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Letting Go And Moving On


Endoftheroad

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Finally started my CBT programme today, the first of 20 sessions I hope will turn my life around. Might be a bit late in so many respects (see the Unemployed, unemployable thread in the Crisis forum), but it's a start. It's taken 9 years from initial diagnosis, and 15 months since I was made aware of the dx to get to this point. My advice to anyone recently dxed is to not be fobbed off; in this game you got to fight hard to get anywhere. Shouldn't be like that of course, but that's been my experience.

However, I have complete faith in my psychotherapist, which is such a relief. I've moved around a hell of a lot in my life, and after a while you get so tired of telling different people the same old things again and again; all that does is dredges up memories that have been suppressed for a reason, with no way to deal with them - and that's what I've been crying out for since I was 16 years old, ways to cope. Understanding BPD has really helped me understand why I am like I am; now it's time to change the behaviour patterns of a lifetime. It's like being a kid again, although people who know me would say I never stopped being a kid, and emotionally speaking they'd be right.

So in the course of the first session we kicked around the remnants of my doomed love for my now ex fiancée, with whom I'm still so desperately besotted. She won't make any contact with me, calls, emails, texts, nothing, not even on my birthday, but she did contact my doc the day before my birthday, twice. She made it clear she wanted a complete break, which at first I misconstrued, hoping against hope he meant a temporary distance, but on further probing (I admit I pushed hard for info, coming back to their conversation several times) he admitted it was final and she wants nothing to do with me. A week ago I would have fallen apart, but acceptance is setting in now. As I said to him, it's so hard to mourn for someone who is alive and well and has clearly moved on herself. I told him I keep checking her FB public page for signs, which I know is unhealthy and just feeds my torment; in expressing that I know it has to stop. He set me the exercise of keeping an emotional diary, things that make me feel and what the thought process is.

Haven't had a chance to put this into practice yet though as I'm having one hell of a busy day! First I drove to Welwyn Garden City to sell my car, which was letting go in itself. You see I bought a 7 seater in January, soon after I moved in with Natalie in Newport. Between us we have 5 kids; now of course I have no need for such a large car, so I downsized. It represents her, has a Newport showroom on the plates and everything about it reminded me of what I've lost on a daily basis. Now it's gone. I sold it to a lovely Polish couple, which helped ease the pain. I thought I'd get upset, but I didn't. Instead I went straight to Harrow and bought a Peugeot 307! Nowhere near as nice a drive (it's a bit clapped out), but it'll get me from A to B - I hope!

And tonight I'm starting to volunteer with a local hospital radio station. I need to be active to stop me dwelling on things I can't change, otherwise I'll just shut myself away and drink out of pure boredom. At least I've avoided going back to drugs this go round, which is real growth for me - been clean 9 months now :)

Tomorrow night I'm doing yoga and meditation for the first time (when I told my 9 year old about this, she said "What? The little green man out of Star Wars?" roflmao!) and also have a meeting with the job centre about how to approach applications when I've got a conviction for common assault (which is killing my chances stone dead, although 3 months off sick last year due to BPD hardly helps), and on Sunday I'm going to a BPD support group in London. Haven't been this busy since I arranged so many things over Christmas to spoil Natalie - just self edited a bit of mild malice there, another sign of letting go. I'll always love her, and leave it at that. If she changes her mind she knows where to find me. But she won't. Hope died on my birthday, but that's not to say all hope. I feel strangely optimistic about having a future now. It's going to take hard work and self analysis, but it has to be done. It's my last chance of finding happiness. And that's all I've ever wanted. I have found it on occasion, but always pressed the self destruct, couldn't help myself. Enough now. Time to move on.

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So many things to look forward to. :) You absolutely did the right thing with the car, emotionally and financially. You will move on, it just happens and like you said you are making it happen. :) x

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Hey, seems like you pointed some very encouraging things there! Congratulation for the positive mind. :)

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Thanks guys, recommend meditation, really enjoyed it tonight. Levitated and saw myself getting married on a beach! I can but dream ;)

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