steelflex Posted September 5, 2009 Author Report Share Posted September 5, 2009 its like i got 2 people here right now on this website takin time to talk me through depression when they could be off doin anything else like i shud feel in some way special or not alone buts its how i feel alone i dont feel special i cant stand feeling like this anymore Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted September 5, 2009 Report Share Posted September 5, 2009 That's ok babe. If that is how you feel mark it down in a diary or something and use it as a starting point. Today I feel I can't take it anymore..... then see how you go. So what therapy are you getting? Do you wanna talk about it? If you feel the need to vent you could put a poem or a piece of writing in creative corner or sometimes I just quote lyrics from songs to express how Iam feeling. If you like you could go on my profile and look at my last few poems or lyric thingeys it might help to understand what I am meaning. If you don't want to I will not be offended so don't worry I am not after your acceptance just thinking how to help. They call it 'distraction techniques' all of these suggestions. It works quite well if you can try them and find the ones you like. How do you express yourself? Is there something that particularly interests you? What did you study at school? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted September 5, 2009 Report Share Posted September 5, 2009 I just re-read this post and you did say you used to write poetry, sorry. Also about the palpitations there is a drug called propranolol that is used for anxiety I have been on this and found it very helpful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steelflex Posted September 5, 2009 Author Report Share Posted September 5, 2009 well its not group therapy its just a therapist and me in the room talkin bout things if that answers ur question bout the therapy. Its at a point now what ever i start doin be it a club or a team it jst lose interest im the kinda person who when is in a club i need something brand new everyweek that ive never done before. In skool well i never had time to study anything i wasnt a top notch student giving that they kicked me out 4 times but i got bak in everytime which is actually when i began to believe i was being singled out in my old skool like id skip days where id go nd try find myself if u understand that and they kicked me out for doing that but when it was someone else they got a letter sent home to the parents and that was it and it made me feel like crap that this was happening to me that i was singled out i never really fitted in skool everyone had their groups wile i jst drifted around the skool. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gavin Posted September 5, 2009 Report Share Posted September 5, 2009 There is no use wallowing in your loneless, Because man you will pull through this , We have all been there , vagrants at sometime With abundant of depression, you need to do what Roses says because she been through the hole shit thing And still able to keep her children and look after a husband,, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted September 5, 2009 Report Share Posted September 5, 2009 I am sorry you had such a shit time at school. Sounds like you had depression back then too??? Taking time out to try and "find myself". Did you receive any support back then or did they just kick you out and then fit you back in and that was that? Also, another symptom of depression is lack of concentration or not feeling able to join in or contribute and all that. Perhaps you are judging yourself too harshly here and possibly you could look at going to college to study something you enjoy - perhaps English if you like poetry? They are always promoting further ed for people with mental health issues and I'm sure there will be financial and emotional support available. I asked about the therapy as I have had lots of different types. Counselling is good but doesn't address specific issues very well and you can end up going round in a circle of painful disclosures. I was first referred to services as a child at 16 but never really got the help I needed until a few years ago (I'm 33 now). CBT changed my life. You can access CBT sessions online and free of charge if need be. Can I ask how old you are? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steelflex Posted September 5, 2009 Author Report Share Posted September 5, 2009 well it really didnt hit until my 2nd year in skool during xmas but it didnt really start to affect my performance until bout my 3rd year in skool thats just bout the time every thing went downhill from there. I didnt really recieve much suport from my skool or at home ether i was just put bak in and i was forgotin bout after a wile and at home i really got was "this is your last chance dont screw this up" i never really got the emotional suport i needed from parents as i am the last of four siblings including me. I was the family reject wile i was growing up my parents wer dealing with my 3 sisters at the time and when it came to family as in relatives i never really hit it off with any of my relatives. not to be rude or anything roses im just not confortable with telling my age dont take offence Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted September 5, 2009 Report Share Posted September 5, 2009 I'm not offended I just wondered as I was trying to build a picture of what services would have been available. Obviously the older you are the less likely you would have been to have received any support. I understand that age is a very private matter xxxxxx I'm sorry you didn't get the support you deserved hun. Perhaps you could write it all down in life stories on these boards, I found it a massive help. So what do you think could help you to move forward? xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steelflex Posted September 6, 2009 Author Report Share Posted September 6, 2009 roses and gavin i feel you have been a great help to me i really do im just scared of what is the outcome of my actions i dont feel like me anymore its not nice im not alone i know that even from this but i still feel alone i dont know wer to turn anymore Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gavin Posted September 6, 2009 Report Share Posted September 6, 2009 flex follow the boards around as rose suggested we are all alone because people don't understand us, the reason people don't understand ue ie because we are standing still and they moving on with their lives, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steelflex Posted September 6, 2009 Author Report Share Posted September 6, 2009 i just dont think can move on until ive stopped and delt with my ow problems. For so long ive helped those hu needed my help to much success but my own advice is wat i need but is not wat i follow. I look at myself in the mirror and can not stand the sight of myself because its not me im looking at but i feel like im looking at someone ive never incountered before Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gavin Posted September 6, 2009 Report Share Posted September 6, 2009 well flex looks like you have made it through another day we all get like that some days some days are really bad while others days are fair, but get around these boards and you will start to heal as i have started to do, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted September 6, 2009 Report Share Posted September 6, 2009 Sometimes it is good to stand still and let the wind blow around you clearing your thoughts. Just remember that as hard as the wind blows, the mountain will NOT bow down to it. You have done well to get through another day, as Gavin rightly says. Have faith in yourself. I'm sure you can listen hard enough to yourself to work out what you need to do to enable you to move forwards. You are a fighter, so go fight! xxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steelflex Posted September 6, 2009 Author Report Share Posted September 6, 2009 i bearly made it through another day holding on takes alot out of me when the wind blows so hard i can be nocked down question is will i always pick myself up Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted September 6, 2009 Report Share Posted September 6, 2009 Hmmmm..... you still made it though. Perhaps think how you managed it and try to work on this. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steelflex Posted September 6, 2009 Author Report Share Posted September 6, 2009 i ended up hurting myself last night im not proud of it but i did it i dont y i had a moment of blank thought and that was the result Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted September 6, 2009 Report Share Posted September 6, 2009 So the hurting yourself gave you the relief to make it through the night? I have had CBT for self-harm. Perhaps look at how you felt when you self-harmed and think of alternatives to give you that release like going for a long walk or something. Instead of the impulse being toward yourself, grab your coat and keys and just leave. That's impulsive too and after an hour or so's good walking I'm sure the urge to self-harm would have abated. What do you tihnk????? xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steelflex Posted September 6, 2009 Author Report Share Posted September 6, 2009 well i didnt feel anything towords its it was just blank its was like i stepped outside myself for just a moment i just sat outside my bakgarden had a smoke and just watched myself bleed im begining to tink i might be insane or something has anyone ever done that just sat there and watched demselves bleed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted September 6, 2009 Report Share Posted September 6, 2009 Yeah. And blacked it out and hubbie has come in hours later to find me staring into space with bloody arms. But there would have been a trigger, a moment that your mind said ENOUGH and switched to overload. That is the key. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steelflex Posted September 6, 2009 Author Report Share Posted September 6, 2009 yes whatever it is did it all but if i found it and explore it it could become to much i could have a moment of blank thought id be wer i was again or thefact that i looked at it for so long could prove to be worse if it whatever it is can do that nock me down like that then it can nocked me down and keep me down Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted September 6, 2009 Report Share Posted September 6, 2009 There are no certainties in life. Do we take the risk or stick with what we know? What is best I don't know. Only you know that. Perhaps is best explored in therapy where you are safe and not alone hun. I had a sheet I had to fill out every time I sh for weeks and weeks (at that point was almost daily sometimes twice daily) and it did help. But just make sure you are safe and in a safe environment. If you are not sure defo bring up in therapy xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steelflex Posted September 6, 2009 Author Report Share Posted September 6, 2009 well i have therapy tomorow i sure am gonna bring it up cos noone should live in fear of themselves im just afraid my mind has hidden it from for my own protection and it becomes uncontrollable at time gets out does wat it does and goes away again Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted September 6, 2009 Report Share Posted September 6, 2009 I am glad you are going to talk to t tomorrow. What are your plans for this evening? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steelflex Posted September 6, 2009 Author Report Share Posted September 6, 2009 well i havent made any plans for tonight maybe go for a walk or a run Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted September 6, 2009 Report Share Posted September 6, 2009 Sounds good. You eaten today? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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