Trying To Hard

[complicated]

i went to see my cousins yesterday who ive not seen for a long time, it was exsasting, i was trying to pretend i wasnt a nervous wreak, an that i was happy an just the same as i was years ago, which im far from it, im not happy, i have no acceptence of myself, in fact im down right terrified of myself, considering everything ive been through its a miricle ive got this far. i have ocd thoughts about harming others etc which are terrifying aswell as having bdp, which concludes im fairly messed up, im a complete control freak now to the extent im always on guard to every thought i have just incase its an obsessional thought,it drives me crazy im completly self obsessed but im scared to be any other way, god its not fair.anyway i went there an put on my preformance, i think i was a smash im not sure but i came home yesterday an felt ill. ive been giving myself a hard time, coz i cant be who i used to be when i thought the world was safe etc, an also thinking i cant have any friends coz i cant let them close to me, im always trying to hard to be like i was, how i imagine others to be not self obsessed an constantly thinking, not weird or different, but this is all i have to offer really superficial friendships coz its all i have to give, i always forget that though, an go back to trying to force myself to feel safe an ok coz im scared if i am who i am like this, which i imagine is apparently different from other people ill be treated differently an i dont want to be treated as someone not normal, anyway waffel waffel waffel. im sorry i always write storys instead of a few lines, just getting it out makes me feel better but id appreciate some feedback if anyone has any thks xx