Monsterfood Posted July 8, 2011 Report Share Posted July 8, 2011 I know there is a parenting section here in the forums but the description looks more like for people who are parents already. I have wondered before about having children. What would it be like for them and what would it be like for me? Children can be stress or triggers but I think I am more concerned about what it might be like for a child to have to grow up around PD. I mean if there is a choice in the matter have any of you considered whether or not to have children because of this? There are so many difficult things in the world kids have to deal with like if their parent gets cancer or someone dies or other bad things but if we know ahead of time going into having children that they would be brought into a world full of the PD pain we feel and express then what do you think about that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted July 8, 2011 Report Share Posted July 8, 2011 too late had them didnt know about mh issues thought was just bad would not go back on it they are the most amazing people and the only reason to try and look forward to tomorrows watching how they touch the lives of others and bring them joy - priceless children are a gift not a right if you are ever fortunate enough to have them then doubtless you will do the very best you can that is all any of us can do it is immensely painful being a parent but if you KNOW you have problems, beforehand, then you are better set to seek out help and support it is up to each person perhaps personally they are the 2 reasons walker was created for Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dice Posted July 8, 2011 Report Share Posted July 8, 2011 Yes I think about* having children a lot, And I want to have, I used to say I was going to have a baby by the age of 25... I am now under two years from there and I won't have a baby by then, Because for one I am not stable enough to cope with a newborn... So I have thought and thought about it, For so long and it makes me cry, Because I won't ever carry a baby, Because I don't want to bring a child up, Where I cannot do everything for her/him... I don't see a day where I won't have my bad bad thought, Or want to just end it... So yeah * God I am crying "/ * , Plus being a gay woman, It is not as easy as it can be for some straight women to have a baby/children... I don't want to bring a child up on my own, I want to be in a stable RS but by the look's of things, It will never happen for me... Plus I am scared I won't love my child and I couldn't make her/him safe and things could happen, Like the things what happened to me... Sorry I am just going on and not really answering your Q's o.O, Sorry... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lily-Bee Posted July 8, 2011 Report Share Posted July 8, 2011 This is of course very personal,I do not judge people that do differently! But I dont want to burden kids with my issues,am afraid I would and so am not having them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted July 8, 2011 Report Share Posted July 8, 2011 lily/dice that is what breaks heart seeing how we have been and how it has affected them never knowing, when they were young, that the problems we were having were down to mental illness, and never getting the right support huge huge huge sadness and guilt Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monsterfood Posted July 8, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 8, 2011 Thanks for your input walker. It sounds like they are sunshines in your life. Dice you were not going on. You answered perfectly. I am wondering what others have thought about this and you shared your thoughts. Lily I appreciate what you said. I agree I don't want anyone to feel judged if others have different opinions its just I love kids but I am concerned about whether having kids would more meet my needs or if I would be able to meet theirs. Not just their eating and clothing needs but their emotional needs. I want them to feel loved and safe and happy and not be burdened because I don't think little kids can get what it really all about when they are little. If I had a kid I know I would do the best I could even if I was not well and I would say I could do it and it wouldn't be bad for them but saying it doesn't mean it actually works out that way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jules7 Posted July 8, 2011 Report Share Posted July 8, 2011 Really want to be a Mom, even know what I would call her if the baby was a lil girl, I would love her so much, and never let anyone hurt her. I would want her to have a better life and everything I never had... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PlasticInsanity Posted July 8, 2011 Report Share Posted July 8, 2011 as much as I want to, I have a hard time imagining being around by the age of 25/30. i'm 22 right now. the biggest reason for being here right now is my niece, and when I'm able to keep my anger in check around her, and when I can see how her being around has helped me for the better, it gives me hope for the future and me being able to handle a child (I don't think i'm really the parental type, but you never know). but as much as I think about the future, and start to have hopes, I get anxious when I think about having to live until 60. even 40 seems too far away.. for this reason, I try not to think about the future, and focus on the present. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starryeyesee Posted July 8, 2011 Report Share Posted July 8, 2011 Well I'm 40 and single and on an anti pshycotic that has stopped my periods so... I was with someone this winter and really wanted a child but eventually realised I didn't want one with him. Since I broke up with him I am beginning to accept I will never be a mother and maybe, with all my problems, this is a good thing. still makes me feel very sad to think about it though. starry x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monsterfood Posted July 8, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 8, 2011 PlasticInsanity I think focusing on now is a great thing you are doing because tomorrow and 40 will be nows later so you will see them then! It is nice you have a good relationship with your niece. I am sure she loves you very much. xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monsterfood Posted July 8, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 8, 2011 starry1 thank you for sharing. It sounds like you made a thoughtful decision about knowing this guy wasn't the right one to be a dad. I am sorry you are feeling sad. You never know though. xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PlasticInsanity Posted July 8, 2011 Report Share Posted July 8, 2011 Well I'm 40 and single and on an anti pshycotic that has stopped my periods so... I was with someone this winter and really wanted a child but eventually realised I didn't want one with him. Since I broke up with him I am beginning to accept I will never be a mother and maybe, with all my problems, this is a good thing. still makes me feel very sad to think about it though. starry x have you considered adoption, or joining the 'Big Sisters' program? just a thought. when I think of having kids, I'd rather adopt or be a foster parent to avoid pregnancy, but that's me. and thank you Monsterfood. you're right, we are very close, and I love having her around. She came early, as my sister was only 17 when she got pregnant, but if she wasn't here I don't know where I'd be. it's funny how someone so small can mean so much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
galupy Posted July 8, 2011 Report Share Posted July 8, 2011 i struggle with this one. i want kids but i dont want to burden them with bipolar and certainly not til someone says i'm "no longer bpd" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted July 8, 2011 Report Share Posted July 8, 2011 you know the sad thing - none of you see the good things that you can offer to children, yours, AND/OR other peoples you all have SO much goodness and love in you that is there to be shared - that is clear from how you are here please remember that - alongside your illness and difficulties xxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starryeyesee Posted July 8, 2011 Report Share Posted July 8, 2011 "have you considered adoption, or joining the 'Big Sisters' program? just a thought. when I think of having kids, I'd rather adopt or be a foster parent to avoid pregnancy, but that's me." Hi I'm not in a good enough financial situation to adopt -on benefits and live in a bedsit. do you have a link to the 'big sisters' program it sounds interesting starry x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
galupy Posted July 8, 2011 Report Share Posted July 8, 2011 and anyone with long term mh issues is not allowed to adopt anyway Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sania Posted July 8, 2011 Report Share Posted July 8, 2011 although it depends on many things, but i agree with walker. i hope when we become parents in our lives, we will be more sensitive and understanding for our children... will care that they dont get hurt as we were hurt or damaged when we were young. i'd love to have kids. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dani Posted July 8, 2011 Report Share Posted July 8, 2011 i never wanted children or believed i would be stable enough to care for them. turns out they are what saved me and made me more stable. now theyre my life xx dice:breaks my heart to read that...you could offer a child so much.you are so caring.and i think the fact you are already putting the chids needs before your own desire of wanting one so much speaks volumes. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PlasticInsanity Posted July 8, 2011 Report Share Posted July 8, 2011 "have you considered adoption, or joining the 'Big Sisters' program? just a thought. when I think of having kids, I'd rather adopt or be a foster parent to avoid pregnancy, but that's me." Hi I'm not in a good enough financial situation to adopt -on benefits and live in a bedsit. do you have a link to the 'big sisters' program it sounds interesting starry x http://www.bbbs.org/site/c.9iILI3NGKhK6F/b.5961005/k.97C6/International/apps/s/link.asp It looks like it may not be offered in France, but don't give up hope! you could volunteer at a children's hospital if you wish, or even visit your local city hall to inquire if any mentoring programs are available. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monsterfood Posted July 8, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 8, 2011 Everyone has such thoughtful things to say. Thank you for sharing your opinions on this. I wonder what people would say who are adults now who had a parent with PD. I know there are good things about people with PD I just wonder if the difficulties effected the kids in a way that was more or less damaging than we think it does from our own perspectives. That would be interesting to hear. I suppose it would be individual. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monsterfood Posted July 8, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 8, 2011 I forgot to say I like Plastic's ideas for Dice! That gives me something to think about to. :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrippleAndStarfish Posted July 8, 2011 Report Share Posted July 8, 2011 Hi Monsterfood, I have a son, he's 4. He was born the month before i turned 15, and was conceived as a result of being drunk and spiked and... assaulted....at a friend's party. I normally tell people that I never wanted children. That seemed like the simplest of answers, instead of explaining to them that I want to be in a relationship, I want to be in love, and loved in return. I want to get married, and I want to have children. That was my dream - find my prince charming, settle down together, have children. I wanted two children. The reality of it is that I am a 20 year old mother to a 4 year old boy. I am single. He lives with my mum because I have been too poorly to care for him - I couldn't meet his needs emotionally because I was too wrapped up in my own nightmares - abuse, self-injury, etc..... It breaks my heart. There's not a day that goes by when I don't hate myself for not being the mum i want to be, the mum my son deserves. And I hate that I am single, alone. I don't have the life I want, not at all, and I know that it will never happen for me - that it will just be some stupid dream that I need to kill, cause it will never come true. All of it just hurts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monsterfood Posted July 8, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 8, 2011 (((((Crippie))))) Thank you for sharing your story. It was a very brave thing to do since it is painful for you. I would say you are actually being a very good person by having your son be some place you feel he can get some things you aren't sure you can do right now. Of course taking care of yourself now means you can be the best mum you can be for your son. What you are doing is very loving. I am sorry you don't have the life you want right now but I don't think dreams are stupid and they can come true. xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrippleAndStarfish Posted July 8, 2011 Report Share Posted July 8, 2011 Thankyou hun xxx sorry, i know i kind of went a little off topic there. The two are very-much linked for me though. but yes, you're right - am doing the best i can to get myself to the point where I CAN give my boy the mummy he deserves, and maybe he doesn't have his dad or any sort of father figure, but it's not the end of the world, however much my silly emotional mind believes it is. xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monsterfood Posted July 8, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 8, 2011 No you're not off topic. I am glad you can see the good in what you are doing. I believe you can get there. xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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