Bpd: Age Of Onset Of Mental Problems

[blackdagger82]

I voted for 20 -25 as this is when I was first diagnosed with depression following a miscarriage but I always remember feeling out of the loop so to speak.

I have always been anxious in new situations or any situation in which i felt I didn't know what was going to happen. I have also always felt that i didn't belong, not part of my circle of friends or with any boyfriend I have had and certainly not with my family. I was always the quiet one in the corner who was only ever acknowledged when something was needed.

It wasn't till earlier this year (28/29 yrs old) that I was dx'd with social anxiety disorder and an eating disorder as well as depression (plus related insomnia etc)

I just thought this is the person I am and got on with it. That was till things got too much and my l;ife started falling apart.

[Nora B]

I took my first OD at 14 years of age - second at 15 and third at 16, it wasn't getting me anywhere so I starting cutting instead had another go at ODing at 22 - last one, however my mental health was bad, I was newly married and 70miles away from my home town, this was both a good thing and a bad thing. My husband became my carer.

It took me some years to recognise that I had a problem but after severeal visits to psychiatrists that did more harm than good and attending group therpay funded by the NCH (which was brilliant) I finally arrived in real one to one therapy, after several years of this I got a diagnosis of BPD!

[ntt14]

Thank you for this topic data. I've never really been diagnosed properly I don't think, just know I get depression and anxiety. But I used to be terrified of school for no explainable reason since primary and never been able to mix or fit it since. Used to scream and try to lock myself away or pretend I was ill. If i was made to go i just stayed alone and wasnt liked I used to be told I was just being silly so it just helps to read other stories and make more sense of that one little thing.

[stjaninaro]

I said 4 and under. Have Aspergers, always been there. Always been the freak, the moody one, the liar cos I couldnt ever look anyone in the eye, the cheat cos i did too well at tests, difficult etc etc. Attention seeker despite being petrified of being the centre of attention, and having panic attacks when peoples eyes are on me. Always been something wrong with me.

Aspergers wasn't diagnosed till 15. Docto said it was disgraceful that such a textbook case hadn't been spotted earlier. Mother called her a liar, said I was making it all up. Same with BPD at the start of the year, all my manipulations tricking people again, all my fault. Can't win. Never win.

[tango]

If you are diagnosed or believe you have BPD, at what age did your symptoms first appear? I am interested in comparing my own experiences with those of others. If you also had another condition as a child, you might want to reply below.

My very first memory as an infant, in my bassinet blinded by a very bright ceiling light. I remember crying with my mouth wide open unable to catch my breath, then a lady with dark hair and a big smile appeared blocking out the light, ending the memory. To this day bright lighted rooms, bright sunny days leaves me feeling unsettled and disturbed. So my recollection of past is clear and precise, besides no one ever believes me, to have such an early memory. Anyway...

Parents joined a religious cult when I was about seven. Emotionally abandoned, replacing all worldly needs and wants with spiritual guidance and sacrifice. Without choice or affirmation of who I was, I was commanded by my parents verbatim "to strip away the old personality", which I literally went through the motions of, as if I was taking off actual clothing, throwing it away. Replacing it with blind faith and empty promises... pure brainwashing and lies. Thus the birth of the personality disorder, I can almost taste the very day, the very second it reared its ugly head.

The enormous loss of everything familiar from neighborhood friends, holidays, birthdays, Christmas and everything else that was considered worldly had to be eliminated. It was as if a page was torn out of my life without permission or warning, or a reason why, it was just gone. Traumatized and frightened knowing this was the way my life would be from now on was too much to bare, I knew I had to break out as if I was imprisoned. From raw fear I began to wet the bed, had fits of anger, ripped the clothes off my body, abused my dog that to this day I hang my head in shame, and wear regret like a permanent piece of clothing. I was so angry with my parents, with school, with the world, with god, with my life hating every moment and everyone. I still cant understand how my parents brushed aside the bed wetting, blinded by the holy spirit they turned their backs on me, the trust was now gone.

I became a proficient liar, spinning tales through both sides of my mouth, no longer knowing where the truth left off and the lie began. Throughout my entire life while being under my parents roof I became the lie. They knew nothing about me, what I did, where I went, who I was with. While all along thinking they were in charge and control of their daughter, and I kept it that way. All is fair in love and war....war it was.

I am ashamed with my life and the vile things I was reduced to do out of anger and fear, inflicting my power of control in so many unhealthy ways, acting out to others what was done to me, its so sick. I close my eyes hoping it will go away, wish I had a delete button I could click.

Unsettled relationships, lack of trust, lack of feelings from being hurt beyond belief, poor behavior, risky sometimes dangerous life choices, aggressive in your face volatile personality. Before you is the perfect storm of ingredients, resulting in Borderline Personality Disorder.

[tango]

I tried to reply to this the other day, typed out a quite a long reply, and then lost it thanks to internet cutting out

So will try again now, but attempt to keep it short -

My great-grandmother died just before i turned three, and i lost my only friend. I was already being abused by the age of 5, and at school I was in a lot of trouble. The teachers used to call me Matilda, as i would do the day's work from my tray within about half an hour, and then spend the rest of the day sat in the reading area, backed right into a corner and curled under a blanket, head stuck in book after book.

I got into trouble as told my classmates (and someone told their mum, who approached my mum, concerned) that I was having sex with the teaching assistant. He must have been about 17, and my mum went up to the school as she was concerned that he was abusing me. That caused a lot of trouble, and i got really bullied for it, even though it was only some weird sort of fantasy that a couple of other kids said too.

It was around this time that I got into more trouble - I was very sexually aware (due to the abuse i was experiencing), and had a conversation with a couple of children in the cloakroom about sex and stuff related to it, and i was overheard by a teacher and told that i was rude and dirty and making the information up. No one ever investigated why I had the knowledge that I had. Abuse continued.

Also, this was the same time that I got it into my head that I shouldn't eat my lunch, that I don't need it cause it will make me bigger, and i didn't want to get bigger (not weight-wise, but height-wise, i didn't want to grow up). I started hiding the contents of my packed lunches in the girls toilets.

I also got into some trouble because I'd somehow stolen a watch that i'd seen lying around (i don't remember how or why it happened, but know there were others involved and they said i should look after it, so i did, and then i got caught). This was when i first became very scared of the police - i was told that they were going to get me and lock me up, and that i would only have a slice of bread and a glass of water a day.

I became convinced that the police were going to get me and starve me, which further fuelled my restriction of food, so i could survive because i'd be used to eating small amounts.

This was when my eating disorder started, and also when i started being very scared of anyone in authority, believing they were going to "get" me. This later turned to extreme anger and hatred towards them, which got me into trouble in my early teens.

Also, was moved a hundred and fifty miles away when my mum married suddenly, so i lost my nana - my closest relative. This was when i kind of hid away in a fantasy world.

Moved back about 2 years later, and had a new baby half-brother too. That was when everything got worse - after moving back here.

Think i've wrote enough for now.

Thank you for sharing. Your story is filled with tragedy, confusion and pain. Subjected to the choices of parents our lives were sabotaged. Cut short, robbed of any chance for a successful future, the things we could have accomplished and who we might have become, if left alone to grow up healthy. I have learned much from this forum. Reading about the pain and abuse people have endured. The shame we carry through out our lives, due to reactive behavior not within our control. I wonder how we survived this far, even with the damages, we continue to search for answers. I am StateofMind, my story is on this page for you to read.

[TheHiddenAngel]

3 or 4... possibly earlier.... huge abuse and abandonment around that time...

[Thehysterique]

Voted 5-8. It's the age I remember I started weird behaviors, after I had some issues with familly members..

And it goes on until now..

[Nora B]

I took my first OD at 14 years of age - second at 15 and third at 16, it wasn't getting me anywhere so I starting cutting instead had another go at ODing at 22 - last one, however my mental health was bad, I was newly married and 70miles away from my home town, this was both a good thing and a bad thing. My husband became my carer.

It took me some years to recognise that I had a problem but after severeal visits to psychiatrists that did more harm than good and attending group therpay funded by the NCH (which was brilliant) I finally arrived in real one to one therapy, after several years of this I got a diagnosis of BPD!

Just looked at this and thought about it and it came to me that I showed classic signs of being abused at primary school but no one recognised them then as it was the 1960's. I thrown out of my school and didn't behave in those ways at he new school - I must have known it was 'bad' behaviour. So I was 5 then. Also I was retarded in my development (I'm not retarded - my development was, my mum was still dressing me etc when most kids are doing it for themselves. I used to day dream a lot as well to the point they htought I was deaf and took me to have my ears tested. Also I had ot go for some kind of assesment at the say so of the head master due to my lack of focus at school. I am not sure what kind of tests they were, it seemed like fun to me, I had to put the right shapes in the right holes etc in one test, can't remember them all now - I was about 7 or 8 then.

I reckon some of that were signs of my struggling mentally but not actually ill yet - maybe it is the signs of mental illness in the making!

[roxy222]

I voted 4 years or under. Its difficult to tell really, that was over 30 years ago and my memory is not perfect. I definitely remember having problems in primary school: I was a social recluse and the only person who was always completely on his own in the playground. I desparately wanted a friend but I didn't have the social skills to interact with people. My mum said that when I was in preschool I used to play alone and its on that basis that I made my vote.

I've been a bit flexible in my question about co-morbidity. People with BPD often have other problems and its sometimes difficult to tell what is a BPD problem and what is an ED or anxiety or OCD or PTSD problem. I myself am thought to have some autistic traits.

Everything that I've read about BPD suggests it starts in the teens. My therapist said "late teens". However, the small sample that we have here suggests an average age of around 10 years old. Indeed, quite a few are earlier so my experiences are not as unusual as I thought.

many of the symptoms for bpd and other mh present in childhood but are dx as attachment disorders (and conduct disorder if older child). with the correct support and t attachment disorders can be resloved and therefore would never need to be dx as bpd later in life

[Data]

many of the symptoms for bpd and other mh present in childhood but are dx as attachment disorders (and conduct disorder if older child). with the correct support and t attachment disorders can be resloved and therefore would never need to be dx as bpd later in life

That makes a lot of sense, thank you

[viota]

well i was a terrible child really angry which developed into bpd when i was about 13

[Sakura]

Interesting thread...

Ever since I can remember there's been something 'wrong' with me...but ever since I can remember I was abused, too.

I've always been hyper-sensitive to criticism, and switched suddenly from feeling I was somehow special, superior and gifted to thinking I was the worst child in the world, bad, dirty, undeserving, hated, etc. I was the same with others - going from idolising a person to hating them in an instant. I too was such a "day-dreamer" that I got sent for hearing tests because they thought I was deaf. I think really I used to dissociate A LOT hence the being 'zoned out' all the time. They used to say I was "away with the fairies". I used to live more in a fantasy world in my head than in reality. Still do sometimes.

Throughout my life people have referred to me as "weird" or "crazy", from a very early age. It wasn't something I always minded though. Sometimes I thought I was different because I was special (chosen by God to save the world etc lol), and other times I despised myself for it (thought I was evil and destined for hell!).

I used to have panic attacks too from a very young age, though I didn't realise that's what they were. I would hyperventilate but my mother wasn't bothered in the slightest. I remember getting suicidal thoughts as early as seven years old. I thought if I held my breath long enough I would die, so I would try to kill myself this way. When I was about nine/ten my cousin showed me how to tie a noose and I tried to hang myself in the garage...I got the knot wrong though. Where in the world I got the idea from I don't know.

I first cut myself when I was abut eleven.

Between the ages of eleven and thirteen I thought I was being observed by cameras...thought they were everywhere, in door handles, in cracks in walls, in the toilet...

When I was thirteen I first got really really depressed. It was horrible. I was so confused about everything too. I took an OD around 13/14 and that's when I first entered the mental health system and was in an adolescent psych unit from 14-15. Bulimia from 14 until now on and off, anorexia from 15-19ish. I got diagnosed with BPD age 22.

[Honeyflower]

I voted 5-8 i think it's hard to say really as i have always felt different,My parents sadly didn't even see signs i had problems,My dad was too pissed to notice.

[Crow]

5-8, but maybe I was younger than that when I started self-injuring.

[Spends]

I struggled with depression during my early teens and then was told I had BPD when I was 22.

[donnam]

not sure, used to not fit in at parties so much so one mum invited all other classmates and not me ! and that was at primar school prob 8-9, dread pass the parcel in case had some dare, or guess what celeb was on your back etc, used to get best mate to tell me, as would freak out, tho not show it externally, and hated fancy dress! dont think i was a "normal" child tho school never noticed, just thought i was quiet, and guess they saw my ability at sports, and forgot the rest! could beat all the boys at primary they werent happy could out run them all and same with agility courses lol. but only time i fitted in, doing running, loved gymnastics and was pretty good, but didnt fit in with other kids their, just did my gymnastics, same with guides never gelled with the others, but no one ever made a comment. i hate it when best mate left guides, tried to carry on without her, but never fitted, even when was with her, though looking like identical twins helped at athletes club, as they couldnt tell us apart, so was less alone, even our parents couldnt lol, loved that i could merge, feel like i should have been a twin, like part of me missing.

remember as kid not sure when prob 11 ish looking out my bedroom window wanting to jump.

didnt become nknown by mh team til bout 4 years ago.

[Christine001]

many of the symptoms for bpd and other mh present in childhood but are dx as attachment disorders (and conduct disorder if older child). with the correct support and t attachment disorders can be resloved and therefore would never need to be dx as bpd later in life

That makes a lot of sense, thank you

totally agree with the connection between attachment disorder and bpd

[Elke]

My parents and I migrated to N.Y.C. when I was three. If I had any mental problems as a child it was loneliness due to language problems, and talking in class to others during class a lot. I think during breaks I was mostly a loner sitiing by mself. I remember there was a huge inability to communicate with my parents, I always tried, but got no response. So either I was ADHD as a child in school or trying to compensate talking for the lack in my home.

BPD and depression set on when I was thirteen. My mom attacked me verbally and in her aggressiveness got so close to me it scared me and I "hit" her automatically without thinking.. My sis caught on to what happened and said "Go tell daddy". I was "payed back" by my father, who nearly killed me by beating me with a belt and punching me on the head. On my knees like a dog and my mom even telling him to stop.

From then on the family was done with me. All three of them were against me. That was the end of "home".

At the same time I entered junior high school and began feeling inferior to the rich New Yorker, sassy girls all well dressed and me in rags. Where the boys were interested in the girls, I was (falsely) accused of things by them. I felt disliked. Depression set on. I cut school so often I prob miss out 1/3 of school year.

I had one friend. It was the 60´s, the hippie generation, drugs started being taken and everything was changing. And I wanted to be a part of the crowd and joined in on it all. My "German" parents went crazy. Maybe from taking drugs, so did I. Things got worse at home and I ran away to stay with my friend. Not so much to try to escape from family, but to manipulate them into missing me so much, they would stop the abuse. And things would be as they were before. When I cam back home, everything reall was fine - for a week, but then things went back to worse again.

So to me, 13 was the onset of my disorder. First, by hitting my mother in defense and the onset of depression due to problems with peers and puberty.

And nothing has changed until this day. I am living on the border. Still having problems between family and outside world.

[5headh]

Ive always been 'differant' but i put 9-12 because thats when i started getting bad anxiety and depressed and sh. At 16 i was told its likely I have bpd but 'too young to diagnose' ive now got an appt with a psych on the 13th for an assesment.

[Alexis]

it is really interesting that the majority of the votes were 5 - 8, i know this has been said, but i was led to believe that i was highly unusual as my symptoms started so early

[minella]

I think it's very common that personality disorders start developing at very early age.

My first depressive episode was when I was only 4 to 6 years old. I talked about death, had very violent behaviours and attachment issues. I went to therapy first time at the age of 6, and was diagnosed with "depressive neurosis". I was not diagnosed with BPD until I was 24.

[Shadow girl]

I voted 9-12 when this thread started back in July but I didn't comment. I've relly appreciated how open people have been telling a bit of their story. It helps me make more sense of my own.

I was physically abused from a very early age - probably 3ish but I can't exactly remember and it went on till I was 14 when the abuser moved away. I tried to tell my parents but their response was always "stop whinging" and "what did you do to provoke him - he wouldn't do it for nothing!" I became very detatched from my family and lived in my own alternative worlds, one in my dolls house and the other in my imagination. The imagination one was great coz I could stay in it all day, wherever I was. I started self harming when I was 10-11 and took my first od at 13. I think that's when I got really depressed the first time. However, though I struggled with all sorts of aspects of life and my moods were all over the place I managed not to seek help from my Dr till after I was married in 1997. I think I managed to ignore my difficulties or hide them till being married prevented me from just going to ground when things were bad. I didn't have any contact with MH services till 2004 after I had our daughter. I only got the BPD label last year at age 45, but now I've read up on it, with hindsight I can see it there all my life - it just got more out of control these last few years.

[Maddie50]

Ivoted under 4 because this is when the abuse started and when I started disocciating and learning negative thinking and hoplessness. It is from a neglectful mother and an abusing father that I learned however bad things are being abandoned is worse.

[autism-bpd]

12- when I lost my grandma but then gradually years on realizing that it werent just that it were bullying, abuse i had suffered too