placebo69a Posted July 14, 2009 Report Share Posted July 14, 2009 I've been dreading and yearning for this thread... I manipulate wherever and whenever I can. I do it consciously and subconsciously. I used to lie, cheat, scheme and conspire to my friends, family, colleagues, bus driver, shopkeeper and just about anyone I met. Only recently have I changed this incredibly inefficient behaviour. I'm now open and honest about my thoughts and feelings, and I no longer consciously do these things. But I still find myself manipulating people I care about without being aware of it. Luckily I have good friends who are open and honest with me. They show me how I may be manipulating them and others so I can at least be aware of my actions even if I don't mean any harm. Here's a good example: I was feeling lonely, friendless and bored one day so I did some research online on recreational dissociative OTC drugs. I found one that suited my purpose and went ahead and bought a bottle. I then proceeded to call up my friends one at a time letting them know I was planning on using this drug (which I won't name so as not to encourage members to look into). One of my friends insisted I come over to his place instead and hang out, eventually talking me out of even considering using the drug. Before we finished the conversation he mentioned that I didn't have to manipulate him into seeing me, that he would have asked me over regardless of this "cry for help". Only when he said those words, and I give my friends' comments about my behaviour a lot of weight, did I realize that the whole thing was a grand scheme on my account. That I, in fact, had never intended to use the drug and was just using it as an aritifcial incentive to manipulate my friends into making meeting me a priority. What a lonely, crazy thing to do... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trace Posted July 15, 2009 Report Share Posted July 15, 2009 Oh gawd, When didn't I manipulate would be a simpler question. Yes I manipulated all of the time for one reason or another. Now I am much more aware of when I am about to do it and am able to try and work out why?? The driving need to have things turn out just_as_I_desire, isn't as big now, so the need to manipulate has almost gone. Takes time and lots of work to get past the need to do this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jades Posted July 15, 2009 Report Share Posted July 15, 2009 i do and its not something i like about myself. infact im down right ashamed of myself. sometimes i do it just to deflect the outcome i dont want to face. its a very hard subject for me since i have such a problem with it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toaster Posted July 19, 2009 Report Share Posted July 19, 2009 i think the world and his wife manipulate, its how and why we do it that may cause the problems. and choice is what matters - when we recognise what we r doing and choose not to do it, that makes us better ppl :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gem Posted July 19, 2009 Report Share Posted July 19, 2009 i seem to manipulate even when im trying hard not too, when illness is strongest i dont even realise i am doing it until i have recovered and look back Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JasmineRose Posted July 21, 2009 Report Share Posted July 21, 2009 Yes. And I'm constantly learning what's healthy assertion and what's 'manipulation'. Sometimes the boundary line is very thin. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Data Posted August 11, 2009 Report Share Posted August 11, 2009 My therapist does not like the word 'maniupulative'. He says its because it is often used in a negative way, and he prefers to use the phrase 'being strategic'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barebones Posted August 11, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 11, 2009 so being stragtictive is better than manipulative? i know manipulation is a negative word, but using a stratigy in gaining somthing or input is the same. the word stratigy is wrong word, that is involving game play and mapping out defensives and alsorts of words., manipulation is not. again all just words really, doesnt matter a toss. I dont use stratigy i use manipulation, no changing it, it doesnt matter if good or bad, the out come happens regardless, and no me manipulating things dont allways work. Maybe another word similiar to these is pshychological mind games. so many words can describe getting your own way or trying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted August 11, 2009 Report Share Posted August 11, 2009 Maniuplation is not a dirty word, it's just mis-used and mis-understood. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
placebo69a Posted August 12, 2009 Report Share Posted August 12, 2009 I like that meme, "being strategic". Reminds me of the army. They also like to change the names of things with bad connotations to avoid the truth. You know "collateral damage" instead of "civilian casualties", "burnt earth" instead of "total devastation", "proportional response" instead of "bomb the crap out of people who throw rocks", that kind of thing... :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
agirl Posted August 12, 2009 Report Share Posted August 12, 2009 I didn't know at first i was manipulating... I have been confronted about it. I work on not manipulating, because i feel evil afterwards... and ashamed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
agirl Posted August 12, 2009 Report Share Posted August 12, 2009 I think manipulating is wrong, and abusive. it is a form of emotional abuse on another person. Sometimes a person doesn't realize that a certain bahavior is abusive.Then that is understandable. but once they learn that they are manipulating...yet continue to do it, knowingly, then its abuse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mek Posted August 12, 2009 Report Share Posted August 12, 2009 As my hubbie's n my's therapist says: every single thing we do or say is manipulation. Everyone wants st. We communicate to get our needs met. And, yes, of course I manipulate in manevolent ways! Isn't that a given in a borderline??? :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roxy222 Posted August 12, 2009 Report Share Posted August 12, 2009 I think manipulating is wrong, and abusive. it is a form of emotional abuse on another person. Sometimes a person doesn't realize that a certain bahavior is abusive.Then that is understandable. but once they learn that they are manipulating...yet continue to do it, knowingly, then its abuse. thats very true if you are talking about a situation where in there is a power imbalance, mother/child, therapist/client, boss/emplyee etc but when a relationship is an even balanced one then there a certain amount of 'manipulating' that is entirely normal and reasonable Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nora B Posted July 20, 2011 Report Share Posted July 20, 2011 My partner says I do it but I am blind to it LOL So probably I do without knowing what I am doing. I do not recall a time when I have done it intentionally Leslie x Yes my hubby says I do but I am not so aware of it - tho' having said that I am more honest with myself and hence others post therapy so kind of get an uncomfterbel feeling sometimes about myslef - therapy changes things and made me more self aware, I am an honest person so don't like to manipulate ppl or situaions if I do it it is not concously done and if I become aware of myself I will stop now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted July 20, 2011 Report Share Posted July 20, 2011 I honestly havent got a clue HOW to manipulate. I know what it is, I have got lots of books on 'persuasion' and 'influence', but I just cant make any use of it. I think thats because I feel guilty when I do anything at all in line with getting somethign i want. I automatically feel so selfish and bad, and worried that someone is about to go apeshit over it, that I tend to suppress any action to get what I want. So then trying to go covert, as in manipulating, that feels like the same emotional level as robbing money from an OAP, like it would be the worst thing I could do. At the same time I have secret, hidden, walter mitty-like dreams of becoming the RULER OF THE WORRRLLLDDDD mwahahaaaaaa. Freud would like that, I think. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corpsewithpulse Posted July 20, 2011 Report Share Posted July 20, 2011 ^^^ This is essentially why I voted no. I even have a book on body language to boot. I'm tempted to say that my life would be more successful if only I could unleash the Iago within. But alas, I'll have to make do with getting by on the back of my unassuming, soggy-baked-potato-esque lack of charm. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted July 20, 2011 Report Share Posted July 20, 2011 ^^^ This is essentially why I voted no. I even have a book on body language to boot. I'm tempted to say that my life would be more successful if only I could unleash the Iago within. But alas, I'll have to make do with getting by on the back of my unassuming, soggy-baked-potato-esque lack of charm. This made me lol. Also baked potatoes are nice. Maybe you just need a bit of crisping in an oven That said, "How to win friends and influence people" is pretty much about being a generally good person, so its quite benign manipulation I guess. I have another one - "covert persuasion", that I think was written by someone that the Republicans didnt want because he was too machiavellian .... I have tried 'rapport building' things before, I am a bit ashamed to admit. The truth is, if I was in a good mood when I used it, it worked. If in a bad mood, it didnt. It struck me that being in a good mood was actually the more useful part of it, and that I was probably succeeding despite any technique I was using :o Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PlasticInsanity Posted July 20, 2011 Report Share Posted July 20, 2011 Yes, but it's subtle. I've just noticed recently that a good percentage of the time if I help someone, I benefit from it in some sort of way. Ie: Help someone out at work - it doesn't slow me down; Pick up extra hours at one certain job - i know it makes me look better, and usually I offer after I was off sick or something. I usually emphasize on how it's benefiting the other person and fail to mention that it may or may not benefit me in some way. The one exception to this lately is my niece Chloe who I talk about probably excessively haha, but alot of things I do for her I don't really benefit from, only her, but I still do it. I'll stick around and watch her so my sister can do something, which I could just say no and walk away, but I do it because my sister gets frustrated easily and I don't want it to be taken out on Chloe so I'll stay to help. or if Chloe needs something, I'll jump to get it - from the store, if she needs to borrow money, etc. I'll take her to the park fully knowing that she'll get mad when we have to leave, because she's so excited while she's there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fedup! Posted July 20, 2011 Report Share Posted July 20, 2011 yes i do!! And i've been known to do it on the sly, isn't that horrible? xxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jules7 Posted July 20, 2011 Report Share Posted July 20, 2011 I know I do this to, usually when I'm feeling scared or lonely.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lily-Bee Posted July 20, 2011 Report Share Posted July 20, 2011 I do but I dont think I do it more then the average person without BPD if you see what I mean. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barebones Posted July 20, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 20, 2011 wow this topic has restarted again eh? Thanks for everyone honesty. xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angel tears Posted July 20, 2011 Report Share Posted July 20, 2011 Yes i have tried to manipulate a situation before..... usually because i want the attention or i feel neglected/used by others. I find it hard to get my needs met and i am not very good at directly asking people for help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chorse_70 Posted July 20, 2011 Report Share Posted July 20, 2011 I know I do it but I don't call in manipulation I call it using The Force And these are not the droids you are looking for! :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.