Attachment And Adjustment Disorders

[toaster]

Hi

has anyone been diagnosed with or think they have an attachment disorder?

All the literature I've read on this seems quite negative in the sense it speaks of manipulation, lack of affect and empathy. It does acknowledge the reasons behind such a disorder, which is some sort of validation.

If you do have the disorder, how do you manage it? Have you found anything that helps? I want to be pro-active in helping myself but I can't seem to find anything. My therapy recently ended so I'm left to my own devices. I have a psychiatrist and medication which helps with depression but not so much with the emotional stuff.

Has anyone been diagnosed with an adjustment disorder? I think this is a stupid diagnosis - who the fuck adjusts 'normally' to such an abnormal set of circumstances?! Yet still, there it is, in black and fucking white.

I have a nice long list of diagnoses - am sure this will really fucking help me in my future endeavors. This isn't validation, it's another kick saying 'you're not good enough, you fuck up'.

Hope everyone is ok.

Toast xxx

[pepsimeg]

Hi toaster

I have not been dx with this but what I went thru as a child etc im suprised as I also was in a kids home etc but anyway.

You are right as alot of the info on this seems quiet negative making out we have little regard for those we are supposed to be attached to. I do have attachment probs myself with the 'mother' type figures im ok with friends and yet struggle to show affection to parents or close family.

Tbh I wouldn't get too upset at yet another label.

I would stick two fingers up at them !!

Sorry prob not very helpful am I ?

Nice to see you around again

Emo xx

[mousie]

hi

i hope its ok to reply here to your post

as i understand it diagnoses are used to identify and access treatment

if its not used to identify treatment but is just a definition then i think that's not helpful or appropriate

just my opinion

same as if a doctor says you've got a splinter in your finger but then doesn't treat you

it doesn't make sense

if you have a trauma past

(which i know a lot of folks on the forum do

but that's just an assumption

and please forgive me if i have got that wrong)

then attachment issues comes with the territory

and anyone that specialises in trauma and attachment

will say 'well duh!!' to any psychiatrist that diagnoses

unless they're diagnosing for therapy/treatment to assist with said issues

then its to assist with the treatment pathway

and justifies acquiring appropriate funding for treatment/therapy

i hope this is useful

[angel tears]

Hi there I identify with the posts here too. I grew up in a very abusive unloving environment and I struggle to sometimes connect with people, make bonds etc. I have struggle with attachment to children and friends, I think also that if we grow up without loving, strong attachments then we are bound to be affected. It can also go down the family line I believe if not treated because it's the only way that we know how to relate. Xxx

[toaster]

Thanks for the replies

I guess the diagnoses bother me because I am afraid they will affect my future. I'm nearing the end of my second year of my degree and this summer I will be looking at what I want to do after I finish. I know I either want to do a masters or go straight on to the clinical psychology doctorate programme - however, I have BPD, 'other PDs', adjustment disorders and hallucinations to name BUT A FEW on my record (I seen this after a doctor gave me a letter to give to another doctor). Attachment disorder isn't on there (but neither is some other stuff, like jumping out of the window, drinking the poison I did, drug abuse etc so it may be there, I just haven't seen it?) but my therapist recently told me she believes that is what I have.

It's worrying and seems unfair that I may have to choose another path (second, third, fourth choice) because of a fucking label.

I guess I'm just sad as well. I think I'm going through some sort of grieving. All of this could have been avoided.

I get angry. OF COURSE I have things 'wrong' with me. Why stick a fucking label on it?! WHAT IS THE POINT? Symptoms are treated, not an entire diagnosis!

In all honesty, I do not believe I fit the criteria for BPD any more. I feel as though I have responded to therapy in a way that other people in the therapy group did not. Since leaving group, I have done college, am in uni, become a Samaritan, done childline, gotten engaged, stopped drugs, stopped drinking, stopped self-harming, maintained friendships, am able to see the 'grey' area, I handle situations a lot better. I'm not paranoid, I don't push people away, I accept responsibility for myself and my actions. I am quite depressed, but that's a separate issue (another diagnoses!) - I take my medication religiously for the depression.

It's ironic really. Years ago, I would have thrived off a list of diagnoses, I really would have. Now, it just fills me with hopelessness and despair. Some of these are from 2012 (BPD and other PDs). I wonder what the point in trying is if I'm going to be viewed the way I am. We all know the stigma attached to PDs. It's all very well saying that people should not judge etc but people do...and I think sometimes they are right to do so (I am referring to me there, no-one else).

I actually want to scream at my mother right now. This is all her fucking doing, yet MY responsibility, it's up to me to 'manage' it, to 'put up with it'. Mine and hers relationship isn't too bad (only been in touch 18 months after 27 years) but we will never have a mother-daughter relationship. She's too unstable for that. THIS IS HER FAULT.

I'm not on here much any more. Mainly because I'm so damn busy. But I love being busy, I love living my life without mental health ruling it. After all this time, making it so I don't want to be ruled by mental health, it's now ruling me.

It's funny, really. I took an ACCIDENTAL overdose (I have some pain in the nerves in my face, an infected jaw bone and the metal plate has moved) recently. I took way too many co-codamol. Anyway, I had to present at A and E just to get checked. When the doctor learnt how many pills I'd taken over the course of the week, he genuinely though I was trying to end my life! Do you know how many times I have tried to convince them I am suicidal, only for them to tell me to 'have a cup of tea'?! This guy didn't want me to go for a cigarette he was so convinced! I could have played along and had myself a spot in the psych ward - but I didn't, I was totally honest with the psych liaison and told them, I as fine. That's what they're not seeing - that change in me. I don't want to be crazy now...I guess I worked so hard at convincing them it's going to take just as much hard work convincing them the other way.

This is all totally disjointed and rambly. The system is sending me crazy!

Toast xxx

[jenny1471]

Hi Toaster

Well I'm going to apologise in advance that my reply is going to be about me! I guess because it's how I can relate to your thread..

.. I've never been diagnosed with attachment disorder but I'm 99.99% sure I have it. I seem to only be able to get 'attached' to 1 person at a time, and right now this is with my therapist. But to be honest (and I'm being very honest here so please don't judge me) I do fit the bill with the 'manipulative' etc words that you quoted in your original post. I would literally do anything to get her attention at times.. and by that I mean like, during the week when I feel like maybe she's forgotten me I might email her.. again and again and again. We talk about it regularly and I'm desperately trying to "get better" but it's so difficult.

But what I did want to say is that I believe diagnoses can change. I remember the CPN I saw said that I did fit some BPD criteria.. but then about 1 year later she said I no longer fit the criteria. So really, I do think it's possible to change and no longer fit criteria for things. So maybe your diagnoses need to be reviewed?

And yes I can totally and utterly relate to the wanting to scream at parents.. I HATE that both of my parents are "happy" and in relationships. Yet I'm single and unhappy still, trying to 'manage' my life and get better. I'm not saying that in a way of 'its their fault so I'm not doing anything'.. I am trying my best to get better.. to heal and move forwards.. but it does seem unfair at times!

Anyway, as I think others have said.. I actually think everyone in life has some sort of attachment issues. Nobody likes being rejected or abandoned etc. And everyone will have gone through stages in life, in childhood/babyhood that may have left them with some issues. It's just a case of how those issues play out, how severe they were, what stage of life etc etc. You know the theory I think but what I'm saying, or trying to say, is that some people never realise they have attachment issues at all. And while it's horrible to have a label, I guess the upside is that it can be worked on/through. I remember saying to someone one day "I have attachment issues" and she said "who doesn't?". I was like "wow!!!".. I truly thought I was telling someone something so big and awful about me and yet maybe this is common.. it's just not everyone else is aware, or maybe they name it something else.

I'm really waffling now. Can I ask why your therapy stopped and whether it helped at all? I am seeing my therapist twice a week and it's so so so so difficult. A large part of me wants to run away as the pain day in day out is unbearable.. but then, unfortunately, I'm attached to her and something keeps me going. She says I've improved a lot since I first started seeing her but to me I can't see much improvement. I still feel attached and literally feel like I'm dying if I don't hear from her! I know I sound dramatic but it feels truly awful.

Hope you take good care of yourself and be careful with your painkillers. I don't mean to sound patronising, but well done for telling the doctor honestly about what had happened.

xx

[toaster]

hey

thanks for the reply Jenny. I've said before, I believe you and I are a lot alike.

I'm definitely not judging you! I have utter respect for 'radical honesty' as I like to call it.

I have been manipulative in the past - I still have the tendencies but I ask myself 'why am I doing this/want to do this?' If I know I am bullshitting myself, I take a step back and then ask myself 'seriously?!'

With regards to everyone having attachment issues, I'm not so sure. I have a lot of *normal* friends who have great parents, great families etc. I think it becomes a disorder when it interferes with normal living, when it distresses us to a point we cannot function properly. People being afraid of people leaving isn't necessarily an issue, it's a normal fear. People being manipulative, hysterical, self-harming, becoming depressed because they cannot trust attachment would be the problem (IMO).

I do not make eye contact with people and apparently this is a symptom of the disorder. I've been trying to work on this for years. I do not connect with people on an emotional level. So for example, I can be talking about some really difficult stuff, or someone responding to me about difficult stuff, but I feel dead inside. When my therapist *made* me look at her, the pain I felt was incredible. I can't even look at my lecturers when I'm talking to them. I feel fear and shame. The floor, over the shoulder and the ceiling/sky are where I tend to look.

I have been with my therapist for 18 months. She is a university counsellor but she is a qualified psychotherapist. The ending was part of the therapy. I can't afford private and where I live there is ONE psychologist for the entire county and he is a DICK. He believes that if you cannot get 'better' in 10 sessions, then therapy is not for you...

The therapy did help. I could be totally honest with her - I told her about what I call my 'BPD' behaviours, how I seek attention etc. So from the off, we had an understanding that meant I didn't indulge in those behaviours because I knew she would be 'on to me' lol. I did email her a lot, but she told me, a few months in, that she would read my emails but not reply. That made me sulk BIG TIME but the boundary was set.

I know I did well telling the doctor (you don't sound patronising ) but I still wish I hadn't. i want codeine!

Hope you're ok. I have a lot more I want to say but I'll say it later xxx

[jenny1471]

Hi

Yes I think you're right re the attachment not always being an 'issue' for people. I think sometimes I like to think that everyone has issues to some extent.. maybe it's just to make myself feel better. But yes, not everyone has an issue/problem with things.. sometimes it's normal reactions..

I'm still in the process of sulking with my therapist. Right from the off I told her about my attachment issues and what I've done in the past. But she allowed emails and would respond to them. Now, 2 years down the line, she has suddenly said she won't reply any more. I completely understand logically, I really do. But of course on an emotional level I'm in so much pain. She has, to be fair, compromised and said she will no reply during office hours only.. but even that to me FEELS like an abandonment. Logically I know the reasons, and that it's healthier.. but boy it hurts.

xx

[toaster]

See, for me, I want validation and recognition for the things I went through so even though (HONESTLY) I do not want these issues, it still validates my childhood.

I can understand why your therapist has put these boundaries in place now, but (IMO) she should have done that from the off - it's harder for you now! But, there's nothing that can be done. And yes, I know that pain ((((jenny))))

I'm glad you talk as candidly as me some people think I'm mad (excuse the pun) for the way I speak. It's easier when you hear others. Actually, I learnt to talk the way I do in group therapy.

Am in uni right now, have an exam in an hour lol. Hope you're ok otherwise xxx

[maddy harper]

i don't have a dx of atatchment disorder but i think its part of my bpd

i get atatched to people really easy and then i wonder why i keep getting hurt...

[mousie]

hey folks

a few thoughts which i hope are useful

on being manipulative

all the therapists ive known that are worth bothering with

agree that attention seeking is itself an outdated manipulation of a client

and that it should be replaced with attachment seeking

because when you're looking for attention, comfort, to be seen, celebrated, admired etc

that's looking for connection, attachment

from you to someone as well as attachment to you from someone

and attachment's on a continuum with everyone

and in attachment theory, everyone fall's into and across the four types

(look up attachment styles if interested

cos this is one way of 'knowing thyself' and what makes one tick)

and on therapy and psychological terms there's no such thing as normal

only average... mean, median, mode etc

cos if you deconstruct 'normal' it is in itself an easily weaponised manipulation

to get someone to feel 'outside'

as House MD said about circle queens...

Dr. Cameron: Is it so wrong for them to want to have a normal child? It's normal to want to be normal.

Dr. House: Spoken like a true circle queen. See, skinny, socially-privileged white people get to draw this neat little circle. And everyone inside the circle is "normal". Anyone outside the circle needs to be beaten, broken and reset so that they can be brought into the circle. Failing that, they should be institutionalized. Or worse - Pitied.

Dr. Cameron: So it's wrong to feel sorry for this little boy?

Dr. House: Why would you feel sorry for someone that gets to opt out of the inane courteous formalities which are utterly meaningless, insincere and therefore degrading? This kid doesn't have to pretend to be interested in your back pain, your secretions or your grandma's itchy place. Imagine how liberating it would be to live a life free of all the mind-numbing social niceties. I don't pity this kid - I envy him.

as for abandonment

the difference between 'normal's is

you're more self aware, have more to struggle with

and have the courage to disclose your stuff

ok if your difficulties set you apart

so does your courage and compassion

demonstrates on these boards

[maddy harper]

braking atatchments once there formed can be really difficult

[ekim]

I have this. As far as actual feelings, nope, I see no cure. I remain detached.

For me it came down simply to a choice. No conscience, no feelings, I'll get no reward for it. But I decided to be good.

Sort of like a video game. I put the goal in front of me, now I'll just do it. No idea why, it's partly the challenge to do what others think can't be accomplished. (In this case, a good me)

So while on the inside, 99% of the people I've come across in life I'll be empty towards in feelings, I force myself to recognize when they are good people. And when they are good people, I help good people with their problems if I have the power to. Simply because it's right and in this game of life.

Got to win the game!

I've been told that's strange, but it works for me. And the results are me helping, as opposed to a serial killer. Because, honestly, my life could have gone either way and I'd have been equally at peace.

Now that I've gotten everyone shifting in their seat a few inches in the opposite direction of me, I'll leave.

But the point is, my method made someone with no connection doing good for the world when possible. So I'm either a genius or simply that far a level of insane.

Personally, I feel I'm both.

[maddy harper]

ii like to try help people where i can

if its possible for me to i will