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I Have A Very Upset Girlfriend. Please Help.


Vanille13

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I hope this is the right forum, It seems to be the most correct out of what i've seen due to my girlfriends past mental health, but i'm not sure her newest problems belong here. I will greatly appreciate any input that you may have. To make this simple i'll make a bullet-point list of her personality and situation, leading up to our current problems. Sorry if some things are slightly irrelevant, I just want to give a full picture of her so there can be few misconceptions and assumptions later.

My Girlfriend

  • We're both in our early 20's.
  • We've been together around 2 years and we're rather perfect together in most ways.
  • I should mention that I (male) have OCPD, although I'm starting to think it is more mild than most found on forums.
  • She's experienced depression (not sure what kind) for many years now and when we met she was 'unable to feel happiness'. Now she has changed and feels happy most of the time. She used to be in bed most of the time, she was a mess and she did very little university work. Now she has a routine, sleeps properly at night and manages to complete work without being too forgetful or blank.
  • She also used to have problems with recognising people, forming sentences during a discussion (despite being very intelligent) and remembering things in general. Her room was a complete mess, with mouldy cups everywhere, all items were on the floor somewhere and she didn't dress so well. She also has very few friends. She would cry daily, she saw little future for herself and eventually thought she may end her life, though she has never harmed herself; it's not really her style.
  • Now she takes care of her appearance, she can now recognise faces much more easily and she's nowhere near as forgetful or slow with university work. She's caught up with what could be considered 'normal' and now she regularly reads up on Psychology and Science in general as she has an academic mind. She also has hopes for the future and has no plans of ending her life. Do not misinterpret my meaning here, I do not wish to come across as her savior or anything, I'm just stating the truth.
  • Her father died when she was about 11 and her mother was too weak to handle it, thus sometimes acting like more of a child than her children. From about age 15 she started to seriously dislike her mother and now she sometimes feels sick even when her mother touches her. After living with her for some time I realise that this does not come out of nowhere, she does not seem crazy or to exaggerate; her mother is unstable herself and rather passive-aggressive. The mother is estranged with her eldest son and the other one is not so fond of her either. My girlfriend feels pity for her mother, but cannot bring herself to share much of her life with her and hates the idea of her mother knowing many basic things about her life. I do not like this and I feel sorry for her mother, but she has very valid reasons for disliking her, which would be off-topic to mention.
  • She is somewhat of a feminist, which I'm happy about, but not to the annoying extent that 'extreme' feminists generally are. She is logical and it sometimes upsets her massively that she's female, though she is adamant that she would never want to be male and she has no gender issue. We've spoken at length about gender and she feels that all of the 'decent' traits amongst humans are traditionally male and the traditionally female traits are weak. She hates the idea of being a mother, at least in the traditional sense and hates that this is the main female purpose. I myself am very pro-women and have tried to convince her of the hidden strengths that women have.
  • Nothing upsets her more than the idea of rape, even though it has never even remotely been close to happening to her. When she reads of rape crime on the internet and sees some violent porn it disturbs her greatly and she's cried about it a lot. It also disturbs her a lot to learn of sex slaves that are in existence, regardless of age. When rape is included in TV shows, movies or books it sometimes ruins her mood for hours and she cries about it. Despite all of this her number one sexual fantasy remains to be 'play rape' and domination.
  • Although being masculine by mind, she is sometimes very feminine in appearance and her body language is rather androgynous. One of her lifetimes ambitions was to join the army, which will never happen, i'm glad to say. I'm not sure it's actually something she wants to do anymore, though I haven't convinced her out of it.
  • She hates that she has to see women everywhere in adverts and on TV and in the street where they put so much effort into looking perfect.

The Current Situation

  • Before we got together we were sharing university accommodation with other people. She knew about my slight reputation as a womaniser, she knew I was slightly weird sexually (although not to the full extent) and she knew I watched porn often. We had sex regularly and it still didn't bother her when she caught me watching porn, everybody knew I did really, sort of like Joey from friends, somebody would knock on my door, I'd tell them i'm whacking one off and they'd laugh and leave. That's the attitude we had over it.
  • She also learned early on that I have quite a large porn collection, but only later on realised how I sort of 'farm' videos and pictures in masses. Whilst this could be considered weird, I do have OCPD and I do this with EVERYTHING, I have masses of music and movies and I treat each subject the same. I'm not particularly sex obsessed and I've considered the possibility, but we both dismissed it. I have tenancies towards perfection and sometimes beauty can literally 'blow me away' despite the fact I may not be necessarily horny. I can be similarly blown away when I see places on TV or images that I just love and i'll talk about it forever. Just walking around cities I'll go on and on about the architecture. Males in my generation seem to go through massive amounts of porn and i'm no different, I have images based on certain body parts or clothing etc and it upsets her when she sees such perfection on my PC. I have offered to delete everything and she feels it would be wrong to.
  • This is the part i'm ashamed of. When we first met, before I developed any feelings for her I would point out people in the street I found 'hot', and not necessarily people, but things they were wearing. I'm a very observant person and I talk a lot about what I think of. At first she would point out women wearing things that she knew I loved and it seemed all fine. I revealed to her that it had been a big thing of mine to one day go to some sort of orgy and I opened up to her more. I made it clear that I'm happy to never sleep with another woman and that I'd just like to be in that surrounding and i'm happy for her to have whatever fun she wants. At first she sort of liked the idea and would fantasise about having multiple guys. I'm fine with that, it's only sex and I want her to be happy.
  • She suddenly dropped a bomb on me probably about a year ago that she was very upset about it all and she'd been hiding it. Although she used to point women out for me and would watch porn with me etc, it suddenly all backfired and it turned out I was upsetting her. Even now she claims she genuinely was ok with it all back then, but now she can't bear to see other women and their perfection. I kind of wish I hadn't been so open with her and told her everything I was thinking. I feel like now i've sort of ruined her and made her insecure.
  • This is important: She is confident. She feels that she is good looking but due to my stupid jokes about her body she's developed some insecurity about it. I always joked that she has small boobs, which she finds funny too and she abuses me in a similar manner. I'm guessing that some Americans on her may find me cruel, but in England people show affection and share humour by insulting eachother. The important part is that I don't mean my jokes. I think she has perfectly shaped boobs and although sometimes I find myself captivated by larger ones, I typically prefer women with smaller boobs. Now she can't go anywhere without seeing boobs and it upsets her. I also joked about her having a weak chin (and thus weak genetics) which ended up affecting her more than I imagined and now she goes round observing womens faces for their bone structure!
  • It's got to the point where we can no longer watch some of the TV shows we both enjoy because of the 'perfect' sex scenes that they have. In case any of you watch Spartacus or Californication, then you'll know what I mean. Now we always watched these shows with friends (mostly male) and she knows we all love them, which in turn makes her dread watching them. When a friend came round recently wanting to watch one of them she left the house for a while, but still couldn't get it out of her head. I've tried justifying it by explaining how dog-like men can be with their uncontrollable urge for women, but it doesn't matter to her. It's weird because I always grew up putting women on a pedestal, because I always thought they had so much power due to their beauty.
  • She's very logical and understands that it's in a males DNA to be attracted to multiple women, whilst it's in a womans DNA to keep one man. She also watches enough nature shows to realise that absolutely every creature on this earth is obsessed with sex. I mean that's what it all comes down to, which is kind of sad. She knows that men look at porn and get a satisfaction for it, but she an't quite become ok with it.
  • Her opinion on porn was once that it is the same as cheating, because although it's not physical it is still the desire for other women, but I have always argued that it is not necessarily the case; I truly do not watch porn just to see other women, I also love it because it provides situations and aesthetical pleasure, regardless of who's doing it. Especially amateur stuff where it's unpredictable. Now her opinion of porn is that it's ok and it's not morally wrong, but rather that she's doesn't like me seeing it and that I would hide it. Yet it breaks her heart when she catches me.
  • I will not cheat and she trusts me. There was a moment about a year ago where somebody kissed me and I didn't pull away until a few seconds later, I mean mainly because it surprised me, but I told her about it and it destroyed her for a few months. She's over that and I genuinely haven't cheated or considered it, despite having a few opportunities thrown at me. I even told her about these and she seemed very happy that i'd told her. She reassures me that she's very confident I won't cheat (and I really don't think I will, i'm happy). Also I should mention that I'm the type of guy that leaves his phone around everywhere, so she knows I have nothing to hide.
  • She revealed to me that she had at one point during our relationship been attracted to a close friend of mine, and had masturbated over him. Although I was annoyed for the first few minutes, I accepted it because it was purely fantasy. She would never do anything and I believe her 100%. He still comes round and I can trust them alone. I trust him too and i'm the type that has been known to be overly-jealous when I truly suspect something. In this case I really do not. She was very thankful that I accepted her sexual thoughts and had admitted that she could not handle it if I had thoughts about one of her friends.
  • She knows that although i'm attracted to various typed of women, that I have a particular 'type' that I go crazy for. She's not this type and it bugs her, but I love her deeply and it does not matter to me. I accept her as she is. She also knows that even if she was this type, it would not matter because occasionally I like different things. I like variety.
  • As of about 8-10 months ago I usually keep my mouth shut whenever I find somebody attractive, I try to hide porn and I have changed my internet habits.

So to summarise very quickly, her problems at the moment are that she cannot see attractive women, especially in sex scenes. She is brought to tears by the idea of rape and slavery and she has slight issues about women in general, especially her mother. It doesn't help that i'm very open sexually and have a few issues of my own including obsessiveness (only in relation to my harboring of porn and not its content) and my obsessions with perfection, which lie in all aspects of my life. I feel I have somewhat ruined her by making her aware of things in the street that she wasn't previously aware of back when she was depressed and didn't really notice anything. It's eating me up and I really want to help the situation. She assures me that i've done little wrong and she believes the problems lie with her. I know some of them lie with me, but it's too late now. I'm hoping somebody here will pick out her problems with women, which seem to crop up throughout her history.

I have a very big feeling that I will come across as an evil being to some of you here, especially from those who are not of my nation or generation. I think I have laid out all of my cards and i'm hoping that somebody could wade through this and shed some light on the situation?

We're very strong together aside from these few problems, which incidentally are huge and we live probably 90% of our time together, no exaggeration. We think we may get married in the future (not for a long time) and it's a shame to give up on the relationship and we want to fight for it. She's currently waiting for a slot with a therapist of some kind, but it's taking forever.

Thankyou for reading.

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I agree with Christine, but would add - only if you don't look honestly at your behaviours and how they effect other people.

but in England people show affection and share humour by insulting eachother.

Please no, not all. Some may do, but it really isn't the cultural norm. To imply otherwise is a very narrow view and is painful for people who have been emotionally abused.

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I agree with Christine, but would add - only if you don't look honestly at your behaviours and how they effect other people.

but in England people show affection and share humour by insulting eachother.

Please no, not all. Some may do, but it really isn't the cultural norm. To imply otherwise is a very narrow view and is painful for people who have been emotionally abused.

I expected this much. Some of these things sound worse when written down. If she could read these replies and even entertain the thought of mental abuse, she would literally laugh, as would anybody that knows us. I do not abuse her. The severity of the situation can depend on how it's written down. A better way to put it would be 'banter', which is certainly common amongst students. It's not just literally insulting people. She says things about me too and it's not offensive. I will reply properly later as a friend is arriving.

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I am not sure what it is you want here, coz getting people to agree she has the problems is unlikley.

at the end of the day what you like sexually, porn etc is up to you but I know you dont agree but I sense a control issue that you have over your girlfriend.

you are very young, sex, relationships are all well young too in relation to maturity, so this could be one of those situations.

but if you are really concerned about her how do you think you could help? if you really love her then backing away and encourgaing her to get outside help would be a good idea in my view.

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yeah I was gonna say it sounds like banter, but banter out of control can really hurt people.

You need to acknowledge this isn't the way to be man, some porn is ok and stuff but it leaves her feeling very insecure. I know you like to be super open about everything, but calling it 'just sex' really isn't the right attitude in a relationship, its something that is emotional, precious, and just between you.

I'd also go as far to say banter is fine, but banter about a womans looks? Definitely not fine. That sort of thing plays on the mind, and she should be made to feel like the most beautiful woman on the planet if you want to be in a relationship with her. You can think other women are hot, and discussing things is great, but she is special, and must feel as such, because that's what she deserves as your partner.

As far as practical advice goes, talk with her and acknowledge what is making her upset. Listen. Keep listening, and then listen some more. When she is convinced you've listened, give her a cuddle and say you'll do your best to change, and that because you don't want to be immature in your sexual nature anymore, you would appreciate her commenting and suggesting alternative ways of doing something if she is upset with anything so you can make this relationship work and be happy together.

As for her, talk lots and be open about her feelings. She should be able to talk to you about anything in the world. Let her know you take her seriously, even if its hard. I'd probably say the GP was a good one to talk to as a first port of call, then some therapy and suchlike. It sounds like theres a few underlying issues.

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hi vanille13

i really think that you need to read your post again with an open mind then you will probably find most of your answers , im english and always have been and i certainly dont find affection in insulting other people , i always find the silver rule applies "Do not do unto others what you would not have them do unto you" , as for the porn im not saying it is wrong but only if you are single , what you have to remember is your girlfriends feelings and from reading your post you dont think before you open your mouth , from what you have said you belittle her all the time and in my books this is emotional abuse and in my eyes it is the worst type and takes the longest to get over , you also say that she cries whenever she see anything to do with rape , and again from my point of view that is not normal and tells me there is something there she hasnt told you and doesnt want anyone to know about .

if i was you i would start treating her with a bit more respect get rid of your porn and keep your personal preferences to yourself and from your post i cant really see that anything your girlfriend is doing is wrong , as for her mother she must feel that way for a reason about her not every mother is a good mother but you cant choose your family but this doesnt mean that you have to love them either

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I think most people on this forum are british.

I agree with Orange Lamp, your girlfriend does seem to be unhappy and going to her GP would be a good first step. maybe there is also some sort of therapy you could attend together to help you to understand each other. you obviously have two different personality types and even tho things were obviously good for a while sometimes two people do need a bit of help.

like michael says i don't think your girlfriend is actually doing anything wrong. I wouldnt quite like to say you are doing anything wrong either but its obviously not right for your girlfriend. everyone wants a partner they can 'be themselves' with but sometimes you have to compromise and be able to let things go for the sake of the person you love. I'm not saying give up porn, i'm not saying you are the only person who needs to change, thats really something to decide together with the help of a therapist if you have one. but when one person is unhappy as your girlfriend changes do have to me made

I agree lots of people have a banter type relationship where they insult each other. I think its usually more a friendship thing but in theory its not wrong in a relationship. but the important thing about banter is it is a 2 way thing. if 2 people are doing it then it can be very funny but the words used are hurtful if you take them literally. taking banter literally isnt a bad thing, everyone is different but when someone tries to banter with someone who isnt bantering back it kind of stops being banter. I wouldnt quite like to call it bullying, you say there is no harm intended but it can cause the same emotional effects as bullying.

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For some people banter can be hard,I know I often worry theyre secretly serious. So you might want to be carefull with it and make sure she knows your true feelings.

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Vanille13,

I read your initial post, as well as the responses. What I take from your post is that you felt that life had improved for your girlfriend, in terms of her living habits, but you have discovered that some of your sexual interests & activities aren't as cool with her as you thought, and she expressed, they were. If I'm correct in my understanding, I don't really see where the problem lies with your girlfriend.

From what I've read, I think that you have a difficult choice to make; her or your preferred lifestyle. Let's face facts, you're both young and will go through many individual changes over the next decade+. Perhaps, you need to seek out your sexual fantasies and, providing no one is harmed by this, I see nothing wrong with that.

One suggestion though; If you really care for and respect your girlfriend you won't drag her through this with you. Does she bottle her thoughts until, suddenly, they flow in a very emotional way? Does she seem insecure, almost waiting for that time when you tell her you've been with someone else? What's more important to you, the girlfriend, or the fantasies of uninhibited sex with today's version of Elizabeth Hurley? You have, no doubt, very strong feelings pulling you both ways. The difference between being a kid and being an adult is not which path you choose, but in how you go about doing so. I think that it took an enormous amount of bravery to make your initial post, moreso, to respond to the negative responses in a non-confrontational way. Kudos for that. But, your girlfriend sounds like a normal young woman, to me.

Hey, honestly, the best of luck with this situation! I made all of the wrong moves when I was your age and never really gave a lot of thought to who I was hurting, until the damage was done. Decades later, I'm re-connecting with many of these women on a social site and some are looking for some form of vindication. Not exactly what I'd planned for my late 40s.

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you have been very courageous and honest in posting

among your parents and their friends, making insulting comments as a sign of affection may have been the norm, but it certainly isn't among the majority of people in the UK. it is, as you have found out, deeply hurtful and damaging to self-respect. 45 years ago my wife was once told by her mother that she looked like a turnip. Frequently I tell my beautiful wife that she is the most beautiful woman in the world. if you ask her today to describe herself she will give you one word - turnip. that is what you have done for your girlfriend I'm afraid. you are going to have to put a very great deal of work into rebuilding her self-esteem

Finally - read and re-read Canadian Mike's response. You have some key decisions to make. how much do you love this woman? enough to destory your porn? enough to learn to be excited by what she finds exciting? enough to spend the next 20 years working to repair her damaged self-esteem? I hope that you do.

Oh, by the way, crying when you see a rape scene is normal - rape is very bad for people. I was raped multiple times when I was a child and I can tell you it is destructive. You are supposed to cry when anyone is raped.

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Oh, by the way, crying when you see a rape scene is normal - rape is very bad for people
I think that is why I felt upset about what you wrote. I haven't been raped but it is upsetting to think about.
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Oh, by the way, crying when you see a rape scene is normal - rape is very bad for people. I was raped multiple times when I was a child and I can tell you it is destructive. You are supposed to cry when anyone is raped.

crying when someone is being raped on a tv program would be normal to someone who has been raped , but if you havent been in that situation you would just feel disgusted or sad for them , i was also raped multiple times as a child , just from reading some of things he has said in his post leads me to believe there is something deeper in his girlfriend that she hasnt told him about and doesnt want him to know , if not then fine but if something has happened then he needs to be very careful and not push her

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I cry over things that havent happened to me, like films where 2 people are in a relationship and one dies, thats totally outside my experience but still very very sad.

it might just mean shes a very empathic person or maybe she knows or used to know someone who was raped. I dont think its a bad thing in itself, it depends how deep her distress is. but vanille 13s gf doesnt sound very happy to me

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thank you both for your sensible posts. thinking about what you have said, my wife does not respond by crying about such things on TV shows although she does find it sad, whereas I do cry and flashback. so you are right, that colours my understanding - thank you.

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my advice to your girlfriend, get the hell away from this man

Please no, not all. Some may do, but it really isn't the cultural norm. To imply otherwise is a very narrow view and is painful for people who have been emotionally abused.

hi vanille13 i really think that you need to read your post again with an open mind then you will probably find most of your answers , im english and always have been and i certainly dont find affection in insulting other people , i always find the silver rule applies "Do not do unto others what you would not have them do unto you" , as for the porn im not saying it is wrong but only if you are single , what you have to remember is your girlfriends feelings and from reading your post you dont think before you open your mouth , from what you have said you belittle her all the time and in my books this is emotional abuse and in my eyes it is the worst type and takes the longest to get over

I found your post triggering, You sound selfish and your girlfriend should walk away.

Alright, I have to reply to these first because i'm rather annoyed at the ignorance that you've shown (Not you Michael). What I did NOT mention in my original post is that I am very nice to my girlfriend the majority of the time, in fact it's rare for me to be actually cruel towards her. What I did not tell you is that I tell her I love her more than once a day, I compliment her most days on various things, I spend almost every meal with her in what we consider 'quality time'. I like to cook for her, I treat her with much respect, I help her with her work which can sometimes result in the sacrifice of my own success just to help her. I tell her very often how special she is to me and she has almost no issue with me at all. She is not some little weak girl and she is not afraid to speak out at all, in fact we have a very equal relationship and she always stands up to me. In fact, every 2-3 days she likes to tell me how grateful she is to have me. This is no exaggeration.

On the issue of banter, I already explained it is not outright insult. What 'insults' I give her are always accompanied by laughter from the both of us and is not much stronger than what you'd see in any prime TV chat show. My relationship with my parents is largely banter-based (Although I think this is unusual) and their relationships with all of their friends have been this way (and i've worked at both or their separate workplaces). The majority of people i've worked with have some form of banter (even 60 year old statisticians, though slightly more polite), not to mention almost all of my friends have a very similar banter and almost every student I've met does too. Now i'm not ruling out the notion that I live in a complete bubble and what i've experienced so far in life is not normal UK culture (though watching anything like 'Have I Got News For You' or QI will show you that there's plenty of friendly insults). I would also like to point out that I do not have Aspergers and thus I have no problem understanding relationships. In fact I can be considered a popular person.

If you could hear the way I joke with my girlfriend I doubt you'd be shocked. But whatever, i'm a monster and she would do very well to run as far away from possible from me. Thanks for the constructive posts. Oh by the way, that was sarcasm, which I believe is popular in UK relationships, unless I have that completely wrong too?

I would like to re-iterate that if my girlfriend or anybody who has seen our relationship would actually laugh out loud at the notion that I am emotionally 'abusing' her.

EDIT: I would like to add that I have met a few people who do not seem to do banter at all. These people are usually at least 40 years old, and they only have serious discussion or compliment others.

EDIT 2: I should also point out that we 'insult' eachother equally. This also is no exaggeration.

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I am not sure what it is you want here, coz getting people to agree she has the problems is unlikley.

at the end of the day what you like sexually, porn etc is up to you but I know you dont agree but I sense a control issue that you have over your girlfriend.

you are very young, sex, relationships are all well young too in relation to maturity, so this could be one of those situations.

but if you are really concerned about her how do you think you could help? if you really love her then backing away and encourgaing her to get outside help would be a good idea in my view.

I appreciate your view, but I would decline the notion of a control issue. She would disagree also. It's part of my OCPD nature to be controlling in some aspects, but they aren't generally relationship based. Whilst we are young, I believe that we are very mature for our age. People may like to dispute this based on the fact that we're having problems and that we're seeking outside help, but that is primarily immaturity of our relationship and not necessarily a personalities in general. We are both discovering new things bout ourselves, which naturally take time to notice and explore. I'm not sure exactly what you meant due to the ambiguity of people's perception of 'maturity', but we generally believe that more time on this earth gives only some new experiences and does not necessarily give you some divine insight into life. We actually find many older people to be rather immature, disguised only by the fact that they've survived for 20 years longer than we have and that they've raised a child; we do not believe this denotes real maturity and it's rather evident if you take a second to observe people. I do not mean to be pedantic, we're just very tired of people looking down on us because of our ages and presuming that we know nothing of life (not that we claim to be so enlightened). Sorry for going slightly off-topic. I don't know why I ranted about that, but hey, it's a forum.

We are getting outside help, but with a low budget we're waiting on NHS to sort this out. Also I hope that by 'backing away' you don't mean leave her? I mean I do seem to have a reputation of being a monster here.

yeah I was gonna say it sounds like banter, but banter out of control can really hurt people.

You need to acknowledge this isn't the way to be man, some porn is ok and stuff but it leaves her feeling very insecure. I know you like to be super open about everything, but calling it 'just sex' really isn't the right attitude in a relationship, its something that is emotional, precious, and just between you.

I'd also go as far to say banter is fine, but banter about a womans looks? Definitely not fine. That sort of thing plays on the mind, and she should be made to feel like the most beautiful woman on the planet if you want to be in a relationship with her. You can think other women are hot, and discussing things is great, but she is special, and must feel as such, because that's what she deserves as your partner.

As far as practical advice goes, talk with her and acknowledge what is making her upset. Listen. Keep listening, and then listen some more. When she is convinced you've listened, give her a cuddle and say you'll do your best to change, and that because you don't want to be immature in your sexual nature anymore, you would appreciate her commenting and suggesting alternative ways of doing something if she is upset with anything so you can make this relationship work and be happy together.

As for her, talk lots and be open about her feelings. She should be able to talk to you about anything in the world. Let her know you take her seriously, even if its hard. I'd probably say the GP was a good one to talk to as a first port of call, then some therapy and suchlike. It sounds like theres a few underlying issues.

Well the thing is, it's not really out of control, however I do strongly agree with what you say about not having banter about her looks. This is one thing that I will admit to being immature about; I thought that because on the surface all seemed ok that banter of her appearance wouldn't matter too much, because i'm joking (and she knows it), but subconsciously it does seem to have an affect. This is my learning curve. It's funny because back when I couldn't get girls, I found out I was boring because I had no banter, so when grew up socially I learned that by having some quick banter everybody loved it, ESPECIALLY women. This is the most fucked up thing, because the more you 'insult' a woman the more she wants to have you (and no, i'm really not deluded) though this is only from my experience of students, not the general population, so when I took this as at its face value I thought it would have no problem, but little did I know that I was chipping away her confidence a little. I genuinely did not mean this.

I'm sure I will get some hate for the above paragraph, but then 'Mental Health Forums' do not strike me as being filled with the aforementioned population.

I suppose it makes sense really, because one of the reasons banter goes down well with women is because it not only shows humour and confidence, but it also knocks them back slightly when they are given a mild ambiguous comment instead of the typical "omg you're so beautiful" comments that women typically have. I should also mention at this point that i'm not a fan of crude sexual jokes like most guys my age seem to, so I'm somewhat more respectful with my banter than a lot of people can be.

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hi vanille13

i really think that you need to read your post again with an open mind then you will probably find most of your answers , im english and always have been and i certainly dont find affection in insulting other people , i always find the silver rule applies "Do not do unto others what you would not have them do unto you" , as for the porn im not saying it is wrong but only if you are single , what you have to remember is your girlfriends feelings and from reading your post you dont think before you open your mouth , from what you have said you belittle her all the time and in my books this is emotional abuse and in my eyes it is the worst type and takes the longest to get over , you also say that she cries whenever she see anything to do with rape , and again from my point of view that is not normal and tells me there is something there she hasnt told you and doesnt want anyone to know about .

if i was you i would start treating her with a bit more respect get rid of your porn and keep your personal preferences to yourself and from your post i cant really see that anything your girlfriend is doing is wrong , as for her mother she must feel that way for a reason about her not every mother is a good mother but you cant choose your family but this doesnt mean that you have to love them either

She likes to hide when she's feeling down, but she's been very explicit about her feelings and I do not feel she's hiding anything; if there's more to it then it's subconscious. Well the reason I mentioned her mother is because it's somehow related to her feelings towards women in general, which she does not understand and it is 1 piece in this complex puzzle of ours. Also she does not want me to delete porn, she has sometimes enjoyed watching it and she feels there's nothing wrong with it, but she still seems to get upset. In fact she has explicitly stated that she will be annoyed if I do delete it.

I think this is an important point here: if I felt she didn't want me to watch porn then we would have serious problems. I'm sure this sentence will gain me some hate, but I remember saying at the beginning of the relationship something along the lines of "I could never be with any woman that would ban me from porn" and she agreed, so if she changed her mind it would have been misleading. It's not that i'm a porn addict, but that a woman who believes porn is wrong is not a woman I would get along with. I'd also like to mention that I visit some very popular student forums and on the topic of womens opinions on their boyfriends porn, there was a overwhelming amount of women that said they didn't care about it. I felt the need to mention this because I have a feeling that this is something new to my generation and would not meet the approval of the likely 'Mental Health Forum' crowd.

That said, I would do anything for my girlfriend and I have already sacrificed things for her. I'm not as selfish as I seem to have been labelled.

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I think most people on this forum are british.

I agree with Orange Lamp, your girlfriend does seem to be unhappy and going to her GP would be a good first step. maybe there is also some sort of therapy you could attend together to help you to understand each other. you obviously have two different personality types and even tho things were obviously good for a while sometimes two people do need a bit of help.

like michael says i don't think your girlfriend is actually doing anything wrong. I wouldnt quite like to say you are doing anything wrong either but its obviously not right for your girlfriend. everyone wants a partner they can 'be themselves' with but sometimes you have to compromise and be able to let things go for the sake of the person you love. I'm not saying give up porn, i'm not saying you are the only person who needs to change, thats really something to decide together with the help of a therapist if you have one. but when one person is unhappy as your girlfriend changes do have to me made

I agree lots of people have a banter type relationship where they insult each other. I think its usually more a friendship thing but in theory its not wrong in a relationship. but the important thing about banter is it is a 2 way thing. if 2 people are doing it then it can be very funny but the words used are hurtful if you take them literally. taking banter literally isnt a bad thing, everyone is different but when someone tries to banter with someone who isnt bantering back it kind of stops being banter. I wouldnt quite like to call it bullying, you say there is no harm intended but it can cause the same emotional effects as bullying.

I would gladly go to therapy with her if it would help. Right now we're looking at finishing our degrees and getting jobs before paying for therapy.

I don't think my girlfriend is doing anything wrong, but then I don't think i'm really doing anything wrong either. I think we both have problems that exacerbate the situation, but hers are more unexplained than mine. She would tell you this and if you heard what she had to say I feel you would agree. I know it may look as though I want to put the blame on somebody else, but I promise you that this is not what I do. She has some very deep problems with women, in terms of society, motherhood, sexuality. It is too big to truly explain here. She gets upset without my help, believe me.

I should clear up a misconception, we definitely are happy. We live together and we spend almost all day and night together, we even go to the gym together. It's honestly like how brothers and sisters are brought up, like they're ALWAYS in the same room together and even when they leave the house. It's the same here. We're extremely close and we're happy almost all of the time, but sometimes there are those horrible downs, and as we've both been depressed, wow can they be down. She keeps informing me that her problems have been getting better and it seems to be true, but I think they need to be tackled to go away.

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you have been very courageous and honest in posting

among your parents and their friends, making insulting comments as a sign of affection may have been the norm, but it certainly isn't among the majority of people in the UK. it is, as you have found out, deeply hurtful and damaging to self-respect. 45 years ago my wife was once told by her mother that she looked like a turnip. Frequently I tell my beautiful wife that she is the most beautiful woman in the world. if you ask her today to describe herself she will give you one word - turnip. that is what you have done for your girlfriend I'm afraid. you are going to have to put a very great deal of work into rebuilding her self-esteem

Finally - read and re-read Canadian Mike's response. You have some key decisions to make. how much do you love this woman? enough to destory your porn? enough to learn to be excited by what she finds exciting? enough to spend the next 20 years working to repair her damaged self-esteem? I hope that you do.

Oh, by the way, crying when you see a rape scene is normal - rape is very bad for people. I was raped multiple times when I was a child and I can tell you it is destructive. You are supposed to cry when anyone is raped.

Thankyou for your constructive comments and the compliment.

Although I disagree that banter isn't normal (see an earlier post of mine) I do agree with what you say about the turnip incident. I think it's a brilliant anecdote and I'e already mentioned how I've unintentionally drawn her attention to flaws. I will honestly try to rectify this and i've spent a lot of today complimenting her at appropriate intervals.

My parents banter me so much that they actually put me down and they do it too seriously. I will never forget how they've treated me (though it's been interspersed with niceness) but it's a whole other level to what i'm like with my girlfriend. I wish I could prove this, but it just is. Now I know some pseudo-psychologists out there would assume that because my parents have been overly tough with banter that I reflect this onto my girlfriend; I sincerely doubt it and I believe i'm smart enough to notice, as is my girlfriend.

In fact, I can't bring myself to show too much emotion to my parents and it's so sad for me to say but I can't ever imagine telling them I love them (which I obviously do), but it's different with other people. I can be so open and I can say 'gay things' to my dearly beloved without thinking twice.

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Oh, by the way, crying when you see a rape scene is normal - rape is very bad for people. I was raped multiple times when I was a child and I can tell you it is destructive. You are supposed to cry when anyone is raped.

I think that is why I felt upset about what you wrote. I haven't been raped but it is upsetting to think about.

crying when someone is being raped on a tv program would be normal to someone who has been raped , but if you havent been in that situation you would just feel disgusted or sad for them , i was also raped multiple times as a child , just from reading some of things he has said in his post leads me to believe there is something deeper in his girlfriend that she hasnt told him about and doesnt want him to know , if not then fine but if something has happened then he needs to be very careful and not push her

I cry over things that havent happened to me, like films where 2 people are in a relationship and one dies, thats totally outside my experience but still very very sad.

it might just mean shes a very empathic person or maybe she knows or used to know someone who was raped. I dont think its a bad thing in itself, it depends how deep her distress is. but vanille 13s gf doesnt sound very happy to me

thank you both for your sensible posts. thinking about what you have said, my wife does not respond by crying about such things on TV shows although she does find it sad, whereas I do cry and flashback. so you are right, that colours my understanding - thank you.

Before I reply to these posts I will say that I find rape a horrible act. I mean this is obvious and I shouldn't really have to explain that, but just in case you take me for a casual rapist I must dispel these thoughts. I would never be friends with anybody that has committed rape (unless punished and deeply in regret) and I believe that they are only one level above paedophiles, though in the same branch. I'm not into any remotely rape porn (I find it a turn off) or even any bondage. I do however enjoy rough sex or mild PLAY rape because my girlfriend likes it. You'll never catch me watching porn with any actress who clearly doesn't want to be there, or is genuinely pretending to be raped. It's just something I don't like.

I must agree entirely with Mike. It may be common for people here on a mental health forum to cry when they see rape, but in my opinion for most people it is not the case. Again I have to reference my generation, because I feel it has importance, but growing up I was always exposed to things such as rape in movies etc and thus I feel somewhat desensitised to it. My girlfriend is an empathetic person and i've seen genuine sadness from her because of things such as animal cruelty (which moves me too actually) but I don't think her real dear of rape is by any means normal. Her feminism views are a catalyst to her feelings about rape, but I beleive it's deeper than that. It's probably her biggest fear ever (I mentioned it's also her fantasy) and anything remotely about rape automatically piques her interest. I've never seen anybody so sad when they've read news reports about rape, or seen it in movies. I believe it's all linked into her unsolved problems. She is also not a squeamish or 'soft' girl. She loves fighting and loves movies and games filled with death. Something is just not quite right.

I gather from this array of posts that people think that I feel rape should be brushed off the shoulder, which is entirely incorrect, but it should not bring you to tears when reading a book.

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Vanille13,

I read your initial post, as well as the responses. What I take from your post is that you felt that life had improved for your girlfriend, in terms of her living habits, but you have discovered that some of your sexual interests & activities aren't as cool with her as you thought, and she expressed, they were. If I'm correct in my understanding, I don't really see where the problem lies with your girlfriend.

From what I've read, I think that you have a difficult choice to make; her or your preferred lifestyle. Let's face facts, you're both young and will go through many individual changes over the next decade+. Perhaps, you need to seek out your sexual fantasies and, providing no one is harmed by this, I see nothing wrong with that.

One suggestion though; If you really care for and respect your girlfriend you won't drag her through this with you. Does she bottle her thoughts until, suddenly, they flow in a very emotional way? Does she seem insecure, almost waiting for that time when you tell her you've been with someone else? What's more important to you, the girlfriend, or the fantasies of uninhibited sex with today's version of Elizabeth Hurley? You have, no doubt, very strong feelings pulling you both ways. The difference between being a kid and being an adult is not which path you choose, but in how you go about doing so. I think that it took an enormous amount of bravery to make your initial post, moreso, to respond to the negative responses in a non-confrontational way. Kudos for that. But, your girlfriend sounds like a normal young woman, to me.

Hey, honestly, the best of luck with this situation! I made all of the wrong moves when I was your age and never really gave a lot of thought to who I was hurting, until the damage was done. Decades later, I'm re-connecting with many of these women on a social site and some are looking for some form of vindication. Not exactly what I'd planned for my late 40s.

I have saved this post until last because I feel you've nailed it on the head and I have plenty to talk about (this is my 7th post in a row haha).

You are correct in your opening sentence, but I am not trying to put all of the blame on her. I think I have my own contributing problems, which I shall go into shortly, but hers are a bigger mystery and she has simply been messing me around a little with her changes of opinion in relation to sex.

Although I have the attitude of 'I have one life and I can't die without ever having a threesome, as it's been a childhood dream' I also would give up any reasonable sexual demands for her. I really would. There's more to life than sex. I can say goodbye to the idea of ever sleeping with a MILF or attending an orgy (I will NOT do it behind her back), but It's a little bit much to remove all porn from the equation too. If you read an earlier post I mention how it's not that I wouldn't abandon porn for her, but rather the principle of it being banned when at the beginning of the relationship I mentioned I could never go without it. The difference between myself and most men is that I will be honest, and perhaps it's caused some problems. I'm sure many women will find it sad that I couldn't 100% give up porn for life, but i've literally grown up with it and it's unreasonable for me to do so. My girlfriend entered this relationship knowing my attitude and she agreed with me. I should also mention that with my OCPD tendencies I tend to have a desire of perfection in me, so when the idea of scratching out certain 'dreams' of mine (sexual or otherwise) from my life arise, it truly disrupts me and my idea of my life. I try to organise rather perfectly and sometimes I fail because I try to do too many things and never complete anything, but for me to completely write off certain parts of my life, it's just hard. I can write off some aforementioned sexual activities, because there's more to life, but I can't say goodbye to everything. Some days my girlfriend will say to me how she'd love to try a few guys at one time and various things like that, then she can completely change her mind and cry about things. So I will keep things to myself and I will tone down the fantasy stuff, then she just comes back with it all and says how she feels so much better about it, and she'll make suggestions about things we should do. I'm really not pressuring her, she's confusing me a lot and this is one of the reasons I feel the problems lie with her. I'm not the big bad wolf who's trying to make her girlfriend do bad things.

I have my problems and she wants to be there for me, just as I have turned my life upside down a little trying to battle her problems. It may sound noble to say that I should exclude her from my problems, but in reality I think relationships require you to help one another. I will not 'mess her around' whilst I discover myself, if that's what you meant, but to keep things completely away from her is just not what we're about.

Also, sorry to have let you down, but I felt the need to be confrontational to those initial posts as means of defending my argument. It annoys me how some people (even over a forum) want to sum up my life with very ignorant replies of 'Your girlfriend should get as far away from you as possible'.

I commend you on your closing sentence, about contacting people you 'did wrong' previously in life. I hope I have not done so much damage here, but I really have been very kind to her like 90% of the time. I wish you knew this.

Now I hope this next part isn't too irrelevant, but i'll explain a little about why I sometimes find attraction in other women. I grew up with barely any interaction with women, I did not have success until I was like 18, when things completely changed. When I was younger I put women on such a pedestal that I almost worshipped them. I observed the power that they seemed to command and I sort of envied it. I became slightly obsessed with beauty and all things feminine, just because they were so different from me; small things like perfect skin that they 'created' and the sort of glow that can emanate from such well placed make-up. I loved girls who wore lots of accessories and I took note of fashion. Although my tastes in women changed massively, one thing remained the same, and that was my general awe for them. I craved the attention of these women and I was one of those super-nice guys who would do anything until I became a door mat. You know one of those guys where girls say "Oh I want a guy that's just like you, but not you". It took some while to admit it to myself, but when I was maybe 14 or 15 I realised that I wanted the same beauty, sex appeal and power that they had. I was never a feminine person, I would never have dressed up, but during my late teens I would have given anything to be a female. There was just a certain mystery about women, a certain perfection, which became apparent to me when I fist noticed that girls would never go anywhere alone, which gave the illusion of popularity. This is one of the reasons I respect them so much and I adored them. Now gradually since the first time I ever slept with a woman I lost that appeal, and when I first lived with a house full of women (mainly fashion students) I started to lose that sense of mystery I had built around them; I made many female friends and I realsied they're 'not all that', so to speak. When I started dating a lot more I realised that they were not so special and not so much better than myself. Gradually and gradually I raised my standards as to what was attractive and I stopped seeing women as uber-beings. Now I am very comfortable around women and I get along with them, but there's still this slight pedestal at the back of my mind where I adore their beauty so much. Now this isn't unique to women as I can appreciate beauty in many forms, but I realise that when I go out onto the streets I can be captivated by those tanned slightly muscular smooth legs, I can be captivated by perfect skin and hair, not to mention eyes and fashion. Wet-look leggings were probably too much for me to handle when I saw them, along with stockings and I just cannot help myself but look sometimes. When I see such perfection on the internet I must save it, even if I never look at it again. This can be just peoples bodies, normal pictures or adult ones. Sometimes there's just so much perfection in a picture it just blows my mind.

Now this is all relevant because no matter how much I love my girlfriend and how glad I am to be with her, I cannot stop looking at women completely. It's just literally too hard. I spent my entire life doing it and it's just so natural for me. For the first time in my life i'm happy with my current girlfriend and i'm not secretly thinking "Oh I'd rather have this woman on the street instead". I'm actually happy to end up with her and I accept her appearance. I find her the most beautiful person in most places and she can be very sexy, but it doesn't matter who she is, I will always find beauty in others. Now I can control myself by not having so many female avatars on forums, or wallpapers of women, but I cannot control that deep sometimes upsetting feeling I get when I see a most perfect woman. I have told my girlfriend countless times how beautiful I consider her to be and she really does believe me, but she knows that I also find others beautiful. I have explained though that I would reject these beautiful women because they're not her, they don't have her overall perfection. I mean she seriously is amazing in so many ways that I won't find anybody that clicks with me as much as she does. I've also explained that there's beauty in chaos; for example some hair styles might look perfect to me, whilst in reality they're a mess (I never said she was a mess, lol) just because it's 'right' and I've said that she's perfect in that same way, that even if she was designed it still wouldn't be right because it doesn't have her 'flavour' and that she's truly amazing. This seems to do little in the end and she still finds herself crying and I feel terrible for all of it, because I let my big mouth ruin things.

Of course I know there's a lot here that's my fault, but I know what that is and I can work on it. She keeps telling me that she has no problems with everything I just explained. I feel that in time after I stop joking about her very mild flaws that it will strengthen her up.

Just to finish this epic post and life story I should mention that yes I have problems, and they're not so big anymore because i'm understanding them, but they do contribute to our 'mess'. I feel that her problems are a bigger worry right now because they're so destructive to her and although I exacerbate her problems, I did not cause them all. There's something truly wrong with her. I'm not being mean, but she's had a strange-ish childhood and she's spent the last few years not really there because she's been severely depressed, which seems to have all vanished now, so although she's up to speed in some ways, there are after-affects from her depression that has not yet surfaced. This is why I made this post about her and not about me.

Also I'd like to say that before anybody throws it out there that i'm gay; i'm not. I adore women and although I can find men good looking, they're so far from attractive and i'm not even remotely bi-curious. My obsession has been with women, and even if i've wanted to take their place in a movie i've been watching, it has nothing to do with the males themselves. In fact I love women mainly because of the fact that they're so different to men. I think my perception of women has given me a very 'androgynous' mind, which I am grateful for and I do not appear feminine whatsoever. I grew up in fighting sports and I currently lift extreme weights, although I do apparently speak 'posh' which may evoke some opinions in others that i'm gay. Also any male role models I've been drawn to have usually been manly, but I do have a strong feminine side, but it lives only inside of my mind. In short; i'm weird.

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we're all, to a greater or lesser extent, weird vanille! thank you for your extensive and considered replies. you certainly have my respect for your honesty - most people would not be so willing to discuss their strengths and weaknesses so openly. i hope that you folks can work it out.

there may or may not be more to your girlfriend's issues than there appears to be at face value - i guess you'll just have to wait and see if she ever feels comfortable and confident enough to open up.

you also mention that her opinions are volatile and changeable. That is something many of us here will know a great deal about, however that does not mean that she has BPD. The percentage of people in the population with BPD is quite low. People in general change their opinions from time to time and also people wear a mask that shows the things they want to show to the world, or that they think that the world expects them to show. This means that people appear quite changeable depending on the extent to which you are being allowed beneath the mask. People are also subject to the vagaries of their internal biochemistry and especially to the daily, monthly and yearly hormonal cycles, which means that their emotional state changes dramatically from time to time, altering their behaviour and brain chemistry considerably (sorry for the biology lesson - I earn a crust as a professional biologist...) So the fact that she's variable is, in my experience, normal.

and as for your issues - you acknowledge your own weaknesses frankly and that is a good start. in my opinion (for what it is worth) you probably will find, over the next few years, that you have underestimated (at this point in time) their importance and impact. In other words, when you look back to now, you will realise that there was more to fix than you were willing to admit needed fixing.

i'm glad that 90% of the time you are both happy and hope that, with a lot of work, this percentage will increase.

good luck

edited for bad typing - I smashed my right arm a few years ago and type mostly one handed - it knackers the quality of the product!

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