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Meet Sara - The Other Me *trigger?*


toaster

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THIS IS NOT ABOUT DID

In real life my name is Louise. I have a horrible past and the diagnoses of BPD and bi-polar. I am a mother of a child that has been adopted. I have been near death several times. I have had drug and drink problems, done some terrible things and usually hate myself. I have no parents. They abandoned me. I grew up in care where I was abused.

Meet Sara.

Sara is happy and popular. She has lots of friends and a fantastic job. Her son lives with her but is currently at school/at a friends/ at his nans. Sara has a fantastic relationship with her mother. Sara went to the best school in the area.

Sara also is miserable. She tells certain people lies. Like she is pregnant. How her mum mistreats her.

Sara is a little girls name. It portrays innocence. It's a common name - there are lots of Saras.

Everyone wants to look after little Sara. Such a tortured soul but so strong against the odds.

Louise is nothing. A weak little liar.

Sara has lay dormant for some time. No more lies. Just Louise. Louise can be hard to live with though.

Louise can't be the only one to have created a Sara. Surely?

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When I was little I use to want to be named Diana, the name reminded me of diamonds, it sounded glamorous, it sounded glitzy and sophisticated and after reading your post and thinking a minute I have to say I agree with you.

Being named Dianna in my child's mind was like making a new life for me. Dianna, would have gotten all the attention she wanted because she was the mentioned things above. But, the story really ends there for me, because my child little brain didn't make up much more of a fantasy self and life than that or at least not that I have ever been in touch with.

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When I was little I use to want to be named Diana, the name reminded me of diamonds, it sounded glamorous, it sounded glitzy and sophisticated and after reading your post and thinking a minute I have to say I agree with you.

Being named Dianna in my child's mind was like making a new life for me. Dianna, would have gotten all the attention she wanted because she was the mentioned things above. But, the story really ends there for me, because my child little brain didn't make up much more of a fantasy self and life than that or at least not that I have ever been in touch with.

And yet the beauty you portray in all the pictures you post, has an impassive impress, yet the picture of you I have seen, was the most natural and Impressive expression of clarity and beauty you could have posted...........go figure........!!

Txx

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When I was little I use to want to be named Diana, the name reminded me of diamonds, it sounded glamorous, it sounded glitzy and sophisticated and after reading your post and thinking a minute I have to say I agree with you.

Being named Dianna in my child's mind was like making a new life for me. Dianna, would have gotten all the attention she wanted because she was the mentioned things above. But, the story really ends there for me, because my child little brain didn't make up much more of a fantasy self and life than that or at least not that I have ever been in touch with.

And yet the beauty you portray in all the pictures you post, has an impassive impress, yet the picture of you I have seen, was the most natural and Impressive expression of clarity and beauty you could have posted...........go figure........!!

Txx

Maybe I should clarify that my post was about 4-5 year olds thoughts, not who I am or what I have become as a grown adult.

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omg this is another incredible post, (((Toaster)). You are unwrapping layer after layer on this site. You are transforming into another person. This post is brave, you are speaking to yourself. It is like with each post you see deeper into your own self. It is called integration. I can't tell you how moving it is to be able to watch you barrel forward through your core issues. There is a brilliant girl inside your tattered and torn past. I have no doubt you have suffered horrors at the hands of others but you suffer much more from your own mistakes. It doesn't matter who you were because you had to become whatever you became or you would have died. I believe it. I believe that about many people. You just don't hop up one day and get through what you got through by making the right decisions and living a good life. You turn as hard and cold and dishonest as possible so you are not destroyed. I'm not saying I know how far it went but it doesn't matter because it was ALL necessary to keep you alive. I was very worried when you had the wild night out because it would be terrible to see you fall away. You can't fall away and you definitely can't fall away because of drinking or drugs. You are not running with scissors any more. There is a peacefulness in your posts, a gentleness and you can't let it make you feel weak. Gentle is not weak or vulnerable. You are all kinds of people, aware of each situation-the more challenging the better-because no one was around to protect you from anything but you. Most people have protectors but you learned too early that it was up to you and you figured it out. Now you have 28 years of it and you are seeing it as separate pieces but it is all the miracle of you. How much energy has it taken to figure it out with each new circumstance? Survive each new world?

Please, as the layers unfold start to see Louise for who she is. You have never had anyone but yourself and you can't let her down by seeing her as nothing. She is the author of your survival. She is the one who transformed to get through everything that has kept you alive. She is an incredible person. You can't abandon her or withhold your love. This is your chance to be free. This is your chance to be free. Don't expect it to feel normal. The hardest part of this battle is how uneventful it feels.

big hugs around you...sorry if it sounds so weird...but you are a miracle

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.....and yet you continue to post as the child, in my mind's eye at least??

"When I was little I use to want to be named Diana, the name reminded me of diamonds, it sounded glamorous, it sounded glitzy and sophisticated"

And, in my mind's eye at least, all of the pictures you have posted have celebrated the above, the child's perspective...............fantasy versus reality............Is the reality as beautiful as you had imagined all those years ago??

T

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its not the same i know, but even now i sometimes want to change my name officially and move area, to leave all the horrid ppl i have met here and they have no way of finding us, and solely keep in touch with those who love me (none in my area), i know not practical with hubby wk etc, but a dream.

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Puts me in mind of a tree branching off, reaching to the sun where other branches have been cut. I have a limited understanding, this is your coping devices? Safe hugs xx

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I think I saw toasty post as describing an alter-ego. Not someone that eradicates or entirely replaces who she is but explores the qualities of the person she would like to see herself be. I think it is great, it is highly creative. I can't think of an alter-ego that I have fleshed out enough to be as descriptive as that.

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Louise hates herself and her history most of the time. She does, however, feel the need to cling onto her pain. It is her make-up. But Louise is no longer a little girl, not like Sara.

There are 2 Saras. Little Sara who needs looking after, a little girl with big girls problems.

But often than not big Sara is there. Successful. Happy. Popular. NORMAL.

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This is an interesting post for me to read,

14 years ago I created a fantasy world in my head which I then began to put to paper, (well computer as I type my stories) it was my "escape" my distraction from everything that went on in my life, the main character built around an "ideal" version of myself, what I'd like to be,

over time I spent so much of my life delving into this world that the line between them blurred, I know my world is not real but the other version of me, IS still me, how he deals with things is exactly how I would deal with things were I blessed as he is,

Psion Stormwind (my alter ego and a title which he takes as apposed to a name) is confident, bold, powerful and inspirational, he is a born leader and people respect him, follow him, trust him and love him,

Robert is a hermit a reclusive, embarrassed, scared, confused, avoidant, anti-social, weak and pathetic little man, his life is meaningless and he has no confidence in anything that he does,

Some times I have good days when I feel as if I have a good life that I'm someone special, that I'm all the things I want, Then I realize its all psion its all my mind becoming him,

Interesting what you say Saharah Blue, Can one eliminate an alter ego? or eradicate another completely?

I wish I could get rid of Rob, (yes I know hes strictly the "real" one,) but I'd be alot happier if he was replaced permanently, even if that in itself is a delusion,

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theres 2 Emmas

Emma the fuck-up. no friends, no boyfriend, no job, nowhere to go, nothing to say nothing much to do. lonely and an embarasment. wants to die.

Emma the rich famous wag with a gorgeous footballer boyfriend, a beautiful baby girl, loads of wag friends and a big social life. i've got lots of nice clothes but i give lots of money away to different charities. some ppl just love me for my clothes, some ppl just love me for who i am inside but i'm happy and grateful to be loved in any way. I am a professional hair stylist with a levels and my family are very proud, they wanted me to stay at school and do a levels

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i have a big Gayle and a little Gayle. the real me is the medium Gayle, the big one is the confident front i put on infront of family and friends, and when i'm at work. big me can do anything, be anything. little me is the one who acts silly, and wears rose tinted glasses so the world doesnt seem like such a scary place. the real me is the one who is lost, vulnerable and prefers isolation most of the time, because shutting myself off from everything is easier than dealing with it.

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bobulator!!!

I'm a big fan of your fantasy world as you know....I posted last year about the one I've had buzzing round my head since I was really little.

I love this post and thanks to everyone who's posted here, can definately relate xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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I've used aliases most of my life. Not sure sure whether it's the same thing. I've made up stories about being a wealthy business woman, to coming from a rich family, to having studied at oxford etc. But this is all to satisfy my need to be something and have people respect and admire me. But in reality i'm just a poor student who can't hold down a job. Nobody really knows me in real life. But this is fine for me.

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I've used aliases most of my life. Not sure sure whether it's the same thing. I've made up stories about being a wealthy business woman, to coming from a rich family, to having studied at oxford etc. But this is all to satisfy my need to be something and have people respect and admire me. But in reality i'm just a poor student who can't hold down a job. Nobody really knows me in real life. But this is fine for me.

i can relate to this narcissa. i feel i was destined for more and that i should just have them but im just a pathetic notihng. but i tell ppl different. i hope one day i will be able to tell the truth - that i am successful etc. til then tho the lies stay xx

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