Don't Know If I Am Used To It Or Have Gotten Over It.

[steelflex]

Over the last few months I have been in a constant battle with my thoughts. I have always thought bad things would happen to me and I had also started seeing things. I am not sure where I am trying to go with this so do please bear with me on this.

I had always had this feeling that something bad would happen to me. I had always thought I would die in a horrible way. It became so intense I began to hallucinate those things actually happening. At one stage I thought I was going to be shot in the head with an arrow and I do know how ridiculous that does sound but the thought did never leave my mind and it is still there as well as the others but not as intense as they once were. I came here and vented my anger and my confusion and it did help me in a small way but I was never sure if I got over it in the end. I am not financially secure enough to seek psychological assistance at the moment and nor do I think I will ever be able to tell another person of this because my OCD holds me back in so many ways. I can't figure out why it is easier for me to say it here and not to another person as in face to face but that seems to be the way it is. I did my best to ignore my thoughts but I would end up listening to them. I can't help but be away from people as in emotionally and physically when all I want to do is be close. People see me as someone without empathy or just not being able to care for another person from friends to family. Recently I was given a chance to live up to someones expectations and show them I could be more then what people say I am but in the end and no matter how much I wanted all I did was show them that everything that people say is true. Not one of my friends knows a single thing about me and at time they ask questions about my past and present and I still say nothing even though sometimes I really want to say more. I just don't seem to care about a lot of things and people seem to find that odd and I don't know if I am trying conform to their ways because I am a bit of outsider or am genuinely bothered by what they think.

I am not sure if I touched ground on all aspects of this topic and I do apologize as I am finding it difficult to say everything. I am really trying to figure out if my OCD is holding me back from being able to open up someone as in someone I know and see on a regular basis, is it holding me back from being in relationship with someone or do I just not care abut this sort of stuff.

Do not be afraid to ask me anything and I will do my best to answer it as best I can.

[Threemoons]

Hi Steelflex. I hope writing things helps you a little. You seem to very struggle to open up. What sort of OCD do you have?

[steelflex]

The type I have is Rumination/Intrusive thoughts.