hummm_mabbe Posted January 31, 2009 Report Share Posted January 31, 2009 not really i just have the omg i cant do this im too weak thing going and my mind is going crazy and cant focus had to take a valium for shakes it wass so bad and now i thinkit set me off i cant call anyone its way too early i need help pleaseDo you know why it is you think you are too weak? Is it just a feeling that you, Jades, could never achieve something like this, that maybe you feel like you lack the moral fibre to?Or is it that thinking about all this stuff, and perhaps the prospect of having nothing to lean on to soothe you, is too scary when you dont yet have anything else to make you feel better? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jades Posted January 31, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 31, 2009 i thhink its the soothing cause i feel like just careening over the edge or cutting now and ive been binging i cant get under control and im scared nothing is soothing me i dont know what to do ross Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted January 31, 2009 Report Share Posted January 31, 2009 i thhink its the soothing cause i feel like just careening over the edge or cutting now and ive been binging i cant get under control and im scared nothing is soothing me i dont know what to do rossCuddles, you need cuddles!I hope that I have been able to understand a little bit of what you are feeling, if I am wrong then please tell me ... Where you are right now, I have been many times and so have many people here. For your whole life, you have had to try to soothe yourself, support yourself, because what you needed was not there for you. Drink is the support for you, SH is the support for you. Right now, you cannot be expected to belive that anything else could ever do that for you, provide that comfort and solace that they bring. It takes repeated instances of seeing that people are there for you, that they care, and that they are ABLE to soothe you. To do this they need to listen, to understand, to empathise, to make you feel that its ok to be hurting, to take away your shame and make you feel loved and wanted, where you may have been feeling wretched and alone. To feel so alone is acutely painful - like a needle in your heart. You are right at the beginning of recovery, and I know that you do not lack strength because I have already seen what you are able to do, that courageous part of you inside. Even though you cant feel that part of you now, it is like a little baby sprout inside of you, like a little glow. Its the same glow we all see when you post here.It sounds like the sense of freefall, of what the hell do I do now, has been whats triggered you, or perhaps there was an incident with mum, or something that came to mind? Sometimes a little thought can set that chain of events off, and then theres a swirl of memories and thoughts that lead always bac to that same place. The thing is, with time, as you see that your sponsor will be there for you, and the group too, the fear and pain isnide will start to get a little less. Right now, you cant be expected to have a belief that other people can privide that soothing - its something that only experience can prove to you, and so its totally understadable that you are in a state of fear and hurt. With time and repetition, you will start to feel inside that you Sponsor and group CAN be there for you, that you are accepted, that you are not shameful and unwanted.Right now the part of you that thinks all the bad things is punishing you, making you feel useless, alone and worthless. That part has no place inside of you, it was put there by others. Gradually the glow is growing, getting bigger, and with time it will drown out that punishing, critical voice. That nasty voice can fuck right off as far as im concerned, because it is THAT voice that is of no value, it does nothing to help or hold you. Its purpose is to only ever torture, criticise and berate you, because it is the voice of those people who felt they needed to do that to you. Fcuk off, nasty voice, go and take a dive off a pier somewhere, and let Jades have the hugs and holding she needs right now. Shes hurting, and she doesnt need punishing - she needs holding and listening to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jades Posted January 31, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 31, 2009 thanks rss i needed that i feel a little better hearing that but still feel paniced i just dont know what set this off and dont know how to soothe yet it doesnt help that i have alcohol still in the house either i feel it calling me but an also afraid i might commit suicide now im losst so confused so lost im in despare now went from fear tto panic to despair and suicidal in heartbeats aaagggh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daisy duck Posted January 31, 2009 Report Share Posted January 31, 2009 thanks rss i needed that i feel a little better hearing that but still feel paniced i just dont know what set this off and dont know how to soothe yet it doesnt help that i have alcohol still in the house either i feel it calling me but an also afraid i might commit suicide now im losst so confused so lost im in despare now went from fear tto panic to despair and suicidal in heartbeats aaaggghjades.calm down sweet.....deep breaths...focus,your doing well...its hard but your strong and you can get through this.Sending you a big hug and kisses girl.xxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jades Posted January 31, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 31, 2009 thanks daisy i pulled out an old med and took some to get high im ashamed i couldnt take it i didnt want to drink but couldnt take it wanted to take whole bottle still thinking about it sigh aaaghghg Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted January 31, 2009 Report Share Posted January 31, 2009 thanks rss i needed that i feel a little better hearing that but still feel paniced i just dont know what set this off and dont know how to soothe yet it doesnt help that i have alcohol still in the house either i feel it calling me but an also afraid i might commit suicide now im losst so confused so lost im in despare now went from fear tto panic to despair and suicidal in heartbeats aaaggghSoothing, if its never been learned at any point, comes from others at first and then becomes part of you, so dont punish yourself for not 'learning a skill quick enough'. Soothing is an emotional learning.What do you think has brought on the panic? If you could give a voice to the panic, what would it be saying to you? What is it that you are needing right now? What maybe does Little Jades need? Is she there mabbe, feeling scared in the corner? What does she want? Whats missing for her that makes her feel so scared and panicked? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daisy duck Posted January 31, 2009 Report Share Posted January 31, 2009 thanks daisy i pulled out an old med and took some to get high im ashamed i couldnt take it i didnt want to drink but couldnt take it wanted to take whole bottle still thinking about it sigh aaaghghgdont ever be ashamed jade.....you will be okay.Look how far youve come and we are all here for youxxxxxxxxxxxxplease dont make me dance naked to make you smile cos i'll do it!!!!!!!!!then you'l be sorry!xxxxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted January 31, 2009 Report Share Posted January 31, 2009 U still there Jades? U OK? Just been reading what's going on and wanted to give you a hug and say I'm here for you and there is no need to be afraid as you are not alone. xxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jades Posted January 31, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 31, 2009 she feels like she is too weak to help herself like the world is too hard and she doesnt want to do it anymore shes scared too scare for me to know how tohelp her i dont know how to help her except to sed ate her give her the numb feeling she craves Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted January 31, 2009 Report Share Posted January 31, 2009 I wish I could scoop you up and take you away from all your pain. I am thinking of you. xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted January 31, 2009 Report Share Posted January 31, 2009 she feels like she is too weak to help herself like the world is too hard and she doesnt want to do it anymore shes scared too scare for me to know how tohelp her i dont know how to help her except to sed ate her give her the numb feeling she cravesSo mabbe she wants to escape from it all, because the feelings are just way too much? And you know the alcohol will do that, numb those feelings for a while?What if little Jades could be made to feel something else other than panic or numbness? Would she like to feel calm, wanted, cuddled, accepted? To mabbe have a soothing voice ask her whats wrong, and she knows its ok to say everything that hurts, and to cry as much as she needs to, and it will be heard? What if someone warm, strong and protecting could come along, and hear you say "i feel so scared and panicked", and wanted to hear all the things that make you feel that way? Made you feel that its ok to hurt, and that they wanted to take the hurt away? What would little Jades say, what are all those words that she would want to say to that strong, calm and warm person, knowing its ok no matter what you do or say, they will be there for you and accept you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted January 31, 2009 Report Share Posted January 31, 2009 I wish I could scoop you up and take you away from all your pain. I am thinking of you. xxxxScoopie scoop!Whee Roses is here too, with her cuddle machine, and daisy with her naked bottie dancing Botties rule! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jades Posted January 31, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 31, 2009 thanks roes and rossie i thinkk lil jades will just stay in yalls arms awhile and watch daisy dance got my money out lol u guys are great too good to me love u all u make me feel safe thanks i guess thats what ineed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted January 31, 2009 Report Share Posted January 31, 2009 You brighten up our lives, it is no more than you deserve. xxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jades Posted January 31, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 31, 2009 thanks roses hugs xxxxxxx iguess ishouldn t have takeb thodss pills im really messed up now Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted January 31, 2009 Report Share Posted January 31, 2009 They'll be out of your system in no time babe, just keep safe. xxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jades Posted January 31, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 31, 2009 ok hun i willl hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted January 31, 2009 Report Share Posted January 31, 2009 thanks roes and rossie i thinkk lil jades will just stay in yalls arms awhile and watch daisy dance got my money out lol u guys are great too good to me love u all u make me feel safe thanks i guess thats what ineedI think its amazing that you are able to see that Jadey poople Maybe you have made a connection that, when you feel the urge to drink, or self harm, that what you are really needing is to feel safe in someones arms and have that human, soothing contact? Its amazing how our minds can do that, replace one thing with another. Seeing you able to get insight like this, some might call "grasping success from the jaws of defeat" because even though you are feeling awful, you were able to take something from it, and I think shows just what you are able to do I have got next turn on Roses cuddle machine though! Me me my turn my turn ^_^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted January 31, 2009 Report Share Posted January 31, 2009 thanks roses hugs xxxxxxx iguess ishouldn t have takeb thodss pills im really messed up nowNo shame in wanting to feel betterAs Roses says, they will be out your system in no time, all pee peed down the toiletHee now Im being childish :blink: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jades Posted January 31, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 31, 2009 lol ross i guess those pills were bad idea now im in slow motion and high guess thas what i really wanted tho so .......at least i didnt take whole bottle like i wanted to :blink: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted January 31, 2009 Report Share Posted January 31, 2009 lol ross i guess those pills were bad idea now im in slow motion and high guess thas what i really wanted tho so .......at least i didnt take whole bottle like i wanted to And whats more, you avoided the bottle, so this is a small victory I think. Wouldnt it be awesome if it got to the stage where just people were enough to make you feel better all the time? I think thats the ultimate goal, and in fact I think your ability to find comfort from others is much better than you think, and with AA and your sponsor I think you are on a grand path. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jades Posted January 31, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 31, 2009 oops now im seeing colors :blink: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted January 31, 2009 Report Share Posted January 31, 2009 oops now im seeing colors OOpsieWhat did you take? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theloveforwisdom Posted January 31, 2009 Report Share Posted January 31, 2009 im going to an aa meeting today in witch i have to talk about myself and why i cant drink anymore i dont want to share about my mh but i was thinking of just saying that when i drink i try to kill myself and i cut would that be too shocking or is it ok cause i want to be honest enough that people help me but not scare them away ? i could use dome input im a bit panicked over it thankshonestly I also feel rather ashamed about this very thing. I have a deep subconious desire and drinking makes it stronger so i cannot drink. I just want to make all the pain go away and i don't want to wake up again. I don't drink for that reason but I do think it is something more then just a problem for AA. you need to dig deeper to find out why you feel like that when you are drunk and why you hold this in your mind. drinking just brings out a deeper already existing problem.maybe it's not so uncommon because we both share these feelings so it could be possible that others in your AA have the very same problem. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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