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Katherine

What Does It Mean

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Katherine

what DOES it mean to be adult?

what makes a person adult?

Please, I need to know.

Thanks,

Katie

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LadyMacbeth

You are an adult Katie. Your inner child is just scared. I think your adult needs to protect your little girl.

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Katherine

I felt frightened yesterday when my T said that I am not a child, and that it is destructive for her to treat me like a child.

But I look like a child and have feelings like a child.

My T said that I did look bewildered and frightened when she told me I am not a child.

So, I need to be an adult, but I don't know how.

How do adults behave?

Feeling bleak and tired, am going to bed, will read all responses later..

Katie

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LadyMacbeth

Don't get upset. Only saying it because I care but she is right. My T would say the same thing.

Why are you scared of being an adult?

You can still be an adult and nurture your inner child.

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Barebones

being responsible,making choices,knowing ourselves,knowing right and wrong , self control,living up to standers with in society,taking charge.. list goes on in what is supposed to be.

hey its me again doh..

i have a child and i have to know she will be brung up right. even though i act opposite or have extreme feelings or i feel im in a black hole.. its all about maturity.. ive learnt maturity to a sense ive allways been older than i should be.. its all to do with making the right judgments and understanding..but hey to me adult hood is about when i give up feeling threatend from my child hood.. dam again this is hard..i have a adult side, i have a parent and a child, ive been told this.. its to do with what takes over..

im sure again i havent made sense and im sure there is a diffrence of opnion of this.i just wish i could make sense, its me being the child again...

anyway i know ive been i feel im not helpfull.. i just want to help i want everything to be good, i just want the world to be a happy place.. i just want to find me....

hugs karil xxx

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Janie

Emma is right hun

you are an adult and just being you ...your an adult but we all still feel like children etc that feeling i dont think ever goes and its fun to nurture your inner child and let her have fun to ...just theres a time and a place to be adult and child etc .....

no need to be scared hun adults just keep responsonsibility and make desicions etc and a child likes to play and has imature thoughts ...but the both make up our personalities thats why i dont think we ever totally "grow up" ...

its important to just you ......who you are ...

and you sound like a lovely person so just be you hun

with love Janie xxxx

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LadyMacbeth

Janie and Barebones explained it very well.

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Barebones

i just had a thought which i forgot to add.

adulthood is what you picked up from your parents, how else would you understand.. so be it rightly or wrongly is this is why i beleive that its not just having bpd its from other things that has set you on a diffrent place than say normal families.. or if its genetic which they are still thinking about, is that somone still had to have it to passed it on

god again to me this is opening up a can of worms..last thing is society has made what is today and will be in future and has done in the past..

this brings up bad memories on what is an adult..and karil good question if it was me i would ask same thing.. but hey we are incontrol and from what ive learnt is they find it hard to be us or deal with..

dam im off im feeling anti social ...we are more than special its just that there is not anough of us.

take care im going silent again.. i feel to scary

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Barebones

sry... here is some lyrics prob make easier to understand.

I'll give you countless amounts of outright acceptance if you want it

I will give you encouragement to choose the path that you want if you need it

You can speak of anger and doubts your fears and freak outs and I'll hold it

You can share your so-called shame filled accounts of times in your life and I won't judge it

(and there are no strings attached to it)

You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give

You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have

I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege

And you owe me nothing in return

You can ask for space for yourself and only yourself and I'll grant it

You can ask for freedom as well or time to travel and you'll have it

You can ask to live by yourself or love someone else and I'll support it

You can ask for anything you want anything at all and I'll understand it

(and there are no strings attached to it)

You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give

You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have

I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege

And you owe me nothing in return

I bet you're wondering when the next payback shoe will eventually drop

I bet you're wondering when my conditional police will force you to cough up

I bet wonder how far you have now danced you way back into debt

This is the only kind of love as I understand it that there really is

You can express your deepest of truths even if it means I'll lose you and I'll hear it

You can fall into the abyss on your way to your bliss I'll empathize with

You can say that you have to skip town to chase your passion I'll hear it

You can even hit rock bottom have a mid-life crisis and I'll hold it

(and there are no strings attached)

You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give

You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have

I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege

And you owe me nothing in return

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Claire

I don't know what it means to be an adult in the true sense to be honest.

I know that my emmotions and behaviour very often is like a child, I react instantly without thinking, and don't rationalise anything.

I am always afraid, yet I come across as fiesty and in control, I am not at all. I am just frightened by everything and I hide behind it.

I long to be an a adult, but I don't know if I will ever really get there, because of the damage done as a tiny child.

Sorry..

again... :unsure:

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Katherine

thank you all.....

sorry, not very 'wordy' at moment.

there are 2 main things that are difficult and they totallty conflict with each other---

1) I feel that my child selves deserve and are worthy of love. I hate my adult self, she is unlovable and she cannot have the kind of love that my child/ren want now and never had---but can never have.

2) When I was a child, adults weren't reliable, responsive, affiectionate or available emotionally. Sometimes they didn't protect me and even paid no attention when I was bullied and hurt. Logic goes, if I am an adult, then I too cannot love my children, myself.

I KNOW its not really logical, indeed my therapist said yesterday also (nothing like giving me a double whammy when I'm down..)

that I have lots of feelings, but they aren't connected with (current) reality.

I know she is right.

But I am so 'split' inside.

I don't know what to think any more, what to feel, how to respond to others, how to be.

Everything is a topsy turvy mess.

Ah well,

I go to work, I pay my bills always on time, I keep myself clean and fed and so on and so forth

BUT

I have never had a proper loving relationship.

I have a child inside of me that becomes rageful and terrified when she doesn't get what she wants (needs).

I desperately long to be loved, held, cherished, nurtured, taken care of.

I am only 5 foot, weigh under 7 stone, have an immature face and not much breasts or hips to speak of...

Who am I? I don't know how to locate myself in time and space.

If only there was a checklist somewhere where I could tick boxes to at least identify some ways in which I am an adult.

And, if you can, be honest, if you didn't know I was 35, from what I post how old would you say I was?

Katie

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Claire

You know what? I really don't know is the answer for you and I...

yeah we both work and pay the bills etc.... so I guess we are grown up...

I am married, but I know my husband thinks he is married to a little girl most of the time, because I can't bear to be alone and I need attention all the time. I am demanding and have tantrums.

Oh all this makes me so ashamed and pissed off.

I can see why you think this about yourself, cos I think this about me and I have tits!! (just a joke!) but I LOOK young, I mean I am always getting told I look about 19 or 20 years of age, but I am 32.

I used to say I felt like a runaway train, that had gone on and on, :unsure: down the tracks hundreds of miles, and somewhere behind I left my true self behind. I feel lost (like the last post/thread) and unable to tell what is me, what is real. What is a child what is a woman.

Sometimes I feel like a woman, sometimes I feel like a baby. I dunno, I am confused and believe me, so is my husband.....

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Katherine

(((((Claire))))))

I know, I really do know how painful it is...

I was just wondering whether, once I truly get in touch with my lost-child self inside in therapy (starting to emerge, but its so painful, unbearable almost) that I can start to function properly as an adult...????

That takes me trusting even more deeply in my therapist and my therapy....

(am now wondering how my parents REALLY feel about each other...BPD type dad, narcissitic/depressed type mum...)

Katie

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Katherine

I used to say I felt like a runaway train, that had gone on and on,  down the tracks hundreds of miles, and somewhere behind I left my true self behind. I feel lost (like the last post/thread) and unable to tell what is me, what is real. What is a child what is a woman.

that is such an evocative image for me, the train...reminds me of lost --lots of childhood/teenage dreams of trains...

My true self?

Who is she?

I did some writing over Christmas that I read to my therapist, it was about what is my real self? She said that my writing, what I wrote was my real self.

So, she exists somewhere, just so long as someone feels safe and patient enough to stay with me until she trusts enough to emerge??

Katie

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Claire

yeah she definately exists.

Like my real claire exists, but it's all really misty.

actually i came to the conclusion that no matter what I do, I don't think I will ever really become a complete adult. Not in the sense that 'normal' people are anyway.

I just think that this is too much to ask of myself. I think the true inner peace that I am seeking, will finally come from accepting that this is just the way I am and that this is totally cool, and one day I will be truly happy with this dual personality me.

I really think I will be able to come to terms with this one day.

:)

I think this is very painful for you, but it's sounds like you can already really get in touch with her so well already. This is sooo cool, you just need to integrate her to who you are now. and feel totally comfortable with it. It's possible.... but difficult..

but it's sounds like you are well on your way, whereas me, I think I need to do more self discovery.. which I hate and am afraid of, but know it's essential.

xx

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Katherine

((((((Claire)))))))

and, to ((((((((integration))))))))

(I'd better keep colouring those mandalas...)

I often have the feeling that I don't 'belong in the world'. As I feel this thought again I clench my foot firmly on the floor.

I know these feelings stem from not being properly welcomed into the world safely....

a group facilitator - when I knew far less about myself than I do now - once had me go round the room saying to everyone "I am here." as he'd twigged onto what I was about...however I hadn't, was too 'frozen' to let it touch me....and just felt an embarresed and weird twat...

As I say to my therapist often, I need to know that I matter to others...she sees this 2 ways, both emotional, and being made of physical matter, existing..

...getting a bit painful and 'heavy' for me.. am off to bed..

((((((Claire))))))

Katie

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caz

I don't really understand the 'nurture the inner child' thing. I know when I an 'acting out' it is the child thats in charge-the child feeling-needing-reacting. I'm saying 'I need this and i need it now!'

This is not a happy child. This is a very broken child. What is the theraputic response? I don't want to reject the child by repressing her again but I don't want her to be in charge.

Do you know?

How do you nurture the inner child- I really do not understand. :(

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LadyMacbeth

How do I nurture my innerchild? I use a schema therapy tactic I learnt in therapy. If I feel scared or have wanted to hurt myself I close my eyes and picture a time when I was afraid and I imagine myself (the adult me) coming in to the room and taking the little me into her arms and comforting her. I tell her she is safe and now and I will protect her. Imagery can work. Its not for everyone but it has helped me.

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caz

thank you emma

kariola

it is almost as though we had the same experience but come up with different responses. The problem with nurturing as you have outlined emma is I have no empathy for the child. I was taught to hate the child-everyone else seemed to. Ithink I learned it was wrong and weak to have needs. You cannot love the adult and I cannot love the child.

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Katherine

(((((Caz))))))

(((((Barebones))))))

((((((Claire)))))))

am feeling emotionally volatile and numb and in shock today...very depressed, it will pass I hope and when it has, and when I've had therapy tomorrow, I amy find something useful to say...

Katie

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ElizabethH14

 

Caz I feel the same way. Like you said.....

 

"is almost as though we had the same experience but come up with different responses. The problem with nurturing as you have outlined emma is I have no empathy for the child. I was taught to hate the child-everyone else seemed to. Ithink I learned it was wrong and weak to have needs. You cannot love the adult and I cannot love the child."

 

My therapist has introduced me to this method that Lady Macbeth mentioned but I just can't accept it, it won't work for me. I keep blocking it all out. It is so painful to go to the child I can't get there when I am at home its all blocked out. I can only manage it when I am at the therapists. When the adult walks into the child's room the child is fearful and doesn't want anything to do with the adult. There is a block between them. They just do not know each other. The child cannot accept help from the adult because she has learnt that when comfort comes it is not real ( my comforter, mother, never meant what she said). Also the child is always at fault and responsible for upsetting everyone else she is always wrong so this means she doesn't deserve any comforting.

Problems I am not yet sure how to confront????

Elizabeth

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lazg

what DOES it mean to be adult?

 

what makes a person adult?

 

Please, I need to know.

 

Thanks,

 

Katie

There is no real set definition. it's jsut something invented by society, a social construct.

thank you all.....

 

sorry, not very 'wordy' at moment.

 

there are 2 main things that are difficult and they totallty conflict with each other---

1) I feel that my child selves deserve and are worthy of love. I hate my adult self, she is unlovable and she cannot have the kind of love that my child/ren want now and never had---but can never have.

2) When I was a child, adults weren't reliable, responsive, affiectionate or available emotionally. Sometimes they didn't protect me and even paid no attention when I was bullied and hurt. Logic goes, if I am an adult, then I too cannot love my children, myself.

 

I KNOW its not really logical, indeed my therapist said yesterday also (nothing like giving me a double whammy when I'm down..)

that I have lots of feelings, but they aren't connected with (current) reality.

I know she is right.

But I am so 'split' inside.

I don't know what to think any more, what to feel, how to respond to others, how to be.

Everything is a topsy turvy mess.

 

Ah well,

I go to work, I pay my bills always on time, I keep myself clean and fed and so on and so forth

BUT

I have never had a proper loving relationship.

I have a child inside of me that becomes rageful and terrified when she doesn't get what she wants (needs).

I desperately long to be loved, held, cherished, nurtured, taken care of.

I am only 5 foot, weigh under 7 stone, have an immature face and not much breasts or hips to speak of...

 

Who am I? I don't know how to locate myself in time and space.

 

If only there was a checklist somewhere where I could tick boxes to at least identify some ways in which I am an adult.

 

And, if you can, be honest, if you didn't know I was 35, from what I post how old would you say I was?

 

Katie

provided you're responsible, this is all that matters. there are more than you'd realise who have never had relationships, for whatever reason.

 

 

I felt frightened yesterday when my T said that I am not a child, and that it is destructive for her to treat me like a child.

 

But I look like a child and have feelings like a child.

 

My T said that I did look bewildered and frightened when she told me I am not a child.

 

So, I need to be an adult, but I don't know how.

How do adults behave?

 

Feeling bleak and tired, am going to bed, will read all responses later..

 

Katie

I think adulthood is about responsibility. little more than that.

as we're all adults, we're all unique in how we behave, though provided in some measure we can stand on our own two feet, this is fine.

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