Do You Believe...

[ILostHer]

That you deserve how you suffer?

I mean, do you feel so unworthy that it will always be this way?

For me, my shame inflicted by others has now completely taken over, and I now despise myself so much that I feel that I MUST suffer. And when I get daily 'signs' that I am that unworthy that it must be true because why would life continuously want an individual to deal relentlessly with such torment unless they deserved it?

I am fast becoming a non entity because life has drained absolutely any hope. It's making me truly believe that I am the enemy of my own being. I have never felt this degree of shame so strongly before that I have no idea how to exorcise it.

Can any one relate to this at all?

[SusieQ]

Charlotte

I am sorry to hear that you feel this way. I feel that way sometimes, but not as deeply as you speak.

It's likely that other people around you are re-enforcing that opinion, which makes it a really difficult opinion for you to break. But however bad you feel, please remember that is just not true. Bad things happen to people - it is not your fault and you do not deserve to suffer.

Leech

[ILostHer]

Thank you Leech, you're right, it is reinforced by certain people each day. Either strangers or people I know, mixed with my own brain re-inforcing it, it just never stops. But actually, being back on here is helping...a good distraction with people that wouldn't dream of wanting to make anything worse.

I am sorry you feel this sometimes too, how do you stop it when it happens? Have you found a way?

My way is not good and has resulted in causing health deterioration and seizure. It really has to stop for so many peoples sakes. How does one know if they do deserve it though? That's what I can't work out. Sorry, I have thrown a million questions at you x

[Lily-Bee]

I am glad I don't feel this way.

It might help you to look for things that affirm that you are in fact worthy. When you think youre not youre more likely to see it everywhere and not notice affirming things so you have to consciously look for them.

And be aware that how you interpret things negatively might not always be what was meant.

You are worthy!

[Kara.]

I too feel like that to different degrees. My core is made of shame and a belief that I'm not worthy of love and protection.

My experience is that this belief shapes the world around me. Most people are good and don't really want to make me feel unworthy but as you mentioned, the brain is wired to see and prove that over and over again.

Tips? Reduce whatever triggers you to feel that way, like do not be with people that trigger you as much or not at all, find soothing strategies and most importantly, feed that part of you with compassion. Spend time with it, listen to it, be with it and talk to it. Wrap the shame in a soft warm blanket and give it lots of love and care. Use imagery. Find an image for the shame and see how it changes for better and worse depending on the days, moods, etc. But do protect it with all you've got. Love it.

Hugs.

[ILostHer]

I too feel like that to different degrees. My core is made of shame and a belief that I'm not worthy of love and protection.

My experience is that this belief shapes the world around me. Most people are good and don't really want to make me feel unworthy but as you mentioned, the brain is wired to see and prove that over and over again.

Tips? Reduce whatever triggers you to feel that way, like do not be with people that trigger you as much or not at all, find soothing strategies and most importantly, feed that part of you with compassion. Spend time with it, listen to it, be with it and talk to it. Wrap the shame in a soft warm blanket and give it lots of love and care. Use imagery. Find an image for the shame and see how it changes for better and worse depending on the days, moods, etc. But do protect it with all you've got. Love it.

Hugs.

We see the bad confirmation more than the good and compassionate don't we? The bad always overrides and is so much more powerful than the good signs we get.

I tried last night to try to believe I am not the monster I feel so ran a bath and changed my bed to think...I deserve to be human, and then (possibly) laughably the power went. So I immediately saw that as a sign that I must not feel any compassion towards myself. This is the problem...I really do not know if I deserve to wrap the shame in a nice warm blanket because I simply do not know what I am.

The self loathing/hatred is so determined to replace 'Maybe I am not hateful' This is such a soul destroying feeling that it is eating me. I promise I listen to all your words and help...I am just told I shouldn't. Hate it so much.

xx

[Kara.]

I think understand what you're saying.

I see that part of me in a temporal continuum. It started by being and is incredibly needy and it did and does want the goodies. But because these needs were not met, a feeling that needs are wrong, humiliating and shameful was developed. As a result a protective mechanism, in my case more like a strong reaction, was created to protect me from being humiliated again. This means that I will not need and will not expect anything from others because my needs are bad, I am bad. I know this and I will not suffer further humiliation.

This is the part that i encounter the most but beneath the needs are there and they are very intense to be managed without a 24 hour person by my side.

I think that the experience of having been shamed, and the belief that one is defective, is very important and so most times i spend time with it as it. I accept it as disgusting, as ugly, as stupid, as shitty and as nearly dead as it feels/is. I validate its feelings, its sense of self/being. I'm finding that this is the most important step if receiving good feels too much. In fact, my therapist has tried to nurture and soothe it as if it was a baby through imagery work but instead of feeling grateful i went into a rage because i felt that he was not acknowledging that that thing was not a lovely baby but a disgusting thing not worthy of anything. So it withdrew feeling misunderstood and incredibly ashamed. Once again not seen, once again not validated, once again replaced by something else. The sense of loneliness was and still is unbearable.

Looking for understanding this part of me I came across some articles that helped me. Most of all, they validated my experience, which my T didn't/doesn't seem to understand. I can post them or send by PM if you wish.

Hugs.

PS: Yes, the positive doesn't leave a mark :-( But it's there.

[ILostHer]

You write how it feels so much more eloquently than I do. This is exactly it.

I really want to say that you don't deserve to feel this awful way about yourself but I know that others saying it doesn't change a thing...you write beautifully, you have such a grasp on how and why we feel this way.

I would very much appreciate to read the articles...thank you. I looked up self loathing for some help on how to not hate myself so much but it just would not penetrate and I could not apply it to myself.

Do you write? I think it may help...just to read how the words you use sound like poetry might give you something to like about about yourself?

Unbearable has to be the worst emotion/feeling I think and to be in that unbearable World, is the most lonely and isolating place. I'm there with you xx

[walker]

yes

we relate

we have a deep seated need to hurt but also a terror of it

when the pain (psychological or physical) is too great it tears us apart

but draws us in like the debris of a tornado

a necessary agony

there is such shame in who we are - or parts of us

such disgust and loathing

and it feels safer

than love and like and pride and care,

which all carry us to such an edge that we know we will fall and suffer

for feeling good is being bad

thats what a voice inside says

we were loved and cared for

yet we know such deep shame of what we are

deep mistrust of any needs

and an endless confusion of good and bad

[ILostHer]

Oh Walker, I have no words but am so very sorry that you are still suffering.

(((Walker))) xxx

[Threemoons]

Hugging you all, dear lovely people.

[SusieQ]

Ilosther - in answer to your questions on 3rd March I feel I am gradually unravelling my way out of this. Its hard to put this process in words but I'll give it a go.

Its not that you can just suddenly stop it. First you need to acknowledge that this is how you feel right now. We spend a lot of time trying to run away from it, but just sit with it for as long as you can bear.

Then you need to separate your rational thoughts from your emotions some way. When you are in that place you can say different things to yourself, things more like 'my pain has nothing to do with what I deserve,' 'it is not my fault that I feel this way,' 'it is ok to express that I feel this way,' 'I can be myself,' 'I can get what I want'. You can say these things because you are not so overwhelmed by feeling sh*t.

Then you need to repeat, repeat, repeat. Gradually it gets better, you automatically start to switch into the more affirming way of thinking. And then you start to believe it and actually start to feel better.

If its hard, find someone else to help you. I know we don't have anyone 24/7, but I always call the Samaritans when I feel really low. They are a bit hit and miss, so if I get a bad person on the phone, I leave it and call back later, until I find someone who is more affirming.

kariandou - your post is very insightful - couldn't put it better myself.

[Kara.]

Dear ILostHer, thank you so much for your lovely words and compliments. I really appreciate it (though part of me is moving to the side so that they don't touch me :-) is this even funny? Well, lets say, a little.) There is a part of me, somewhere, that does seem to write ok, but it's not very often around. I have written under another name and it seemed to have improved a bit though i still took a long time to develop my thoughts.

In any case, i've read a lot about therapy and bpd, schizoid, autism, etc, hoping to get closer to me. And i have done therapy for about 12 years now. It feels that is a never ending project!

When you said "I'm there with you"- in that isolated place, it felt so good. Who can really understand what that place is like? Somehow, i need someone to really know that place of solitude and despair. Somehow i need someone to be there with me but i have no idea where we would go from there as it feels that there is no place to go.

So thank you ILostHer.

Antartic Leech, have you gone through that experience yourself (separating emotional and reasoning and then substitute negative with more positive thoughts until your brain registers them)? It does sound hopeful but needing lots of determination.

Dear walker, lots of love for all of you. I hope that you can feel the love as i hope this to myself and all of us. One thing i can do and that is to hug. So hugs to all of you. Hugs to all of us.

xxxx