'i Hold My Hands Up And Admit I Was Wrong'

[toaster]

Ok, so you will get the gist of why I left T group from these letters. However. I want to say what freaked the group out (*gulp*).

I sent some messages to another member. The general basis of these messages was that I was going to find out where T lived and gas myself in his car, just to get my revenge (never a good day for anyone, finding a corpse in their car). At the time, I was totally fixated, bitter and resentful, a quiet, burning rage inside me. I actually really wanted to carry this 'threat' out. I think, when I sent the messages, I had reached the conclusion that the T would just go higher in his self esteem if I did this - once he had gotten over the initial 'holy crap, there's a body in my car!' shock, he would like the fact that a patient had gone to such lengths for him. So I sent te messages IN ORDER to freak people out. It worked (am sure you can see why).

Now, with a calm, SANE®, RATIONAL state of mind, I see how utterly alarming this REALLY is. I am so embarrased. I am posting this here because I think it's a good day when we can acknowledge and openly admit our mistakes.

Ok, so here are the letters I e-mailed this week. The first one is to T group, the second to the unfortunate T who became the centre of my fixation.

Dear Group,

This is to explain my behaviour. I also apologise if I seem 'short' in this letter, but it will end up 20 pages long if I don't get to the point.

1) I had paranoia and was delusional from the drugs. I was also very depressed but didn't recognise it at the time.

2) I push services away when I feel threatened but don't recognise it at the time.

3) I genuinely believed everything I thought and felt to the point I didn't stop to question myself.

4) I believed people didn't want me in the group. I believed I made people uncomfortable. I believed attending was causing me more problems and that defeated the object of the group.

I didn't share any of these things for precisely the reasons I just said - I believed them to the point I accepted them as fact. Only in realising I was wrong did I see I was holding onto a personal belief rather than an opinion. I didn't recognise that before. I know now, however, that what I think or feel doesn't have be correct and nor is it the responsibilty of others. I am saying this yet still feel as though the group don't want me there. These feelings are very real to me, they make me extremely anxious and I get defensive which shows itself in other ways eg anger etc. It's impossible to be rational when you think you are being so already!

Now I have finally become aware of these things, I would like to apologise to the group, in particular about the messages I sent. I feel guilty for taking out feelings that belong to me on other people. I can see why people would be totally freaked out by what I said. I really am sorry. I don't know what else to say. I feel stupid and embarrassed. My feelings weren't my fault but the way I handled them was my responsibilty.

I hope the group are willing to give me another chance. I need to recognise when I am doing these things but can't on my own. I can't cope socially because of al these things. Being in the group with so many others is the best chance I have of learning better ways of handling my thoughts and feelings.

I will be writing to (name of T) seperately explaining why I was so angry and the thinking (or lack of) behind the messages I sent.. It will be up to him as to whether he shares it.

Hope to see you soon

Louise

Dear (name of T),

I'm guessing, as a psychotherapist, you don't need me to explain my behaviour to you; but I want to. It's the right thing to do (I think), acknowledging and taking responsibility for my mistakes.

I had built you up in my mind as someone who could fix me. I thought you held the answers for me. I only realised this when I discovered you couldn't do this and (as you are aware) I became angry. I'm sorry. I'm still angry, but not at you. I'm angry that I can't be fixed, that I am stuck being me, that the best I can do is learn to recognise when I am being 'BPD'. I directed this anger at the group, but mainly at you. It was easier to blame others rather than take responsibilty for something I never asked for.

The things you said ie 'no-one knows what to say to you for everything you say is so sad', these things were true regardless of whether or not you pointed them out. I'm sorry for blaming you.

As for the e-mail and the messages sent to (name of group member); ugh, in a word. I was so fixated on you, on 'what you had done to me', on 'making you pay', I was unable to see the bigger picture. I put all my energy into thinking up twisted ways of revenge, to the point I was searching for you online. Even the letter you sent in response to my e-mail made me angry. I viewed it as manipulative, as you doing the 'right thing' but avoiding an apology at the same time. Actually, I still feel like that, that sense of unease, but am able to rationalise those feelings now. So I'm sorry for the way I handled my thoughts and feelings, for taking them out on you. That's not fair on anyone to have to be on the receiving end of that.

I don't know what else to say except apologise again. I was expecting this to be a lot longer but it seems I have said all that needs saying, unless you think of anything else.

Louise

I hope they have me back. I should find out this week. All 3 T's that run the group have said they believe it's the best thing for me to return - my fate lays with the other members. I hope they can see what a big step I have taken in holding my hands up and also be willing to face them all when am so embarrassed. Hopefully.

[Jinxsta]

WOW! that was rather inspiring to me, as I find it one of the hardest things in the world to admit when im wrong, well done. Is it DBT ur in? sorry if u have already posted about it b4 but i been away for a while.

XxX

[Rael]

whatever the outcome, i think it is really brave of you to have sent those and to have looked at and admitted what you did. i hope it works out for you.

xxx

[dawneywarney]

hi hun, you should be proud of yourself, like the others have said it aint easy to say sorry, i hope they let u back in.

take care x

[Shelley]

:bigarmhug[1]:

[Data]

Toaster you show a high level of insight and committment to change and I really hope that they take you back.

[profound1]

I hope they have you back too

[toaster]

WOW! that was rather inspiring to me, as I find it one of the hardest things in the world to admit when im wrong, well done. Is it DBT ur in? sorry if u have already posted about it b4 but i been away for a while.

XxX

wow ty guys, thought ya'll were gonna be like 'freak, get away'......erm, is cognitive behaviour based therapy, i know...there is a psychotherapist, psychologist and a counsellor. I was in a group for a yr prior to this one, that helped me a lot...just this one was were i started facing the major stuff - think the other one just got me ready to face the big stuff. i thought t was about 'an when i was 7...' but know now that doesn't have to be the case. I want to work on my negatives behaviours, caused both by bpd and my childhood. i need to let go of beliefs, i need to be able to interact with people on a more 'normal' level, and i also think that until this has improved that any t i have for my childhood traumas will be a waste of time. i need to get the present day me up to scratch before i can face the past

ty so much for ur support, folks..it means so much :bigarmhug[1]:

[toaster]

Ok, I just got phone call - the group have 'invited' me back for 'interview' this Thursday (21st May)...eek. I am pleased they have because the alternative is THIS. But I have rarely been so nervous! Wish me luck, people, just in getting there - good chance I could hide under my covers instead...

[les66]

Best of luck to you Toaster. I really do hope all goes well for you. Let us know how things go on Thursday. Be thinking of you.

Take Care

Leslie x

[Rael]

i really hope it goes well for you. keep us informed and best of luck

xxx

[Jinxsta]

...Im sure u will be fine, its obvious u see ur wrongs..... I did find it quite funny though, coz its my sort of threat lol.

xxX

[toaster]

...Im sure u will be fine, its obvious u see ur wrongs..... I did find it quite funny though, coz its my sort of threat lol.

xxX

lol, am sayin nuthin......!!! *is grown up and responsible*

[toaster]

Ok, so have been. It went as expected - they acknowledged that I was 'brave' etc etc but they didn't make it any easier for me. They now decide as to whether I'm allowed back in.

Sat an cried on the bus like a total t*at.

I feel horrible. In acknowledging I was wrong, I have also acknowledged just what type of person I am. And I really don't like me very much. The fact I am manipulative, deceitful, vengeful, bitter....all of these things overpower what I did today. What I did today was the easy part. Now I choose as to whether to carry on.

I'm going to hammered. Am past caring as to what the drink does to me.

[Data]

I know how you feel, toaster.

It strikes me that, even if you get back into the group, that you are going to have some issues with them. So, you have got an uphill path ahead of you.

I have no magic answers I am afraid but I am here if you want to talk.

[bibiddi]

You could view this as an excellent therapy moment for you - a breakthrough.

Yes, its not easy seeing the negative parts of you. But you also have positive parts too.

If possible try not to drink, I would suggest doing something nice for yourself as you have done something very difficult and challenging, and you have done well.

Can I also add, that your behaviour seems to fit a pattern, the pushing away etc. So, if they do let you back in you can explore the best ways to rebuild friendships, how to do things differently, so when you get that feeling again, yo can behave differently and get a different, and more positive result.

[Rael]

it was a big thing to do so i think it makes sense that you were going to feel a big reaction to it, no matter how it had gone. the emotion builds up more and more and once it is done it can leave you feeling lost and stuck with the negative thoughts. you did very well and although its not what is standing out now, it is positive that they acknowledged you were brave. if they say you can go back it is still going to be really tough to handle. but what happened doesnt mean you are a bad person, most of us will have done things we are really ashamed of out of fear, desperation, misjudgments, basically we all make mistakes. it doesnt mean that its who you are, its just something you did.

xxx

[Jinxsta]

You're so damn brave, u should be very proud of yourself!

Got my D-Day on 27th.... find out if im allowed back into therapy.... stand in the dock and plead my case.

XxX

[toaster]

My honesty paid of - I got the letter this morning telling me I have been offered a place to re-join. I am proud of myself. Also absolutely terrified.

[Roses]

My honesty paid of - I got the letter this morning telling me I have been offered a place to re-join. I am proud of myself. Also absolutely terrified.

Well done Toaster babe xxxx

Don't worry it'll be OK. xxx

[Data]

My honesty paid of - I got the letter this morning telling me I have been offered a place to re-join. I am proud of myself. Also absolutely terrified.

Fantastic .

Also absolutely terrified.

It will get easier.

[Rael]

excellent, well done. it will be scary but you have come far in getting here, you have every right to be proud

xxx

[Data]

Good luck today with the group, toaster!

[toaster]

You may want to read the first part of this post before this part.

Ok well its less than a year on but the time before I left the group and the time I've been back since adds up to about 15 months

I stuck it out - I leave this Thursday

I can't believe it. Am so sad to be leaving...there's something I never thought I'd say! I love my therapists like they were my parents and I guess that is what they have been. M was like my strict Dad who didn't let me get away with nothing, S was like my Mum, strict, but more approachable with it and J was the aunty I ran to when those 2 had pissed me off LOL.

M won't be there when I leave on Thursday so have said goodbye to him already. He is the one I threatened, said I was going to gas myself in his car. I have known him for about 4 and a half years, it was hard to say goodbye. He told me how well I have done, congratulated me on all the hard work I have put in. It was a nice goodbye, one I have never experienced before, but obviously sad as well.

I will say goodbye to S and J this Thursday. That will be hard, I am scared.

I have made friends from group - even the members I went crazy on last time, we are friends now we have regular phone and internet contact. Also, I have friends now who didn't know the 'old' me, so that is nice, different.

I have let all my defences down in group, allowed myself to be vulnerable, recognised that was the one place where it was safe to feel unsafe. I asked for help when needed. I have told them I love them.

I was going to end my life the week before I was due to leave. Obviously, I didn't - I told them in group my plans. That in itself speaks volumes.

I'm not 'cured', far from it. But I have more chance of reaching where I want to be now.

Fuck me. I grew up!

[shadow8]

Thats great toastie that you have shown so much improvement and asking for help can be the hardest thing I know. Its good you are telling them what is going on for you. I hope you keep going with this and continue the hard work you have done so far. Sorry you will find it hard leaving the group tho. Have they offered you something to replace that?

((((((((((toastie)))))))))