Suicide, Ever Considered It But Not Gone Thru?

[b0bulat0r]

When I was in year 7 (11 years old) I slit my wrist on my left arm, It hurt like hell but it didnt kill me, That was the first self harm attempt i made.

A couple of years later when I fell into serious depression I was going to kill myself, I'd planned it out etc, but I was stopped by a Friend of mine who knew what I was going to do, It was what she said to me that stuck with me and I have had several periods of my life where I have felt that depressed and had those same feelings come back but I always remember what she said and it stops me from doing that.

She said to me, "I know you hate yourself right now, I know everything feels dark and you feel like you have nothing to live for, But I look at you and i see a great person and more importantly a Great Friend, If you dont want to live for yourself right now fine, but Live for me, Live for your friends and your family and the people who love you, Live for the people who need you".

We spoke for quite along time about this and Hannah made me realize that What I was going to do would hurt too many people, She also gave me a reason to live, and my reason to live became to support my friends to be there for them and to protect them.

I trained to be a student councillor under a scheme a councilling service called Relate, was running, And i volunteered alot of time to help and support other students. I look at all the shit ive been through and I think I wanna help other people so they dont go through these things, I want to support others.

Its one of the reasons I have an account on here, sure people can tell me to F*** off or whatever I dont mind, But if i am able to help someone at all in any way, Then my day has had purpose.

as long as my life has meaning I should live it, and my Reason for living is the lovely people in my life, what better strength can there be to give you reason to go on.

I still get the suicidal thoughts, I still get the feelings that everything would be easier if i was dead.

But thats just the thing, Thats taking the easy way out, and if something is worth having, and worth living for, its worth fighting for, and worth taking the longer harder route.

I keep telling myself that. And hopefully those two things together, will be enough to keep me on this side, for a long time.

[louby31]

ive thought about it so many times, and in the last 2 weeks made 2 atempts at sliting my wrists, but im scared that there is a after life and that it could be even worse than this life, and thats what usualy stops me.

[indie22]

At the moment its in my head.. I have had these thoughts on and off since I was 15 but I keep fighting it, when i know that maybe tomorrow or next day they won't be there. Few months ago I was out driving my car and had park the car on top of a shopping centre car park and when i got back into car to come home all that went through my head was if i just drove it of here that will be it, no more pain, no more tears, no more hurt no more me.. Had so many different feelings about how I would do it or what I wanted or hoped would happen... What stops me from doing it some days am not sure, guess its an inner strenght at times, other days its my family..

[Ocean Wolf]

When I was fifteen, I entertained the possibility of suicide, but was worried that something good would happen and I'd miss it. I don't think I was really suicidal though.

A few years later, I was really suicidal and was in an apartment 23 stories up. I didn't jump because I'm afraid of falling. Not the landing which people always think I mean. I hate the feeling of falling. I won't even bunji jump.

[IJCGlobal]

Hi Angi,

I really hope you are coping with life at the time of my writing here!

I have been suffering anxiety and severe depression during the past two years. One of the main contributing factors was the loss of my dearly loved mother.

This had followed seven years of her living with Alzheimer's Disease, which she had been diagnosed at the outset of our "journey" together. She had sought diagnosis and scan had confirmed her worst fears, as her mother and her mother before, had both suffered and been taken by the relentless disease. I now realise just how strong she was to have kept so strong for us all, during what must have been a horrendous life experience.

I am sure that mum's determination and strength are well entrenched deep within me, and that reason alone has stopped me from taking a "step too far" on many dark and lonely, troubled and tormented occassions over the past couple of years of my life.

Are you still managing to stop thinking of "doing it" and if so, how have you managed this time around Angi? ... I would be very interested to know.

I can relate totally to your pain as I've also suffered far too much pain for one person to go thru in one lifetime, pretty much from as far back as I can remember.

Health Hope and Trust ...!

"Feel Ever Safe!"

[thesloaneranger]

in the past month ive had 2 very strong urges to end things, and have been stopped by the stupidest of reasons!

a few weeks ago i was lying in my bath after a particular hard couple of days and all i wanted to do was slit my wrists. the full intention was there as i had taken my favourite stanley blade with me, but in the end i was stopped by the realisation that id just taken on a huge car loan, but it was in my mums name and couldnt leave her with all that debt!! had a go at my leg instead, and these combined to keep me alive.

on thursday i drove over the erskine bridge several times, drove under it, walked around under it and generally spent far too long thinking. in the end i decided i would drive over, stop the car and just jump.....but i was stopped by the thought of knowing id cause a traffic jam just abandoning my car! pathetic thought to have at such a moment, but it worked and i drove home.

[desperateandlon]

i always feel like i want to die ive tryed 3 times

[charlie94]

the only reason for me is i simply was scared for someone to find me.

[Saul]

Well if I had considered it and gone through with it, I wouldn't be able to respond to this thread. But seriously:

Logistics, pain and guilt were the things that stopped me.

Guilt was the guilt of how others would feel. This just lead me to resent them.

Logistics and pain were possibly just an excuse for actually not wanting to do it, but I have a very low tolerence for discomfort of any kind. As such things like headaches and colds revive me desires for suicide. If I thought for a moment I would have a fever for more than two days I would kill myself before it came to that. This low tolerence stopped me though, since I don't want a painful death. The logistics of doing this have so far proven insurmountable. Especially when you do feel depressed. Arranging a device or drug coctail for a gaurunteed and painless death simply isn't going to happen when you can't get out of bed.

[ramfan007]

I have wanted to many times, mostly tho at the time I haven't really wanted to die, but ive felt so desperate I have had to do something. The last time was very different though, I really think it was my first serious attempt, I took every tablet I could find in the house and went to bed. I really really did not want to wake up, but it didn't work (obviously). I was sick whilst I was unconscious and that saved me. I feel suicidal a lot of the time but I try to ignore it as much as I can.

Hugs

Ram

xx

[lostxox22]

I've tried quite a few times to commit suicide, but failed.

I've been suicidal off and on all year this year, what is stopping me right now is the fact that someone I knew killed herself, I speak to her parents, 2 years on and they're still devastated, as well as other friends. I guess for me, I think of that I think about my own family and friends.

However, at times it's hard to do.

[youknowiloveyou]

I've been there many a time. Almost daily. I've been hurt that much that I'm so weak even minor things send me over the edge. The last time I though about I was thinking about the only place that would be possible to hang myself would be the bars on the window (student accom not a jail, although sometimes feels like it). I though about how I wouldn't like to be hanging there where people could see me. Also, this sounds stupid but it was the night of my flat warming and I though to myself " I can't do it tonight, it's the flat warming" Didn't want to ruin it for everyone else. Another things that makes me think again is the fact that no matter how bad your feeling, there is always someone worse off than you.

My family is the only thing that keeps me going yet it is the only reason I have all these problems in the first people. How do you work that one out?

[Phoenix4LF]

A girl I went to middle school with killed herself. I found this out later from friends. I think what really hit home though was this guy I went to highschool with. A few days before graduation he got coked up, had a girl with him in a basement of his house; and put a gun to his head. Blew his head off. I went to his funeral. Everybody was crying.

My first time I can ever recall being suicidal was at 13. I used to hold a knife to my wrist and just fantasize about dying. I again had a knife to my wrist at 14, and they almost shipped me out of the country to get help in some place in Germany. What ended my college life was a suicide attempt. I OD'd on pills and actually slit open my wrist with a blade, in the shower. After that I tried to hang myself in my house. And have had a loaded handgun to my head more times than I care to recall. I still feel suicidal some days..I don't know what stops me. I guess it's hope that someday, someway, there's a way out of this.

Eric

[sanctuary]

Randomly remembered what has always stopped me in the past is I used to be morbidly overweight and didn't like the feeling of shame that my coffin would be huge and the ambulance paramedics would have to handle such a 'large' dead body.... strange isn't it.... but since I've lost buckets loads of weight, I don't have thata anymore and have considered now more times than ever. I guess it's the family thing now... my nieces and nephews, my brother and peripheral family members who I would indellibly leave a sadness on in their lives so.... try to keep that i mind..........

[Villan]

tried seriously once... dont wanna share that experience tho soz...

what keeps me going at the moment, apart from my fam and stuff is that i have kinda donated my body after my death to the students at a nearby medical teaching hospital... there's a list of circumstances as to why bodies wont be suitable and one of them is death by sui as it would usually require a post mortum and that renders the body useless for the students...

i know it sounds a wierd reason... but it works for me... :wacko:

[youknowiloveyou]

Whatever reason, aslong as it stops you going through with it is a a good reason

x

[ella92]

I wanted to commit suicide because everyone at my school was being pretty cruel to me...but i stopped and thought to myself that there was no way I would die while they would live their perfect life without any problem... I want to be able to live for a long time, to prove them that I can also be happy. I want to come back years later with a smile on my face, my children and my husband, look them in the face and say : You have not destroyed me.

For me it was the thought of what it could do to my family,i also had a friend who made a big difference to me considering it and having someone to talk to really helped.

I lost my dad not long ago and now i know what losing a family member does to a family and friends and what it feels like i ca say i will never even consider sui again.I look at other options now and ahead to the future.

[fluffytattie]

I've been thinking about suicide for a while now.

I've recently come out of a long-term relationship, during which I was hurt a great deal. I guess it was my own fault for always staying with him, but every time I tried to leave, it seemed I was unhappy without him, so why not be happy generally, even if it meant getting hurt from time to time? He lied to me, spread rumours about me, turned my friends against me, cheated on me and hit me. This went on for 3 years or so, but some time ago I got my act together and left him for good. I've been doing ok, but recently he's started sending me abusive texts and calling me at all hours of the night yelling insults at me. I dont want to have to change my number because of him, but its gotten so bad that Im now considering it. Every time I feel like Im on the road to recovery, he pulls a stunt like that and Im right back to square 1. The last time it happened was 2 nights ago. He's screwed me up, because he was the person I loved most in the whole world and he betrayed me. Now I find it very hard to trust. I'm terrified of getting involved with anybody else incase they do the same thing to me. I'd now, for the first time in my life, rather be lonely than put my heart out there to be crushed again. I used to be so happy and bubbly - now Im irritable, angry, jealous and always looking for revenge. It's not me anymore, and I hate it. I hate the person I am, and I hate what he's done to me. I now don't do anything because it makes me happy - I do it to spite him. I'll have things to do, or maybe just cant be bothered, but if I know there's aa possibility of him finding out what I've been up to and a chance that thaat might hurt him, I do it. I used to look forward to nights out.. now if I'm in my home town with my friends I'm terrified he'll be there and that he'll be with someone else.

My parents are currently going through a divorce and to begin with it was fine. They had been fighting for a while, and to be honest it was a bit of a relief when they said they were separating. That was a year ago, and recently my mum has just bought a new flat which she intends to stay put in. My dad has become angry, since it was my mum that left him and not the other way round, and I cant go to his house without hearing something horrible being said about her. Recently he told me not to bother coming back to see him because I was 'turning into her', among some other horrible things. He doesn't seem to care about me or how I'm feeling, he never bothers about what is going on in my life or how my course is going, he's only concerned with himself. He's the same with my little brother, who actually lives with him. He's angry all the time at us and says thigns that I know he doesn't really mean but that hurt just as much. It's like he doesn't understand that me and my brother have been affected by the divorce as well. He's making our lives hell. He's started trying to make my mum seem like a total bitch, and it's horrible. Now I've been given the choice.. I have to spend Christmas with one of them. I would automatically choose my mum, as from about the age of 14 me and my dad have never really gotten on, but apparently he will see this as another opportunity to kick up a fuss and will blame my mum for splitting the family up at christmas time. There's no way I can do what I want to do without upsetting anybody. I just want to curl up in a ball and forget that the whole day eeven exists.

I'm currently living away from home, about an hour and a half's drive, and I hate it. I have only a few friends up here, and I miss my mum so much. Whenever I go home, be it for a weekend or a few weeks at Easter or Christmas, it's a struggle to go back. I know that my friends would cheer me up and stop thinking like this, and that makes me want to just quit and go back home for a while, but I haave my flat which is under contract - I would hate to have to pay for it when Im not even getting the use out of it. Then there's the fact that staying up here keeps me away from my ex, but this makes me even angrier because he's the one down there without a care in the world, doing what he likes, going out with his friends, and generally having a simple life and a good time. And so the circle continues. I'm here to do my degree, a course I've wanted to do since I was 7 years old. And now, Im here, and Im not enjoying it. Its the only thing I ever wanted to do. Im not good at anything else, and I dont want to work in ASDA for the rest of my life. But Im not enjoying it, and Im not even any good at it. Ive got no motivation for it anymore. And it sucks, because I worked so hard to get here. And if I leave now, Ive done one and a half years, for what? I've lived in a flat I was majorly unhappy in, spent a hell of a lot of money on rent and travel, a lot of time doing uni work and assignments, and a lot of energy on placement. I feel I'll be unhappy either way, whether I leave or stay, and that bloody well sucks.

My future seems hopeless, because apparently Im going to be lonely for the rest of it relationship-wise, and I'm going to be in a job I've worked hard for but dont want to be in after all, with parents who feel the need to make me feel guilty about every decision I make, and no money to do what any normal 20-year-old should be doing (basically, having a bloody good time) because I've spent it all on rent to stay in a place I hate.

I cant talk to anybody about this, because I spoke to my ex when we were together about my feelings of commiting suicide, and he called me a stupid cow. He said that Im only 19 and these things arent the end of the world. But to me they're the end of the start of the world, so what's the point in continuing through these horrible days and feelings to get nowhere in the end? Im scared to talk incase other people say the same things. I know Im only young, but seriously, what is there to live for when all you're going to be doing the rest of your future is getting up, going to work, coming home, sleep, getting up going to work, sleep... for what, a few nights out a month? And then you somehow get through all of that, and you end up 65, in your house on your own, doing nothing all day every day. What is the point, seriously.

I'd probably have at least tried by now, if it wasnt for a few things. About a year ago, before I had any of these thoughts, there was a suicide story on the news. My brother and dad got talking about it, and both of them agreed that suicide is a pathetic thing to do, it shows weakness and its the easy way out. I dont want my family remembering me like that. My exes mum, who Im good friends with through work and also through my relationship with him recently tried to kill herself because she has lung cancer and was finding it too hard to cope with. Following this, I had a discussion with my best friend, who is also good friends with her, and she was devastated, and said to me that she didnt know how she would have coped if she had gone through with it, that every day she would have wondered if there was something more she could have done to help her, and that it would haunt her for the rest of her life. I dont want to do that to her, let alone anybody. Then, when I was researching ways to do it, a help site offered me this theory: "when you feel pain, what you want is relief, which is a feeling. to kill yourself is not an escape route, because it stops all feeling, therefore you will never ever get relief". and as much as you could argue that you maybe wouldnt feel relief but you certainly wouldnt feel pain anymore, I would die unhappy, and is that any way for a person to go? for their last remaining thoughts to be negative, focusing on the bad things which have happened? If sso, then the last 19 years of my existence have been a waste. I've been happy for nothing and I've been hurt for nothing.

So now I dont know what to do, basically. All I know is that I've done every mental health test on the net (through sheer denial) and apparently I have severe deppression, which I could believe. I'm going through a lot of emotional turmoil, and there are easy ways I could sort it out (like taking time out of my course, going home and spending time with my friends and family) but there are complications which mean I cant (if I drop out of uni just now, saas will refuse to pay for any more years of my degree therefore I'll have to pay for it myself when I decide to return and I cant afford that, staying away from home means Im away from my ex and kept bust, and my flat is under contract). I dont want to end my life, really, but sometimes I feel so bad that I think Id do anything to make it all go away. It seems that every time I have an option to make myself better, something is keeping me from it, getting in the road, as if Im not SUPPOSED to ever feel any better than I do.

It's a horrible situation to be in.

[MummyLea]

When I was 14 after being followed home by 3 vicious girls from school for the 4th time that week I decided I wasn't going to go on their terms and wanted to go on my own. Then after a blazing row with my mum I took as many tablets as I could find. Luckily my mum realised what I had done soon enough to get me to the hospital. Later on before I was diagnosed with Post Natal Depression a few months ago I thought about it so many times and how easy it would be living on a top floor flat. What stopped me? My beautiful baby daughter. Just looking at her took these feelings away, even if it was for just long enough for me to talk myself out of it.

[ChristianCaritas]

my mom, my dad, my grandma all are reasons i cannot go through with it for what'd it do them.

also God like i see him on the cross and recognize my pain in him so i feel like he's here dying with me and if thats true then i can't leave him...

[Ambrosia]

I have thought about it so many times but my kids and husband are the reason what stopped me,Nowadays i am doing much better since attending therapy,I'm not 100% there yet,I do still struggle but i'm no way as bad as i was a year ago :)

[MelodieDAme]

Thoughts of family and friends who care for me, though sometimes I feel like they don't care at all and that I'm just a burden and that it would prove to them how bad I really felt and that they'd never listened, but at the same time wouldn't want to put them through that.

I don't want to be known as that girl who committed sui because she couldn't cope...feel like it is a stigma,

and I don't want my family to be known as 'the one where that girl killed herself' either.

I've never actually attempted but have had thoughts MANY times over few years.

Scared it won't work, too, and I'll be disfigured or have severe problems.

Also feel like I tried in a past life and it did nothing because still here going through stuff...

Just want a way out of the pain though.

I hope everyone reading this realises they've made a difference to so many people's

lives, esp. mine, just by being here and sharing their thoughts and helping us see

we're not alone... so if you're feeling down, just remember I love you!

x

[skp67]

Suicide such a strong topic...is it right or wrong. Only you yourself can decide that one. I have tried 5 times within the last 6 months. I tend to do things on impulse, so hardly ever plan things out. My last 2 attempts were made during my stay at our local hospital where i was supposed to be under watch!!!

I have a wonderful family who i love and care for very much but when the demons get a grip on me there is nothing i can do to stop myself.... Yep selfish bitch some may read. And you are right.

I am now under the care of home treatment and my cpn with also seeing my therapist when she can fit me in.

New medication may be the way forward for me but "everyone is individual", and on that quote from an infamous film i end my ramblings.

Scally x

[Data]

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[just.me]

Data I think your post is a tad mean, the question may be perfectly valid to the OP.

If you had nothing constructive to say you would have been better placed not to have posted at all.