jillv Posted May 23, 2010 Report Share Posted May 23, 2010 I think one of my worst is something that I didn't feel shame about at the time, but I do now, 26 years later. When my daughter was born, she cried non-stop, day and night. I felt very inadequate because I obviously didn't understand her needs. One day I was in the town and she was screaming so I left her outside a shop in her pram and went inside. I hoped and prayed someone would take her, who would be able to give her a better life. When I came out she was still there, still screaming. I walked off in tears (with her!) because obviously no-one else wanted her either. My mother/sister, took great pains to tell her this story, as soon as she was old enough to understand. They thought it ws rather funny, I think. Now she maintains that the incident is the cause of her own fears of abandonment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted May 23, 2010 Report Share Posted May 23, 2010 (((((Kalico)))))) I understand totally. I had a screamer first time too x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fedup! Posted May 23, 2010 Report Share Posted May 23, 2010 RaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAARGHHHH! to drunken shamey stuff eeeeeeaoowwwww!!! NEVER want to feel like that again!!! **fedup! gets down to DFS to bag us all a load of sofas to curl up on** Love you all, shamey people xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boobsticle Posted May 24, 2010 Report Share Posted May 24, 2010 I have so many things that I can't even single out one Though a 'small' thing that I'm ashamed of seems kind of paradoxical, generally when I'm ashamed of something I blow it out of proportion entirely, so the 'small' bit ceases to exist within a couple of seconds. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SusieQ Posted May 24, 2010 Report Share Posted May 24, 2010 Shame is when your gp tells you that what you are dealing with is just 'normal life stress'. So I can't cope with life... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted May 24, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 24, 2010 i have big issues with shame too. i mean, a lot of stuff i do, i feel ashamed about, even if they're just silly things that other people probably didn't even notice. like i'll just start babbling about something and then realise the other person can't even here me cos i'm mumbling or whatever cos i'm so nervous. anything i do when i'm drunk, i mean, i spose that's embarrassing but i don't find it shameful exactly, cos it's like...that's just drink, not really the same thing for me. that guy sounds pretty pompous himself if you ask me, ross. i mean, telling someone else how they should act/what they should say is basically dictionary definition pompous. do you think it's cos you perceived him as "better" than you that you found he could say what he liked but not the other way round? i do find that as i get more confident i'm more able to think clearly in those situations. like if my flatmate asks me to be more tidy, before i'd have felt so ashamed, like she was saying i was dirty or disgusting. but i know that i'm not, she is just a bit tidier than me. neither of us are really in the wrong but while i would normally spend ages brooding about it, to her it's just a flippant comment she's made that she'll probably never think about again. same with you and that guy in my opinion, although it's not exactly the same situation. i get a lot of feelings of shame over how i dress (which i think is something we've talked about before). i do dress quite out there (i mean, i'm not lady gaga or anything, but this is a conservative country amiright?) and i feel so ashamed when people make comments about me. i do NOT enjoy the comments (i pondered for a bit if i was getting some kind of masochistic pleasure from them but i definitely don't). i would be so happy just to fade into the background, not have anyone ever make a comment about me. on the other hand, i like to wear the clothes i like and don't want to change just cos a few assholes think that whistling or calling me a slag is acceptable. i KNOW that's it's their problem, not mine, but i still get that feeling of disgust with myself when it happens. shame is the worst feeling. i'm sorry you feel it ross, and everyone else ((()))) Hello I had a dream about you last night, I was in your car which according to my brain is a blue ford fiesta. I found £1.43 down the side of a seat and put it in your ash tray, where I got a bit of chewing gum stuck to my finger. Some of my friends from past places were there too. Thought I would tell you that lol. Oh in the dream I didnt know what you looked like, and said to my friend "do you find you cant remember what esme looks like"? And I realised on waking thats because you are an internet person who I have only seen one photo of once very briefly. You looked like you were singing in it. With the shamey stuff, sounds like you meet it all quite head on, like "screw u" style Like you feela bit shamey but have good ways of making it healthy and stuff. I find it very hard to get that healthy distance for shizzle I guess with meat man it was cuz he was the interviewer, but yeah mabbe I saw him as better too, I also saw it as "just another example of me being a dick" cuz back then I didnt realise how me emotional issues drove me personality prollems. I was always trying to be fucking eton boy or mr charisma, trying far too hard and coming off like a tool .. so it just felt like another example of that. To be honest you are right though, because right after that he started telling some girl he obviously fancied that "shetland ponies really are adorable and small arent they", so maybe the guy had the same issue as me and just didnt like to be confronted with his own worst attributes. Yes I shall chalk that one up to projection on his part, not me trying to be Bertie Wooster I can sort of laugh about it now, cuz I know I did used to do that stuff. Think am a bit freer of it now, but still have this shamey stuff to work on ... Ross Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted May 24, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 24, 2010 Do you mean like cringeworthy stuff? God I try so hard to not think about things like that! Generally they refer to sex! Or how I have behaved in a relationship. I woke up in a police cell once soaking wet, they had picked me up off the floor outside a club, I was passed out under a bench. My friend let me knock back ten shots, and say see you later feel ill, and when I hit the fresh air passed out. Some kind dude had called the old bill cos he was worried about me. I woke up drenched and not in sweat, I had been so drunk, I had just wet myself constantly in the cell! Jeez. Sounds gross, first I knew it had happened was when they opened the cell door at 6.30 am and said hey you can go home! I was like what the fuck! That was 2003! Oh yus exactly those kind of incidents - the ones that make you cringe and want to pretend you havent remembered it ... I had a few ones like that, though I managaed somehow to not end up in a cell. Close calls and that My friends should have been more aware of my lightweightedness and manacled my drinking arm behind me **hugs sioux now that all the pee is gone** Ross Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted May 24, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 24, 2010 I think one of my worst is something that I didn't feel shame about at the time, but I do now, 26 years later. When my daughter was born, she cried non-stop, day and night. I felt very inadequate because I obviously didn't understand her needs. One day I was in the town and she was screaming so I left her outside a shop in her pram and went inside. I hoped and prayed someone would take her, who would be able to give her a better life. When I came out she was still there, still screaming. I walked off in tears (with her!) because obviously no-one else wanted her either. My mother/sister, took great pains to tell her this story, as soon as she was old enough to understand. They thought it ws rather funny, I think. Now she maintains that the incident is the cause of her own fears of abandonment. ((kalico)) That is a very painful story to read hun Thank you for being brave enough to tell it, it must be heartbreaking to look back and see how you felt, especially now if those feelings arent so powerful. I really hope that one day you can talk to your daughter about it honestly. I think that being honest, listening to her feelings about it, and if she needs it, showing how sorry you feel for it, will go a long way to healing any abandonment thingies she may have, and it may bring you closer. I know how hard it must be to face that horrible shame feeling though As much as I moan about my parents, they are human and they make human mistakes, and if they can face up to them and not try to make it the childs fault (as some parents can sometimes do) then I think that can help enormously. ((kalico)) (second hug as think is needed) Ross Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted May 24, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 24, 2010 RaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAARGHHHH! to drunken shamey stuff eeeeeeaoowwwww!!! NEVER want to feel like that again!!! **fedup! gets down to DFS to bag us all a load of sofas to curl up on** Love you all, shamey people xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Can u get a couple of them corner ones plz thx lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted May 24, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 24, 2010 I have so many things that I can't even single out one Though a 'small' thing that I'm ashamed of seems kind of paradoxical, generally when I'm ashamed of something I blow it out of proportion entirely, so the 'small' bit ceases to exist within a couple of seconds. Does it hit you like a wave of panic? Thats what I get :( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted May 24, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 24, 2010 Shame is when your gp tells you that what you are dealing with is just 'normal life stress'. So I can't cope with life... I would call that 'time to speak to a more empathic doctor' I have 4 doctors I can see, but there is only one that I feel actually takes my MH issues seriously, or at least is empathic. Ross Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jillv Posted May 24, 2010 Report Share Posted May 24, 2010 Thanks for the hugs Ross. Much needed. Although I had probably been suffering from depression for years before that incident, it was really the beginning of my MH problems. I was diagnosed with postnatal depression shortly after. I loved my baby, but I felt I had no empathy with her. I refused to let any one else look after her, I was completely obsessed about her cleanliness, didn't like anyone else touching her. Refused to stop breast feeding, even ho it was ehausting me. When she was eleven months old my mother took her away from me, for the weekend so I could 'stop all that nonsense'. She was returned to me with photos of her sitting in her high chair, covered in food, so I could see what a good time she'd had. My daughter breast fed her baby till she was three, despite my mother trying to instil the same shameful feelings in her. Sorry this has got a bit heavy. This is all something I haven't thought about for years, and it opens a big can of worms. Need a fag now xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted May 24, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 24, 2010 Thanks for the hugs Ross. Much needed. Although I had probably been suffering from depression for years before that incident, it was really the beginning of my MH problems. I was diagnosed with postnatal depression shortly after. I loved my baby, but I felt I had no empathy with her. I refused to let any one else look after her, I was completely obsessed about her cleanliness, didn't like anyone else touching her. Refused to stop breast feeding, even ho it was ehausting me. When she was eleven months old my mother took her away from me, for the weekend so I could 'stop all that nonsense'. She was returned to me with photos of her sitting in her high chair, covered in food, so I could see what a good time she'd had. My daughter breast fed her baby till she was three, despite my mother trying to instil the same shameful feelings in her. Sorry this has got a bit heavy. This is all something I haven't thought about for years, and it opens a big can of worms. Need a fag now xx Hi Kalico It seems a shame that your mum felt she needed to do that so often to you, make you feel ashamed or inadequate. It doesnt help when you are fighting these things to constantly have the rug taken from under your feet. I dont know about your past, but it may be that mum always did that subtle chipping away at you even when you were little - so often these chronic sensitivities to shame come from the very real fear we can have as kids, that our 'shamefulness' will lead to our parents not loving us. I know when I feel the shame of panic, I tend to 'see' the face of my mum going off on one. Its a pattern that can be broken, but it is helpful to see where it may have started. If mum is still doing it to you now, its like having a regular 'shame update' each day Ross Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bena.baby Posted May 24, 2010 Report Share Posted May 24, 2010 i have big issues with shame too. i mean, a lot of stuff i do, i feel ashamed about, even if they're just silly things that other people probably didn't even notice. like i'll just start babbling about something and then realise the other person can't even here me cos i'm mumbling or whatever cos i'm so nervous. anything i do when i'm drunk, i mean, i spose that's embarrassing but i don't find it shameful exactly, cos it's like...that's just drink, not really the same thing for me. that guy sounds pretty pompous himself if you ask me, ross. i mean, telling someone else how they should act/what they should say is basically dictionary definition pompous. do you think it's cos you perceived him as "better" than you that you found he could say what he liked but not the other way round? i do find that as i get more confident i'm more able to think clearly in those situations. like if my flatmate asks me to be more tidy, before i'd have felt so ashamed, like she was saying i was dirty or disgusting. but i know that i'm not, she is just a bit tidier than me. neither of us are really in the wrong but while i would normally spend ages brooding about it, to her it's just a flippant comment she's made that she'll probably never think about again. same with you and that guy in my opinion, although it's not exactly the same situation. i get a lot of feelings of shame over how i dress (which i think is something we've talked about before). i do dress quite out there (i mean, i'm not lady gaga or anything, but this is a conservative country amiright?) and i feel so ashamed when people make comments about me. i do NOT enjoy the comments (i pondered for a bit if i was getting some kind of masochistic pleasure from them but i definitely don't). i would be so happy just to fade into the background, not have anyone ever make a comment about me. on the other hand, i like to wear the clothes i like and don't want to change just cos a few assholes think that whistling or calling me a slag is acceptable. i KNOW that's it's their problem, not mine, but i still get that feeling of disgust with myself when it happens. shame is the worst feeling. i'm sorry you feel it ross, and everyone else ((()))) Hello I had a dream about you last night, I was in your car which according to my brain is a blue ford fiesta. I found £1.43 down the side of a seat and put it in your ash tray, where I got a bit of chewing gum stuck to my finger. Some of my friends from past places were there too. Thought I would tell you that lol. Oh in the dream I didnt know what you looked like, and said to my friend "do you find you cant remember what esme looks like"? And I realised on waking thats because you are an internet person who I have only seen one photo of once very briefly. You looked like you were singing in it. With the shamey stuff, sounds like you meet it all quite head on, like "screw u" style Like you feela bit shamey but have good ways of making it healthy and stuff. I find it very hard to get that healthy distance for shizzle I guess with meat man it was cuz he was the interviewer, but yeah mabbe I saw him as better too, I also saw it as "just another example of me being a dick" cuz back then I didnt realise how me emotional issues drove me personality prollems. I was always trying to be fucking eton boy or mr charisma, trying far too hard and coming off like a tool .. so it just felt like another example of that. To be honest you are right though, because right after that he started telling some girl he obviously fancied that "shetland ponies really are adorable and small arent they", so maybe the guy had the same issue as me and just didnt like to be confronted with his own worst attributes. Yes I shall chalk that one up to projection on his part, not me trying to be Bertie Wooster I can sort of laugh about it now, cuz I know I did used to do that stuff. Think am a bit freer of it now, but still have this shamey stuff to work on ... Ross Sorry for gettin chewing gum on your finger, should have told you it was there. I'm not singing in the photo, I'm pretending to scream. Me and my friend were making a photo storyboard about me being stranded on an island of which she was the evil ruler. And that's why I heart being a teacher. I spose I am able to reason out my problems with shame, especially with anything related to being female cos I read so much feministy stuff and it helps a lot. I think reading philosophy in general does help a lot. I'm not sure how long it will take me to not feel that initial horrid burst of shame, but I don't think I turn things over in my head as much I used to. Glad you're working on your probs anyway x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted May 24, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 24, 2010 Lol so do you actually have a blue ford fiesta? Or a blue car? Do you even have a car? Im hoping and wishing that Im clairvoyant you see :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bena.baby Posted May 24, 2010 Report Share Posted May 24, 2010 I don't so much not have a car as not even have a driving license! It's always been a bit pointless cos I left home when I was 17 and have always lived in a big city since then so no need to drive (also constantly skint, probably couldn't afford lessons). When I think about it though, I think my da had a blue fiesta for a bit. Could be conflating 2 different cars though. Yah, conflating. Early times for big words. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted May 24, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 24, 2010 I don't so much not have a car as not even have a driving license! It's always been a bit pointless cos I left home when I was 17 and have always lived in a big city since then so no need to drive (also constantly skint, probably couldn't afford lessons). When I think about it though, I think my da had a blue fiesta for a bit. Could be conflating 2 different cars though. Yah, conflating. Early times for big words. **likes words** :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boobsticle Posted May 24, 2010 Report Share Posted May 24, 2010 I have so many things that I can't even single out one Though a 'small' thing that I'm ashamed of seems kind of paradoxical, generally when I'm ashamed of something I blow it out of proportion entirely, so the 'small' bit ceases to exist within a couple of seconds. Does it hit you like a wave of panic? Thats what I get Yeah, sometimes it even escalates into a panic attack :( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted May 24, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 24, 2010 Yeah, sometimes it even escalates into a panic attack I can relate to that I think yus Had panic attacks a few years back. Nowadays I will 'go a bit wibble' if directly faced with it, like all my coping mechanisms spontaneously break down and its like the scene where arnie melts the meltie terminator in terminator 2 and all his past guises come out one after the other. Ross Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thesloaneranger Posted May 24, 2010 Report Share Posted May 24, 2010 seeing everyones opened up a wee bit, ill share a couple of things i did which i can laugh at now, but made me so ashamed at the time! 1. at my great grandmas funeral, all the family were standing outside the crematorium after the service.....i said "does anyone else smell barbeque? its not really the weather for it!" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! oooooooops! 2. a few years ago i was on a night out with my hubby and the object of the evening was to poach a barman id spotted for our pub. in an attempt to appear id be a cool boss, i downed 10 double aftershocks (purple hazes-red and blue mixed!) in 10 minutes!!! needless to say i was in a taxi home soon after!! never went back to that bar, and never got the barman either! grr! lol! 3. when my daughter was a couple of weeks old, i walked into town, parked her pram outside a shop....and was halfway home before i remembered i was missing something! lol! luckily i went back and she was fine, but i felt really bad about it. these are the more humourous ones, but of course theres heavier stuff...not gonna add that to the thread tho. i am glad to see im not the only one who hides my MH books tho....thats made me feel soooo much less guilty to having them! lol! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted May 24, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 24, 2010 MENTAL HEALTH BOOK OWNERS UNITE!!! OMG your thread made me chuckle sloaney, you could send them up to Mitchell and Webb to include in Peep Show Hope you feel ok about them now, they are just more stuffz in the great shamey wheel of life Welcome to the shamey club where we all cast off our shamey and cavort around naked, or in skid marked y-fronts depending on how 'shame attacking' we are feeling :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thesloaneranger Posted May 24, 2010 Report Share Posted May 24, 2010 *dances around in wonder woman jammies whilst waving "CBT for dummies" book* lol! its a group i feel proud to be a part of lol! i can laugh at them now - we wouldnt be human if we didnt feck up now and again hey?! lol! x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted May 24, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 24, 2010 **runs around in skiddie pants** Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted May 24, 2010 Report Share Posted May 24, 2010 OK I remembered a classic.... I am veggie now and I never liked meat. Mum took me for a day out to her friends house. She was a very nice lady and she served this mince meat bake thing for tea. I think I was about 8 or so. She asked me if I liked it and I said..... "it tasted like dog poo" !!!!!! My Mum told me off so severely that in the car park there is a picture of me and her and my eyes are red all around them :( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thesloaneranger Posted May 24, 2010 Report Share Posted May 24, 2010 pmsl @ roses.......erm, how do u know what dog poo tastes like??? lol....only messing hun! ive done that a few times as a child, because i HATE tomatoes....taste like spew to me, so your not alone! lol! x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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