hummm_mabbe Posted June 2, 2010 Report Share Posted June 2, 2010 Hello I dunno why I felt I wanted to write this, just wanted to get it out I guess. I was just making breakfast, and something sort of came to me, as it sometimes does. Normally I just kinda push it out my mind and dont pay too much attention to it, but I dunno today, today it made me feel really sad. Im 32. My flatmate has a kid with his partner. Im sort of aware that the age of mid thirties is pretty much the time most people have kids. But there is this sense inside of me that I have so far to go emotionally that I wonder if it will really ever happen. I am still working on my avoidance and anxiety. That makes it very hard to actually meet someone. Then there is time to form a relationship, to figure out if you want to commit, and then there is the issue of will she be young enough? A woman my own age, you know, biological clock and all that... will my own emotional problems be sufficiently healed that I wont pass them on through my behaviour? But I guess it was less the details of 'why I cant' and more just the realisation to me that this might even be important. The idea I might not have kids, well really Im sitting here writing and tears are coming to my eyes. And that is a surprise to me. I didnt know it bothered me so much... Not many more words I can put to that really. I guess Im not looking for reassurance or anything, I guess im not sure I would believe it ... more I just wanted someone to know all this. To sort of share that feeling, if that doesnt sound too odd? Ross Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted June 2, 2010 Report Share Posted June 2, 2010 You are heard by me and I understand as well. I like the thought of little Rossie's running around somewhere too. You are an amazing man and your children will be amazing too. You have come so far since I have had the privilege of knowing you, and I'm sure you will carry on travelling along in this way. It will come to pass. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted June 2, 2010 Author Report Share Posted June 2, 2010 Hi Rosie Poppits Thank you Its odd, cuz as so often happens when something makes me sad, its like I feel it all overwhelmingly, and then it suddenly vanishes. Its like something comes along and 'steals' my sadness - not that its gone, or I was never sad - more that something actually cuts it out and runs off with it. I guess its the inner armour, the detaching thing - but now I read this back and its like I cant really feel it now. But I guess it will come back again, that feeling. I guess im saying that as Im finding it hard to respond emotionally to your reply, as my inner 'blankness' has sort of made itself known, if that makes sense? Ross Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dani Posted June 2, 2010 Report Share Posted June 2, 2010 Ross-i think as roses said you have come so far and you would make a great dad im sure couples have children well into their 40's these days so i know its hard but you still have plenty of time. i think its so good you are concentrating on your own issues right now before havingg to be responsible for anybody else. plus you could meet someone who already has kids too xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted June 2, 2010 Report Share Posted June 2, 2010 I totally understand. It's like it really upsets you to the core of your soul and then all of a sudden it disappears like Miss Popoff from Rentaghost! Yes, I agree it is inner armour. However, feelings do come and go. Have you ever meditated on the thought that this 'here then gone' thing is just a highly exhagerrated reaction? Whereas thoughts come and go naturally inside of us all the time the ones you can't deal with come and go much more quickly and with a deeper intensity. But it does not mean they are gone, just pushed away so vehemently that they 'appear' to have vanished! Then you grieve for the loss of the thought and that is the emptyness and blankness. It is perhaps despair? ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Ross)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted June 2, 2010 Author Report Share Posted June 2, 2010 Hi Roses Yus thats it, holds its nose and then its gone. I like the buddhist idea of impermanence - meditating on that does help to accept when these things arise and pass away like that definitely. A lot came up for me just now, found myself going through a lot of emotions including anger apparently at my mum... its not directed at anyone here but I didnt feel comfy writing it out, when I get angry like that it tends to spill over onto others Will prolly take it to my T next session ... My armadillo mode is coming on ... Tis interesting, that seems to be my pattern. Feel some sad or depressed feeling, then it vanishes, then when I try to talk about it I feel angry and defensive and afraid my anger will make others get angry at me too... Tis helpful to see that in action. ((huggles)) though .... Ross Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted June 2, 2010 Author Report Share Posted June 2, 2010 Ross-i think as roses said you have come so far and you would make a great dad im sure couples have children well into their 40's these days so i know its hard but you still have plenty of time. i think its so good you are concentrating on your own issues right now before havingg to be responsible for anybody else. plus you could meet someone who already has kids too xx Fankooo dani tinkle berry I think I shall just have to be a sugar daddy and find myself some 20 something when Im about 60... hopefully not an anna nicole smith thingie ... Ross Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted June 2, 2010 Author Report Share Posted June 2, 2010 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted June 2, 2010 Report Share Posted June 2, 2010 have you meditated on that horrible vulnerable feeling? Quite often strong anger is a person's way of counterattacking (got that word from the Bible LOL) the almost unbearable vunlnerability that comes with showing or feeling our strongest and deepest upsetting emotions. OMG I am metamorphosising into you..... arma.......dillo..... diddle....de....dee....... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted June 2, 2010 Author Report Share Posted June 2, 2010 Hi Rosie I feel bad for saying it, but the reason I get angry is because I feel like no matter what anyone says, I am going to end up feeling dismissed, invalidated, not understood, or given some simple throwaway piece of advice which will feel like an invalidation. I guess Im so used to it (cuz thats what would always happen) that now even when someone really is being nice, I STILL feel invalidated and angry. But then I am afraid my anger will make them angry at me, not like me etc, and that I will look evil and ungrateful. Its all such an automatic thing and thats why I want to withdraw - my feeling is that other people will only make me feel worse, and that feeling worse leads me to get angry, and then push them away - and basically its like I start with sadness and then it escalates to an argument. I geuss thats pretty much how it happened back then, and I still feel it now, so the armadillo thing and the anger thing is just so trained in. Even now Im feeling SOOO defensive, with not necessarily any reason to ... I find it so hard to 'hear' peoples afforts at support AS support - its like I go into auto-invalidatey mode and it just feels safer to armadillo... Dunno if mabbe that is a bloke thing, or if makes sense, not sure... Ross Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Narcissa Posted June 2, 2010 Report Share Posted June 2, 2010 One of the good things about you being a man, is that you have no biological clock. So you have bags of time to have a child. So don't worry. Just get yourself sorted and these things will come to you eventually. you're only 32. You're still young. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted June 2, 2010 Report Share Posted June 2, 2010 maybe you just need someone to see your anger and stay. ***straps her feet to the floor*** let it rip friend, I can take it. I trust you will not hurt me and when you are done being angry I will hug you and validate you and love you as a friend loves another. I totally understand, I feel the same which is why I am such a secret squirrel. If I show someone my store of nuts they will just eat them all !!!!! :wub: :wub: :wub: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted June 2, 2010 Author Report Share Posted June 2, 2010 One of the good things about you being a man, is that you have no biological clock. So you have bags of time to have a child. So don't worry. Just get yourself sorted and these things will come to you eventually. you're only 32. You're still young. Yayyyyy thats true I suppose. We keep producing them things until the day we die dont we :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted June 2, 2010 Author Report Share Posted June 2, 2010 maybe you just need someone to see your anger and stay. ***straps her feet to the floor*** let it rip friend, I can take it. I trust you will not hurt me and when you are done being angry I will hug you and validate you and love you as a friend loves another. I totally understand, I feel the same which is why I am such a secret squirrel. If I show someone my store of nuts they will just eat them all !!!!! :wub: :wub: :wub: Hi Rosie Thank you for your very kind words, but now the little browney shell is all sealed up and things and Im back to just being Rossie Mc Fluffy Bunny lol Im just getting to the point where I can show some of this stuff to my T, has been such a long road ... I realise now its my emotional deprivation schema (but also my abandonment one, as I expect people to lose it, get rageful and not want to speak to me anymore and leave). I knew I had one, but its only really lately Ive seen it actually in action in my life. So even though we may not have had a rossie emo-brekathrough thing, its thrown up some actual emotional insight which is good You are like my little group therapy group lol Ross Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted June 2, 2010 Report Share Posted June 2, 2010 It's OK, we can skip to the hugs and friend appreciation part today and perhaps next time you feel angry you could try typing it out quick and pm me the content before it goes away??? Don't know how you would feel about that? But it might be a positive thing for you to just say it all and then we can talk about it afterwards. I know it's hard I think it's great you are starting to feel comfy enough in therapy to talk about this stuff and discovering all these things about ourselves throws everything else into confusion every time so there is constant intergration and re-adjustment going on. you may never get to 'that' place as the further I go on my journey the faster I am realising that I am already at the destination! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted June 2, 2010 Author Report Share Posted June 2, 2010 It's OK, we can skip to the hugs and friend appreciation part today and perhaps next time you feel angry you could try typing it out quick and pm me the content before it goes away??? Don't know how you would feel about that? But it might be a positive thing for you to just say it all and then we can talk about it afterwards. I know it's hard I think it's great you are starting to feel comfy enough in therapy to talk about this stuff and discovering all these things about ourselves throws everything else into confusion every time so there is constant intergration and re-adjustment going on. you may never get to 'that' place as the further I go on my journey the faster I am realising that I am already at the destination! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx I suppose its one o them "the map is not the territory" things innit. But like, no matter how much people keep showing me the territory, I can only see the map! Like Ive got silly glasses on with horrid filters ... I think Im also still learning exactly what kind of response I need when Im feeling these things. Is it someone to just sit there and be with me? Do they need to say or do something? I have a feeling I would like a sort of mother theresa 'stretches out a hand of compassion' thing - you know, when you feel sad, cant cry, but then someone does something that seems so honestly caring and understanding, like a look of concern or something, that you just burst into tears? That. Thats what I think im needing when Im sad. **runs off to find women with tea towels on their heads** Ross Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted June 2, 2010 Report Share Posted June 2, 2010 OK, so you need what I said but you want me to wear a tea-towel on my head as well? I would do anything for love, and I CAN do that.... **puts tea-towel on her head and straps herself back to the floor** oh and how about we rip up or even burn that damn map????? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted June 2, 2010 Report Share Posted June 2, 2010 I'm going to the centre Ross but I will be back online in approx 30-60 mins hun. Just so you know I am still here and will be wearing my tea-towel on the bus xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted June 2, 2010 Author Report Share Posted June 2, 2010 LOL awesomeness whooooooo :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wordsmithy Posted June 2, 2010 Report Share Posted June 2, 2010 Bit off-topic, but that is the most well-designed animal in the world. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SusieQ Posted June 2, 2010 Report Share Posted June 2, 2010 Hey Ross I have very similar feelings about this to you. I'm 28 and female and all I can feel is the clock ticking. I know I have time, but I had so many problems with my past relationships and so many other things I feel I have to do in life that I can't ever see it happening. Also everyone else around me seems to be popping out sprogs, or at least settling down. The last guy that I was with started as a one-night-stand. After about a month I was crazy about him and fantasized about us being together, having a family down the line etc. The situation was ridiculous as he was leaving town after a couple of months, but he said and did all the right things and kept me hanging on for ages after he left. Then he got back with his ex. I think about them sorting stuff out, settling down together and having kids and it makes me despair. I am thiking that I really need to come to terms with the reality that I might never have children, and that if I do it will be a bonus. I think this is in-line with the Buddhist way of thinking that you practice in your meditation. Maybe I should try meditation. Unless you wanna hook up? lol Suzie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted June 2, 2010 Author Report Share Posted June 2, 2010 Bit off-topic, but that is the most well-designed animal in the world. Its like a little transformer or something innit Armadillo-tron Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted June 2, 2010 Author Report Share Posted June 2, 2010 Hey Ross I have very similar feelings about this to you. I'm 28 and female and all I can feel is the clock ticking. I know I have time, but I had so many problems with my past relationships and so many other things I feel I have to do in life that I can't ever see it happening. Also everyone else around me seems to be popping out sprogs, or at least settling down. The last guy that I was with started as a one-night-stand. After about a month I was crazy about him and fantasized about us being together, having a family down the line etc. The situation was ridiculous as he was leaving town after a couple of months, but he said and did all the right things and kept me hanging on for ages after he left. Then he got back with his ex. I think about them sorting stuff out, settling down together and having kids and it makes me despair. I am thiking that I really need to come to terms with the reality that I might never have children, and that if I do it will be a bonus. I think this is in-line with the Buddhist way of thinking that you practice in your meditation. Maybe I should try meditation. Unless you wanna hook up? lol Suzie Hi there I mean its odd - I have not normally NOTICED that I have these feelings. Like I see other people with kids, and I have some surface reaction, quite often one of anxiety because I feel useless around kids and worry others will see im useless or whatever ... so I guess when I think about kids I never usually have access to that part of me that might want to bring some into the world. I guess Ive considered it, but today was the first time I really felt any emotion attached to it. Im not sure what buddhism would say about this really. I know they practice non-clinging to desire, and equanimity and acceptance of pain and distress, self compassion and all those things. You can still take action in the world to get the things you want, but its whether you cling to that wanting that tends to dictate whether you will suffer. If you couldnt have what you wanted, you would also be open to the grief of not having - you accept the feelings that arise in any moment and be with them, so its especially not about trying to control an emotion or feeling within you with some kind of belief. You sort of go with the flow and hold whatever comes in awareness and compassion. Thats why I like it anyway Its not like a dogmatic belief that you 'should' hold to either - buddhism is like a training, a practice - more something you test out for yourself and see if it helps you or not. In that its utterly unlike a religion because there are no precepts or beliefs you arer required to hold, no 'articles of faith' or anything. Buddha is not even a god, I always thought he was. he was just a dude who figured out how to feel happy, bless im. LOL Ross Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boobsticle Posted June 2, 2010 Report Share Posted June 2, 2010 I wanna be an armadillo, or even better, a hedgehog! Anyone who tries to prod through my armour will get spiked I don't really have much to say on the topic Wossy but whatever you may think, you are still young, and you have plenty of fuel left in the tank, so to speak Plus this way you might get yourself a little young thing to nurse you into old age, can't be too bad a future. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted June 2, 2010 Author Report Share Posted June 2, 2010 I wanna be an armadillo, or even better, a hedgehog! Anyone who tries to prod through my armour will get spiked I suppose this is the prollem tho innit .. like, we all feel like no one will be there for us, no one values our feelings, that we are alone ... but even if people are there for us, our armadillo shell or spikiness keeps them on the outside. They might be trying to smuggle in cuddles, and we have a perimiter up warding them off ... I mean thats what Ive just realised about me. I do feel alone, that no one helps, no one understands - but that feeling is so automatic and all-pervasive that even when people really do care, and are really trying to be supportive, I cant let it in. true sometimes there are uncaring, invalidating people out there, and Ive probably had more than my fair share of letting those people get to me ... but I realise now theres in 'inside' part to this as well. Its not just other people being mean or rejecting (though that has happened) - I also keep those who would be close to me away But I dont know how to stop yet - it all feels too scary and the angry is still very strong and all that ... mabbe as roses says, I need someone who straps themself to the floor and says "ok get angry, im not going anywhere!". Only person I could do that with though is me T, at least if she did get upset, im paying her to take it .... I realise ive hijacked me own thread, cuz this isnt about having kids, but feel like Ive had a bit of a breakthrough lol Ross Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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