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Just Go Away Please! :(


Becca95

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I have been struggling with anorexia for nearly two years now due to my generalised anxiety disorder combined with fear of being sick.

My weight has pretty much remained the same for the whole 2 years, no dramatic changes just up and down.

My councillor from ed team said it's odd to do that and there is obviously something that's stopping me making big progress. I am apparently very underweight and medically my body should be struggling but my blood pressure, heart rate, oxygen levels are all fine plus I'm still having my period every month, which they find bizarre.

Anyway, there's been several times where I've thought this is finally it, I'm going to recover now, just got to keep goin like this but I always always always fall back down unintentionally.

A few weeks ago, I was doing better then I ever had, I got my taste for chocolate back and enjoyed eating it, I enjoyed everything I used to.. But now, within a day I've jut lost my whole appetite all over again!

Won't touch chocolate, I want to eat it but my body won't let me. I'm having to force food down again and I just don't want to eat..

I can't believe I've just lost all this progress, normally I pick up again after a few days by it's been a week now and I'm not gettin any better.

Why does this happen? Why can't I just recover because I really want to, I hate seeing a skeleton, I hate thinking that people must be looking at me thinking Urgh. I want figure back, I want my appetite back and I want my bf to hug a normal person, not a skeleton..

I don't know why it's so hard and I don't know why I can't just continue makin progress, why do I have to keep 'rolling back down the hill'??

I've got so much on my mind right now the last thing I need is to worry about eating.

I can't really pin point why this keeps happening, it's not my anxiety this time..

I just feel so useless and pathetic and worthless. I can't do something that's meant to be so simple and essential. It's not just food I struggle with either, I struggle with drinking too.

I just want anorexia to go away, I've fought eating problems and anxiety for most of my life and I'm sick of it, I want to do what other people do! Hopeless.. :'(

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Hi becca

I totally understand where you coming from as a recovered anorexic

And I totally empathise but one thing stuck out for me in the above which was :

'Ive got so much on my mind right now the last thing I need is to worry about eating'

Maybe subconsciously this is the problem if u have so much going on without you realising it u are using food to stay in control.

You may not be aware of this as I was the same.

I dont know what it is you have on but maybe these things need looking into.

Hope you didn't mind me saying this

Take care

And hope your appetite improves

Emo xx

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Hi Emogirl,

Thank you so much for replying, I really appreciate it!

I have been wondering recently whether it's to do with having control and I think you're right, I think it could be. I like being able to control what I eat and sometimes not eating feels good because I feel good and less vulnerable, I feel safe.

I don't know how to let go of the control for good, I'm so sick of this :(

With all my other problems I have confided in a couple of psych docs or whatever they are, don't pay much attention to it. I felt completely ignored and they did not take me seriously I feel, so I'm stuck with everything that's going on in my head.

I feel like I'm about to break and I don't know who to turn to..

Thanks again xx

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Hello Becca95, sorry you are so tired of fighting. I hope that you don’t mind a new person responding to you.. May I extend, without coming off as patronising, a deep respect, for your care of your body, in maintaining something consistent, seems odd, that this would be measured, as no ‘real’ progress. I also extend, the hope, that people outside of the professionals, are listening to you, certainly here, people have connection to you, and are listening…

May I share, to add, something that may be of use, about the challenge of recovering from this condition. I in no way presume, that I know anything outside, my own experience.

It is never the same for any two people, but I just wanted you to know, that for some people, the ‘fighting’ is the start of, what can feel like, the war, to balance, the mind and body..for some people, it is no different to fighting an addiction…smokers, get tired, of fighting, the drive to smoke, so give in and smoke…

My body, became addicted, to, the ‘feeling’ of running on empty, all those jittery, nerves, the stomach so real in its spasms…unfortunately, my body knew it was alive, therefore I am in control in this state… this was the ‘go too’ setting, when stressed or overwhelmed. Although I confess there is complex, more.

So even when consciously, I knew, the why, this was my state of being (as a simplified example for me, food was the only thing I could control inside my own body!), it still took other kinds of work, to train my body, to accept, the different way, of functioning. As soon as the circumstances became too much, I would not ‘be’ hungry, its so deep, I struggle not to just waffle on….

Once I re-framed, the fact for me, that my somatic system, has hunger, and tension, as its de-fault ‘take control’ setting. Re-training, took on something different, rather than a war, it was, my conscious, all in effort, to repair, this system, and restore to my body, its rightful response. In truth, this took, many years, for the body, to shift, to ‘feeling’ alive and in control, when loved through, food, although that is simplistic terms for what I am trying to express. Please forgive me, if none of this, has relevance, for you. It is just that, you try so hard to overcome, this state of being, if any of my journey could help, I wanted to share.

Your journey is such a difficult condition to re-wire, and re-train. I hope you can take strength, from those here, that have connection to you and that are alongside you in spirit, and a new person that has something of an understanding, of the effects anyway, if not the very personal stages of experience, that we go through within this life.

I send genuine thoughts for you to stay strong, moonbeam beth.

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Keep strong Becca, It will all be ok, you are doing well to be consistent! you will recover, no giving up :) you know i'm always here for you

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Hi Becca...

I can kind of relate...

Apparently I am very underweight, but I do get my periods, and I do have normal viatals...

Although they were a bit wrong recently...

I think it is upa and down.. you may have lost your apetite now, but it may be better tomorrow...

It is about up and downs. Sometimes our bodies can bear way more than we think... but it is a matter of time.

Please dont wait till your body gives up. Please do wait and try to fight.

It is a lengthy journey. You may hate food now, you ay be afraid of being sick now, but it may be better soon...

I'm sorry it is so shrt. I am struggling myself now and not sure if I can do it....

Wishing you all best...

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Hi Becca,

I firstly want to say you are not alone :) I also want to pass on to you something my therapist has represtedly said to me in terms of recovering. I am recovering from BPD, amongst other things, and I consistently find myself going from feeling like I've made progress to reverting back to where I started. I feel really angry with myself for not being able to get better, the willpower is definately there yet somehow I keep falling flat on my face and then feeling frsutrated about it.

My therapist said this:

"Why are you being so hard on yourself? The recovery process isn't like walking in a straight line, it's more like re-learning how to do something." She then used the exmaple of saying: "It's like trying to leave your front garden path and you keep falling down the holes that are there, except you have to fall down them to know they're there, because then the next time you try, you see the hole and you walk around it, then you might fall in a different hole. Then the next time you leave the house you walk around the first hole and the second hole."

At first I listened to her like, that is totally ridiculous, but nearly a year on from her saying that I know she was right, you can't just recover in one go, or even recover gradually, there are often relapses back into a previous state but that doesn't mean you're back where you started.

I don't know if that helps or not, but I hope it does. :)

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Thank you everyone.

Moonbeam Beth, of course I don't mind you responding, I appreciate it a lot! I've found what you've said very interesting to read and I agree with everything you've said. Thank you! X

Ratherin, thank you so much for your support, you've helped me so much recently and I am truly thankful! X

Lilly, thank you so much for responding even when you're struggling yourself. I know what you're saying is true, it just puts you down when you've been trying to beat it for so long. Hope you're feeling better soon! Xx

Carthraziel, thanks for responding. Funnily enough, some of the things that are on my mind at the moment is possible BPD..

I feel how you do, being angry at myself for not getting anywhere and letting it rule my life again. Thank you, it has helped, need to stop over reacting, it's just another set back. Hopefully I don't have many more holes to fall down, I've had enough! Haha x

Thank you again everyone, your support means a lot! :)

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  • 3 months later...

Hey becca, sorry for raising up this post again, if this is triggering for you, not my intention...

you have been in my thoughts dear becca, and I really wanted you to know that, I have been thinking of you, hoping that you are well and coping.

Big virtual hug becca, well wishes for peace and light to reach you mbb xxx

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