Sorted Some Things Out At Work

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I have really been struggling with work related stress for a few weeks now (see ). I have been worried that it will make me return to being mentally ill again, which would be a shame, after all the hard work and therapy I've put into my recovery. Today some things got sorted and it was a big relief for me, so even though its not all positive, I thought this belongs in this part of the forum.

I had a meeting with the guy who supervises me and the director on Wednesday. I told them I was having lots of problems with my work. The director was encouraging, but my supervisor has been extremely negative with me for some weeks now. I was asked to put together a plan for the work in the next month or two. I was quite worried by being asked to give estimates, and I don't know how long my tasks will take. So I put in a range as a time estimate for each activity.

I sent the plan to my supervisor, the director, and my line manager by email on Friday. My work is quite complicated because I am employed on a government scheme where my manager is a university professor, but I actually work in an engineering company (where the supervisor and director are employed). I mentioned that the work was frustrating me and really making me stressed to the point of affecting my health and personal life.

The director and professor replied, saying they were concerned about my stress. All three of them got their heads together (the professor does it by phone as she is hundreds of miles away). I was asked to go down and see the director this morning.

I mentioned I was worried about losing my job, as the supervisor threatened that; and my wife is worried too. The director said that they are worried, as they previously mentioned my project is a month behind. But they are not so worried that they are ready to sack me. He says I have passed my probation and if they sack me, I'll get months of warning first. He said that if I really worry about things to the point that the stress impedes my work, then I might be in danger of failing eventually. But he said he doesn't think that will happen.

He said I have an extremely difficult job, and that it looks like I need more support. He said that other software developers take a year to get used to the job, and that its too early to know whether I will fit in in the company in the long run (I have only been there 3 months and I have a 3 year contract). He said he has had a word with the supervisor, and is going to ask him to check in on me more, and give me more help.

I said that I struggle with stress management, and that I am much better at it now than I used to be, but that ultimately I just can't turn off those feelings of stress. We are hoping that things will get easier as I get used to the job though. Also, the tasks I've been assigned at them moment are particularly hard - its like I've been thrown in at the deep end, and the acknowledge that. I didn't mention my past history of mental health problems.

He said that the supervisor complains that I don't do the things I am asked. He said that if I can't accomplish them within a day, I should mention it to him, rather than ignoring the subject. He said that if I ignore the supervisor and don't ask for help in the job, then I will fail. I apologised and told him that I often get stressed because the supervisor is so offhand with me, that the 'fight-or-flight' mechanism kicks in, and I panic and forget the things I've been told. I said that for planned meetings with the supervisor, I take a pad and pen. He said that when he asked me to do the plan they had to mention it 3-4 times and I looked negative, it was as if I was not going to do it (even though I didn't say that). I said that I felt scared, as I was worried about committing to time estimates.

He said that none of the other applicants for my job were actually capable of doing it, so if they fired me they might not be able to get anyone else anyway!

He said that my supervisor is extremely intelligent, and has worked for the company for decades. He is so quick, but he is impatient with other people who don't pick things up so quickly. He works very fast, but his work is often full of mistakes, but the company tolerates that as they have other people that fix those after him, and he speeds the team/job up. He lacks people skills, but is very technical. He is also unwell at the moment.

We finished the meeting with the director asking if there was anything else he could do for me - I couldn't think of anything but I know he is there if I need him.

As it turns out, today went well. Activity on my plan was supposed to be anything up to 10 days in duration, and I did it in just over 1 day! They let me go home at 4pm because I did so well. Tonight I feel positive, still a bit stressed, but a lot better than I have been over the past few weeks.

My supervisor has over-compensated this afternoon; he has been over-sympathetic with me! It has actually made me a bit uncomfortable. I'm not complaining though - I just think it will take a few days to get sorted. The main thing is that he hasn't lost any "face" or respect.

It has been a bit weird, as I've been struggling and getting nowhere for weeks, and the supervisor just barked at me; today I've been really successful and he has been offering help all day!!!

I am looking forward to getting back into my healthy diet again. If the stress decreases, I should be able to manage some weight reduction. I found out last week that I have an umbilical hernia, so I really need to lose some weight. I went swimming last night and I'm going again on Thursday.

I have had a chance to think about the way I interact with people. When I was younger I was a loose cannon, I upset people by winding them up and speaking my mind, I could be nasty if I was stressed or unhappy, and I suffered a lot myself as a result. Over the years I learned to keep my mouth shut. But now I am 41, I have matured, it might be time to carefully open that mouth a bit more. Because what is happening is that when I am unhappy, in disagreement, or worried, people can tell anyway by my body language, and sometimes by not mentioning it I am avoiding confrontation. And I've discovered that this confrontation can just build up problems for the future. Today I think I got some problems solved; I'm not "out of the woods" yet but I'm looking forward to going to work tomorrow instead of dreading it.

If you've got this far - thanks for reading my post .

[Threemoons]

Well, there definitely seems to be several good aspects in what you've been told. I'm pleased that you feel a bit less stressed.

[lonelyheartemma]

I'm so glad you've sorted things out- the director and manager sound great and they've obviously explained the situation very well to the supervisor. It's true it's not all completely positive but they have been honest with you about everything which is better than telling you everything is fine and then saying later that actually everything isn't fine at all. On the whole it seems positive as they believe in you.

It must be so weird having the supervisor being so helpful! But once you've been working together more closely for a while you will hopefully fall into a working relationship that's helpful without being unnerving.

It's also really good you're looking at your own behaviour and how that might be affecting the situation. That's probably something I need to do as well but the idea of it frightens me. So I really admire you for that.

[Data]

Well, there definitely seems to be several good aspects in what you've been told. I'm pleased that you feel a bit less stressed.

Yes its not all positive, but life is rarely black-and-white and its mostly positive . Thanks!

I'm so glad you've sorted things out- the director and manager sound great and they've obviously explained the situation very well to the supervisor. It's true it's not all completely positive but they have been honest with you about everything which is better than telling you everything is fine and then saying later that actually everything isn't fine at all. On the whole it seems positive as they believe in you.

It must be so weird having the supervisor being so helpful! But once you've been working together more closely for a while you will hopefully fall into a working relationship that's helpful without being unnerving.

It's also really good you're looking at your own behaviour and how that might be affecting the situation. That's probably something I need to do as well but the idea of it frightens me. So I really admire you for that.

Thanks Emma, I always like your posts and replies.

I have been honest. The director has always impressed me with his honesty in the past.

I think they do believe in me, although they don't have complete confidence in me. Having said that, it just means my limitations are being pushed and I am learning from the best. I think its good that I am stretched mentally, as long as it doesn't make me go back to being mentally ill.

I think the supervisor is showing signs of being less false and going back to his old self in the last day or two; not far enough to be nasty like he was, but more "real", if you know what I mean. Thats ok as it would be unfair for him to have to put on a false front all the time, whilst he is under stress and ill himself.

Are you getting any therapy/counselling Emma? In my experience its the best way of confronting your own behaviour.