an9i Posted September 18, 2009 Author Report Share Posted September 18, 2009 I think eternal limbo is a bit too long! I'd get mighty bored there..... mind you my present life feels like one eternal limbo to be honest Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol-E Posted September 18, 2009 Report Share Posted September 18, 2009 I think eternal limbo is a bit too long! I'd get mighty bored there..... mind you my present life feels like one eternal limbo to be honest I often think about suicide, to offer peace from my life. An Eternity of limbo sounds good. Usually I feel guilty for the effect it will have on Husband, family, and so do not go through with it. Actually because I will be told off for making a mess. :wacko: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
successful_workthru Posted September 19, 2009 Report Share Posted September 19, 2009 I think the reason I have never tried suicide is because I have a belief that suicide victims end up in eternal torment after death. This is not a religious belief, more a scientific/spiritual belief. The universe is made up of energy in all its forms. Energy does not go away, it just changes. It is consciousness experiencing itself. We are all part of that consciousness, and as individuals we are mostly ego bound (not to be confused with egotistical) Life is about learning and growth. Even though we cease to exist as ourselves when we die, our ego identity dissappears, but the energy behind the emotions in our consciousness is still there. To me, committing suicide may seem like a way out, but it is only a way out of our current identity, the emotional energy which was behind the suicide will still be there, because energy does not change This kinda relates to what I am saying in less cosmic/scientific terms the main reason was b)belief in an afterlife where i will continue to manifest my problems until they get sorted out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WinterFawn Posted September 21, 2009 Report Share Posted September 21, 2009 I think of it almost every day, usually several times per day. Sometimes the thoughts are urgent and sometimes they're not. The closest I have ever come was when I took what was left of a bottle of Ibuprofin, which was 18 pills. The only way I thought it might work was that it said that it could cause stomach bleeding if you have ulcers and I had been experiencing a lot of ulcer-like pain, so I wondered if maybe I would die of internal bleeding. I didn't really give a fuck if it worked or not, I was just too tormented to go on but I knew it was wrong, so I kind of tossed a coin, I guess. But mostly, no matter how bad things are, I know I need to live, if not for the rest of my family then at least for my son... The thought of him loosing his mommy breaks my heart. I know that it would be a horribe thing for me to do to him... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
an9i Posted September 21, 2009 Author Report Share Posted September 21, 2009 I think the reason I have never tried suicide is because I have a belief that suicide victims end up in eternal torment after death. This is not a religious belief, more a scientific/spiritual belief. The universe is made up of energy in all its forms. Energy does not go away, it just changes. It is consciousness experiencing itself. We are all part of that consciousness, and as individuals we are mostly ego bound (not to be confused with egotistical) Life is about learning and growth. Even though we cease to exist as ourselves when we die, our ego identity dissappears, but the energy behind the emotions in our consciousness is still there. To me, committing suicide may seem like a way out, but it is only a way out of our current identity, the emotional energy which was behind the suicide will still be there, because energy does not change This kinda relates to what I am saying in less cosmic/scientific terms the main reason was b)belief in an afterlife where i will continue to manifest my problems until they get sorted out. It's a bit like I used to try and change my environment to change myself. As a child I changed schools several times each time convinced it was 'them' that was wrong and all i needed to do was change the outer circumstances. But, you guessed it, every time I changed school I ended up back at the same school in a sense, as in my new school I still had no friends and was bullied or ostracised and felt left out. Then later in my life I ended up moving cities a few times, each time to get away from my pain. But it always followed me and found me. Denial is such a strong thing, I could not admit (at that time) that the fault lay within me, so it had to lie outside of me. Only fairly recently have I realised that I cannot escape myself, as I will always find the same issues repeating over and over. I think sucide is an extension of this idea - it's the ultimate relocation. But if I will continue to exist then my problems will too. I don't think if I was to commit suicide that I would be in eternal suffering, just long enough for me to do whatever it takes to heal. But I may aswell heal in this life if I am going to have to learn to do it anyhow. Hope that makes sense. When I had my nervous breakdown 6 months ago I was really, really struggling with all these concepts. I so badly wanted to let go and just kill myself but because of these beliefs I would not let myself do it. It was a real struggle not to do it. But I think I made the right decision, and I've been on a growth path ever since. I think I just started this post to find out if other people have been thru this so thanks guys to all who posted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
icu_baby Posted September 21, 2009 Report Share Posted September 21, 2009 I have had 8 suicide attempts and I have been on life support 7 times and in comas 2-3 days. I think that people who try to kill themselves are in alot of pain and are severely depressed. Thats all there is to it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
piuma Posted September 22, 2009 Report Share Posted September 22, 2009 right im confused on this. feel it very strong. but dont wanna hurt anyone. im getting the point where i think im sure they would be better off without me, once its done its done, i will be forgotten, so right now dont see much in my way. in the past out of loads of attempts only a few were serious and everytime they were interfeared with or caught by chance. bloody police know me to well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bena.baby Posted September 22, 2009 Report Share Posted September 22, 2009 I think about it almost every day. I find it a comforting thought, I know that there's a way to get out if it all gets too much. I imagine myself dead quite a lot. Sometimes it scares me, sometimes I don't care. I've tried to kill myself twice, once with my medication, once with sleeping pills. Both times were rubbish attempts, the second time was more serious I spose because I did actually black out but considering I'd phoned almost everyone I knew, I think I knew I wasn't going to die. I don't know what stops me. A feeling I might go somewhere worse I suppose, or just that when I think seriously about it, I'm normally so depressed I wouldn't be able to work up the energy to do it, or so dissociated that I can't think straight enough to make a good attempt. I wish the thought of people in my life would stop me but even when I was with my first boyfriend, who I really cared about, I didn't even think about him. I can't relate to people on that level, I feel like I can't really put myself in their shoes. Maybe it's just that I feel that no-one really cares. And it doesn't matter what I do, my mother will be disappointed anyway, so I'm sure she'd just see my suicide as another fuck-up on my part. I'm ashamed to admit that my most frequent thoughts are about how much it would "show" people. That my stupid ex-boyfriend would be so gutted, that all my so-called friends would feel really gulity that they hadn't stopped me, that my family would be so ashamed...but I can't imagine any of these people feeling sad. I just imagine they'd feel they were bad people. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
an9i Posted September 22, 2009 Author Report Share Posted September 22, 2009 I have had 8 suicide attempts and I have been on life support 7 times and in comas 2-3 days. I think that people who try to kill themselves are in alot of pain and are severely depressed. Thats all there is to it. Hi icu_baby, I don't doubt that, but what I was interested in is why some people don't do it, despite being in a lot of pain and severely depressed. I was just interested in whehter anyone had been through the same mental battle I had whether to do it or not, I was not passing any value judgement on whether people should or not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sbellaby Posted September 28, 2009 Report Share Posted September 28, 2009 None of knows what happens until we get there but I've a feeling that if you have an instinct or a strong belief about what happens after death then that is the reality you will create for yourself, so we should all take these thoughts seriously. I found that pure automatic survival instinct was the strongest hurdle: it kicks in its millions years of evolution when called on and most of the time its stronger than any of us, which is why so many suicides fail on the first few attempts. The instinct takes over at the point of balance and wins out. But. It gets weaker with more attempts. We get to know it well and how it works and find the chinks in its armour and then one day we're off. Where to is the question and to be honest, kiddo, I think you've got it right. If something inside you tells you that you'll finish up with a karmic traffic ticket then work on the assumption that you'll back here to go through it all over again, perhaps next time with a few extra challenges thrown in. Life-force is too strong to let us off as easilly as deciding to hop out of a body now and then. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
successful_workthru Posted September 29, 2009 Report Share Posted September 29, 2009 I am in the mode where I dont want to wake up tomorrow. I wont sui due to the futility of it, but maybe this is unconsciously being sui. I'm in a really low place at the moment, and forsee a bleak future. I am a benzo addict and have a detox ahead of me, which means years of pain. I am also on other meds which I think are makeing me more depressed, but I dont see my shrink for a week so have to keep taking them in the meantime. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RiverWolfe Posted September 30, 2009 Report Share Posted September 30, 2009 I used to believe suicides went to hell and have no idea where it came from. I am now Pagen and my faith / religion keeps me alive, well tries to, that and anti deppresents!! But i dont believe in hell anymore because i think we are here. River Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wordsmithy Posted September 30, 2009 Report Share Posted September 30, 2009 talking to people who are paid to care. my consultant, my therapist. not sure i want them to stop me, but they didd. if i had an ounce of normal-ness in me i wold be happy about this. god you know, i love suicide. i dont care who knows it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
knee-knee Posted September 30, 2009 Report Share Posted September 30, 2009 I tried once in April. I'd been feeling low on and off for about 3 years but had always managed to convince myself I was just being a moody git. I felt numb and hollow, it may sound cliche but who cares. Self-harming was my way of feeling but I just ended up addicted to it. When I moved to uni last September I figured everything would change, I'd be a new person and for a while it worked. I don't really know what happened but one night I just snapped. I felt like everything was pointless so why the hell should I carry on, its hard to explain exactly what I was thinking. Maybe I wasn't thinking, I didn't even write a note. Looking back I think I knew I wouldn't kill myself. I guess it was just major self-harm. I got a razor blade and slit my wrists. It hurt like hell and within seconds blood was everywhere. I remember flexing my fingers and seeing it squirt. It knocked me sick and I started to panic. Eventually I managed to stem the flow and pull the gashes together with medi-tape and bandages. It didn't hold very well. I have horrible thick scars and I ruined a perfectly good rug. I think I should probably go and see a doctor but I hate clinics. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sarahp208 Posted October 21, 2009 Report Share Posted October 21, 2009 well i've been thinking about it lately. the anxiety is really getting to me. i'm terrified of having a job, i cant even leave my room to go to talk to my bf's family. (i'm living with him now) my mom kicked me out. she doesn't understand what i'm going through or how i feel. she and her asshole boyfriend have been telling me i have to get a job, but its fucking hard. ive been living with him for about a month and she hasn't even called me, she doesn't care. my bf gets mad at me because i cut. he makes me promise that i'll stop, but i always do it again. i'm a hermit. i'd rather not talk to anyone or see anyone. i know i can't live like this forever. one day i have to deal with the real world. it's too much for me. i feel like death would be easier than dealing with all this shit. i'm only 18, yet life seems so hard. ); what's stopping me? well i have an urge to have my throat slit all of the time, but i could never do it myself. sometimes i wish someone would murder me. i know it's quite weird. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
successful_workthru Posted October 21, 2009 Report Share Posted October 21, 2009 I'm still getting sui thoughts, but the fear of coming back after death into another existance to face the same problems is the thing that is stopping me. I am scared to be alive. Not scared to be dead, but scared to come back into another life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
siofra Posted October 21, 2009 Report Share Posted October 21, 2009 I felt very suicidal lots of times. A lot of them I would have done it, had planned out how but I couldn't cause was only me and my babes in the house so couldn't do it. Then when I was on hols, no baby, I had note writtten and my head in rope standing on chair but started thinking about my baby and photos of her that i had been looking at earlier that day and started crying and couldn't go through with it cause of thinking what her life would be like knowing her mom had killed herself. The time I did go through with it, but it didn't work, I took out lots of pills and just shoved them down. wouldn't let myself think of anything else cos i knew it would stop me. I did truly want to die then. woke up next day with body in seizures and thought "right this hasn't worked, but I'm fucked" couldn't move, but was terrified of ending up a vegetable in hospital. So called my friend and was in ICU for few days and then psychiatrict ward for a month. But back to the point, the thought of my daughter stopped me. don't beleive in afterlife so that didn't come into it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shadow8 Posted October 21, 2009 Report Share Posted October 21, 2009 I took an overdose when I was 14 and ever since have been thinking about it. It's the thought of what it would do to my family what stops me. They have said before they think suicide is self fish but I think they are being self fish wanting me to stay alive! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wordsmithy Posted October 21, 2009 Report Share Posted October 21, 2009 Why haven't I comitted suicide? Well, that's the big question 'ain't it? I'm scared. I'm scared because suicide is scary, death is scary. I've watched all the horror films. I was scared of the dark until I was 17. I'm scared of death, ghosts and murderers. There's no point in idealising suicide, suicide isn't, its ugly, its brutal, its painful. I don't belive in heaven, hell, religion, God, whatever. Death is what it says on the tin. Game over. It is not beautiful, it is not admirable. Its a desperate act, carried because you've have got nothing left, you're tried living in every way you can, it turns out that you're learnt enough to realise that there's nothing left. Only 22? Means nothing to me, mate. I've already gone beyond the point where I could have been remotely satisfied with any life I could lead. I think about, its my favourite subject. I've researched it, draw pictures, practiced methods, been through enough crises to be an expert on the subject. To me, yeah, I haven't done it yet, but its my ambition, its my goal. I don't have anything left. Nothing. But its my secret, tell no one, don't f*ck it up. Its not something I think I should rush, I need to think through every detail. Why haven't I comitted suicide? It's not the right time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thesloaneranger Posted October 21, 2009 Report Share Posted October 21, 2009 was very sui over the weekend.....and at the last moment, it was my freakin car loan that stopped me!!! god knows why it suddenly popped into my head at THAT moment, but i guess it takes all sorts! x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
purple-chick Posted October 28, 2009 Report Share Posted October 28, 2009 the last time i took an od, i was convinced this time was for me! i had taken over 100 paracetamol. but then afterwards i lay down on the bed (to die) and then all i could think about was my mum. and all that kept running through my head was her coming to my house and finding me dead and how awful that would be for her. so that made me pick up the phone straight away, and i was only just in time! so now whenever i think of suicide (which i do most days) it try and keep that memeory of my mum in my head Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
purple-chick Posted October 28, 2009 Report Share Posted October 28, 2009 what's stopping me? well i have an urge to have my throat slit all of the time, but i could never do it myself. sometimes i wish someone would murder me. i know it's quite weird. sarah i dont think thats weird at all, i often wish that someone would murder me, that way i could still be dead, but my family wouldnt feel dissapointment in me for leaving them. i also often wish when im driving that someone would smash into me. if anyone ever tried to attack me with a knife or gun or something, i wouldnt try and stop them Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
siofra Posted October 30, 2009 Report Share Posted October 30, 2009 A few Nights ago I had a bad night out, came home and decided I would do it. Then i thought about last time I tried and how I had had a few drinks that time. I decided that because I was drunk, and i do awfully silly things when i'm drunk, that I wasn't able to be sure that I wanted to do it. so I said if I still wanted to do it in half an hour (when countdown was on tv) that i could do it then. Woke up a few hours later and was glad that i didn't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DaisyChain Posted October 30, 2009 Report Share Posted October 30, 2009 Ive considered suicide on and off since I was about 9, obviously I have never succeeded, and that has at times made me feel even worse, a failure, but something tells me that fate says it isnt my time yet When it is, it'll work, I have tried to hang myself, overdosed, ran infront of cars on the motorway, walked up the middle of dual carriageways, trainlines etc, and it never came, I guess when its time it will work I continue to push the boundaries and still wake up in the morning, when my day is up it will come But yes, I have thought of it often, I have to trust that something better comes along or that I have a purpose for now Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nix125 Posted November 2, 2009 Report Share Posted November 2, 2009 Dunno where to start ... Lately there aint a minute in a day where that thought doesnt cross my mind I been down the road before but never felt this low . Im an empty shell.. The only 2 things that keep me going is 1 my son Jayden whose is just over 2.. the other reason is what it would do to my family i lost my father through suicide at the age of 10 and suffered quitely with deppresion since the age of 15... Lately though been feeling like it would be the best thing in the long run for every1 that is . I would no longer be a burden to friends and family and my son is at an age where he may not remember me and the fact that Im no longer with his mother there is a good chance that she may found someone that may be a better father than I..... Its just been too long i fear there is not much fight left in me anymore. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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