Just Babbling To Myself (Sorry Just Ignore)

[jaynpoppy]

my guard came down an the next minuite im losing it anxiaty going through the roof i was a mess i was terrified panicing like mad absolutly shitting myself utter panic feeling like im losing complete control of everything it was horrible crazy like sheer fear i didnt know what the hell to do all iknow is i was all over the place everytime i let my gaurd down it hits me wham mayby im not gona have the care free life ive always wanted i was feeling so confident an good about everything till it hit me again one minute im great the next chris says hes back an i went crazy? my anxiaty went through the roof i didnt know what to do/ how to ajust or cope i didnt want him home what the fuck happened? mayby i was in a world of my own coz i was happy feeling more confident good about myself then chris says hes coming home an i freaked i didnt know what to do i felt like i couldnt share my feelings like he was a stranger like i could cope with him being there for a couple of hours but to stay was to much id gone from him being here all the time to having a relationship like i have with my mum id detached from him an i was freaking out i dont know what to make of it because it was like id adjusted an then i couldnt talk to him i dont know whos right or wrong my expectations were dashed i expected to much and i saw things in b/w going from one extream to the other expecting a happy friendly grown up from the child that said he was moving out i think sometimes i can live in a false state of reality mayby a mania or hypermania its crazy i really thought chris`s attitude would be different that hed stop taking me for granted that hed turn into this mature respectful son who knew where he stood in my home i just thought everthing was gona be different everything i lost myself in the happyness the false state of security its a dangerous place to be because its not real what do i do now? im scared of being happy because i can lose my way it was like a drugged up state of happiness not real an thats why i couldnt cope when he came back because i didnt know what the hell to do to cope with that person id created in my head i expected to much from both of us from everything i was on a false high like i said a dangerous place to be when youve got ocd, im a poet an i didnt know it :)