The Most Important Question Of All: Can You Have A Successful Relation With Someone With Bpd

[Christine001]

fine to pm me, but going out for a few hours

[catsmother21]

You cannot force her to acknowledge things, like I said the realisation has to come from her. There is no single answer that I can give you because everybody is different. Perhaps you could see a therapist and work through things from your side.

[mark999]

But many here do have BPD? Right?

So was there not a point in your life where you would never ever acknowledge that your actions caused pain? What then made you to acknowledge it?

[manja.]

But many here do have BPD? Right?

Have you considered that you may be incorrect in your diagnosis?

[mark999]

I don't think I could be incorrect. Because her symptoms match word for word the symptoms of BP. I don't emean the gneral symptoms. I mean the tiny, minute details

[manja.]

I mean the tiny, minute details

Such as?

Tell me to go away if you like, But i'm trying to help here.

[bibiddi]

If her symptoms match word for word, why are you only concerned in her not acknowledging her actions.

Why no concern with her desire to die?Or any of the other issues that are torturing her soul?

You do appear to be thinking of yourself and not her. I find that quite sad.

[manja.]

If her symptoms match word for word, why are you only concerned in her not acknowledging her actions.

Why no concern with her desire to die?Or any of the other issues that are torturing her soul?

Thanks. That was kinda my concern too, but am doing a bad job of putting it across x

[manja.]

In my opinion, you seem to have interpreted BPD as some kind of condition that makes someone into a really awful person.

That may be true in some cases, but even in those cases, it's just a tiny fraction of it. It's a really serious condition, and one that is really painful to live with.

You mention that only 10% of marriages where one member of the relationship has BPD succeed.

Did you know also that about 10% of those with BPD die by suicide?

I am not trying to scare you, but if your wife does have BPD there are much more serious issues here, and I would be very careful about trying to give someone a psychiatric diagnosis, if you are not a psychiatrist.

Sorry for how this may come across but I am trying to help here.

[mark999]

bibiddi, excellent point.

I love her dearly and care for her completely. The reason I am concerned about acknolweding it is because whatever I do however I do it, she blames me. For example let us say she does something wrong and then is in pain. I walk up to help, she blames me. 'If you had been there, if you had done this, if you had... then I wouldn't be sad'.

I absolutely care for how she feels and how much pain she is in. That is why I am here. To understand a way to show her I care. But if she blames my actions for her pain - how can I possibly help? Because no matter what I do she blames me.

That is why if she acknowledges that her actions are causing her pain it will free me up to hold her hand and lift her up

[Lily-Bee]

I tend to agree with Manja,its a bit offensive actually to me. You state that she all the symptoms and then list a bunch of things that are in fact not BPD symptoms,like;blaming,playing the victim etc

Lily

[mark999]

She has made me the bad guy in her life - just because I am next to her. When she is at work - her colleague is the bad gue.

No matter who she is with becoems the bad guy.

So if I am the bad guy how can I help her. Because when I approach her - she is thinking this bad guy with bad intentions, who is unfair, is approaching me.

Even though I know her intentions are pure. At heart she is someone special.

[ILostHer]

I think the problem with researching symptoms on the net is because you so want to find a reason or a label for your/your wife's problems that you get an official site with all the symptoms (Like Manja listed) and then sites that are just wrong and list things that are not part of the diagnostic criteria.

So, you see 'Playing the victim' (Not ever heard that as a symptom of BPD to be honest) and think "That's my wife!"

Then you pin everything you have read on an illness that may not be correct and you are then sort of going down the wrong route.

I actually think your wife has a good plan to get back together and work on things, instead of being so adamant to get her to admit her actions caused all the pain, why don't you say you would like her to recieve help to make her feel better for her and then maybe work on the seperate marriage issues?

I could be wrong of course, I have never had a succesful relationship but wanted to reply because I wanted to warn you not to believe everything you read, some people say very incorrect things about people with BPD. It's like the label that people with schizophrenia get, everybody has an opinon on that illness and it's usually wrong, they then put 'their' opinion on a website and people think it's a true symptom.

I hope things improve for both of you.

[mark999]

Lily, I may be totally wrong here but from my research BPDs base a lot of their actions on two overwhelming feelings:

1) a sense of justice (that is why many things are unfair, and feel victimized, and they blame the person next to them)

2) a sense of abandonment (that is why if their spouse gives attention to someone or something else they will react with threats, in effect fulfiling a self fulling prophecy).

Am I wrong?

[manja.]

She has made me the bad guy in her life - just because I am next to her. When she is at work - her colleague is the bad gue.

No matter who she is with becoems the bad guy.

So if I am the bad guy how can I help her. Because when I approach her - she is thinking this bad guy with bad intentions, who is unfair, is approaching me.

Mark, do you mind me asking - is this part of what you are making your diagnosis based on?

[Lily-Bee]

I think the focus shouldnt be on her having BPD as you think but on how the two of you can move forward. Couples counselling was already mentioned,I think its a good idea.

Lily

[manja.]

Lily, I may be totally wrong here but from my research BPDs base a lot of their actions on two overwhelming feelings:

1) a sense of justice (that is why many things are unfair, and feel victimized, and they blame the person next to them)

2) a sense of abandonment (that is why if their spouse gives attention to someone or something else they will react with threats, in effect fulfiling a self fulling prophecy).

Am I wrong?

I know this was meant for Lily, but on point 1, I have not come across it, definitely not personally, and I don't think I have really come across 'a sense of justice' in anything that I have researched.

2. Frantic attempts to avoid abandonment. Doing really over the top things to avoid abandonment - I'm not sure if threats is enough to be called 'frantic attempts', others may wish to comment - any in many cases, abandoning the other person, before they have the opportunity to abandon them.

Others may disagree but I would be dis-inclined to based a BPD diagnosis even partly on making threats because of fear of abandonment. I think there would need to be a lot more to it than that.

[mark999]

ILostCharlotte, thank you so much. That may be the best piece of advice I have ever received.

You are absolutely right.

I should focus on her receiving help and being there for her rather than forcing her to acknowledge her actions even if ther are causing harm. Ok, that is something to think about. Thank you. Thank you.

And you are of course right it may not be BPD, maybe some variation of it, or maybe somethign different entirely.

But thank you. Best message I have read all year!

[manja.]

I think the focus shouldnt be on her having BPD as you think but on how the two of you can move forward.

Lily

I agree with this.

I think too much is being blamed on a diagnosis of BPD, and I think seeking general advice from others is fine, but there is no need to look for advice specifically from people who have BPD, when it is not known that she has it xx

[Lily-Bee]

Sorry but yes youre wrong,sense of justice is simply not a symptom and abandonment issues are in your post interpreted in a way that is presumptious.How people deal with abadonment issues varies.

Lily

[mark999]

Manja hi, i am basing my diagnosis on these actions:

1: One moment she thinks I am the best husband alive. Within 30 seconds she tells me to divorce her.

2: She has thoughts racing through her mind and can't sleep.

3: She always feels things are very unfair - even if someone goes out of their way to be extra fair.

She will get upset with anyone - anywhere - about anything.

4: She has many lows. And many guilty feelings. Her default setting is to be down.

5: If I am happy and excited - she will have a way to pull me down - and that is very very difficult because since i was a kid i was an unusually happy person.

6: She has had panic attacks. And tehre were times when I could not leave her side for even a few minutes.

7: She is very very intelligent - both at school and work she excells, yet she wants to quit her job every day.

9: She will question our relationship over every disagreement. Disagreement is the worst thing for her.

10: When I try to express myself she either just feels hurt or switches off, but will not acknowledge my feelings.

She constantly expresses herself yet says she is not able to be herself.

11; i walk on eggshells not knowing when she will explode. yet she says she needs to walk on eggshells around me.

12: she flips almost everything - so it is impossible to tackle the issue.

13: she will tell her cousins what a miserable life she has because of me - yet i may be wrong, but i think i am a devoted husbaand, generally a very good hearted person who tries to see things from the other person's point of view.

14: No matter what she says or does - I say 'great, go for it'. Yet she will criticize me or judge me or try to stop me from doing almost anything regarding work, family, friends, house work.

Lily, we have been to couples counselling for over a year. to two different therapists. it did not help.

[manja.]

I don't know if it's all that helpful to get into a big discussion about whether or not she has BPD, because I don't think it's all that relevant, and as mentioned only a psychiatrist can decide that anyhow: BUT as someone with the diagnosis, I see only one of those, possibly two, that may fit the BPD criteria.

Most of these I don't see as related to BPD, although others may disagree, and I, like you, am not a psychiatrist.

I don't mean to push it, but you seem so very sure of it.

Leaving this list aside, how many of the criteria for BPD does she fit?

I'm happy for you to say to leave it, as again it really probably isn't all that relevant

[Lily-Bee]

I am sorry that this is so hard for you. I dont know what else to advise,its hard were hearing only your side of the story for one. Secondly your list above here theyre not BPD symptoms. Doesnt mean she doesnt have it but the picture youre painting doesnt look like BPD to me.

We can advise about BPD but its most unclear if she actually has BPD.

Lily

[bibiddi]

Mark, I read that she is your first love.

How does it feel when you think you are losing her?

[mark999]

Ok, that is very very interesting to get a response that she may not have bpd. i thought every single action i listed about was a clear symptom of bpd.

Manja, Lily, coudl you please list for me the top 5 symptoms of bpd?