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Shame


hummm_mabbe

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hey i know this is off subject but i went to the aa meeting except ther wasnt one and i had walked downtown and i started hallucinating really bad so i walked to the police station and told them they searched me and asked me like 200 friking questtions like do u have friends what do u suffr from etc and alot of stupid ones too like is someone after u and then took me home some adventure i had now im on the crazies list of my town but the cop that took me home was really nice but i think was afraid of me :(

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hey, I have issues with shame. its a feeling I didnt realise was tehre for so long, but when I found it!!!!! I think shame is when you feel bad for having normal human emotions and reactions, its like not wanting your own feelings. I never felt ashamed for being unwell, I never felt ashamed for not reaching potenital, but I felt ashamed of the abuse, in part I still feel ashamed of not remebering all of it. and I think I also carry with me the guilt and shame for not being enough to fix my mother, because thats what she had me for so thats whats internalised down so deep. But time is helping, compassion, finding safety, and I find writing for me helps, its my own inner speak. its a difficult uncomfortable feeling, one that I grew up forcing down cause I had no other way of coping with it, but as it comes out, slowly, its not as unbearable as I believed.

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