The Most Important Question Of All: Can You Have A Successful Relation With Someone With Bpd

[mark999]

Many people may not be able to cope with a bpd partner who momentarily fluctuates from treating you like an angel to a devil. Or suddenly shouting at you in a public place. Or not acknowledging your feelings. Or seeing every situation as a victim. Or judging you on work, relations, house work, responsibilities. Or if you give your attention to something else they respond with threats.

I can. I can live with all that and more.

But how do you possibly live with a person who does all that and then turns around and blames you for her pain and does not acknowledge that the troubles in the marriage are because of these actions? It makes no logical sense. She will make up any reason to say it was my fault. She is very intelligent so she can make up literally any reason.

So if I am causing all this pain, then if i really love her I should leave, so even if she has pain, at least she won't feel it is caused by me.

I read in an article that 90% of borderline marriages end in divorce. I don't care about the 90%. I want to know what the 10% are doing that make it work.

Does anyone know the answer to this question?

[manja.]

Has she been diagnosed with BPD?

The title of your topic seems to suggest that she has.

[fedup!]

hi mark,

Lots of folk on here have been diagnosed with BPD and are have discussed how they are in successful, loving relationships. I can't comment on your marriage but a diagnosis doesn't have to always mean marriage problems. that's just my opinion.

[mark999]

Hello Maja, no she has not been diagnosed with BPD. But she displays all the symptoms I described above. after one year of marriage I started researching what on earth could possibly be the problem. I researched and researchend and finally when I read about BPD I could not believe how pin point accurately it described my wife. I mentioned it to her and she was utterly shocked that I could accuse her of something like that. I never mentioned it again. I am very scared of expressing my feelings. And yet she always says she is walking on eggshells.

She is however, a really genuine and unique person and I know her intentions are pure.

[mark999]

fedup hi,

but how? how can one possibly overcome such a conundrum, such a puzzle:

If your spouse takes actions that hurt you again and again... you can say 'its a condition, it's not her'.

But if she turns around and says 'you are making my life miserable. It is all your fault. Change your work. Change your lifestyle. '

What do you possibly do?

[manja.]

How are what you have described above the 'symptoms'.

The following are the symptoms of BPD, taken from http://psychcentral.com/lib/2007/symptoms-of-borderline-personality-disorder/

• Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
  
• A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
  
• Identity disturbance, such as a significant and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self
  
• Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving,binge eating)
  
• Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
  
• Emotional instability due to significant reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
  
• Chronic feelings of emptiness
  
• Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
  
• Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms
  

[manja.]

Sorry for possibly going off topic there, but I consider it relevant.

Think it's best for all involved that I take a step back from this now. Sorry.

[catsmother21]

Hi Mark

One of my diagnoses is BPD. I didn't get married until later in life - I was 40 and my husband was 42 - the first marriage for both of us. I know I couldn't have maintained a marriage when I was at my worst when I was younger. I have had a lot of help with counselling, medication, DBT, a CPN and psychiatrist and met my hubby when I was at a stage in my life where I was ready to get married. We have been together for 5 years, married for nearly 3. We had both been single for 6 years when we met each other and so it was difficult at the beginning and it did trigger some of my old BPD behaviour and we were on and off for the first year but then things began to settle down and honestly cannot imagine being without him. He has bipolar and so understands a lot. He is supportive and I trust him and I have learned not to push him away when I feel like doing that because I know that it will pass and my feelings will return to normal.

I fully intend us to be one of the 10%.

I think your partner needs the same kind of help and support that I have received and then you will stand a good chance.

[catsmother21]

I didn't realise that she hasn't actually been dx-ed with BPD. It is something that is difficult and takes time to diagnose and I would be careful to not label her before you know what her dx is.

[mark999]

Catsmother, thank you. And so glad to hear a positive case.

But how? How do I show I care? How do I show her I love her?

She genuinely believes everything is my fault. She flips everything around. And she does this with her colleagues, friends, family. Everyone.

How can I prove to her that it is her actions that are causing our pain when she believes it is mainly my fault. If I am at home too much she will blame me. If I am away. She will blame me. If we go out too much she will blame me. If I invite friends, she won't like it. She wants to spend all the time with her own parents and never any with mine. I don't mind. But then she turns around and says I should spend more time with her family.

It just doesn't make logical sense to me.

I know I have to go around logic somehow. But how?

[fedup!]

mark have you and your wife tried couples therapy? If she isn't keen you could go alone?

[mark999]

Catsmother, she goes to a therapist and is on depression pills.

And she displays pin point the signs of bpd. When I read symptoms... it is like describing her word for word. The only one symptom she does not display is that she is very responsible with money. Everything else: depression, extreme fear of being abandoned, abdondoing your loved one before he does, strong sense of justice, playing victim, seeing only your own emotions, blaming/flipping the situation, even the very part of 'denying it'. I have read articles with very detailed symptoms, and even the minor minor symptoms describe her. She hates her job. But is very very intelligent. Wants to quit every other day. Wants to divorce me once every three months, etc etc

[mark999]

If I ever mentioned that she should be tested for bpd I think she would refuse to ever talk to me again.

[mark999]

fedup, we went to therapy. She fought with the first therapist and walked out. We went to a second therapist but no matter what I said did not affect my wife. Let us say I proved clearly that one of her actions was the cause of our problems - she would just ignore it - and move on - like I never said it.

[catsmother21]

I agree with fedup that as your wife doesn't have a dx that couples counselling would be a good place to start and maybe a visit to your GP if she agrees to go but she has got to want the help - it has to come from her.

[mark999]

Just to emphasize the symptoms may make it challenging but I would be happy to live with them in order to be with such a special person. What I do not know how to deal with is that she does not aknowledge any of her actions as being the problem and in turn blames me for everything. She actually believed that therapy should change my actions.

And all my actions were to love her. I was and am crazy about her.

[Christine001]

Hi mark,

I can see that you are desparate to get answers, boy I wish relationships were that easy, I do agree with manja there are a lot of criteria and you have to have at least 5 and also have these issues of a long time. only a professional mh can diagnose. I thinklike many on here self diagnosis is risky and someon else diagnosing you even more risky.

i know you want us to give you the tips to change this, but as someone has said you both need to acknowledge there is a problem and be willing to work on it.

In my past relationship I raged, critisied etc and if anyone had suggested I had bpd I would have hit the roof, or more likely my partner. Now I see thant some of my behaviour was due to bpd ( now diagnosed) and some of his behaviour was down to issues he had.

Myabe just maybe if someone outside the relationship that I trusted had tried to support me to get help ( but not say I had bpd )and if my partner also said he needed help with his issues I might of accepted it.

Tbh, I totally beleived it was all him. I wish someone had supported me as I wasted so many years in turmoil. My GP just gave me anti depressants for years, suggested I have counselling but I said no. on the other hand maybe I just wasnt ready yet. Might be worth searching about DBT.

gosh before I had sent this there were so many more posts so just wanted to say the criteria you describe aint the same as the official criteria, sorry thats how it seems. really concerned you are reaching a conclusion before really having it looked at re bpd.

the other thing I have suggested before is that they somehow encourage their partner to sigh up on here, people with all different MH conditions come here, including many with depression

[mark999]

Christine, so fantastic to get your response. Yes, yes... that is exactly how it is.

She blames me completely and would hit the ceiling if I mentioned bpd (I did once during our first year of marriage).

And she is on anti-depressents.

We were married for 5 years and have now been separated for a year. During the last year it is exactly the same. One moment she loves me, then she refuses to talk to me for a couple of months.

But I love her too much. I want to be there to help her, help us. Her family are all very supportive - which means they let her do absolutely anything. She yells and screams at them many times and will sometimes stop communication with them. But they will never say anything.

What exactly should I do?

[manja.]

I think it is worth recognising that there is no guaranteed solution here.

Regardless of what the issues are, regardless of whether she has bpd or not, regardless of anything at all, people can give recommendations, but no one person can turn around to you and say: 'Well, this is what you do to fix the problem. Do A, B and C.

Even if you wife does have bpd, the same as some other people on this forum, every single person in the world is different, every person with the same diagnosis is different, and what works for one will not necessarily work for anyone else.

People can do what they can to give you advice and recommendations based on their experiences, or just general advice, but they will be just that - recommendations and advice - and not necessarily the guaranteed solution that you seem to seek.

Sorry to sound negative, but I think that it is worth bearing that in mind.

[mark999]

Manja, yes, but i am willing to search and try every single solution... until I find one that works.

Right now though to get a perspective of how she feels... rather than how I feel... is what is important to me. Because that is how I will be able to hopefully reach her emotioanlly again.

[bibiddi]

Mark one of the most important things to accept is that no one can change another person. You can only change yourself.

You and your wife are separated, but you are wanting to stay with her.

Do you think that you have abandonment issues yourself??Your feelings for her seem to override what she wants.

Her loving you, and then not speaking to you for months may actually be low self esteem, that you are refusing to leave her alone may be too much for her, and blaming you for everything may just be her venting her anger at you for not leaving her.

Just saying.

[mark999]

bibiddi,

that is not the case... she wants to be with me but with no strings attached. which means get together and then work on things. i say we can't get together unless we acknowledge that your actions have caused our pain, because if we dont' we'll be back to where we begain in a few months.

[mark999]

Christine, do you mind if I send you a pm?

If not, not problem at all

[catsmother21]

I think if she is wanting some space then you need to let her have that but you will need to put some boundaries in place and agree to talk at some point when she feels ready to.

[mark999]

catsmother, and when she is ready to talk what do i do?

the main problem is that she says 'sure lets get back together but i am not going to acknowledge that our problems were because of my actions... they were because of your actions'. No doubt i could improve in many ways. But no matter what I do, no matter how much I improve the problems are I feel because of her symptoms. So how do i get her to acknowledge somethign she refuses to acknowledge?