Okay, Enough Delay, I Have To Ask

[Aneurysm]

One of my friends always jokes that OCD is the one mental illness I definately don't have, because I'm unbearably messy. The idea of me having it doesn't seem to sit right anyway, but I've had certain things for years, that I want to go away, and as far as I know, they don't fit my dx's - BPD, BP2, Depression etc

Intrusive thoughts

Sexual ones - With anyone and everyone, depending on the person this can be vaguely amusing, indifferent, or fucking disturbing. Then my brain keeps telling me that this is something I want to do with said person, at least subconciously.

And most of the time, I really don't.

Violent ones - more often when I'm angry every person on the street becomes a potential target, and the image of me attacking them can become really intense to the point where I wonder if it will actually happen. Violence against myself too.

Sometimes it has been really bad, i.e. one time I was carrying my little brother over a bridge that went over a motorway, and the thought to fling him over the edge was constant and unbearable - for a minute I thought all free will would disappear and I would just do it - By the time we had reached the other side I was shaking and holding on to him so tightly I'm amazed he could breathe!

I've never talked about this with anyone or any therapist, with the exception of telling my mum once, she said that when I was a baby she used to get thoughts to push my pram in front of a car, that they were just random and everyone got them. So that calmed me a bit.

And then I thought back to when I was younger, occasionally I had to lift my legs off the floor (still do sometimes, have to do it now I've typed it!)to cause or prevent a certain occurence. Things like my whole family dying was one, but a lot of the time they were more mundane things. At the moment if I get a text I'll lift my feet up before I read it, to make sure it has a positive outcome. And before you start thinking I'm completely bonkers, I don't even actually believe that it does affect the outcome of the text message, thats just the thought. But it relaxes me a bit.

Also when I notice my books aren't all pushed to the back of the bookcase so they line up, I have to go and push them back, always have. But only when I do notice things like that, which isn't often.

But I never wash my hands repeatedly, and I have the same standards of cleanliness as your average sewer rat. Bree van de Kamp I ain't.

So whats going on!!!! Help. :(

[Roses]

Sexual ones - With anyone and everyone, depending on the person this can be vaguely amusing, indifferent, or fucking disturbing. Then my brain keeps telling me that this is something I want to do with said person, at least subconciously.

And most of the time, I really don't.

Promisuity is common with BPD and mental illness. I totally understand this and used sex as a weapon/game/self-esteem boost for years.

Violent ones - more often when I'm angry every person on the street becomes a potential target, and the image of me attacking them can become really intense to the point where I wonder if it will actually happen. Violence against myself too.

Violence is also well documented with BPD, a lot of young men/women only get diagnosed once they are in her majesty's house.

Sometimes it has been really bad, i.e. one time I was carrying my little brother over a bridge that went over a motorway, and the thought to fling him over the edge was constant and unbearable - for a minute I thought all free will would disappear and I would just do it - By the time we had reached the other side I was shaking and holding on to him so tightly I'm amazed he could breathe!

This sounds like intrusive thoughts babe, I get awful ones involving my children and myself. Again, is a mental health/BPD thing.

I've never talked about this with anyone or any therapist, with the exception of telling my mum once, she said that when I was a baby she used to get thoughts to push my pram in front of a car, that they were just random and everyone got them. So that calmed me a bit.

I'm glad that you have managed to talk on here Aneurysm, well done. xxx

And then I thought back to when I was younger, occasionally I had to lift my legs off the floor (still do sometimes, have to do it now I've typed it!)to cause or prevent a certain occurence. Things like my whole family dying was one, but a lot of the time they were more mundane things. At the moment if I get a text I'll lift my feet up before I read it, to make sure it has a positive outcome. And before you start thinking I'm completely bonkers, I don't even actually believe that it does affect the outcome of the text message, thats just the thought. But it relaxes me a bit.

Also when I notice my books aren't all pushed to the back of the bookcase so they line up, I have to go and push them back, always have. But only when I do notice things like that, which isn't often.

These last bits sound like you are trying to control your environment because you possibly feel out of control of your emotions? It is slightly obsessive, but we all have our little 'ways' and I don't think they sound severe enough to be an indicator for OCD, but I'm no expert.

But I never wash my hands repeatedly, and I have the same standards of cleanliness as your average sewer rat. Bree van de Kamp I ain't.

So whats going on!!!! Help.

I hope this helps hun xxx

[hummm_mabbe]

Hmm

I have all that stuff too

Erm dunno. I know 9I think) why I have the sexual stuff, and could write it all out but its kinna mundane really. The thoughts of killing people, well that comes from feeling on edge and threatened. Odd urges to do things to defenceless things I think comes from the inner fear that others might think you want to do it, like being so para that people might see you as a child killer that your brain actually makes you feel the urge just so it can get a handle on it.

I dont have BPD and I get all that stuff too, dunno how this is supposed to be helpful ...

[Roses]

I guess what you are trying to say Ross is that any mh illness could potentially have these syymptoms. Think that is what I was trying to say too. xxx

[Aneurysm]

okay, has reassured me a bit, if it's BPD stuff I can cope with that, I'm doing battle with it anyway

I'll talk it over with my new pdoc when I see him, see if he recommends anything. Apparently he's nice. I'll believe that when I see it.

Thanks guys.

[Jinxsta]

Hi there,

I have OCD, the things you mention are OCD typical (although like others have said can be linked with other MH issues). You do not have to be obbsessed with cleanliness to have OCD, that is just the most common and well known factors of OCD. The intrusive thoughts are present in everyone, the difference between having OCD and not having it is Mr normal will have an intrusive thought, and he may initially panic but then hes brain will filter it as a nonsense thought and chuck it in the reject bin, Mr OCD will get an intrusive thought, experience high anxiety, and will either neautralize the thought with a compulsion (EG; touch the table 3times) or the anxiety will just stay...the brain doesn't filter it out although 99% of the time will recognize the thought/compulsion/obbsession as illogical. I believe the thing they go by the most to diagnose it is how much time intrusive thoughts/rituals/checking/counting take up, if its over 3 hours a day thats usually OCD, hope that helps.

XxX

[ms_fett]

Hey aneurysm,

I know what you mean about the intrusive (and sometimes disturbing) sexual thoughts. I experience them too along with vivid flashes of me committing acts of violence sometimes car accidents while I'm driving. The other day I had a flash of me picking up my cat and throwing her into the wall. My anger terrifies me so I keep it suppressed deep down where it festers and turns into poison. I think writing about our flashes and intrusive thoughts might be a safer way to get them out. I'm thinking of getting a lock box so I can keep a log of them inside while quieting my paranoia of somebody finding and reading them. That's the one thing that usually keeps me from writing.

You can also be messy and OCD. OCD doesn't actually have to be about cleanliness though it often is. OCD is just repetitive behavior that people have to perform to calm their anxiety like always checking a door lock three times before trusting it's locked or having to open and close the fridge five times before walking away.