hummm_mabbe Posted February 1, 2009 Author Report Share Posted February 1, 2009 just wanted to say hun i kinda know how it feels to be the intelligent one (academically - i have no common sense whatsoever) i got bullied mercilessly for going to a grammar school, college and uni, got the highest 11+ score in schools records and even now i wont tell people what my IQ is. they prob wouldnt believe me anyway because i struggle with everyday stuff even like knowing how to pay bills but give me something academic and im well away. used to excel at latin and english lang/lit, that got me bullied more times than i know.now often i avoid doing anything that i can use my brain for because im scared of people's reaction and that i will become even more of an outcast. (can never have too many hugs)xxxHi RaelHow did it make you feel? I mean, for me its a mixture of two opposites - it was the only thing I was good at, or praised for - but at the same time caused me to be rejected and hurt. Its like thats all there is to me, and so I guess makes me feel even more open to attack, because if all that I am is something to be despised, then I am GOING to be despised. Yet its still that thing I hold on to.I can see that this is a major issue for me to explore in therapy now - its another double bind that I put myself in. If I am not clever, then I will not be accepted and praised for it, but if I am clever then I will be hurt and rejected. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jades Posted February 1, 2009 Report Share Posted February 1, 2009 hey rossie xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted February 1, 2009 Author Report Share Posted February 1, 2009 Just wanted to say thanks for the shame article! It was amazing for me, not sure how to describe what I am thinking.... but I had never really thought about that shame is sort of an emotion and that it can be a problem. From the article, it sounds like many of my problems have roots in shame so now I have a starting block to begin working on fixing them. Thanks thanks thanks!xxxHullo Ave MariaGlad it was helpie If you feel able, it would be really helpful to hear what comes up for you and what you feel - having someone to speak to going through the same experience helps so much. I realise though that the whole point about shame is that its impossible to talk about, so if its too much then I understand -_- Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted February 1, 2009 Author Report Share Posted February 1, 2009 hey rossie xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxHullo jadey poopleHow was the meeting of anonymice? (geddit? anonymous .. anonymouse ... anonymice .. umm ok mabbe only I thought it was funny)Did it go ok? Any shamey feelings or anythin? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jades Posted February 1, 2009 Report Share Posted February 1, 2009 i got a big shamey see my need advice threa then u can post it back on here xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jades Posted February 1, 2009 Report Share Posted February 1, 2009 my shamey was i had the aa members come over and throw out my alcohol doen the drain and my old meds including so at 2 am i was outside on the street fishing those pills outta the trash in my robe to get high <_< Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted February 1, 2009 Author Report Share Posted February 1, 2009 i got a big shamey see my need advice threa then u can post it back on here xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxLookin for the tablets? Its like I said before - you dont yet have something that you reliably know will help you to feel better. You have found this place, but Im guessing it can never be as reliable as the tablets?It is going to take a while to build up the trust, and also the know-how, of how to let others soothe you. I have still not managed to make it a regular thing, its sorta fits and starts, and thats because I am still learning what I actually need, and how I actually go about getting that. Ive never had it and so never known how.I think TBH that if what you are taking is a prescrition med, then whilst you are in this stage of battling AL (can I call him that?) you are naturally going to need replacements. Part of what is keeping you stuck is the shame of needing these things, and that is EXACTLY what al-anon is desgined to heal - to show you that there is no shame in it, because there truly isnt. Everyone copes somehow, its just that some are lucky enough to have been given the gift of support and healing from early in life, and others havent. People that have it, take it for granted, and so cannot understand why others need something else. If they are intolerant, they will not try to see what is different, what is missing, and so they may shame us for it. It is their ignorance and lack of compassion that is shameful.I would say go to the doccie doc and ask him / her if what you are taking is ok, and tell them you need something to take the edge off whilst you are quitting the booze, working towards becoming emotionally healthy and self-sufficient. If the drugs are approved then that is safer. Tell them about feeling suicidal too, and mabbe they can make sure they give you something thats not a depressant.Eventually you WILL be emotionally self-sufficient (that is, able to get what you need from your relationships, so the word 'self' is a bit misleading!) and tour bodies reliance on synthetic soothing will become less, but right now I think you need at least something to help, because willpower eventually breaks. It is a very rare case that willpower alone is enough, because you are fighting a basic urge, as Roses said.Oh and she said shes not unhappy at you abut anything and sent cuddles in the thread :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted February 1, 2009 Report Share Posted February 1, 2009 GREAT BIG cuddles **HUG HUG HUG HUG** Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted February 1, 2009 Author Report Share Posted February 1, 2009 my shamey was i had the aa members come over and throw out my alcohol doen the drain and my old meds including so at 2 am i was outside on the street fishing those pills outta the trash in my robe to get high Hmm well it seems they have their methods. Im not sure about them chucking the meds away, if they were prescription, but I dont know exactly how these things work ya see. Go with it, I say. If they think that digging out the meds is bad, and they have some other way of helping you feel better, then go with that. But right now you are living out the process, which is the whole idea of these groups. Little at a time, you are getting there jadey If they are only going to stop you usung booze or meds, and not help you with the deeper emotional roblems, then I would say find a therapist to supplemet this. Most folks with BPD or DID that go to al-anon also need therapy, because al-anon will only get you off the booze. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted February 1, 2009 Report Share Posted February 1, 2009 Your sack guy is creeping me out. Bring back the bunnies!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jades Posted February 1, 2009 Report Share Posted February 1, 2009 thanks ross and roses they only made me get rid of the meds i use to get high off of they know me from my last time in aa so thats what i did but u know what happened any how i agree creepy lol xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted February 1, 2009 Report Share Posted February 1, 2009 He's looking at me and saying "you want this paint brush, come and get it". And you know if you do he's gonna attack you, probably a little evil ninja! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jades Posted February 1, 2009 Report Share Posted February 1, 2009 rofl aaaaaaaaaaaahahahhahahhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahaha i love u roses i was thinking the same thing oh m about to cry its so funny oops i am aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhahahahahaha xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jades Posted February 1, 2009 Report Share Posted February 1, 2009 sick em !!!!! ha mias got that stupid brush now lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jades Posted February 1, 2009 Report Share Posted February 1, 2009 thats bills arm by the way lol so waht will u give me to get the brush back mwaaaaamwaaa!!!!!????? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jades Posted February 1, 2009 Report Share Posted February 1, 2009 what happened yall hiding from mias scary teeth? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted February 1, 2009 Author Report Share Posted February 1, 2009 thats bills arm by the way lol so waht will u give me to get the brush back mwaaaaamwaaa!!!!!?????Lol I suppose he is a bit creepy looking, but I quite like him really, I think he's cute Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jades Posted February 1, 2009 Report Share Posted February 1, 2009 hey rossie check out my shamey on need advice and leave me a post please k xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jades Posted February 1, 2009 Report Share Posted February 1, 2009 lol so u like mia she likes u shes smiling look at her lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jades Posted February 1, 2009 Report Share Posted February 1, 2009 they are anxiosly waiting for the ransom for your brush lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted February 1, 2009 Author Report Share Posted February 1, 2009 they are anxiosly waiting for the ransom for your brush lolNah someone is just watching an episode of Doggie soap operas next door and they are transfixed :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jades Posted February 1, 2009 Report Share Posted February 1, 2009 lol maybe they saw the puppy post again or the mailman but i want my ransom lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rael Posted February 1, 2009 Report Share Posted February 1, 2009 Hi RaelHow did it make you feel? I mean, for me its a mixture of two opposites - it was the only thing I was good at, or praised for - but at the same time caused me to be rejected and hurt. Its like thats all there is to me, and so I guess makes me feel even more open to attack, because if all that I am is something to be despised, then I am GOING to be despised. Yet its still that thing I hold on to.I can see that this is a major issue for me to explore in therapy now - its another double bind that I put myself in. If I am not clever, then I will not be accepted and praised for it, but if I am clever then I will be hurt and rejected.made me feel a lot of confusion i guess, much like you said. one one hand teachers loved me for it but everyone else hated me for it. got beat up in school, outside school, despised by all the people i really wanted to love me. now i find myself naturally looking to bosses or higher authority for appreciation because i just dont expect to get it from my peers. i have no faith that things will be any different now people are older because deep down i know they still hold resentment for people who anyone with a brain, like its some kind of threat.i dont tell people i have a degree because i fear their reactions, and also there is the fear of their laughter as they hear i have a degree but am in a shitty job, been told before it means im not that bright after all but they know nothing of the real reasons i dont try for anything better.oddly, throughout all the fear of people knowing and judging me, i still would never give up intelligence for anyone, it still brings me comfort even though it has caused me years of pain.xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted February 1, 2009 Author Report Share Posted February 1, 2009 made me feel a lot of confusion i guess, much like you said. one one hand teachers loved me for it but everyone else hated me for it. got beat up in school, outside school, despised by all the people i really wanted to love me. now i find myself naturally looking to bosses or higher authority for appreciation because i just dont expect to get it from my peers. i have no faith that things will be any different now people are older because deep down i know they still hold resentment for people who anyone with a brain, like its some kind of threat.i dont tell people i have a degree because i fear their reactions, and also there is the fear of their laughter as they hear i have a degree but am in a shitty job, been told before it means im not that bright after all but they know nothing of the real reasons i dont try for anything better.oddly, throughout all the fear of people knowing and judging me, i still would never give up intelligence for anyone, it still brings me comfort even though it has caused me years of pain.xxxHelloWe are the same It feels good to find another one, like me. I didnt think there was another .. not that I am pleased you feel the same, its just knowing you're not alone, yanno ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted February 1, 2009 Report Share Posted February 1, 2009 :grouphug[1]: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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