Self Compassion...

[Lily-Bee]

I would like to use this thread to help us learn self compassion by talking about something we feel we did wrong or are ashamed of etc.

Example;

Issue; I should've applied for a new passport already, I always leave things its so irresponsible and immature.

Compassion; Well it is hard for me to go out, I look to the scared child in me and understand and feel compassion for her. I am not a bad person I am struggling.

Next step; Next week I will go on such and such day at such and such time, I shall make use of such and such tools Ive learned in therapy.

I am more then willing to help peeps that find it hard to do step 2 and 3. This is a simple example it can obviously be more complicated for instance if you've done something you cant take back.

Lily

[Kara.]

this is a great idea Lily-Bee. I think that compassion is crucial if we are to recover.

My story:

I hurt someone that is very important for me.

Compassion: i was scared and couldn't communicate it in any other way as fear took over me. This is no t my fault though i am sorry that i hurt that person. I will also try to communicate in a more constructive time next time.

[Kara.]

I feel like my bones are made of shit. I absolutely hate myself.

Compassion: You are a gorgeous little child and all that was said and done in the past is not true and certainly not your fault. Come and rest in my arms dear little child.

[artemis84]

I love your idea Lily- Bee. Self compassion is something I really struggle with and instead I berate myself many times every day. For an example from today:

Issue: This morning I was 30 mins late for work for the second time this week. I turned off my alarm and went back to sleep without even realising. I am useless and everyone at work will see that now. Once in a week is perhaps forgivable but twice is just useless and proves I'm crap.

Compassion: ... ??? I have had a busy couple of days... still not an excuse though... better people can have a busy and stressful life and still make it to work on time every day!! Argh, see - this is where the self-punishment wins every time!! Any help much appreciated.

[Kara.]

Issue: I am useless and everyone at work will see that now. Once in a week is perhaps forgivable but twice is just useless and proves I'm crap.

Compassion: I have this tendency to create situations that might make people think what i think of myself, that i am crap, useless and unreliable. This is because i find it difficult to see myself in a more positive light and also that others see me in a more positive light.

Compassion: I hate my job and i need to express this emotion in any kind of way. This is because i find it difficult to regulate my emotions and to be patient until i find another job.

Compassion: I find having responsibilities overwhelming. I mostly feel like a child and want to be taken care of until i feel ready to take adults' responsibilities.

All this is due to my BPD difficulties but recognizing this might help me working on it.

Any other ideas artemis that may be what really happens to you?

[artemis84]

Thanks for your thoughts karaindrou. You got me thinking. I actually quite enjoy my job and I know that I need it to keep functioning - days where I'm not at work are really hard to bear as it leaves me alone with my mind. However, right now I am having increasing difficulties in dealing with the responsibility it brings - with the responsibilities of life on the whole actually. Even before I read your post I was thinking how much I just want someone to come and take care of me right now, it is such hard work trying to balance my bpd with everything else. So - you hit the nail right on the head with this option:

Compassion: I find having responsibilities overwhelming. I mostly feel like a child and want to be taken care of until i feel ready to take adults' responsibilities.

All this is due to my BPD difficulties but recognizing this might help me working on it.

You might also be right with the idea of giving other people reasons to think of me as I think of myself - this is something I haven't considered before but it may in fact be true without me realising it.

I think also, sleep is my way of escaping difficult feelings and situations and is a coping strategy I have developed. Therefore it's not surprising that I resorted to it when I'm feeling how I am at the moment.

The self-critical, punishing side of me still tells me BPD is not an excuse for such pathetic behaviour but if it was anyone else writing this I would believe the compassionate explanations 100%. I just find it so hard to be kind to myself.

[Saharah Blue]

For me self compassion usually starts with self care.

Myself Care Today

Bubble bath

Wax & moisturize

Make up

Wearing new clothes

When I can start the day off like this, not rushed or demanding, I am more likely to be loving towards myself throughout the day.

[ArtMatters]

issue: unemployed, broke, feel useless/worthless, feel like I should be accomplishing more, feel guilty that I'm not more independent, feel stuck, feel unappreciated/unwanted/unloved, can't stop worrying about everything/having a hard time focusing on positives, feel like I don't matter & nothing I do matters including my art even though I love it

compassion: trying I guess (I keep saying that to myself but it doesn't really make me feel better lol) and I tend to be hard on myself (others tell me this often and I agree).....I am struggling to find self worth but I am going to keep working on it and I have reached out for support already so I guess that's a start

[Lily-Bee]

Hi artmatters, can you try to talk to yourself like you would to someone that you care a lot about?

Or you could imagine what a dear friend would say to you about all this?

I also find that what helps me is make note of the little things I do like say make a phonecall to arrange something.

Big things consist of loads of little things so if you can do little things and praise yourself for them....youll be setting a positive cycle in motion.

[ArtMatters]

well I can tell you what my social worker said but I'm still working on it..

my social worker said basically: I have been working really hard and he's proud of me, that I'm not giving myself enough credit for my consitant efforts in spite of difficult situations, he said that I'm in classes now which is a positive step and that I come to group on tuesdays and he thinks I'm a positive influence on the other women, and that I've been working on managing my health and working with them to start sorting my financial situation

it doesn't feel like enough to me but I know that I'm being too hard on myself....also I guess I've gotten used to my parents diminishing what I think are accomplishments so over time I learned to get less excited/feel less impressed with myself over time regardless of how others deemed the accomplishment...my insides always say it's not good enough

[Kara.]

You might also be right with the idea of giving other people reasons to think of me as I think of myself - this is something I haven't considered before but it may in fact be true without me realising it.

This is a big pattern of mine. It happens unconsciously. I know that self loathing and boycotting has started being acted out when i start getting late to work, when little accidents happen, such as cutting or burning when cooking, when i feel angry at my colleagues for not good enough reason...

hugs

[Kitsune]

Issue- I'm tired, I feel depressed, I don't know what to do. There's so much I need to do like book a hotel, send emails, sort out money, so many things that need doing and I'm just avoiding them and not doing anything. I'm being lazy and I can't even be bothered with myself right now. I have work later and don't feel like it, I'm worried I won't put in as much effort as I should do. I'm such a lazy loser and I'm avoiding things like I always do. Pathetic. Also I feel like I have no friends or connections.

Compassion- I've worked really hard on a show at the same time as having a job and doing a lot of other stuff which has take time, energy and effort so it's natural that I'd feel so wiped out the day after the show has finished. I've been doing 6 nights of a very physical role and a 3 minute fight scene so it's no wonder I'm tired, achey and have no energy, especially as I've been doing other stuff as well. Even though there are a lot of things I have been avoiding or find it difficult to do, and I think I should do them, they can wait one more day until tommorrow, for today it is the best plan to put everything to the side, write a list if I feel that will give me more control and will stop me forgetting things, rest, do whatever I want and generally take care of myself.

Also as for being depressed it is normal for me, especially the after show blues and this is new for me as I don't know when I will next be performing and I've been used to doing performance after performance for two years.

This break will give me time to rest and time to think about my life and what I want to make of it, it'll give me more time to explore other things and build up my social life. If I'm struggling I know that there are people on here I can talk to or PM and I can reach out to some of my friends etc so I'm not totally alone even if I don't know what to say I can just say I am struggling.

I'm struggling and listless today, but that's ok, I'm ok.

[delusionaldolly]

Issue : I lied to someone I care deeply about

Compassion : I'm scared of being real as my inner child has been told she's unacceptable and I've been conditioned to lie about who I really am = I am not a bad person, I just have bad methods of coping.

Next step : get to therapy as soon as daylight hours allow me to!!!

[Kara.]

Kitsune i also find it difficult when something like that ends for me. I seem to feel it as a loss and all my fears of abandonment get out of hand. I had a big crisis recently because i finished something that kept me structured and connected.

HUgs and i hope you feel more connected soon. As for the tiredness, ya! Have a rest! :-)

Congratulations for your act in the performance :-)

xxx

[Saharah Blue]

Issue:

I feel guilty that I called in to work this morning. I don't know why because I really feel run down. I guess I feel like my work will criticize me behind my back, because I am not not dying with the flu or anything. But as soon I put down the phone I was able to get some deep much needed rest.

Compassion:

Those limits sah are cropping up for a reason. Make more room for RR in your life and don't use your sick day to stress. Be gentle and get rest up. Start tomorrow fresh and ready to for a tasks ahead.