Been Doing Some Self Help During My Insomnia- Thought I'd Share Some

[ArtMatters]

As many of you know I've had a rough couple years as physical illness has now on set on top of my mental health issues {bpd}

anyways part of the physical health stuff is insomnia so during the extra hours of wakefulness I've been doing my own research and self help

I wanted to share a bit of the progress I've been making

1. I realized that I had to be really honest in a scary brutal way with myself the other day and take an open honest look at my CURRENT important relationships and try to understand the dynamic. What I noticed is I carried on a lot of the unhealthy patterns from my parents emotional abusive history into even a lot of my friendships. I tend to take the passive role in friendships and will walk on eggshells around some of them not properly expressing it when I feel disrespected or less than equal than them because this is the pattern I've learned. I've realized that in order to get past this problem I'm going to have to work hard at learning to respect myself the way I wish others would so that they don't feel they get an excuse to treat me poorly just because I do/allow it

2. That led me to do some research around relationships and attachment styles and I found a really good site so I thought I'd share it with you. It's a local site for us here in Canada but since it's on the interwebs I'm sure you could find it and make use of it as well www.drdate.com -- so you can check that out if you want and go to the advice section to get a bit more insight into ourselves=, our behaviours/patterns etc so that we can continue our recovery and work on changing these harmful self destructive patterns....so we can seek the kind of healthy love and relationships we truly need/want/deserve

-- I know at first it can seem really daunting and scary and it's almost easier to not know because then it's like... can I really change this?...but I want you all to remember how strong we already are and the good fight we've already been putting in just to experience any kind of happiness that others may take for granted........we can do this. We can prioritize ourselves=, our lives=, our talents=, our gifts...and because we've been through this good fight too we'll get there with a lil extra compassion and empathy in our pockets

3. I've realized that although I wish to release judgement both real and perceived from having such a negative impact on my life - but that's easier said than done. I have to keep reminding myself of a time when I didn't care so much what people thought. I keep remembering myself at my prime in college when I had probably my most self confidence because I had just discovered my artistic talents and was regaining passion for life. My relationship with myself and my art at that time in my life was most important.

So when I'm feeling particularly self critical or judged by others I try to channel that girl...the one who didn't take things so personally- the one who had confidence in herself. ..

0Although I realize now that even that confidence was based on superficiality and the praise of others=, the feeling of acceptance that I craved and it was more to do with these external appreciations than for the value I brought to myself and my life. So I think the next step is to not only work on letting go of the judgements but acknowledging the real parts of my life that line up with my values and beliefs and bring the kind of less superficial sense of achievement... i.e. I value honesty so now by being honest and authentic even though it's scary because it's not typically socially encouraged it is important to me and my personal self worth + it helps me let go of the percieved judgements of others because if they are gonna judge me anyways might as well do it for what I am than what I'm not - at least that way I feel honest and authentic and even if the judgement takes place I can let it go because I know I held true to my own beliefs and that inner truth outweighs the discomfort of the initial honesty

4. I wanted to share a recent example of how we tend to focus on the negaitve instead of the positive. The other day I was at the clinic and I was talking to an older man who also had health and mental health issues. We had a really open honest conversation and he told me he was proud of me for managing all that I do with so little medication and support. It felt so nice to get that validation/acknowledgement-- I was so happy and for the rest of the day I walked much taller with a smile on my face. But later that week I had an incident with my friend where I felt really disrespected and then a couple other incidents of ableism or little dismissive or hurtful comments people will make when they dont understand my physical or mental illness. I totally let those voices=, thoughts=, etc over rule any of that confidence=,pride/self worth that the man had helped me uncover.... I let those few negative people because of their percieved positions of authority in my head out weigh all the encouragement and support of the ones who are there only to nurture and support and I let that become my internal dialogue. I had a choice I could have focused on the positive of all the people who are impressed with me or how I cope-- but the negative ones are easier to focus on because those are the ones we were taught at a young age to believe-- and then when it comes externally from important people in our lives it becomes even harder to not believe....so I think it will take concious repetaitve efforts to bring our minds back to the positive internal and external dialogues instead of the negative=, overly critical ones........and what I'm realizing is that it might be especially hard because perhaps we've as mentioned previously attracted some people with similar patterns/behaviours to our parents where those things will get externally reinforced again and thus keep us in this vicous cycle of being victims or feeling that way as if no one likes or appreciates us....but it's partially cuz` we are blind to those who do=, beause they probably play a smaller part in our lives because we have not yet found ways to nurture those healthy types or relationships

this has given me a lot to think about moving forward and choosing new people in my life and re-evaluating the places of the old ones

anyways I've been typing too much and now i'm tired and running out of energy but I hope maybe some of those things will also help you guys on your journey to self discovery/healing

*hugs* to all your zazzy awesome selves and sending love and light your way

[Lily-Bee]

I relate in a big way to this;

I tend to take the passive role in friendships and will walk on eggshells around some of them not properly expressing it when I feel disrespected or less than equal than them because this is the pattern I've learned. I've realized that in order to get past this problem I'm going to have to work hard at learning to respect myself the way I wish others would so that they don't feel they get an excuse to treat me poorly just because I do/allow it.

I wonder do you have any ideas about how to concretely learn to respect, even love yourself?

[Elke]

Its a question I´ve been asking myself lately also. Why dont I and how can I learn to defend myself against hurtful, disrespectful remarks?

I interpret that the positive things the man in the hospital said to you didnt "stick" because he was a short acquaintance, whereas you speak about others as "friends" and we have a longer relationship with them - ergo what they say, etc. effects us more.

I met a girl in hospital who also let about everyone walk all over her. But she learned to not take any more verbal abuse. She started a new job in a large company and talked back. She said "I wont allow you to treat me like that!" and they stopped.

You cant walk on eggshells though, I realize you need to "feel" a certain amount of anger to talk back and let people know (in a proper way) that you will not take this kind of treatment.

Elke

[ArtMatters]

Lily that's a really good question but I'm not sure I have an answer to it just yet