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Attachment To 'special People'


heartofglass

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It's kind of hard to explain but I find myself drawn to certain people with certain personality traits (one at a time usually) and I sort of fixate on them and follow them around like a puppy. I want them to make decisions for me, to comfort me and protect me but it causes me a lot of pain. Recently, I ended up with two special people (I think because the one who is /really, really/ special I could sense wasn't reliable so I tried to jump ship for someone who would be more stable) but somehow I accidnetally introduced them and they actually fell for one another romantically. It really hit me at a low point, just started taking medication for depression again after a year and I was suicidal for a week. I self harm because these people cannot/ will not give me what I need and I just feel really alone with it all.Also, it has caused me problems in my marriage because previously I mistook these feelings for romantic ones and my husband found out. I would be so grateful to talk to somebody who understands. x

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Welcome heart :) you have found a great site here with lovely, supportive people. It sounds like you need other people to tell you that you are ok, you need validation and you like other people to make your decisions for you either because you don't trust your own judgement plus the responsibility isn't yours. I don't mean this rudely but I have been where you are.... My whole life I wasn't allowed to make decisions, I have been controlled and over powered but you can do this yourself. Hugs xxx

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Thank you, Angel. I spoke to the nurse a little about it today (which I didn't think I would be able to do) and she gave me some number to call for 'self referral'. I don't know what to do though. It's embarrassing and I always feel like I'm being stupid and over reacting.

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Hi I just wanted to reply to say that I have read this message and really want to reply properly.. I'm just getting ready for work but plan to reply to this properly over the weekend. I can relate a lot.. With the attachment thing. I have had horrendous attachment experiences. Anyway take care and I'll reply properly soon Jenny x

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Hi

I can really relate to feeling attached to special/certain people. For me I get attached to the 'older woman' who I perceive as nurturing. It doesn't happen with every nurturing woman, but just some. In some way I think it happens to those who actually are NOT available to me.. so with counsellors or friends who are so busy they let me down. In a sense this recreates things for me from my childhood, so although it's not a conscious decision, I end up with people who let me down.. who cannot give me what I want or need. I too wish they would take decisions for me. I wish they'd hold me and basically look after me. It's very 'primal' as in it comes from a very early age within me.

I've had horrific attachment issues which have led me to lie to people (one counsellor in particular). It's not an excuse but the lengths I went to to get this woman to care about me were horrific and finally really showed me just how deep my attachment issues are. As a consequence I found a psychodynamic therapist who works with attachment. It's been 18 months of me seeing her and it's very, very painful as of course I'm attached to her now. But I've been able to talk to her about my attachment to her. She doesn't run from it.. she stays boundaried (which hurts but is good for me) and we talk about how it feels, we try to work out together where it came from in my childhood... it's a long painful process but slowly I'm understanding more and hopefully the theory is that one day I'll work through my attachment with her and feel less attached having worked through it all. I'm still not sure about that last bit but I can definitely see progress in my thinking/feeling/behaviours to date.

So I guess what I'm saying is that I wonder if you have any sort of help in the form of counselling? If not then it might be good to look for a therapist that works with attachment... where I went wrong in the past was to go to counsellors that didn't get it.. one got scared when I told her I felt attached and told me basically not to be! She ended up dumping me mid therapy and it really didn't help my attachment/abandonment issues. I think it's useful to find someone who really can understand and work with attachment.. and not get scared. After all attachment is normal in life.. everyone needs attachments. But it's good to see a therapist that understands also that in therapy it CAN be that a client does get attached.. sometimes overly attached but that is quite ok, and can actually help the therapeutic relationship in the long run.

Sorry this is long but I do hope you are ok and feeling less suicidal now.

Jenny xx

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I did once get a very strong attraction/attachment to a professor I had who I thought would make my world rock if only we could be close. Um....deluded thinking and of course nothing ever happened beyond my head, although I did give her a gift of a poetry book once.

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Jenny, I'm so sorry to hear that your former counsellor reacted so badly :( I can scarcely imagine how that must have felt. I've never told any of my people just how important they are for fear of scaring them away. Unfortunately, I'm not in a financial position to pick anybody out for myself and am reliant on this NHS 'self referral' scheme. Middle of next month a consellor will phone me and talk for 30-40 minutes but that's as much as I know. I am wary as two years ago I was referred for CBT and I got dumped too with the explaination "I can't help you" and my doctor was as confused as me but he never followed it up. The nurse practitioner who told me to call the self referral people told me I was being "deceitful" not telling my husband about my special people which made me feel terrible but I can't tell him. For the first time, I've actually consciously sought out a special person. I've been racking my brains to think of somewhere I could find someone and eventually I remembered someone who reminds me of my special person who I've all but lost so I got back in touch with him. I feel bad about it, like I'm purposefully trapping him in some way. I'm glad you found someone who is able to keep to the neccesary boundaries (although I bet it's frustrating for you!) and I hope eventually we will both be able to form healthier attachments xxxxxxxxxxx

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