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Hint Of Hope


notcoping

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Hi

I have never posted in this forum yet - but wanted to write in it now while I feel a 'hint of hope' as I know it may not last!

I saw my CPN today and it went quite well - I am starting my 'introductory group' for my therapeutic community next Tuesday. It is for four weeks, just on a Tuesday for an hour and a half each time. I am really really really scared and so incredibly anxious - but it is more 'real' now and just maybe it may help :-) It will be so challenging though but maybe, just maybe worthwhile.

My CPN also was really good about another idea that I had thought of after someone suggested it to me. That is about eventually going into 'supported accommodation' - not for ages yet - but maybe towards the end of my main year at therapeutic community or during the year where I will attend one group a week. This too feels very scary but it would help me to become more independent and give me enough support to do this. It is in no way definite yet that this will be an option as I have to have a meeting with my CPN and Psych first and then be referred and assessed etc etc - but it is a possibility :-)

I will be seeing my cpn again hopefully sometime before Christmas and the joint meeting with her and my psych sometime next year - goodness knows when!

But anyway I have written and waffled on way way too much - but first bit of hope I have felt for a long time and wanted to share it as realistically I don't think I will be able to hold onto it for long - but I will try my best and it is nice to have it even for a moment :-)

Will try and let you know how my first group goes next week - but may not be able to immediately for various reasons - but will keep you updated.

I really hope for all of you that some day soon you will also have a 'hint of hope', even if only for a moment or short time

*hugs to all of you * xXx

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Soooooo pleased to hear you have a little hope today nc, well done you for letting that happen,

V excited for you and hope you will keep us posted here how all this stuff goes, and keep posting so we can support you as next week approaches too..!

(((((((HUGS))))))))

xx lali xx

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That sounds great notcoping! I'm so happy for you. Thank you for sharing this.

It's good to have a hint of hope even if it's not definite, it's good to be able to see a way through. I'm also really happy that you have such a cpn to support you. So many people on here have said what a difference a cpn can make.

I hope the introductory group goes well. It does sound scary but you have your cpn and you have us as well. I'm not sure if anyone here has been part of a therapeutic community but I think a few people have considered it so it would also be very interesting to hear about your experiences if you have the time and if you want to share. But most of all I'm sure we'll just be happy for you.

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Thanks everyone for your lovely encouraging and supportive messages. You are all very special and am sending each and everyone of you (((((((((huge hugs)))))))))

I still do have that 'hint of hope' tonight, but it is lessening. I am feeling incredibly anxious and overwhelmed by it all too and very stressed and not sure sleep will be easy tonight. Need to hold onto the hope and positiveness (if that is even a word!) and not get too scared about things that aren't even happening yet and new things that I don't know how they will work out or how I will cope.

But the good thing is that for the first time in a long long time there are things that may just help and help change me and my life. I am not good with change etc but need it so much..........then there is that 'little monster' inside me saying 'you can't do it'; 'things will never change'; 'you are too useless'; 'you are being so incredibly selfish and greedy' etc. I am feeling very guilty at moment for receiving support and don't feel I deserve it or need it as much as some people. But I am trying to not let these thoughts stop me from trying.

Anyway.........waffled on again.........have taken a sleeping tablet and I often waffle then - sorry.

Thanks again to you all for being pleased and encouraging and I hope it doesn't seem at all in anyway like I am 'showing off' or being thoughtless and not thinking of others who are not receiving the support they so need at the moment :-( Just wanted to write something positive and say that even after 15 years (since diagnosed) it is possible to try new treatments and work with new people that may just help us change. Please try to never give up and think you have had all the help possible - as there is nearly always something new to try or a new person to work with that may just be the right therapy/person you need to move forward.

I hope this is the case for me and that I won't muck it all up and that it will be right for me at this time.

Take care and I will keep you updated xXx

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It can be hard holding onto hope, it does go up and down a bit. It can start to fade, there are times when it seems to be gone for good but that doesn't mean it doesn't come back again. Even if you can't hold onto the hope all the time, you've still got the knowledge that you are capable of feeling hope. I'm sure the feeling will come back again.

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Thanks so much for saying that (((((((((Emma))))))))) I have lost the hope I was feeling, and it has been replaced with feeling so scared and unable to do the things that are coming up for me - and that gave me the hope! I feel so scared about it all and really don't think I can cope or even do the things I am meant to be doing :-( Part of me doesn't even want to bother and to just give up instead - but that is not an option. Sorry. Maybe you are right and that for now, just having a little hope occasionally is a step forward and means it is possible and may last longer next time. Just don't know how I am going to do all this - I am too useless, weak, bad, selfish, greedy etc and I always run away and can't do that this time and I feel so alone and petrified of now and the future. Sorry to be negative in this forum/thread when it is meant to be about positive days etc :-(

Thanks again Emma and hope you are ok at the moment - or as ok as possible xXx

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It is difficult when you have lots to do, it can get overwhelming and it seems impossible. I know this is hard to do but could you maybe choose just one thing to focus on? Try not to worry about the rest for now, just do the one thing. When that's done you can worry about the next thing. You might find everything falls into place after that but even if it doesn't you've still achieved something and brought yourself a little bit closer to where you want to be.

You aren't any of those things! You are so caring and giving to everyone on this forum but it is so hard to believe that when mh takes hold. I don't know how to help you to believe it, but I believe it.

I've had the same problem with the Good Day forum, something good happens and I post about it but then it all goes wrong! But this forum isn't that strict about where you post things. If you did want to keep this thread positive you could post in another forum and post a link to this one but I really don't think people will mind as long as it's not a crisis post.

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Hey there Notcoping!

First of all, I'm so glad you've taken those first few steps, talking about your intent and possibilities whilst admiting you are scared was a really brave thing to do, it shows that you're definitely open to change :) Grab onto all the hope you can and hold it tight, maybe you could write it down somewhere so you can read it again.

You are the complete opposite of the things you said about yourself, you're strong, important, brave, kind, thoughtful and amazing. I know how hard these things can be, when the negative thoughts creep in, but please remember how important you are!

Here's a deal, I'm on that brink as well, where I could make a real effort and start to change things for the better. If I try, will you?

Sending you warm, supportive ginger bear hugs.

Please look after yourself, you deserve all the kindness and compassion you give to the others here :D

Take care,

Ash

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Hi Emma and Ash :-)

Wow - thank you so so much for all the lovely things you said xxx I don't believe them deep down, but I will try and take them on board and maybe gradually start to believe at least some of them for myself - but thanks so much *hugs*.

Emma - I think you are so right that I need to take one thing at a time. I find that incredibly hard to do, but will try. I put a lot of pressure on myself and need to lessen this and take things day by day. I think I just get so scared of the whole 'life/future' thing that I link everything together and see it all being related and then it all becomes one giant thing to overcome! I really hope everything does fall into place this time - as I need it to - but also scared to think that it might incase it doesn't! But need to hold on to the positives at the moment and not expect everything to go wrong, or be perfect and really simple. It is getting that middle ground that I find incredibly tough! Thanks for saying it is ok to continue this thread in this forum - I hope it is - it can get tricky sometimes when one post sort of changes half way through - but glad you and others also find this issue comes up. How are you Emma? Thanks again for your kindness and understanding - it means a lot xXx

Ash - thanks so much for your message :-) Thanks for saying I am 'brave' and all the other lovely things - I don't feel it at all, but appreciate you meant it sincerely xxx I will try to hold on to that whole 'hope' thing and writing it down is a good idea. I am open to change - but it also petrifies me - and not changing also petrifies me!!! It is all so difficult. It sounds good that you also have something on the horizon that might help make things better for you - I should imagine it feels scary and will require a lot of effort - but I like the idea of us both challenging ourselves in the hope it will improve things. Do you mind me asking what you have coming up? No pressure to answer if not comfortable in doing so. Anyway.........thanks so much for the lovely message - I hope you do find the strength to accept and work towards whatever it is that you have the chance to do xXx

Take care both of you and sending you both (((((((((huge hugs)))))))

nc xXx

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