AppleCrumble Posted March 28, 2014 Report Share Posted March 28, 2014 So I'm in the 2nd year of a PhD and I'm struggling. I'm doing very badly - I'm incompetent and useless. Results are inaccurate and not reproducible... if I'm not chucked off it then I'm going to fail it (or that's the way it feels, but it seems like it'll happen). Spoke to my supervisors and they reassured me that they can help me, but it makes me feel worse, as they mentioned checking my techniques were suitable etc, when really I must just be useless at it all if after years of doing the same thing, I'm still incompetent and more useless than people who have only been here a few weeks... I tend to be overly critical of others, and now I just feel as it's all coming back to me, with everyone being critical of me. I'm such a failure and I'm letting them down. My colleague (who came to my wedding and everything) seems to just hate me now, as I'm a useless failure. My parents would be ashamed if I quit. My supervisor probably hates me for being so useless. So basically - as a result of stress, feeling useless etc - I was battling really strong suicidal feelings on Monday. On Tuesday I didn't go into work as I couldn't deal with being at the place which was causing me the distress and had plans to end my life, but yes, of course I didn't go through with it. I was in bed, stuck in my racing bad thoughts, debating everything and just really paralyzed with all the thoughts and I forgot to drink anything, so got totally dehydrated to the point where I was feeling so nauseous and had to re-hydrate myself slowly so I don't sick it all up... and I really hate being sick... that kind of put me off overdosing, as I didn't want to take anything which I knew would make me be actually sick later on. Disappointed that I hadn't acted on my thoughts I booked a GP appointment and saw him Wed morning, I just cried and told him how bad I felt and how trapped I was and mentioned that I had lots of medication stocked up. Don't know why I was so open, but anyway... guess I know they don't really do much anyway, so didn't have to worry. He said he'd contact the CAT/crisis assessment team, and so I waited for ages, eventually they rang at 7pm and said they were trying to get hold of the psychiatrist from CMHT who assessed me initially. I'm under just my GP at present, and it probably makes things look a little funny as I have recently been discharged after 6 months of group 'therapy' which was useless, the psychotherapists were useless, from our local psychological services... and so I wrote an angry letter to them requesting my notes, and also to the psychiatrist at CMHT to tell him that the psychological services were useless and I knew that as nothing was addressed I'll end up where I was previously... he said when it happens to go to my GP to be re-referred... anyway... it seems a bit suspicious that it's so soon - I didn't expect to fall apart... Anyway, my GP signed me off until 14th April... but there's a few things with deadlines at work (PhD) which I still have to do... so I've been in contact with my supervisor which stresses me out. Being at home and not being at work is helping but it is just putting off the inevitable failure and embarrassment that I face... So it's not exactly a MH issue, but as a result my MH is saying I need to die to escape :/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Havehope Posted March 28, 2014 Report Share Posted March 28, 2014 to be doing a phd means you are a very bright person..i wish I had been clever enough just to do a degree...be proud of yourself in getting to the level you're at. you don't have to prove yourself to anyone...be gentle with yourself...take care.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buzzybee Posted March 28, 2014 Report Share Posted March 28, 2014 Hi Applecrumble, However awful things are for you at the moment, I'm glad that you have posted on here and had the courage to share your feelings with us. Having the courage and strength to do even that, at a time when you feel so raw, doesn't come from a person who is a failure, it comes from someone who is actually strong enough to be able to reach out when they feel at rock bottom. Sounds like you did the right thing by going to your Gp, at least they are now in the picture as to how you are currently feeling. Psychotherapy groups are not for everyone, they work for some, but not all and you may be one of those people who fits into this category (although i don't like to categorise anyone). Ive ever tried group support myself (facilitated one) but know myself enough to understand that being in a group wouldn't suit me. However, something that you stated did make me think, although you didn't enjoy your experience of group psychotherapy, you did say that it has just come to an end. Although you found it to be useless, it was still a regular form of support, which has ended, thus possibly leaving you feeling quite alone again…its just a thought, but even the most unwanted of support, can be experienced as a loss when its no longer there. Also 6 months of therapeutic support, isn't a long time…most therapy, for it to work effectively can and does take time. I was in one to one therapy for 4 years, once a week and it was only then that I felt that I had reached a stage in my life where I could go it alone, i still felt a sense of loss when it came to an end, even though it was my choice/ with the support of my therapist..but it was still loss all the same. Studying and reaching the end of any intensive study its particularly stressful and leaves us feeling very vulnerable. You are at, what sounds like nearing the end of your PHD Study and your facing possible deadlines and mental challenges….this in itself can knock us for six emotionally and leave us questioning ourselves and our abilities. I never got to the PHD stage, but after my fist agree, I did fall apart completely for a while. partly because it had come to an end, and i thought "what was all that about" and partly because i had worked so hard and was emotionally and physically drained, wasn't eating properly and hardly sleeping…my head was a mess. Someone who is doing a PHD is not a failure or rubbish at what they do, your just needing some support, that is ok, we all need support at certain stages, that doesn't constitute to you being a failure, it simply means that your human and need to swallow your pride and take the help that is offered. You haven't failed by doing this, your just a 'normal' human being who is burnt out, hit a block and in order to get through that block (so you can move forward) you need to accept the support. The suicidal ideation is a symptom of you feeling powerless, useless and no good. Yes, I've had those feeling and was at one point too proud and stubborn to accept that I needed help. Once i did accept the help, I was on the first footing to recovery. The crisis team need to support you, you GP needs to be constantly informed and hopefully in contact with you on a daily basis. if your not happy with this, then preset at A&E if things spiral and you don't hear from the crisis team. Speak to the Samaritans (most who answer the phone are good at what they do and can help), reach out to people on here. but make sure you eat properly (lack of good food and liquids spirals our mental health downwards), try and get some rest and sleep. speak to your GP about one to one therapy, or if you have the money, see a private therapist (I did this and I got one of the best). Stay away from caffeine, alcohol…drink herbal teas, camomile is a good one to help calm, use some lavender essential oil (about 5 drops on a tissue) and place it under your pillow at night, or just sniff it through the day (helps to calm and soothe). Eat oily fish, avocado, pine nuts, berry fruits, brazil nuts (all really good for depression). Take a B complex supplement, B6 and B12 are really good for brain function. Also Bach Flower remedies can be really helpful (I use them when I hit a block). purchase a relaxation CD or download one of the internet….you need to start getting pro active in healing, all of these things can help support you during this difficult time. My thoughts are with you x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eagleheart Posted March 28, 2014 Report Share Posted March 28, 2014 All i can say is you are amazingly strong,as far as i can see.To have such intense thoughts of sui & managing to resist,to my mind,shows what a strong,intelligent person you are.So well done. I wonder if any of your prophesies of being totally useless & a failure have come true before?I don't think you would have been accepted onto the phd if you were any of those things.You are the only person who thinks so badly about your abilities.I am sure that other people have let their own moodiness affect how they have treated you.That is in no way your fault. The things you say to yourself are lies.They are bullying you,but they are NOT speaking the truth. You've had some tough shit to cope with during your life & you are still here.A lot of people wouldn't have made it.A lot of people don't have the backbone to have carried the load you bear.So again,i say WELL DONE.You've done a great job. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angel tears Posted March 28, 2014 Report Share Posted March 28, 2014 You are an amazing person who is achieving amazing things!!!, you are managing really difficult feelings and I admire you for that. xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moonbeam beth Posted March 29, 2014 Report Share Posted March 29, 2014 Hello Apple Crumble, I am very sorry to know, that you are experiencing so much pressure at this time of your life... I just wanted you to know, that I heard you, and acknowledge you... I will come back when I am more able to respond in full, I really send thought for you,stay strong... Moonbeambethxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AppleCrumble Posted March 29, 2014 Author Report Share Posted March 29, 2014 I'm halfway through, so still the majority of the PhD to go. :-( Supervisor emailed me today asking me how I am. Guessing she doesn't actually want to know the truth, but can hardly just say 'I'm fine'... my data is useless, the most recent stuff - there is nothing salvageable. I'm so useless. Just shoot me now. :-( don't think people know what it's like having parents that live through you. I disappoint them if I quit or fail, it's like when I came out as being gay (or bi) my mum comfort ate for weeks, was crying and was so embarrassed by me. Quitting my PhD would probably be worse. I thibk she'd give herself a stroke, at least if I'm dwad they can say I died through some other means.. Holding it together on the outside but really not feeling any better on the inside... Finding I have few, if any, friends... and I'm starting to feel bad about everything - how I haven't had sex with my hubby in over 16 months, how I forget to kiss him goodbye or goodnight. He doesn't get any of the love he deserves. What a lonely, sad existence I have created for him... Feeling like I should mentally prepare myself for death as that's where I go wrong - when I panic about being sick etc... hm :-( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moonbeam beth Posted March 30, 2014 Report Share Posted March 30, 2014 I heard you... this is a very difficult life experience that you process, and because you have such a high IQ, it must get even more difficult... Please don't think yourself, into implosion or explosion... People like me, need people like you...To come through these very difficult life times... I will send thoughts, which do not help you...but it is all I have to give.. well wishes moonbeambethxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
basimelhabashy Posted May 20, 2014 Report Share Posted May 20, 2014 Mental Health Works is a nationally available program of the Canadian Mental Health Association (CMHA) that builds capacity within Canadian workplaces to effectively address the many issues related to mental health in the workplace. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted May 20, 2014 Report Share Posted May 20, 2014 thanks for coming on here and being brave enough to talk about how your feelings huge hugs crumbley xoxo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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