successful_workthru Posted October 13, 2009 Report Share Posted October 13, 2009 You seem to have described a feeling of invisibility. You are not a freak. You have feelings of hopelessness. Have you looked at ways you can heal your past? What about writing down your past and your feelings? Talking them through with someone? It takes time to open up, and maybe you could benefit from the theraputic tool of writing down your feelings, without anyone looking, then this will help you to open up to others. I am glad you are realising that you are not alone any more. It may seem that others are happy, but this is not always the case. We never know the misery that lurks behind a smiling face. Realising this helps us to see that there are people with problems too, and a smile can be deceptive. Many people put on a mask for the outside world. Many loud and jovial people only seem that way, and often, they have as much difficulty communicating as us. Maybe you just have not met like minded people yet. When trust is broken it takes time to rebuild. Our instincts are a good indicator of who to trust, and who not to. Please dont try to end it all, you never know if you will just come back into existance faced with the same lessons to learn, and be presented with the same problems. Although I have suicidal thoughts, this is the reason I havent tried suicide, because I fear suicide isnt the escape i hope it will be. This fear is greater, for me, than the act of committing suicide. Having your deeepest secrets told to others must have felt awful. This is why we have to choose our confidants carefully. When we are distressed we feel the need to just 'let it out' and often to the wrong people. It's not you who fails, its the people who break your confidence who fail. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steelflex Posted October 13, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 13, 2009 its ok roses i honestly dont mind if u wer to hijack my thread i wudnt really considering it hijacking it all honestly wer all on this forum to help eachother and to be helped if anything i welcome u to express ur feelings here. its been a long time since i trusted anyone with my secret the last person i trusted died with my secret which was a crushing blow to myself really. For the past wile ive always been very careful about hu i trust i dont just giv someone my trust they now have to earn my trust and prove their trust to me its really the only way Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted October 13, 2009 Report Share Posted October 13, 2009 Earning trust is good. We all have to earn trust it is not just given to us (as adults, with children it is unconditional). I'm glad that you are not trusting so easy. It's hard to get a balance between being too trusting and being too scheptical but I'm sure you will be fine. OK, so my stuff. There's lots of it. I'm apparently 'seeing' thing again although they ARE REAL. And I just made it official and logged an abuse case with the police against my brother. They called me earlier and are calling again tomorrow to talk in more detail. There is a special team who deal with this stuff and they may come here or I may visit them in a 'safe' house to take an official statement. I am shitting myself as they want his details and all that. I am currently nervous, extremely anxious and starting to doubt whether I should have done that or not. I don't know. I just know that in my heart of hearts what he did was wrong and at 15 and a half he should be at least partly responsible for his actions over the previous 4/5 years. Woah, well there it is out there in the cold. Please don't reject me now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steelflex Posted October 14, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 14, 2009 roses i am glad u av told me this as u previously no i am one for standing against injusice i always av been. now ur brother has wronged you and i am honestly so happy for you that you went and took that step you need to stand against things that have been done wrong against you. You have been ronged and its time to make it right and this is your way of doing it i stand behind you 100% i really honestly do i really wish i could be der as this continues on to give u some of what is left of my strength. I will not reject ive never been one for rejection u have opened up to me and i a gratefull and proud that u have done so. All i ask of you is to take that fear take all of your feelings and use thm for your advantage maybe east maybe not but i really think u shud stand proud for what u just did u did nothing rong if anything it was a right and i tink deep down u no it and all i ask is that u standup for the little person in this case being you and stand tall, fast and proud for what you have just done because i am proud of you and i am sure so many other members here are proud and you should be to. Thank you for sharing roses even when you didnt have to Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted October 14, 2009 Report Share Posted October 14, 2009 Thank you so much Steel, that means so much to me to hear you say that. I will keep you posted on how I get on. Your words were beautiful and so right and I am thankful that I have a friend in you, it has really lifted my spirits reading this today. Thank you again. How are you this morning? xxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steelflex Posted October 14, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 14, 2009 Well i do what i can for those hu stand tall. Im glad i could lift ur spirit today. Well this morning feeling fine for once and i went online to play a friend in a game of chess and checkers and just bout half way thru it now i wasnt thinkin of anything at all that could take how i felt this morning away from but it half way thru our game it just went to hell again. I just got really down just as i was standing tall i ended falling i still feel bad now but not as bad as it was this morning Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted October 14, 2009 Report Share Posted October 14, 2009 I'm glad you don't feel as bad as you did this morning. That is progress right? Thinking of you xxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steelflex Posted October 14, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 14, 2009 god dont you just hate when ur feel bad and then bam something happens and it makes u feel worse Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted October 15, 2009 Report Share Posted October 15, 2009 Yeah, I hate that feeling. How are you this morning? It seems your moods change pretty quickly right now, do you think perhaps you need to look at meds? xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steelflex Posted October 15, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 15, 2009 yeah my moods are rather confusing i would look into medication but i just dont believe in them even if they can and cant help i know im being stupid but its what i believe. Now the reason my mood has changed is because right now someone has takin my place. I have a best friend and im always there to help her always have been but now ive been replaced by some asshole and he is an asshole he hurt her more than anything ever could he told one lie but it was the worst thing ever he played with her feelings like an instrument it was unreal how hurt she was but now he replaced me and it feels awful it does to have someone take ur place its a crushing blow to the spirit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted October 15, 2009 Report Share Posted October 15, 2009 I'm so sorry you are going through this Steel. Do you still see your friend or has she cut you out completely? It hurts so much seeing someone you love and respect being hurt like that. Do you think she would confide in you if you had a chat? Do you think you could advise her gently without pushing her? She must feel so vulnerable right now. With regards to the meds. If you don't like taking conventional meds have you considered St John's Wort? Apparently a High Vitamin B12 dose can also help with MH illnesses and for the anxiety you can take Aconite 6 which is herbal and available from most chemists. Also Kalms do a herbal tablet for helping with sleep at night if you are struggling. Do you think any of that might help? xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steelflex Posted October 15, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 15, 2009 i have yet to cut out completely but i was always the one to confide in what was told to me was takin to my grave but now im the last to find out whats going on and whats new im the last to have been comed to to discuss a problem should the problem not have been solved alredy it just hurts that she can let this guy in and start to block me out now i know what it is like to be alone and sometimes i need to be alone while i suffer but this is just crushing Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steelflex Posted October 19, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 19, 2009 Ok i really havent givin much to the forums at all for healing or helping to begin and i did say it was because i was just getting used to the forums itself but honestly that was a lie if i dont admit it now i never will. I am afraid i am scared beyond belief im afraid that when things get bad and turn to people for help i will be rejected and i cant take rejection at all not well of course. Im a very negative person if i where to be positive id just be another liar and lies will just bring more pain to my life. I dont know what it is about me but when thing get bad for other people i know exactly what they should do and how they should do it but when it comes to myself i havent got a clue about how things should go and i know i probably shoudnt be likethis at all but how i am now its what haa come of year of suspressing memories and feelings. That was something that worked for so long but has lead me to be this way and more than likely when ive just delt with a few problems i will again surpress certain memories and feelings just to feel good about myself for just one day. The worst of all is roses i lied to you and fear is no excuse but i did lie to you and for that i am sorry im just very negative and very scared at the moment. There is no real excuse for this but all i ask is for the forums forgivness and roses aswell. I am sorry forums and i am sorry roses cause uve always been there. I need to overcome this fear and with help i hope to once be able to open up fully to people otherwise i will live with trust issues and end up blocking people out to a point where when it comes to my health and safety i will have noone to turn to. I am sorry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted October 19, 2009 Report Share Posted October 19, 2009 Morning Steel. xxxxx Thank you for such a detailed and well thought out post there. I just wanted to say well done, a MASSIVE well done for taking a leap of faith and telling me what is going on for you and how you are feeling. Thank you for trusting me and us enough to say that. You don't owe me an apology I knew you would speak up when you felt a bit more settled here and by the sounds of it our conversations have helped you a lot as you have managed to say all the things that make you feel so uncomfortable and confused. And you know what? I feel exactly the same. I fear rejection so much I always, always have a "show" face and it is rare that I really let myself go on here or anywhere in my life. It is usually only when I am really depserate that the real me comes out for any length of time. I am not lying, I am just not well enough to bare my soul that often either. You can see my soul in my poems. Trust is a very hard thing to have in people. especially when you have been hurt very badly. And lately you have lost a very good friend and are bound to be feeling under the weather. From what I have seen of you Steel you seem pretty alright to me. xxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steelflex Posted October 19, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 19, 2009 When it comes to people seeing who i am what ive done and all that its not really me at all. Its like a split personality out there people see the fake me and all the fake me does is supress memories and feeling just to hold a proud face so people dont actually know what im going through but when im at home or just on my home that when im myself that when i can sit down curl into a ball and do nothing. When i go out i make it look like im having a good time but thruth is im not having a good time at all the longer i stay out the harder it is for me to keep on the fake so i can keep the real hiddin away from everyone. I do this out of pure fear afraid that if i let people in they wont like what they see or hear and they will end up lookin at me different from there on and i wouldnt be able to handle that at all. Ive become so used to doing this for so many year i honestly dont know anything else do you have any idea on how i can stop this Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted October 19, 2009 Report Share Posted October 19, 2009 I guess therapy and time. Take small steps hun. I am not integrated at all so don't know. It's wierd I know it's not right yet I can't always control it. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steelflex Posted October 19, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 19, 2009 i know at this point even if i didnt want the fake to show itself it wud because ive done it for so long i dont control it antmore at all. So im pretty much unable to show people the real me yeah i can more than likely tell them but i just wont be able to show them Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted October 19, 2009 Report Share Posted October 19, 2009 Then sit a while and talk on here. I'm sure, given time things will be different for you Steel. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steelflex Posted November 2, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 2, 2009 Does it really get any better at all cause even the simplest thing like a picture or somthing dat reminds you u or even a word it can all be thrown to hell so henestly 100% is it ture does it get better or does everyone do what i do best and just hide it for just one moment of happyness someone tell me do we all do dat or does it get better and when and how Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted November 2, 2009 Report Share Posted November 2, 2009 I'm sorry Steel, I have no inspirational words today. I do that. Hide it away for a moment in the sunlight. But the darkness is always with me. Sorry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steelflex Posted November 2, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 2, 2009 i dont know what its is but the darkness blocks all form of lights and covers everything around you until it can finally consume you but just as things start to brightin up a little we are reminded of something maybe its a word or a picture or even a place but thats when the darkness strikes again. I would honestly give everything i have just to be happy again Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steelflex Posted November 4, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 4, 2009 so to everyone reading this im not sure as to why but i ask why do phone numbers appears on certain topics ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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