The Narcissist

[Wobbles]

To explain my mother and our background and history of our relationship would literally turn out to be a novel, so i won't bore anyone with it.

It has dawned on me recently that my mother isn't just a selfish bitch who enjoys hurting people, i've realised she actually has a mental illness. I've been doing some research on NPD and i'm more than convinced that she has it, and possibly traits of other equally difficult to deal with disorders.

*She is incapable of having or showing empathy.- Even when she has experienced similar hurts as others, she's unable to put herself in their shoes, or put their feelings ahead of her own.

*She is self centred, self obsessed, self absorbed- 'It's all about me me me, what i want, how i feel, what i need'

*She has a strong sense of entitlement -'I DESERVE better, how dare you say that to me, who do you think you are, i'm better than this, i deserve to get everything my way'

*She's obsessed with how she appears to others She'll regularly make up stories or lie to people to make herself appear to be better, more successful, or even more suffering than anyone else, she has to be one up all the time

*She only hears the part in what you're saying that is about her, or is an attack on her She's forever on the defensive and is incapable of hearing or reading what you're actually saying

*She has made it clear my whole life that her feelings, wants, needs, thoughts, beliefs and opinions are THE most important and making sure i know that all of mine are insignificant in comparison

*She is chronically cynical, fault finding, critical, judgemental, pessimistic, negative Never has a good word to say about anyone or anything

*She is easily influenced and changes her story, feelings and thoughts and opinions rapidly, often to reflect those of a person she's in awe of at the time She doesn't seem to have a thought of her own

*She's extremely sensitive to criticism To the point where nobody can ever say anything that disagrees with her otherwise she attacks and abuses

*She has a distorted sense of reality She'll twist things inside her head to perpetuate her own sense of victimisation and her reality does not reflect the majority

*She's incapable of being by herself, or living on her own She has always had and needed to have a man in her life

*She's dismissive of other's feelings, thoughts, emotions, beliefs, opinions, needs This has always been invalidating to me

*She has a very distorted idea of love It has always been conditional, changing, non-consitant, used as a bargaining tool, given and then taken away as punishment, very nasty and toxic with one breath, then tells you she loves you in the next

*She is hugely envious of others To the point where is nasty, mean, malicious towards those she's jealous of, including myself

*She expects everyone to comply with her wishes regardless of their own needs etc, and expects everyone to do favours for her for which she does not have to return You should feel privilaged at doing her a favour and should want her acceptance so much that you'd do anything for her

*She does everything for show She puts on a great act to the public, how wonderful she is, how giving, generous, caring and loving she is, and it's all fake

*She contradicts herself constantly She'll say something, then when you remind her she said it, she will argue till she's blue in the face that she didn't say it, accusing you of being crazy or a lier.

*She has always been extremely volatile She will blow up at the slightest things, say whatever comes to mouth, fly off the handle, even physically attack and then wonder why you're still upset an hour later

The above is a very basic outline of my mother.

She also currently seems to be going through some sort of psychotic episode in that she believes everyone in her family is lying to her, keeping things from her just to hurt her, she is depressed, confused, and lashing out to all around her.

Understanding all of this means i think i will find it easier to deal with when i find out the things she's been saying about me, which i find to be very hurtful. She has recently caused trouble between myself and another family member because she has repeated things that have been said, but in doing that, she has twisted everything that has been said to suit her imagination. I realise that a lot of the family troubles when i was child, were mostly due to my mother and the habit she has of twisting everything everyone says, reading things into what people say, taking offense at silly things and over reacting.

As she gets older, she gets worse. She is in complete denial that she has a real problem, and therefore doesn't see that anything is wrong, or that she's doing anything wrong, and is progressively alienating herself and others. Sabotaging relationships and causing ill feelings between other members of the family.

I cannot deal with her anymore. Back in November i cut contact with her. I thought this would help, however, things have not changed as she continues to bitch about me, and continues to go down the slippery slope of insanity that she's travelling on, and hurting me on her way down.

I'm soon returning to Australia and will be staying with my sisters who lives 5 minutes from my mother, i'm very worried and anxious about how i'm going to cope with my mother, when i know she'll want to see my son. I know i will need to set boundaries which i can't allow her to cross, but i've been conditioned all these years to believe she is right, she is the most important person, and that my needs and feelings are insignificant.

She causes me so much anxiety and pain. Just the mere thought of her triggers an extreme emotional response. Yet my sister is able to let it slide off her like water off a ducks back. This makes me wonder why. I have several theories, however the most significant is that i too am fucked up, because of her.

If anyone has actually managed to read any of this, thank you.

But my questions are these:

Has anyone had a parent with NPD?

How do you cope with them?

What strategies have you put in place with regards to setting and sticking to boundaries?

How do i find a way of not letting her behaviour affect me so adversely?

Is it possible to have CPTSD because of the ongoing treatment by my mother?

How do i give up hope that one day she'll 'come around' and see the damage she's done and change and be the mum i've always needed and wanted?

How do i cope with this feeling that i've always been rejected by my own mother since birth?

Where do i find the love and acceptance that a child needs from their mother, as an adult?

I realise that more than likely, no one here will be able to answer these questions, and that the answers may not even exist, but the questions remain, and will do so until they're answered.

I will, until that day, be filled with grief, hurt, sadness, a broken heart, anger, frustration, self hatred, emptyness and confusion.

[MettaMan]

Your mother reminds me a great deal of my own. I'm older and she's long dead so I don't have much to offer as to how to deal with her. In the context of BPD, having a mother with this condition would contribute to the invalidating environment that leads one to have a poor understanding of and ability to control their emotions.

I'd suggest a couple of things. At this point the damage is done and there's nothing you can ask of her. Her limitations aren't your responsibility and the best you can do is forgive her and move on. As you work to resolve your own issues, I'm guessing the less contact you have with her, the better. It sounds like you've been denied the emotional assurance and coaching that every child needs. Hopefully you can find a therapist who understands that and has a plan for dealing with it.

[roxy222]

To explain my mother and our background and history of our relationship would literally turn out to be a novel, so i won't bore anyone with it.

It has dawned on me recently that my mother isn't just a selfish bitch who enjoys hurting people, i've realised she actually has a mental illness. I've been doing some research on NPD and i'm more than convinced that she has it, and possibly traits of other equally difficult to deal with disorders.

*She is incapable of having or showing empathy.- Even when she has experienced similar hurts as others, she's unable to put herself in their shoes, or put their feelings ahead of her own.

*She is self centred, self obsessed, self absorbed- 'It's all about me me me, what i want, how i feel, what i need'

*She has a strong sense of entitlement -'I DESERVE better, how dare you say that to me, who do you think you are, i'm better than this, i deserve to get everything my way'

*She's obsessed with how she appears to others She'll regularly make up stories or lie to people to make herself appear to be better, more successful, or even more suffering than anyone else, she has to be one up all the time

*She only hears the part in what you're saying that is about her, or is an attack on her She's forever on the defensive and is incapable of hearing or reading what you're actually saying

*She has made it clear my whole life that her feelings, wants, needs, thoughts, beliefs and opinions are THE most important and making sure i know that all of mine are insignificant in comparison

*She is chronically cynical, fault finding, critical, judgemental, pessimistic, negative Never has a good word to say about anyone or anything

*She is easily influenced and changes her story, feelings and thoughts and opinions rapidly, often to reflect those of a person she's in awe of at the time She doesn't seem to have a thought of her own

*She's extremely sensitive to criticism To the point where nobody can ever say anything that disagrees with her otherwise she attacks and abuses

*She has a distorted sense of reality She'll twist things inside her head to perpetuate her own sense of victimisation and her reality does not reflect the majority

*She's incapable of being by herself, or living on her own She has always had and needed to have a man in her life

*She's dismissive of other's feelings, thoughts, emotions, beliefs, opinions, needs This has always been invalidating to me

*She has a very distorted idea of love It has always been conditional, changing, non-consitant, used as a bargaining tool, given and then taken away as punishment, very nasty and toxic with one breath, then tells you she loves you in the next

*She is hugely envious of others To the point where is nasty, mean, malicious towards those she's jealous of, including myself

*She expects everyone to comply with her wishes regardless of their own needs etc, and expects everyone to do favours for her for which she does not have to return You should feel privilaged at doing her a favour and should want her acceptance so much that you'd do anything for her

*She does everything for show She puts on a great act to the public, how wonderful she is, how giving, generous, caring and loving she is, and it's all fake

*She contradicts herself constantly She'll say something, then when you remind her she said it, she will argue till she's blue in the face that she didn't say it, accusing you of being crazy or a lier.

*She has always been extremely volatile She will blow up at the slightest things, say whatever comes to mouth, fly off the handle, even physically attack and then wonder why you're still upset an hour later

The above is a very basic outline of my mother.

She also currently seems to be going through some sort of psychotic episode in that she believes everyone in her family is lying to her, keeping things from her just to hurt her, she is depressed, confused, and lashing out to all around her.

Understanding all of this means i think i will find it easier to deal with when i find out the things she's been saying about me, which i find to be very hurtful. She has recently caused trouble between myself and another family member because she has repeated things that have been said, but in doing that, she has twisted everything that has been said to suit her imagination. I realise that a lot of the family troubles when i was child, were mostly due to my mother and the habit she has of twisting everything everyone says, reading things into what people say, taking offense at silly things and over reacting.

As she gets older, she gets worse. She is in complete denial that she has a real problem, and therefore doesn't see that anything is wrong, or that she's doing anything wrong, and is progressively alienating herself and others. Sabotaging relationships and causing ill feelings between other members of the family.

I cannot deal with her anymore. Back in November i cut contact with her. I thought this would help, however, things have not changed as she continues to bitch about me, and continues to go down the slippery slope of insanity that she's travelling on, and hurting me on her way down.

I'm soon returning to Australia and will be staying with my sisters who lives 5 minutes from my mother, i'm very worried and anxious about how i'm going to cope with my mother, when i know she'll want to see my son. I know i will need to set boundaries which i can't allow her to cross, but i've been conditioned all these years to believe she is right, she is the most important person, and that my needs and feelings are insignificant.

She causes me so much anxiety and pain. Just the mere thought of her triggers an extreme emotional response. Yet my sister is able to let it slide off her like water off a ducks back. This makes me wonder why. I have several theories, however the most significant is that i too am fucked up, because of her.

If anyone has actually managed to read any of this, thank you.

But my questions are these:

Has anyone had a parent with NPD?

How do you cope with them?

What strategies have you put in place with regards to setting and sticking to boundaries?

How do i find a way of not letting her behaviour affect me so adversely?

Is it possible to have CPTSD because of the ongoing treatment by my mother?

How do i give up hope that one day she'll 'come around' and see the damage she's done and change and be the mum i've always needed and wanted?

How do i cope with this feeling that i've always been rejected by my own mother since birth?

Where do i find the love and acceptance that a child needs from their mother, as an adult?

I realise that more than likely, no one here will be able to answer these questions, and that the answers may not even exist, but the questions remain, and will do so until they're answered.

I will, until that day, be filled with grief, hurt, sadness, a broken heart, anger, frustration, self hatred, emptyness and confusion.

well first off you dont just wait for that day to appear, you decide on it for yourself

have you read finding normal? sickened?

these mothers are mine. a hollow empty void who used me to fill her. i existed only as she saw me, only to validate her. i was trained for before birth for this purpose. i was born dead to her mistreatment of starvation and drugs, had my scull cracked at 3 months by her, was labeld 'failure to thrive'. she then went back to work, as a social worker of all things, while handing me over to be baby sat by a peado ring. i was not allowed an identity of my own, i was not allowed feelings of my own, even my body was her proerty, i was not hungry unless she said so, i was not sick until she declared me so. i left at 15 and have never been near her since. it was my savior.

if she has had no regard for your boundaries until now then she never will

not letting her behavour effect you? dont let her behave that way, as in dont give her the opportunity by not putting yourself and your son at risk like that

i had cptsd from s/a, but retruamatisation from my mtohers abiuse made it worse

it takes along time to give up the flase illusions that a child clings to for survival. understand that, understand and have compassion for the pain you went through as a little kid. to survive we have to believe a parent is good, we are depndant on them. but that is our childhood reality, not our presnt day one. once we recognise and feel the truth of what we went through we will nolonger repeat this reality in our adult lives because it will have served its purpose of communicate the truth to us. we can grieve for this and then see that as adults we do not need to cling to the same illusions (by clinging to these we are effectively retruamatising ourselves). an abusive parent will not change as they have a vested intrest in the relationship as it is, she is getting her needs met by the way you resopond to her, she has no reason to change. even if you cut ties she will still be the same person, but you can be free.

you cannot find or make up for the loss that your mothers lack of care has created. the care of a mother is esential for a childs survival, the need for the child to be cared for, have its need met, its experince echoed and mirrored back to them, but this is necessary in the time after birth to roughly 5. this is the childs first attachment experience and once that chance is lost it is lost. as adults we do not need another indiviudal to respond to us as a mother should have. once thsi chance is gone we will allways feel its absence, but what we can do if we stop seeking this need to be filled by the mother who failed us then, or by others who we seek as subsitutes for her, is to grieve for this loss and to find what we do need in the present. care and respect for whta we went through, adult relationships with hoenst communication, and care and protection from ourselves.

do you really think its a good idea to expose your son to her? i wouldnt let my mother near any part of my life incase she spread her subtle poison again. if you know her to be evil then how can she be anything less to your son?

have a read of alice miller, start with drama.

bets of luckx

[roxy222]

Your mother reminds me a great deal of my own. I'm older and she's long dead so I don't have much to offer as to how to deal with her. In the context of BPD, having a mother with this condition would contribute to the invalidating environment that leads one to have a poor understanding of and ability to control their emotions.

I'd suggest a couple of things. At this point the damage is done and there's nothing you can ask of her. Her limitations aren't your responsibility and the best you can do is forgive her and move on. As you work to resolve your own issues, I'm guessing the less contact you have with her, the better. It sounds like you've been denied the emotional assurance and coaching that every child needs. Hopefully you can find a therapist who understands that and has a plan for dealing with it.

i think forgiveness is a very dangerous thing. it diminishes the truama the child went through which means we remained detached for ourselves and our true feelings. forgiveness is an illusion that gets in the way of moving on.

[Shelley]

I was in hospital when Paul my son was 5 so are you saying I have damaged him?

[lucy]

No shelly, but it does affect them, i know me being in hospital affect my 2.

How do i give up hope that one day she'll 'come around' and see the damage she's done and change and be the mum i've always needed and wanted?

she wont change, all you can do it try not to let it affect you, how i dont know therpay/ work through it its hard

[jenga]

Hi

I personally wouldn't wait for that day.. at all. I doubt it would ever happen, actually, and the bottom line is that it changes nothing that has happened- you can't get those years back, and change how they have helped form you.

My mother is very similar to yours, very. before I was dx, I went through years of not understanding, full of hurt and tears and all of it. A little needy kid never getting what I want or need.

The best thing for me was to stop banging my head against the wall. to stop letting her do this to me. I went from sad to mad and always back to sad and hurt. Not I let myself get angry, and mostly I just don't even "go there' with her. I limit contact a lot. I make it on my own terms. And I realize that she cannot heal me or make me happy or change or get it or anything.

I think she sucks as being a mother and I actually despise her as a person. Ok, so she has a problem. So do I.. but at least I have worked on mine, and have tried to change things so that my kids have never felt that kind of neglect and invalidation. I don't fault her for having issues- they probably come from somewhere! But I don't respect her choices and like I said, I don't even like her.

Already in this post I have spent more than enough time "with" her. On to more productive things....

[MettaMan]

i think forgiveness is a very dangerous thing. it diminishes the truama the child went through which means we remained detached for ourselves and our true feelings. forgiveness is an illusion that gets in the way of moving on.

I'd been considering forgiveness from the viewpoint of not carrying around negativity from the past that would color ones view of the present. I found this on the web: http://healandforgive.blogspot.com/

This quote from the site supports your point: "the attempts I made to forgive before I'd learned to exercise personal boundaries - left me open to further injury and damaged me deeply."

The author makes the point that forgiveness is necessary for healing but needs to be the final stage of the process. I'm glad you caused me to look into it further.

[nuclearwinter]

my mother's mother had NPD and treated her like a slave catered to satisfy her every personal whim. She was NPD to the max. She treated my mother very bady all her life. My mother had a nervous breakdown and premature menopause because of her. When my NPD grandmother died aged 86, my mother didn't shed a tear and came home and made a cup of tea and watched the chat shows like she had just gone shopping or something. She thought 'That old bat will not torment me further'. My mother later went to see a psychic medium and her mother came through. The medium said 'This is not a very fluffy woman, she demands to be treated like a queen', the medium said my grandmother recognised she was not fit for motherhood but refused to say she was sorry!!!!! nNPD even beyond the grave!

nuclear x

[roxy222]

i think forgiveness is a very dangerous thing. it diminishes the truama the child went through which means we remained detached for ourselves and our true feelings. forgiveness is an illusion that gets in the way of moving on.

I'd been considering forgiveness from the viewpoint of not carrying around negativity from the past that would color ones view of the present. I found this on the web: http://healandforgive.blogspot.com/

This quote from the site supports your point: "the attempts I made to forgive before I'd learned to exercise personal boundaries - left me open to further injury and damaged me deeply."

The author makes the point that forgiveness is necessary for healing but needs to be the final stage of the process. I'm glad you caused me to look into it further.

i dont think forgiveness is the final step of the process either, i think when you get to that stage you no longer need to buy into false illusions like forgiveness, you move on and such ideas can be seen as they truely are, false

[Wobbles]

I have found everyone's responses to be very interesting. I find it very bazaar that most of us with BPD have had contact with a parent who has displayed very strong NPD characteristics, and mostly mothers.

Forgiveness is something i struggle with. I do belive that to forgive, is to contribute to the invalidation i have always felt. That to forgive, allows the person to 'get away with it' so to speak, and wipe away all the hurt i've ever felt as if it never existed. I am not in a position right now to forgive my mother for the damage she has done to me, and i don't know that i ever will. On one hand, i think she knows what she's done and what she's doing, but then other times i realise that she actually has no clue whatsoever. But that does not mean she can't be held accountable for her actions.

As has been said, i'm in a position to be able to change past behviour and habits, and decide what sort of future i want for my son, which is vastly different to the up bringing i had.

My mother too had the choice to break habits of generations, decide to do things differently and learn from past mistakes, somthing she's totally incapable of doing, as she makes the same mistakes over and over again. She does not have the intellectual, or th emotional intelligence and more importantly, the self awareness to see her behaviour, learn from mistakes, and make positive changes.

It is very much easier said than done, to not let her get to me, and not let her hurt me, and not let her be in a position where she is able to hurt me. My emotional reactions which are unconscious and habit, are difficult to break and change, regardless of what intellectual decisions or steps i make to limit or minimise the amount of contact, or potential damage.

I do not want her being around my son, and certainly will never let him stay with her without supervision. I feel i am in a similar position to Ross though, in that i find it very hard to acknowledge that what she has done to me amounts to abuse. She has always put on such a good act, that to speak about my mother to anyone else has always felt somewhat forbidden and disloyal, and the conditioning she has illicited, means i have a sense of guilt to keep my son away from her. Believe it or not, i'm still conditioned to feel as though her feelings are more important, and to actually care about her.

I feel i lost both of my parents the night my father killed himself. The difference between my dad and my mum is that the damage my fathers suicide caused was final, and while i was deeply affected by the event, it has not been ongoing abuse, neglect, rejection etc. My mother has continued to stick the knife in and twist it, and i wish she had literally died the same day as my dad.

I often wonder how i'd feel if she died, and i've played the scenario in my head many times, and to be honest, i don't think i'd be upset at all. I don't like her, i don't feel love for her. All i feel is anger, hurt, disappointment, emptyness and sadness, rejection and neglect.

I hate the thought that i'll never get those first 6 years of my life bck, which are the crucial first 6 years of life. And even though i'm an adult, i still need a mother. Everyone needs their mum from time to time, regardless of how old you are, and i will always have a sense of longing for the mother i have always needed.

I realise most people, and most things i've read, basically say to move on, forget about her, get shot of her, have nothing to do with her, and get over it. I just wish it was that easy. Intellectually, i know the answers, my emotions are much slower to catch on, accept, understand and change.

[Wobbles]

A very interesting link i found had the following information:

There are many issues connected with surviving an Narcissistic parent. Some of those issues are listed below with a variety of articles, links and recovery tools for support and research. The impact of the N abuse on a child has many repercussions which may include:

PTSD

Feeling voiceless

Suppression of many feelings to accommodate the raging-shaming-blaming of the Nparent which may result in the child of an N not being able to feel safe or permitted to express their anger, grief, sadness, fear or other emotions

Chronic low-grade or clinical depression, which may vary in seriousness from mild melancholy to total paralysis and may have an emphasis in anxiety, sadness or both

Panic attacks

Abandonment depression

Unhealing grief

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder or traits

Self-mutilation, self-cutting

Self-hair-pulling

Pica

Eating disorders such as anorexia, bulimia and obesity

Living in a messy environment

Not maintaining personal hygiene

Isolating

Feeling uncomfortable without dramarama

Attempting to self-medicate for depression or PTSD with other self-destructive habits

Boundary issues

Dependency issues

Co-dependency issues

Repeated relationships with emotional or physical abusers

Obsessing

Compulsivity

Migraines

Emotional and social issues connected with PTSD:

Eating disorders such as anorexia, bulimia and obesity

Addictions to alcohol and/or drugs:

12-step recovery process links and articles

OCD

Deprivation issues and/or deprivation addiction

Needing to detox from years of psychological/emotional/spiritual/physical abuse

Splitting and dissociation

Self-destructive habits such as self-mutilation

Self hair-pulling

Not knowing how to feel emotions in healthy ways: anger, sadness, grieving

Mood swings

Promiscuity

Reactive Borderline Personality disorder traits

Feeling like their meaning in life is to be their Nparent's container

Feeling F.O.G. -fear-obligation-guilt as a continuous state

Abandonment issues

Stockholm Syndrome

If i, and everyone else was to put a star beside the things that are relevant to them, i wonder if our diagnoses would make so much more sense.

[AveMaria]

Hey, I read your first post awhile ago, and it was so familiar... it sounded like you were talking about me and my mom. I couldn't think of anything to write though, as I don't deal with it at all. I believe that the only way I personally would be able to do the things that your questions asked about, would be to realize that I deserve more and to take time to let myself heal. Once I was able to feel that I am a worthwhile person, that no matter how I feel I was only a child and a child isn't the same as an adult. It isn't even possible that I deserved how I was treated, when a baby is born it has a right to love and security... whether my parents said that I didn't or not, that shouldn't make me look bad, it only reflects badly on them. I need to realize that they aren't right about me and that they don't know me. I need to internalize that even though I have only had one person love me unconditionally and he died, that that doesn't mean that just because he was in the minority that he was wrong. I need to realize that the past is the past, and I need to try to move on. It only hurts me to let the past continue to haunt me and ruin my life.

In regards to your second post,

PTSD - I have many symptoms of it, but not diagnosed.

* Feeling voiceless

* Suppression of many feelings to accommodate the raging-shaming-blaming of the Nparent which may result in the child of an N not being able to feel safe or permitted to express their anger, grief, sadness, fear or other emotions

* Chronic low-grade or clinical depression, which may vary in seriousness from mild melancholy to total paralysis and may have an emphasis in anxiety, sadness or both

* Panic attacks

* Abandonment depression

* Unhealing grief

* Obsessive Compulsive Disorder or traits

* Self-mutilation, self-cutting

Self-hair-pulling

Pica

Eating disorders such as anorexia, bulimia and obesity

Living in a messy environment

Not maintaining personal hygiene - kinda, I always have to look nice, but I won't let myself get expensive highlights or manicures all the time since I don't feel that I am deserving of them, so I suppose I have a little of that trait.

* Isolating

* Feeling uncomfortable without dramarama

* Attempting to self-medicate for depression or PTSD with other self-destructive habits

* Boundary issues

* Dependency issues

* Co-dependency issues

Repeated relationships with emotional or physical abusers

* Obsessing

* Compulsivity

* Migraines

Emotional and social issues connected with PTSD:

Eating disorders such as anorexia, bulimia and obesity

Addictions to alcohol and/or drugs:

12-step recovery process links and articles

OCD

Deprivation issues and/or deprivation addiction

* Needing to detox from years of psychological/emotional/spiritual/physical abuse

* Splitting and dissociation

* Self-destructive habits such as self-mutilation

Self hair-pulling

* Not knowing how to feel emotions in healthy ways: anger, sadness, grieving

* Mood swings

Promiscuity

* Reactive Borderline Personality disorder traits

* Feeling like their meaning in life is to be their Nparent's container

* Feeling F.O.G. -fear-obligation-guilt as a continuous state

* Abandonment issues

* Stockholm Syndrome

That is so amazing to me that there is actually an article that makes it seem as if it is ok to feel the way I do, that I have a valid reason for having all these issues, that perhaps my entire family isn't right. That maybe the problem is with them more than with me. That I didn't deserve the eighteen years of hell. Thanks for posting it! Although it made me sad that I can't actually feel that maybe I am not worthless, it is nice to know that perhaps out there is someone who would feel that way and show me how to do the same!

xxx

[Wobbles]

Ave, i'm glad it helped. It has helped me greatly, and i'm already starting to feel a bit better about the whole situation. It is validation for how we feel, and you're right, it's a reflection of our parents, not of us. there is bloody good reason we are the way we are, and it'snot because we're worthless or pathetic losers.

[hummm_mabbe]

Hi Wobbles

Im sorry you are feeling this way, it sounds like so much has come down on you at once. That can be truly overwhelming.

She causes me so much anxiety and pain. Just the mere thought of her triggers an extreme emotional response. Yet my sister is able to let it slide off her like water off a ducks back. This makes me wonder why. I have several theories, however the most significant is that i too am fucked up, because of her.

Different siblings emulate different parents, almost like a process of evolution, If one sibling has that base covered, you will go for a different one. If you respond like a family member who tends to feel guilty and upset, then your reactions will reflect guilt and upset. If your siblings response is more similar to your mothers, then she will not feel the burn so much, especially if her need for approval is not so great. She may counter-attack this need by acting more entitled, and so getting more, than you. In addition, because of attachment processes, the difference in family environment and relative health of parents during yours and your siblings childhoods mean that each child will grow up with a different attachment pattern. Is there an age gap between you and your sibling? Having the same parents does not mean that you experience the environment the same way - parent emulation and physical and emotional environment at the time of childhood define your attachment style. It actually makes more sense that you are NOT like your sister, because its rare that both siblings choose to emulate the same coping style in a codependent, and so extremely "competitive for limited emotional resources", family environment

Has anyone had a parent with NPD?

How do you cope with them?

What strategies have you put in place with regards to setting and sticking to boundaries?

How do i find a way of not letting her behaviour affect me so adversely?

Is it possible to have CPTSD because of the ongoing treatment by my mother?

How do i give up hope that one day she'll 'come around' and see the damage she's done and change and be the mum i've always needed and wanted?

How do i cope with this feeling that i've always been rejected by my own mother since birth?

Where do i find the love and acceptance that a child needs from their mother, as an adult?

My mum certainly had narcissistic traits. I did not cope with her, and I dont see her now. The way I am coping with it is to heal in my own right, so that I become strong enough to find happiness in other areas of my life. The aim for me is to no longer act out the patterns of the past with the people currently in my life - new people, friends, romantic relationships. To break the cyclical tie to the past. I realise that you cannot change a parent. That internal change and healing is what will allow you to deal with her, accept whats shes like, to cope with the feelings of rejection and learn to counter-act them via healthy relatioships in the present. Similarly this is where that love and acceptance must come from, but as long as you are living out the cycles of the past in your present, you will prevent yourself from getting what you need now.

This is an immensely short reply, and cannot possibly cover the depth of what has shaped your life - I hope that it does not seem dismissive. Personally my feelings are that deep healing is needed in situations like this, and for me that is via long term therapy that processes the issues of the past - but you knew Id say that really didnt you?

Yes CPTSD could have come from her treatment of you - it is a long term accumluation of stresses in the basence of soothing and nurturance.

You may like to have a look at some books on narcissism, such as "why is it always about you" or "Narcissism" by Alexander Lowen. Another book worth reading is "The gaslight effect" by Robin Stern as it will reflect relationships dynamics with a narcissist.

[Wobbles]

|Thanks for your reply Ross, i was hoping to hear from you.

[hummm_mabbe]

|Thanks for your reply Ross, i was hoping to hear from you.

You're welcome

I wanted to say also, when I speak to my mum on the phone, or even get a text from her, its like someone has just injected me with some horrible drug. I feel depressed, overwhelmed, angry, trapped - all in the space of a second.

OOHHHH that reminds me of another good book to read with this in mind - Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Susan Forward.

Sounds like you are going through the mill right now :(

[Wobbles]

Just have a lot to figure out in a short space of time. Among other things. I'm currently looking at adult attachment styles and earned security, as was recommended by my T.

[hummm_mabbe]

Just have a lot to figure out in a short space of time. Among other things. I'm currently looking at adult attachment styles and earned security, as was recommended by my T.

Why the time pressure wobbles? :(

[Wobbles]

Just have a lot to figure out in a short space of time. Among other things. I'm currently looking at adult attachment styles and earned security, as was recommended by my T.

Why the time pressure wobbles?

I'm going back to Australia in a months time to live, and staying with my sister who lives very close to my mother, and i desperately need to find coping strategies for when i arrive as i know there will be trouble and i need to know how to deal with my feelings.

Thanks for asking Ross.

[hummm_mabbe]

Just have a lot to figure out in a short space of time. Among other things. I'm currently looking at adult attachment styles and earned security, as was recommended by my T.

Why the time pressure wobbles?

I'm going back to Australia in a months time to live, and staying with my sister who lives very close to my mother, and i desperately need to find coping strategies for when i arrive as i know there will be trouble and i need to know how to deal with my feelings.

Thanks for asking Ross.

Hmm okies

Well, the book "why is it always about you" and also "the gaslight effect" will give broader coping strategies, though a month is not going to be enough to really make a scratch on the BPD / dysthymia. Im curious as to why your T is recommending you learn about attachment theory. It will give you insight, but a month is not enough to apply "attachment-based" therapy approaches as they rely on the therapeutic relationship. Is your T aware that you are leaving soon?

Mabbe it will be good to call ahead and set yourself up some initial sessions with prospective new T's in Oz? Once you are back in the family environment your problems are going to get re-triggered and you need some support.

[Wobbles]

Yeah he's aware i'm going and has given me two appointments per week until i leave. We're both aware that we're not going to be able to do much in that time, but it's better than nothing, and i'm grateful for what we're working on.

Earned security he recommended i look up as a side issue really. Sort of how to see how people with attachment issues from childhood can go on to have meaningful relationships and happy lives. As i basically asked if there was hope for me. The attachment styles is something i'd already been looking into as i find it interesting, and relevant.

To be honest, i don't know what sort of mental health services there are in Australia, and i can't afford to pay a private therapist, so i'm not really sure of what steps i can take ahead of time. My T is going to write a discharge letter and hopeflly he'll put in as much information as possible that i can hand to my next T. I'm worried about starting from scratch again as i know that finding a good T is difficult.

What we're working on currently is my emotional responses to Mother, why i feel the need to know what she's been saying about me and working out undetailed ways of coping with her eg. setting realistic boundaries etc.

Hopefully, we'll have time to talk about some basic diffusion techniques, and coping strategies.

There are so many books i want to read, the two you mentioned above included, but i really can't afford it at the moment which is pissing me off. I've read th amazon excerpt on the gaslight effect and found it very interesting, for now i'm having to rely on what's internet-free based.

[jenga]

Oh my gosh, Wobbles. I just read the part in your post about your father killing himself. My heart just sank so fast.

I am so very sorry. I cannot even imagine. I lost my own father, the "good parent" to a heart attack about 25 years ago, way too early.

Suicide leaves such scars for the living, whatever people's lives were like, or your relationship with them. I just wanted to tell you that your loss saddens me.

[roxy222]

Yeah he's aware i'm going and has given me two appointments per week until i leave. We're both aware that we're not going to be able to do much in that time, but it's better than nothing, and i'm grateful for what we're working on.

Earned security he recommended i look up as a side issue really. Sort of how to see how people with attachment issues from childhood can go on to have meaningful relationships and happy lives. As i basically asked if there was hope for me. The attachment styles is something i'd already been looking into as i find it interesting, and relevant.

To be honest, i don't know what sort of mental health services there are in Australia, and i can't afford to pay a private therapist, so i'm not really sure of what steps i can take ahead of time. My T is going to write a discharge letter and hopeflly he'll put in as much information as possible that i can hand to my next T. I'm worried about starting from scratch again as i know that finding a good T is difficult.

What we're working on currently is my emotional responses to Mother, why i feel the need to know what she's been saying about me and working out undetailed ways of coping with her eg. setting realistic boundaries etc.

Hopefully, we'll have time to talk about some basic diffusion techniques, and coping strategies.

There are so many books i want to read, the two you mentioned above included, but i really can't afford it at the moment which is pissing me off. I've read th amazon excerpt on the gaslight effect and found it very interesting, for now i'm having to rely on what's internet-free based.

i was a classic wobbler style of attachemnt disorder, and i have meaningful relationships now, with boyf, friends, friends parents, colleges, so it can be done.

[Roses]

My Grandma was diagnosed with a 'personality disorder' a long, long, long time ago and although we don't know which type it is highly likely to be NPD due to he behaviour. She is 92 now and has not changed at all, ever. My Dad left home with the shirt on his back and 6 shillings when he was 16 (1958). He had no contact until he had his first child (1972) and my Mum talked him into re-uniting the family, she hadn't been at his Wedding in 1966). He regrets this bitterly as she has brought much heartache to us all. Personally I could have done without a Grandma who told you (when you were a small child) she preferred boys to girls and supported my brothers a whole lot more than she ever did me. She has always played selfish, cruel games with our feelings and although my parents do so much for her the minute they turn their backs she is slagging them off to her 'friends' about how for the one minute they are not there she has been 'abandoned' and offered no support. I could go on all day with different scenarios and experiences. Anyways just wanted to share with you from a Granddaughters point of view.

I agree with Roxy that forgiveness is hyped up and over-rated. Perhaps the final stage of recovery is acceptance?? xxx