i suppose i get confused of what I actually want and not what they want.

I care about you too Walker, and u make a lot of sense.

XxXxXxXxXxXx

[walker]

dear Jinx

I am ok at the moment

but I have those same battles in my head

messing it up

while I spin round and round, not knowing what to do for the best

it is SHIT VILLE

your talents - some I have seen so far - insight - humour - endurance - writing -

this time last week my daughter had triggered me big time - (Totally inocently, on her part)

I was hitting my head and shaking it all night, trying to shake some sense into it - trying to stop all those people from arguing and fighting

gradually it subsided,

it was nothing to what you feel atm, but i am just trying to say I know and I understand SOME of your pain and frustration

it WILL ease,

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Rael]

if circumstances can happen to make them change to NC then maybe things could change to allow things to become C at some point? things that are not changeable are only that in the present situation. things can always happen to make our view on them change and make it easier to change them.

sorry the home treatment team are being useless, know that feeling. dont give up though, sometimes you do really need to kick them up the arse to get anything out of them, if they behave in certain ways or do anything (or not do it) that causes problems then let them know how they could maybe react better. mine kept on doing the same things over and over which was basically neglect as i told them how i felt and they just said oh ok then and left. i may be getting involved with them again soon and have already made a start with the contact i have had telling them what happened before and how it made things worse.

sorry this prob really not helping, but just wanted to say keep on trying hun, dont give up you are worth much more than that.

xxx

[Roses]

Jinxsta. Try and focus on one thing you to do, like a dream or something (but POSITIVE), like swim with dolphins or something. Keep thought in head and try and visualise how nice it would be and try and distract from all the bad stuff. We are here for you xxx

[Jinxsta]

OMG! I have spent today thinking, about well myself, the way i am, the things i do etc.....my alters are real ive never really mentioned them to AMH coz ive just thought they are just inner voices rather than individuals....ive always none they were there in my head, but now i have realised that they do take over completely, like my body it the shell, being rented by four people, that dress different, speak different, like different things, different morals, different ages.... all co-habiting in this one body.....appearing as one on the outside but interacting inside. I keep flashing back to different events and seeing one of the four characters.ive just realised who i have been arguing with all these years....i look at my photos and i can tell which person is in the pilot seat at the time....from the eyes or hairstyle, clothes stance, the way im holding my drink, smoking my fag........i feel like ive just met my family for the first time......this explains so much, like the memory relapses that were never solved.......becoming conscious in places i hadnt gone to like, football stadiums..... nightclubs..... ship wrecks....... the sea...... brighton... and phoneboxes brandishing knives, that was me just switching back alters. Although this feels incredable that i have finally figured it out......its fucking scary, wow, im pretty overwhelmed.........I wanna phone everyone and tell them, but i know i cant tell anyone, like the fbi stop people from saying they have seen aliens, i know they will think im crazy, and if i was crazy i wouldn't know that right? i know im right... we just got to all learn to get along and the less said the better, loose lips, lose ships. Fuck no wonder my sexuality so confused.....one of them is male and one half male too, just looked in my wardrobe the range of styles is unbelievable bit like the songs in my media player............don't know what else to say but this is wild.

[Rael]

im glad for you that you have seen this, it must be scary though to know that this is going on. would it not be worth a go mentioning it to mental health people? i know what you mean about the if you were crazy you wouldnt know it ive had that thrown at me but i dont think its true. ive often thought i wished i could see my craziness i would rather be blissfully unaware, i find it harder knowing its going on and not being able to stop it. if you have stuff going on like the waking up in places you dont remember going then maybe you could start off just telling them about this before you tell them everything.

less said the better doesnt always work, i do hope that seeing this yourself will help you work things out.

xxx