Empathy And Identifying With Outsiders

[Roses]

I accept your apology Blue80. Thanks, it means a lot to me. Here's a hug back (((((((((((Blue80)))))))))))))) xxx

[blue80]

I accept your apology Blue80. Thanks, it means a lot to me. Here's a hug back (((((((((((Blue80)))))))))))))) xxx

Thanks Roses, it means a lot to me too. I hate conflict. Big hugs to you too xxx

[SwissRoll]

I accept your apology Blue80. Thanks, it means a lot to me. Here's a hug back (((((((((((Blue80)))))))))))))) xxx

Thanks Roses, it means a lot to me too. I hate conflict. Big hugs to you too xxx

How sweet are you guys.xxxxxxxxx

[blue80]

If only all of life's difficulties could be solved so easily!! xxxx

[aurorablues]

Blue80 your little cat avatar is so cute :D

[blue80]

Blue80 your little cat avatar is so cute

He's a bit of a crazy cat but I love him!!!

[Data]

I would like to re-visit this old topic which is triggering. I have had a chance to think about this sort of thing again, now that I am starting to move on psychologically from the bad place that I was in.

I was wrong to say I have no empathy towards babies. I recall when my daughter was born in 2001. They just left her on a table in the delivery room, and my wife was taken away to clean up on the shower. I was fascinated by this baby, who was just minutes old. I felt guilty about leaving her, but realistically it was the middle of the night, and I had to drive home on the dual carriageway. Children and babies can be frustrating, but it does not mean that you don't love them. I remember when I used to wrap my baby daughter up and hold her, when she had colic she would bang her little fists on my chest in frustration, and I would take her for a walk out in the woods, and the trees would soothe her.

In the past, my empathy has been blocked. This is often the case with BPD; the new DSM speaks of 'blocked empathy'. If you are very mentally troubled yourself, all you can do is focus on your own problems. Also, if you can't understand how others are feeling, or why, then you can't empathise with them. Know, my empathy has been unblocked through therapy, its actually painful sometimes to feel for others.

It is also possible to have two (or more!) opposing feelings towards someone. And the feelings need not necessarily have the same intensity. So, you can feel disgust and anger towards someone, but also feel sorry for them. Sometimes if I say I have just one feeling, I think I am wrong, I am using 'black-and-white thinking'.

I think perhaps this was how I felt about the character in the TV documentary that I watched, who happened to be a paedophile. He came across as a likeable guy. But lets not forget that this was a drama, it is fiction, they can make someone out to be whatever they want. Since I wrote this topic I have come across several victims of paedophiles, and seen the immense damage that they do. I have listened to how manipulative they can be, and how they often combine emotional with sexual abuse.

[jam-parker]

I would just like to share some things I have realised about myself which I have found complicated and uncomfortable but... helpful to understand.

I have had some realisations recently about empathy. It is a characteristic of my personality disorder that I have little empathy for other people, I am mostly concerned about my own problems.

Several people in the past (e.g. nurses) have told me that I don't care about other people at all. Recently, through counselling, I have realised that I do sometimes have empathy, but its only very brief.. maybe for a second or two. Then, my feelings turn back to worrying about my own problems. This realisation has helped me a lot.

Then I noticed that I occasionally have more empathy for some people. However, it tends to be unpopular people like outsiders and underdogs, and people who are disliked by everyone. For example, people with behaviour problems or fat cat executives that are being vilified at the moment for receiving big bonusses despite the recession.

I had to think why I have empathy with these sorts of people and I think it is because I can identify with them, in the sense that I have always felt like an outsider whom nodody else really understands. I feel like it is <i>me against the world</i>.

I have little empathy for babies, because babies do not offer me anything. And, I can't identify with them.

It is possible that I want to be different to people, so I support with the people that nobody else does. I struggle to get a payoff in life through being "normal", e.g. I have very few friends. So, I try and be different and the oddball. I don't really understand this properly so I am going to think about this some more.

These are useful realisations to me. Perhaps I can use them to:

<ul><li>Feel more empathy for people by focussing on what we have in common maybe, this might not work but I can give it a go.</li><li>Avoid falling into the trap of supporting destructive people.</li><li>Avoid falling into the other trap (perhaps without realising it) of being too harsh with people that I struggle to identify with.</li></ul>

I usually say a lot and use heavy words but not this time.

I understand, Just BE!

xx. j.