ashleigh22 Posted November 4, 2013 Report Share Posted November 4, 2013 I'm going to be really honest and would love some feed back, if you can relate or have opinions etc? so obviously i want to recover, but i suppose in a dream world by recover i mean not have a mental illness altogether, for me personally, being able to cope and handle my diagnosis doesn't make me feel that great. recently everyone i know, my family, work colleagues and even my gp say that I'm really good, that they havent seen me properly depressed or down in a very long time, they refer to my problems as past tense. i feel like i should be really happy about this so why am i not? when i listen to my thoughts i hear "ive lost what i had" although what i had wasn't something you want, it wasn't a good thing at all so why should i be sad about this? I'm starting therapy in january and then when thats done I'm starting DBT and i see my gp very regularly but this makes me feel secure, i know I'm reliant on the support, i won't deny it and i regularly say to myself "i need to let go, i need to stop seeing my gp and i need to start my life, set myself up for the future" but i can't let go. i just can't take that step, i know its for the best, to not depend on anyone, I'm doing the therapy and when i think about letting go I'm thinking of the time when thats all over. will i ever be able to leave this whole thing in the past and say thats not me anymore, never see my gp. i don't think so... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
artemis84 Posted November 4, 2013 Report Share Posted November 4, 2013 Hi ashleigh, This is something I would like to reply to more fully when I'm not so sleepy but I wanted to say that I'm completely with you in your feelings. I have been very ambivalent towards recovery if that means losing support in the past and I also struggle to hear people saying I'm doing well even though I know that's what I should want. You are definitely not alone! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ashleigh22 Posted November 4, 2013 Author Report Share Posted November 4, 2013 thank you! i wish i did but i just don't, i think a big part of it is because i know i won't see my gp anymore, its been 4 years every 2 weeks and she's helped me so much, to then never see her, i know i would be independent and i know i can be, I'm good like that but its just sad and i don't want to. x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lily-Bee Posted November 4, 2013 Report Share Posted November 4, 2013 Hi, Trying to gather my thoughts Its sounds to me like you are doing better but youre not yet where you want to be. I think this takes time. Your symptoms have lessened etc but it can be quite uncomfy to find yourself doing better also because as hard as it was it was what you where used and became your comfort zone, maybe you even identified that state as who you where. So now youre here which is great but you haven't I guess fully adjusted yet to doing better and more importantly to giving that a place in your life and building a new life around it. I think when were depressed that takes up all our time now you can start really living, slowly but steadily, thinking about what you want to do, what dreams you have etc you need to adjust your life to the healthier you as you probably also adjusted it to the depressed you. I think youll find over time and as you move forward this will actually be exciting, the world at your feet sort of thing And I think in time then also there will naturally come a time when you yourself want to stop living in that world, seeing your gp etc as youll have build up enough of a new life by then to feel it has become redundant. Lily Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ashleigh22 Posted November 4, 2013 Author Report Share Posted November 4, 2013 thanks lily bee... i think saying goodbye is the hardest part of everything.. so when the therapy is over i know i'll still want to continuously see my gp and know i can't live like that so when the time comes i think i'll just have to be really honest and just say hey, i can't move on so i need you to refuse to see me hahah obviously not like that! but seriously if i did say i need her help to stop appointments she'll be really nice and say its been nice to know me etc and its fine to move on, she'll say she's happy for me and all the usual things and then i'll have to do what I've had to do before and say goodbye, usually a letter or a card where i go over how thankful i am and then i just get so pissed off with myself because i usually sound like an idiot, i get too soppy and then feel frustrated because i think they'll think I'm this weirdo who says i owe them my life etc. i'll also be annoyed because no matter what i say i'll feel like they'll never understand. so maybe i just want to avoid this. i know its a long time till therapy is over its just for a while now i've been thinking to myself "jeeeze at some point i'll have to move on" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ashleigh22 Posted November 4, 2013 Author Report Share Posted November 4, 2013 what I'm thinking now is that although i feel like i have this great relationship with my gp, that i keep telling myself that she just doesn't care, that I'm not that important to her, even though its been 4 years, if i never saw her again she just wouldn't care. so again if i went through the trouble of saying goodbye and she was just like "ok toodle doo" i would be devastated, or even if she made a big effort i would either feel so touched that i would panic and think i can't go on without her support or i would think i wanted more. I'm just so confused, this is why i don't want to deal with this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.