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I Would Turn Back Time.....


Eagleheart

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You would be 25 now

my sweet child.

A fully formed adult,

my one and only child.

From a soft,fragrant baby,

through touching moments

and dreadful dramas,

i would have watched you grow

and lived in wonder of

this awesome life

that came from me.

How can i be bereaved

for someone who never was?

How dare i even feel such emotion;

You did nothing wrong,little one.

You were perfect and blameless-

condemned merely by my selfishness

and my fear of the responsibility

for anothers' life.

I seek forgiveness...

a blessing which is undeserved.

My head is bowed.

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I feel quite frozen with emotion for you, I don't even have the words to say, if i said anything it would appear trivial and your pain is anything but trivial, all i can say is that I'm deeply sorry, but I simply had to acknowledge what you have written and acknowledge that i hear your pain x

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I am very moved by your reply. I expected to be rejected & condemned but perhaps that is simply me projecting how i feel about myself.

My torture & punishment will be eternal.

Thankyou for responding.

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Dear Eagleheart, may I just say, how, your expression, moved, many, tears, of compassion, and I mean no offense, but would like to extend, a sense of, sorry, for this experience that you hold with you. I sincerely feel for your pain....

Your writing, could really help, a friend of mine, let some tears flow, without needing to tell anyone, why. May, I, copy and read to her. She does not have mh problems..to be real, yet...no expression is hurting her. We communicate over the phone...would never do such a thing without permission, as she will not find herself on this site. Don't know if it is ok, to ask this of you, am sure that refusal is completely ok....

Thank you, for sharing something so deeply emotional and real, very well wishes, moonbeam beth.

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Moonbeam beth. Sorry for delay in replying. I am not well & been resting up.

Of course you can share what i've written. If it helps your friend,then it has served a purpose. Thanks so much for your words.x

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hello again Eagleheart,

Thank you, truly...

sometimes, circumstances, prevent, people from being able to be honest, about what it is that is hurting and disturbing them so much, my friend, is in this reality...

It felt, so lucky, to find, so quickly, someone, who could express, what she can not.

Thank you once again, for sharing, wishing some peace for you soul, moonbeam beth.

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Hello Eagleheart....I just wanted to send some thoughts, of peace and light your way...

Thank you, for, well, expressing yourself...

Well wishes, Moonbeambeth x

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I feel quite frozen with emotion for you, I don't even have the words to say, if i said anything it would appear trivial and your pain is anything but trivial, all i can say is that I'm deeply sorry, but I simply had to acknowledge what you have written and acknowledge that i hear your pain x

Exactly this. xxxxx

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ILH-thanks. I want to say how hugely i admire you as a terrific mum. You need to give yourself a break. You are a good mum & your son loves you. For that reason,i admire your strength.

I was such a coward that i murdered my child.

Now i can never have a child. And thats the very least i deserve.

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Hello again Eagleheart...again, I am pulled, with strong emotion to respond...

I am not sure, what we, deserve out here, I am always at a loss, for such matters…

We can never judge another’s decision, without really knowing their reasons…and even then, who is to say, for something as, difficult, as letting go of a child..

Some of us, at the time, just knew, that, we could not, give, what is needed, to sustain new life..Some of us, were under Mental health acts, which would have lead, to separation from, the new person, from the start…some of us, just don’t have family and friends, to support us, so, we judged it best at the time, not to bring another forward into our pain…

Some of us just did not have Dx yet…and the chaos and fear, drove us to, the only option we could see at the time..

Some of us..stand ,in worse judgement of ourselves, than any other being could ever put on us…

So very many of us, much face the eternal grief, of never being able, to try again…

If I was, to turn to you, with my grief, are you sure, that you would condemn me, to suffer, more than I already do…

Please be gentle, a little kinder, to the younger woman, that you were, for the choice that needed to be made at that time…your love and longing, may yet, have a place, which shines, into the darkness of others, as you did, for my friend, who very much, needed, to know, she was not alone…even though she aches, with the pain, and self- loathing, she is still, valued, and loved by me, even though the internal world will not allow her to feel this…

Sorry, if this, is no help, or triggering to you…I mean no harm, honestly..just your pain, is something, that I can feel, from here, I too, really can understand, a little, if not all of this truly distressing and difficult life experience…

Thinking of you, moonbeam beth xxx

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Moonbeambeth- There is no need to apologise for anything.Your posts have really touched me.

I was told by the pastor of a church i got caught up in that i am going to hell for being a murderer.no hope for my soul.

I was told very recently that i am an evil bitch.

I have had it drummed into me for so many years that i now accept it is true.

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Oh my Eagleheart...

Forgive me, for the street talk, but WTF kind of a pastor is this...do they have some kind of 'special' link...to the one they consider creator..if I was present for that..I am sure, that every 'evil' and ugly piece of me, would have united, to tell this pastor, exactly what to do with the doctrine...

I am flush with temper, what a truly disturbing and terrible thing to say to you...

I am so sorry, for the recent 'evil bitch' comment, this one is difficult for me, has been said to me many times..

sometimes, I can just roll with it..sometimes roll of the edge of my sanity with it...

But if this comment was, in relation, to, the difficult life decision, that your, younger self, had to make, it is an awful, way to respond, to you...

I understand (most days), that everyone, is entitled, to, their opinion, but, 'evil bitch' that is not an opinion, it is an ugly statement, with a judgement, that no-one, really no-one is 'entitled' to make really...

I wish you, some better, spiritual guidance, those, to bring us closer, to love, would not ever cast the first stone.

With thoughts of peace for your soul, dear Eagleheart xxx

Hope my emotion is not too much for you, :blush02:

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eagleheart

it is not true

the pastor is WRONG

he does not know

he is blind to all the circumstances in your life then

god/creator is not

you are in pain

not evil

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Eagleheart, Like others, I can't really put any words together after reading your post, but I am deeply moved. I don't think I could really say anything to help or change anything. However, I believe you deserve a great deal of tenderness and peace. I hope beyond anything you can forgive yourself one day. wish i could do more. Ash

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I really don't know what to say apart from that the Pastor was not doing his/her job very well by saying that to you.

No one can assume circumstances nor should they. xxx

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