Job Interview

[Peregrine]

Right, I've been doing a lot of thinking again and I'm now starting to prepare myself for the next step.

I've managed to get an interview for a stockperson position down south, being part of a team herding 2500 cattle. I've really enjoyed working with livestock for the last two years and wonder whether part of this might actually be also due to the physical work and therapeutic influence of animals, both influencing my wellbeing.

What scares me is that I spoke to my new CPN a few days ago who also referred me to see a pdoc for med-revision. Bad turns are not that frequent anymore and I am getting much better overall with household chores, going out every day, walking the dog etc. but bad turns are still coming and when they do, they're bad. I'm on the highest dose of anti-ds which might need revising. So, if it does, I'm scared that all the new side effects and comming off the current drug will have a huge impact.

On the other hand, I had some very strong thoughts coming through which I was almost surprised about...when I was sitting there, thinking about my current situation and what to do and how to get better and getting myself out there again, the strongest thought has always prevailed over fears, anxieties and panics - that I am responsible for what's going on in my life, at least as far as my very personal being is concerned. Help is out there, which I took (again and again, due to my moving around and being put up by people) but I am more aware now that it is me who is pulling the ropes. We get one shot at life, the start has been sh*t, I got whacked again in October last year and felt that I was back at square one, but what else is there if we weren't to try and try again to pick ourselves up and walk forward!?

I am massively scared of the interview and am already anxious that, if I was to get the job whether I can take on such responsibility after having been out of job for over half a year. But then I put this against the nothingness which I sometimes fall into while staying at home and wonder what I've got to lose!?

If I did get the job I would have to move again, start over in a new house, new people, new faces, new everything. And yes, I am scared. A lot. Slept badly last night, rumbling around. It's a 7 months contract which can be repeated the year after if I'm doing good and like it.

Anxiety can be a cruel opponent and I try with all my visual capabilities to try and see the positives - how happy I was a year ago, bumbling around on the tractor and ATV, smelling fresh air and treating the animals, caring for them and making sure they've got full bellies.

I've also gained quite a bit of weight since being put on meds - 2 1/2st since October '10 and I know it's partly because it says so in the side effects, but it's also due to the fact that they made me sleepy a lot and I stayed in, instead of going out and moving about like I usually do. I'm not so tired anymore, so it's up to me to get moving again and get my arse into gear. Nobody will do it for me...

So, I'll be away on Monday coming (21st) and will be driving for two days, then interview and I'll be back on Friday (25th). So, if I'm not responding inbetween those dates, it's because I'm busy...and I just thought I'd write it on here, in case I forget to update and then people might worry.

Well, that's it for now - I guess if everything works out, there'll be masses of changes again (and I'm never good with that!) but if I don't at least try, I feel stuck and this is never a good emotion to harbour inside.

Thanks for reading this far and always having been there for me, and still being so now - I gained a lot of strength from this place. It helped me to think clearer and in a way it has shown me a bit more about responsibilities we have in an adult life. Gosh, this sounds like a goodbye.......

.........but it isn't, it's a good thing :masked:

[toocrazy]

Pere,

"that I am responsible for what's going on in my life, at least as far as my very personal being is concerned"

It is hard to get this, hardest thing in the world. The only thing I seem to have learned is to..begin again. The first steps are the hardest.

Animals and fresh air, being physical is healing. I hope this works out and you get through all these transitions. You have to believe you can find the will to get through it. One foot in front of the other and don't think about anything else.

please update us when you can...or once the process is in motion!!!

it is a brave move, a brave move to help you...take pics

[donnam]

good luck with the interview, i hope u get the job and really enjoy it

cad

[lonelyheartemma]

Good luck with your interview, it sounds like you really love being with the animals. It will help you coz it makes you happy and you will help them because you really care. moving sounds so hard but you know its something you can do, you've done it before. so if the job is right i hope you'll go for it

Its lovely to hear you sounding so positive :)

[icu_baby]

How did you go pere?

[Peregrine]

Hello.....

It's been a long time since I last stopped by. A vast amount has changed - both in circumstances and the way I feel and think about my life.

To all who are wondering: Yes, I did get the job and have been part of the livestock team for the second season now. Overall, I feel very driven, getting on with uni work as well as trying to hold my job down.

But things haven't been always easy. Well, it's been nearly two years since I was last on here. I have been hospitalized twice and had some real down-times as well as flying high as a kite. I have been diagnosed with bipolar 2 and got new medication accordingly (quetiapine XL and fluoxetine). My workplace has been incredibly supportive and I hope I can give as good as I get when I'm productive and driving on an even keel.

I'm trying to keep writing in my diary which I have found to be an incredibly useful tool - ultimate self-honesty, reflection and learning as I write and read and re-read.

It's the first time in five years that I feels somewhat settled as opposed to travelling up and down the country, living out of my car. I have a very supportive GP who is in close correspondence with my CPN. I feel so lucky that both guys are incredibly patient, sometimes hurtfully but helpfully honest and ... just 'there'.

The reason I am writing all of this is to encourage others that we CAN take charge. In my experience, it's incredibly slow progress and not always understandable - who would have thought that a positive start of a new life and job prospects would tip me over the edge yet again, landing me in hospital. My loyal collie bitch is a godsent in my life, her golden eyes a point of focus when I'm utterly lost.

Taking a break from this place has proven incredibly fruitful - don't get me wrong, when I posted a lot, I was in need, a bad place, coming here kept me going. I'm not knocking this forum, but I've found that some 'me'-time away was very productive.

Wishing all of you a happy new year, filled with rainbows, kind support, encouraging words and constructive criticism on the way to recovery. Please don't forget, many of us will always have a 'condition', 'ill health', 'mental fuck', whatever you want to call it. But rather than have it rule our life, with the right help, we CAN take charge, we CAN manage and we CAN fill our lives with positive moments. Self-awareness is the one and only place to start and running the risk that I'm saying this from my very high horse, it's still my most important message. Yes, I have suffered and will continue to have tough times - it's in my make-up, it's part of me, but it's not ALL of me.

Be brave and discover the tender shoots of positiveness that is in all of us. The dark is so threatening but all it will do is try and scare us. We all listen to the dark now and then, we all get frightened - but there is more to life than that.

HAPPY NEW YEAR to all of you who may remember me and all of those who have since joined.

May your hearts be filled with warmth and hope, light and joy. I am a stranger but wish you well, especially if you're going through rough times at the moment.

Much love xx

[Christine001]

Hi I remember you as peregrine best. So glad to hear your story its good to know its possible xxxxxx christine

[Peregrine]

Hi Christine,

I remember you too! Thanks for stopping by my post.

I just hope people don't give up, keep on fighting and see positives in their lives. Sometimes they are given, at other times we need to reach out and grab them.

Mental illness can be crippling, to the point of thinking - why the fuck do I bother!? But it really is not all of who we are!

How are you doing, Christine? xx

[Pickle59]

(((Fabhcun Gorm))) Hello..........

I wasn't here way back but it has been really heartening to read your recent postings and thank you for coming back and sharing your experiences.

What I especially like in recent your posting is ,

''Self-awareness is the one and only place to start and running the risk that I'm saying this from my very high horse, it's still my most important message. Yes, I have suffered and will continue to have tough times - it's in my make-up, it's part of me, but it's not ALL of me.''

Thank you for sharing the positives alongside your tough times too.x

I love the Peregrine.x

[Peregrine]

Hiya Pickle, thank you.

To be honest, I'm not quite sure why I'm back - in a way it's nice, but it's often a stark reminder of how dark things can get. I'm feeling good at the moment and in a way I just want to encourage people to move forward. With the right help, a little bit of luck and time, things really can get better.

Nice to meet you.