A Book?

[EmilyStrange]

I'm not having a good day... my days are never good anymore. Just a never ending story and a nightmare from which I never wake up. But by some cruel joke, I do wake up from the sleeping pill I take each night.. hoping each morning that life will improve - or at the very least that there will be a switch in my brain and my mood will improve. It hasn't happened in 1.5years. I haven't gone 1.5 years without daily tears... as odd as that is.

So NO.. my post isn't about a good day and i'm certainly not bloody recovered, but don't know where else to put it. lol.

I've thought about it for a year or more now... I should write a book someday. I know. Rather vain, you're all thinking. The last thing the world needs is another book on a Borderline, and i'm certainly no celeb. My life has been an interesting one though, with a a few different personas and i'm certainly quirkier than most. No, my life hasn't been interesting in the way of "worldly travel", and no i'm not "professionally accomplished", and no i've never been a hard core drug addict or even experienced people around me dying. However, it's been interesting (I wouldn't say in a good way), and might make a good read. To share details here would be to identifying to share on the internet.

I felt like bouncing the idea here, as the person that matter the most to me who I used to bounce ideas off of and share everything with is gone (for the better) and there's no one left to talk to at all. (Not even my own family.. and I certainly can't tell them about this. Even he urged me to write the book, despite his other scathing remarks.

I'm not famous, so I couldn't write it as a biography. I'm wondering which perspective to write it from.. I suspect it would garner more attention from another persona, than from someone with BPD. I'm not much of a writer, my grammar is often shit, my motivation is often low, i'm an atrocious procrastinator.

I would write a little about my childhood background, how things started out normal. I would write about the bad things that happened that I think contributed to my developing BPD. I would talk a lot about my 9 lives.. lol I would talk about all the stupid and weird things I have done. I would not use my real name!

In order to write this book though, I would actually need to pull through. Crawl out of debt, move, become happy, maybe meet mr. right (that's a BIG maybe, because "mr. right" is usually "mr. catastrophic" for me!). I would need to live.... survive my 35th, and 36th birthdays.

[AppleCrumble]

I think it's a brilliant idea!! I had the same thought myself, and I've started writing. It's amazing how many interesting experiences and stories we each could tell, and I think it would be really beneficial to the rest of us on here, and other people with bpd to see how it affects others. There really aren't that many bpd books out there, there are lots of abuse ones that go into detail about that, but not many about living with bpd day to day, reflections on that, as well as the history about what probably brought you to the point of getting bpd.

Even if there isn't a happy ending just yet, you could start writing and see where it takes you? A lot of people say that through writing they recover from trauma, losing a child, forgiving abusers etc... I know bpd/an illness is obviously a different matter, but you might find it does help you a little bit.

Maybe just set aside a little time each day for doing some writing? There is someone I know who is trying to get into publishing, she has published a book herself (about the loss of her daughter in a car crash) and she's working on publishing someone elses book now (on alcoholism and recovery)... once you've written a draft get in touch and I can get you in touch with her if you like? She started small, selling to local book shops and now on Amazon, and now she might be getting her books stocked in a UK-wide bookshop which is pretty exciting.

I'm put my order in now for a copy of your book :-)

xxxx

[EmilyStrange]

Thanks for the support and offer Apple I will definitely take you up on that!

I need a reason to live.. because there seemingly is none right now. I think this will be therapeutic, but I do hope to be heard.

The more I think about it, the more I am onto something. There are many books on BPD... and a few books have surfaced on the other topic that will come up in my book.. but none told from my perspective, and my niche! To clarify, it would only be half about my battle with BPD. I haven't yet decided if my marketing hook (title, description, etc.) would be from the angle of BPD, or another topic or two. I'm not sure which would be more inclined to be more curious about or what to read. It will have scandal.. lol people like that. I am however, a person with integrity and will not be embellishing the truth.

Like most BPDs, it's not even the money that I would be doing this for... (though it wouldn't hurt) it would be about validation and recognition. Maybe a small part of me wants to get back at all the people who been so horrible to me, though I certainly wouldn't be using any real names, nor would I pen it under my own name. I would be horrified to have my parents read it, and wouldn't give my smug sister the satisfaction!

Now I need to set daily/weekly targets, and figure out chapters/sections - with a beginning, middle, and end.... of course it may be some time before I can write an end. The book needs to be at least 300 pages to be viable. I have a few old journals at my parents house (scares me to think that I left them there all these years, because my mum is nosy and i'm sure she has read them - as I know she did once when I was 18!) that I should go through.

[Lily-Bee]

I think in essence its a great idea and I believe that our gut can tell us things we sort of need to do.

It worries me you would do it for validation, anything that's public also comes with shitloads of critisism and I think more inner peace can be found by looking within then outside for others to validate you.

Maybe its a good thing to keep in mind while you work on yourself,the book idea. You also seem unsure right now about for instance what form to put it into,I think in time the answers will naturally come to you,I would say don't force anything.

And I would suggest starting to write now,call it practice,start a diary, write a little every day for yourself to practice. Good writing I believe comes from doing it loads(besides talent).

[pepsimeg]

You could write a bookand never publish it.

I did once because tbh i didnt write it to become famous i wrote it for me and for me only.

I typed it up....in the old dys of typewriters lol

i hid it in a deep dark cupboard for years and when i was ready

i got rid of it a few years later....had a ceromony and burned it.

You could go on and actually get it publishes if u want.

I think its a good.idea whatever u decide to do with it when its finished.

Good luck

emogirl xx

[EmilyStrange]

I talked about the book with my counsellor and he thinks it's an excellent idea (though it's not their job to discourage such notions!). There are many reasons why the world scorns me...beyond the fact that I am a Borderlion. I'm not the most conventional person, and my lifestyle has always been reflective of this. My lifestyle in general has always been met with criticism, and it wouldn't come as a surprise if the book was.. however, it is important to me that people read it. I think they will. I don't necessarily need or ask people to like me, but perhaps to understand me and the choices i've made. If someone can be a little less judgemental and gain insight as a result of reading my book then that would be awesome.

I couldn't imagine writing a book and then burning it! Wow!

yea, I will for sure want to publish it.

I'm going to adapt that saying about trees falling: "If a person farts and there's no one there to hear it....." hehe

[Orpyz]

Hey EmilyStrange - I think you should do it! And I don't think you should worry in advance about the perspective or form or anything like that. Procrastination is the biggest block to writing. Just write and then edit afterwards - you are not going to just write a book from start to finish and have a finished product - you know it doesn't work like that. Also, remember that you can self-publish on kindle etc really easily nowadays!!! I am also sitting on the idea of writing a book, just can't get myself motivated so I would say go for it girl!! I have read just about every book there is on my kindle about bpd. Most of them are complete rubbish. Write it. Don't worry about your spelling or grammar, someone will check those for you! Go for it girl!

[AppleCrumble]

I think yeah, writing a book, non-bpds might criticise it, just like people were of Elizabeth Wurtzel's 'selfish nature', but from a depressives point of view, every word she wrote rang true for me, and I found it a great/enormous comfort. I was going to write a book called 'My disordered mind' and mention personality disorders... as technically mine is complex mixed personality... but yeah, without having the 'bpd' I think most people would be interested in 'personality disorders'... I think book sizes are around the 70,000 word mark from what I remember looking up a while ago. If I have remembered correctly... so a lot of writing. I have one diary from when I was 13 which I was going to add, and then also copies of bits from blogs and posts on here, I was going to put in etc... and then alter it so it all flows together. with some reflection etc.... xxxx

[delusionaldolly]

I'm a freelance writer, and had thought about writing a book, but like you wasnt sure if that was a great idea as I wasnt sure anyone would want to read about my woes!! I write poetry all the time about the state of my head. Creativity is one of the brilliant off shoots of my cluttered brain! Maybe we could put a book together between us? Everyone write a bit about their lives with PD? It could be anonymous...what do you guys think?

Dolly xx

[AppleCrumble]

Excellent idea Dolly!! :-) xxx

[delusionaldolly]

And on the subject of book lengths, a friend of mine publishes books through a company who only require you to have 80 pages of text and images....I'd love to do a book with u guys....who,s up for it??? Dolly xx

[delusionaldolly]

Anyone up for a joint book then? I have tons of ideas and a way of publishing it....inbox me if you are up for it, I have ideas on how to keep it anonymous too if that's holding anyone back...

Dolly xx