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*trigger Warning* Sh


Sammy

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Ok so yeah I used to self harm a lot, like daily, often several times a day, then I stopped for 4 years. Then I met Martin and I started self harming again - first 2 years of our relationship were difficult for me because letting someone in to my life, trying to learn to trust them threw up tons of confusion for me, however about a year ago I managed to stop cutting again and have only had a couple of slip ups since then - till now.

When grandad went into hospital I cut my legs - at the top, quite badly several times, for the first time Martin was really good with me about it and instead of having a go at me just said to me, I'm not going to say anything, just hold you.

The problem is that previously my self harm came with many reason from trying to block out emotional pain, to anger, to self punishment etc...but now it's like an obsession/compulsion. Now I have this thing in my head that if I stop cutting something bad is going to happen, it's like I feel it's my fault my grandad died. We got some money recently and I said when we got it that it would be a curse and something bad would happen, and then grandad died, and now I am scared something else will happen if I don't keep cutting myself.

Ok so I know 'rationally and logically' that this is a ridiculous belief system but this knowledge isn't wiping out the over riding fear I have - it's I guess like a superstition I now have. I feel that if I'd not accepted the money or I'd cut myself earlier my grandad would still be alive.

I know how crazy this sounds, I really do - I know this is my mental health and I'm going 'psycho' or something, but I can't stop it, when I'm not doing it, I'm thinking about it, trying to figure out how much I need to do to make things right, am I doing enough etc...

I've put this here in ocd area because I do get ocd and unlike previous self harming I've done, this feels ocd - though maybe some delusion there too - except if it were delusion I wouldn't even be questioning it.

I don't know how to stop, I don't know how to make myself want to stop. And so that it doesn't feel like 'normal' self harming, I'm stopping myself doing it to my arms and instead I'm doing it to my legs, which is not something I'd ever done before till recently, like somehow I almost don't feel as though it's self harm this way because I'm not doing it to hurt myself as such, I'm doing it so no one else gets hurt, it doesn't feel like a choice anymore, it feels like a compulsion and a responsibility. I mean yeah I know it hurts, but....if you jumped in front of a bus to stop someone else getting run over - it wouldn't class as suicide would it? Even though you chose to jump in front of the bus!

And that's how this feels, like I'm doing it to save others not to hurt myself. I dunno if any of this is making any sense at all, probably not.

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Also please don't feel sorry for me, thinking I'm feeling down and depressed, I can honestly say I'm not. Yeah I've had some mood swings and stuff, but in general I feel fine, I'm doing ok - this is not depression, when I do it I'm not sat in bath in tears and despairing as in the past when I've self harmed, I feel calm and like this is my mission.

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it makes perfect sense to me hunni...

but i think that we both kno that it isnt a healthy thing to do... do u have a mh team person you can talk to about this... i kno only a lil about ocd and from what i think i kno, it is more usual to do inconvenient things rather than harmful things, which puts this in a whole different ball park... (sorry if i am ignorant and worng, i mean no offence to OCD sufferers believe me and i am sorry if i caused any)

what u feel and what u believe are very very real to you and i think u need to get professional help to try and break this behaviour pattern... u kno it aint right to do, but you fear for your loved ones if you dont do it... that is a very powerful feeling and one that needs the right help to overcome or find other ways to cope...

((((((((((((((reject))))))))))))))

sorry if this comes across as blunt, but i only say it cos i care bout you... i am also crap with words and often say things the wrong way...

please also make sure that you tend to yourself properly after u have cut... i am sure u do, but jus felt i needed to say it...

sending you loads of love

xxxx

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Yeah I wasn't sure where to put it, because I'm sure there are various categories it could fit in - paranoia, maybe psychosis I dunno, maybe delusions I dunno, but I put it here because the 'feeling' I get with it is the same as with the 'ocd' feelings I get when I become obsessed with something or when I feel I 'have' to do something, which is why it 'feels' more like ocd than anything else, although this is new to me so I can't really diagnose what I'm doing right now. Like I say it doesn't 'feel' like self harm, just as if I jumped in front of a bus to save someone else it wouldn't 'feel' like sui.

Mh team never have helped me with anything, all broken promises - no referals, have a new cpn but dunno how she'd respond to this, scared of judgement, criticism, invalidation or being told 'reality' as she sees it I suppose. I don't need/want anyone to tell me that what I'm doing is wrong thinking (in a way I know that already), or that I'm irrational (think I know that too) or that what I do to myself can not have effect on others lives in sense of saving them (because I think - urgh I dunno, I know those things from their perspective already without them saying it) but none of that is going to change this urge/obsession/compulsion/fear that I am having.

I could up my dose of anti psychotics and hope that helps though maybe. I don't want to ask doctor first though, I am fed up of my doctor and psychiatrists and everyone, I don't want to tell them, it's like oh no here she comes again! I know that's all they think so what's the point?

I'm sorry I know I'm doing just what I hate others doing, which is to argue any advice and make excuses as to 'why I can't do that'. And really I just appreciate that someone is here and has 'heard' me and 'cares', because I know from your reply you do regardless of whether I feel able to follow the advice or not, it still means a lot to me.

I guess right now I don't feel safe, I don't feel those I love are safe and I'm scared for us all. I'm scared something really bad is going to happen and that I'll lose everyone and everything, because so far that's what is happening, everything is slipping through my fingers and I don't know how to stop it, like trying to hold water in my hand and it just keeps leaking out.

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you have been through so much jus recently hunni... it is no wonder you are feeling like this... i kno that having to see and deal with certain members of your family has made the passing of your grandfather all the more painful and i so feel for you and at the same time admire and respect the way that you have coped with it and come out the other side still fighting...

maybe it is time to take some time out for you... can you try and do summat nice for you... dunno may help...

i dont see your reply as rejection of what i say, i kno only too well, that it is easy to dole out advice... i do it here all the time and yet sometimes i cant help myself even tho i kno what i should do...

btw my t hates the word should... there is no such thing as how you should react or feel etc!!!! summat i struggle with...

jus try be kind to you... you have achieved so much and even tho maybe it doesnt feel like it atm, yuo are a stronger person for it...

hopefully, given time, it will all settle down... maybe it is even your way of grieving - dunno - jus throwing that into the equation...

jus as long as you are safe, it is ok to do what you need to do to survive this shitty time...

here for yuo unconditionally, whatever...

love and hugs (cos u need loads of that atm methinks)

Kath

xx

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